Just wondering.........

[thesteelfairy2]

what your responses might be to a not so dh who has just walked in from a 3 day trip to Amsterdam for a stag do during which time you were completely alone with 2 small dc (no family or friends nearby) who says "God look what happens when I go away for a long weekend, this place is a complete shit tip, no way I can relax in this!"

Bearing in mind that this is the hell hour of finishing school, cooking dinner, baths etc and the place is pretty much immaculate and well ordered the rest of the time.

So just wondering really........

I honestly don't know. Only you know that...

I can see your reasons for staying put...why should you move to get away from his malignant presence ?

Do you really think he will lose interest after a while? Does he need a new girlfriend victim?

I am not sure if he will lose interest in the near future, tbh...because he is still having a measure of success by the very fact he can needle you (am sure he would not admit to something so underhand and frankly, fucking horrible, though...)

can you go out when he visits ds ? With spring just around the corner...insist he takes DS out of the house ?

You have to cut the psychological puppet strings he is playing with, somehow...you don't need this stress

Don't feel forced into giving up your home, get in touch with the HA, explain the situation, they will help you - you live there, the ex doesn't - don't take my word for it, go to CAB and get proper advice - or I am sure someone on mn will have experience of this.

If your ds has hfa then I am sure he would be much happier to stay in the family home, only move if it is what you want, but find out about making the flat yours, get the tenancy agreement changed asap, the more you take charge the better you will feel when dealing with the idiot and his intimidation.

If you moved out, would he be able to move back in if his name is on the tenancy agreement? I would think that as he has already moved out you would be able to get his name removed from agreement without his consent. I would phone solicitor and HA first thing tomorrow.

He can't just drop in whenever, bring his laundry, comment on the state of the house and whatnot. You talk as if you're still together ("he does no housework" - well he wouldn't, would he, he doesn't live there. He talks about "relaxing" at yours, what the hell?) and the dropping in without notice is totally, totally out of line. And controlling. He won't lose interest when he can come and check up on you constantly.

You need to set up an access arrangement. Contact centre, etc. And I'd consider moving, actually, unfair as that is.

Is he still paying towards the rent ?

If not...get his name of the tenancy agreement

If yes...speak to the landlord and see what you need to do to make tht happen...would it have to wait for the divorce to go through> I am not sure how it all works

tsf, I don't want to pick up on your phraseology too much...but you are very contradictory, like you haven't even moved on out of this relationship yourself

you talk about him "going away for the weekend"...going away from where? who? you aren't together...

"relaxing" in your house...eh ?

"does no housework" "does the odd bit of child care"

so many mixed messages here, tsf...I really don't know where your head is at

and if I can sense that from a few posts on the internet...it will be completely obvious to an emotional vampire such as him....oh goody, he thinks...I have free rein to fuck with her head

do you still sleep together ?

No he doesn't pay rent but does pay child support.

I suppose the phraseology comes from this insistance that no matter what "we will parent together so anything to do with the dc is discussed no matter how small. The boundarys seem to get blurred. When I say childcare I mean that he will come and look after dc when I go out. He is the one that used the words going away for the weekend, that is how he referred to it "I go away for the weekend and look what happens". I suppose I am picking up on his way of referring to it. For me the relationship is totally over. I think he uses language like that to keep himself entrenched within the family and with me. It is very hard to keep on fighting it and sometimes I do let things go just for a quiet life. He still acts as though this is a temporary thing and one day I will come to my senses. This is why I am now pushing the divorce through because that cannot be argued with or misunderstood.

No we don't still sleep together. In a million years I would never sleep with him again after the way he has behaved towards me. He blames our break up on this as well despite the fact that he was unfaithful so many times leading to me not wanting to sleep with him any more.

I have already tried to get his name taken off the tenancy, I can't as he left me with arrears on the account and no changes can be made to it until these are paid off.

This is why I think that moving on is the only solution and the only way to establish firm boundaries that he cannot cross but I risk losing mine and dc's security to do that. It really is a shit situation.

Could you make some obvious changes around the house? Repaint the front door, perhaps, or change the locks, or rearrange the lounge furniture and get rid of some of the things he liked - to make your mark on the house so you feel that it's yours, even though his name is still on the tenancy agreement? If you felt that the place was now your home and not yours and his, that might help you face up to him.

And even if you don't say things to his face, if that 'Fuck off and when you get there, fuck off again' attitude is in your head, that might help too. When he says unacceptable things, look him in the eye with a mental shrug and don't respond - you don't need to justify yourself to him, so don't react - at least not until he has gone, and then go and beat seven bells out of a pillow, or come and vent here!

