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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to take bf for abortion

73 replies

imahorriblefriend · 08/03/2010 09:52

dont want to give too much detail as she might be reading this.

hence namechange.

friend for over a decade.

originally i agreed as i didn't think she was going to go through with it as seemed very keen to continue with the pg for a while

she's just hit her 30's.

had abortions and miscarriages in past. quite a few.

pretty sure. but not 100%.. but some of those she says were miscarriages were actually abortions she kept on the quiet. ... she confessed as much on a drunken night out.

however, not something i want to rake up for her when sober or even now a few years in future from when she told me.

all pg were caused while using some sort of protection she claims. pill/coil/condoms are all some of reasons.

i have no issue with anyone making the choice of abortion.. however... for me.. i find how late she has put it off as past a date i ethnically agree with.

she's not exactly sure of date. but she'll be about 12-14 weeks gone when the procedure is booked in for.

i originally agreed when she was in a bit of a state.

she still has just over 2 week to arrange a lift (she doesn't want anyone to go in with her) if i cancel and give childcare as my excuse

also.... if i pull out, she will have to confess to a member of her family to get them to give her transport. one of her main reasons she doesn't want to keep the baby is her family reaction. i am 99.9% positive they would actually be very supportive (she thinks they will all be disappointed)... and if she was forced to tell them.. she would change her decision.

she has confessed she will need major counselling as previous abortion have left her badly affected and worried this one could be a step too far.

so... please dont flame me for being judgey.

i dont judge her choice.

i'm just very uncomfortable being part to this. which i dont want to tell her as i dont want to influence this decision of hers. it's her life. her choice.

as far as she's aware i am simply on neutral ground.

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 08/03/2010 09:55

yabu - your friend has asked for your support and I think as a friend you should give it.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2010 09:55

don't go then.

YANBU.

i couldn't go with someone, tbh.

i agree it should be a choice, but i couldn't go along to an appointment for it with anyone.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/03/2010 09:56

If you're not being judgey then why aren't you going to give her the help/support she has asked for?

Headbanger · 08/03/2010 09:57

Hm - it sounds rather as if she has yet to learn to take responsibility for her own body. By not going (or even having a word with her) you might encourage her to be a bit more responsible.

It's not being judgey to have an opinion on the subject...

izzybiz · 08/03/2010 09:58

YANBU

Its her choice to do this.

Its your choice not to go along.

abride · 08/03/2010 09:58

I think it's about time she confronted her chaotic approach to relationships and unsafe sex (which must be happening quite a bit if she's been through the abortion process several times.

Let her face up to it. You don't have to take her.

yojojo · 08/03/2010 09:58

can't she get a taxi?

maryz · 08/03/2010 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2010 09:59

If it's going to distress you then give her as much warning as possible that you can't go with her. However, be prepared for this friendship to fizzle and die, because you are judging her, you have judged her, you think she's an irresponsible slut. And while some people can carry on in friendships where one person thinks s/he is much better than the other, sooner or later these friendships implode.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 08/03/2010 