{{hugs}}

Difficult bloody situation you're in!

He sounds like a complete twat who is lucky to still be breathing.

DS has HFA, this does make it a lot more difficult. None the less, things need to change. Shifts or no shifts you need to work out some sort of roster/timetable - for your EX to visit - you can no longer allow him to drop in when he feels like it. This is not his home and he should not be treating it as such.

Isn't there anywhere he could take your DC's? A friend of mine has his DS with LFA as much as he can, around his shifts, to help out his ex & their other children (he is hard work for them) and at first it was more difficult, but now he (the son) accepts this as part of his routine/life (even though it's irregular days/duration). His place can be be described at shoebox sized, shit-tip - but their son (now a teenager) loves being there.

Is there anyone who could lend you the money to pay off the bill so that you could get his name off of the tennancy??

Don't even get me started on bringing his washing...........

Oh & lastly, I would have NO hesitation in getting one/a few of my beefy friends around to have a chat with him - put him in his place regarding how he speaks to you, what his 'rights' are (very fucking few) and how things will be in the future. I would tell them they are not allowed to touch a hair on his head - this time - but to leave him under no illusion that they would be more than happy to step in if he doesn't start treating you properly. He thinks intimidation you is OK, just give him a taste of his own medicine!!

Thanks for hugs, I really do need them.

However feeling slightly more positive. Spoke to solictor this morning and she was very no-nonsense and positive. Basically said after I told her a bit about it "Ok, well do you have your marriage certificate? Yes? bring it on Friday and we will get your divorce started". Just what I needed to hear.

I get the same advice here on MN time after time, ie do not engage with him, now I just need to start following it! He is just so farkin unreasonable and sure of himself though I find it so, so hard not to get pulled in.

Its a good idea to make some changes round here actually. I feel quite paralysed at the moment scared of what he would say if I did that but what actually could he do? Have a big old moan because I painted my bedroom pink? Big deal not like I haven't been listening to all that for years already.

YOUR dh? you sure it wasn't mine that walked in?? sounds so much like him!!

((dreams of being single again))

Also spoke to HA who said that if I consulted a solicitor who specialises in housing law and got some advice there maybe a chance that the debt could be reduced or even put aside as there are complications attached to how it came to be in the first place. She said "It wouldn't be the first time we have put aside a debt but don't tell anyone I said that though". So will speak to solicitor on Friday.

just because he pays child support, does not give him the right to dictate how you live your life

hope you werne't offended by me pushing you on your phraseology...I was trying to get you to examine your own thought processes, and stop second-guessing his...you are right about the boundary-blurring

it suits him to blur your boundaries...he still gets to control what goes on in your head

his thought processes are irrelevant to you..your own, however are for you to manage, not this fucker

Not not at all offended. Was useful actually. Made me examine how much he still is managing to manipulate me even without me realising it.

I always used to think that he is like this without realising because of how his dad was etc and this is why I have made so many excuses for him over the years, he couldn't help it etc but I beginning to think that sometimes he knows EXACTLY what he is doing some of it is actually done in quite a clincial, thought out way to get what he wants.

Cried after I spoke to solicitor. Feels like such a massive step. What else can I do though? It can't go on as it is. I had a nervous breakdown last year over his behaviour. Always so confusing, always constantly promising to change and implying that if I wasn't so difficult and would just forget the past we could be a happy family. Makes me feel that it is all my fault. However the good thing is that I do realise that even if it IS all MY fault for holding onto the past I still have to end the situation because it so bad for everyone concerned mostly dc.

aww, have another hug

you sound messed-up by him massively

do you have anyone in RL to talk about things, someone who understands I mean

and isn't hoodwinked by (I am sure) by his Mr Nice-Guy persona that he turns on for everyone else but you ?

he thinks he ought to be able to relax in your home!? what's he even doing there!

ps my x is on the spectrum (although he would never admit that). He is HF as well, good job, very clever.. he treated me like an incompetent employee. The only way I can deal with it is to not deal with it at all. I avoid him completely. He would never, ever, ever be able to see anything from my pov. And in fact, the only thing I have ever done to penetrate his forcefield of arrogance, inflated sense of entitlement, delusions of grandeur and total lack of empathy was to be the one who made the decision to cut him off. That bothers him and puzzles him, that I (the lowly incompetent loser that I am had the cheek to cut him off).

I talk to my Mum but she hates his guts understandably and it is sometimes difficult to get any sense out of her.

Yes he was always big on "showing decorum", "not airing our dirty laundry" etc ie not telling anyone about his drinking, being unfaithful and verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse. After a few months of it though I always made sure everyone knew though so I don't think people who know us both were taken in by him. His own sisters used to tell him off for the way he behaved. They have been really supportive but family is family isn't it? and I don't want to count on them too much, he is their brother after all.

Sometimes I AM scared it is all in my head and he really is just the well meaning, fun loving good father he makes himself out to be and I am just the nagging old witch that drove him to behave towards me the way he does. Reading a good book at the moment called Men who hate women and the women who love them. Its completely brilliant, right up their with Lundy Bancroft. That helps.

it sounds like you are making some good decisions in spite of his manipulative ways! Well done for getting in touch with the HA and solicitor, it might not be easy but it is not impossible for you to make your home your own, hopefully it will work out with negotiation.

Could you consider having a friend round for moral support sometimes when your ex is coming over? I know it can't always be helped, re the shift work, but his bullying behaviour might be nipped in the bud, a little, if their are supportive observers around.

ps2, sorry, I just also have to say this... the first year after I left I was only physically free. Mentally I was still tormented by his low opinion of me, lack of respect for me, his game-playing mind fucking insults. It takes a while to detach from it. Stand your ground though and mark your boundaries. It isn't necessary to run every sandwich filling or trip to the dentist past him. Tell him if there's a problematic issue you will consult him. He will be outraged initially but don't give in and don't defend yourself or reason with him. Just "this is my home and I'm not inviting you in' shut door. Don't budge and INCH on that. Eventually after perceiving himself to be the injured party and feeling oh so wounded, choking on selfrighteous indignation he will get the message that he can't steam roller over you any more.

DulcieVox that sounds exactly like my ex. He truly believes that he should be able to behave exactly how he wants because after all he doesn't really mean it eg "Yes I know I have been unfaithful numerous times to you but I would never have left my your and the kids for someone else! It was just sex".

He genuinely seems confused by my inability to accept his behaviour although I always put it down to his parents treating each other like crap and still staying together so that was the example he saw growing up. Not the example I want to show my dc thats for sure.

Funnily enough he doesn't match all the criteria of an abusive man, I mean he really adores his kids, has lots of mates and gets on well with his family and I know a lot of men who are abusive are like that to everyone, it is only me that he seems to have issues with which makes everything even more confusing.

TheSteelFairy, have you had a look at the NPD threads. I'm there on another name and it has been a life-saver to me, helping me get over the dysfunctional connection that I used to feel between my x and me.

TSF2 - by god he has done a number on you!

It is not in your head.
He is not a well meaning, fun loving, good father.
You are not the nagging old witch.

You are worth so much more than this wanker idiot. Do NOT allow him to fuck with your mind any more!!

I am so glad you are going to the solicitor. I hope you get the housing thing sorted out too.

Get that roster sorted out and stop him just dropping in when he feels like it. He is not your partner, it is not his home, you are not his parter/wife/doormat - do all you can to get this notion right out of his head!!

HUGS there are plenty here for you!! Along with my steel capped boots!!

Let his mates spend time with him then?! who cares if their judgment is so poor they think he's a nice guy!

You're on the right track reading LB. You say you sometimes doubt yourself. Well, just supposing he's not as bad as the evidence seems to suggest, does that make you a bad person?! You are doing his laundry! Even if he were a cross between the Son of God and Prince William you'd be entitled to end a relationship you no longer wanted to be in.

Your life isn't a sacrifice to somebody else's convenience.

Come over to the NPD thread. Those girls are great, and they will give you practical tips on how to be able to shut the front door of your own home.

Have been looking at those threads actually and there are A LOT of similarities. My sil told me that she thought he was NPD. I know what you mean about not being mentally free. I question everything about myself now. Sometimes I am scared I never will be as long as the dc are so young. Can't see myself ever being able to trust a man again. I saw someone for a couple of months at the end of last year and earlier this year and he was beginning to be a prize twat as well, posted about him on here under another name and got a shed load of shocked responses. What scared me was I in spite of all my experiences with exh I still wasn't sure whether this new one was a wrong un too. I think I need to avoid men for a very long time until I can be sure of what to look for.

Thanks ChippingIn. Glad I posted this thread. Feeling quite a bit more positive hence my charging onto the phone and making those difficult calls first thing this morning.

Ps, and just because there is a more abusive person out there somewhere who ticks all the boxes! does not mean that you should be sympathetic to him. Because "he could be a worse human being than he actually is".

And if for a few weeks he behaves well, then you probably feel like you have no right to continue to disconnect from him. After a few episodes of 'good behaviour' you think you 'owe' him. I know how hard it is to believe that you have the right to say 'fuck off and when you get there, fuck off again'. (I love that!!) well done to the poster who came out with that gem!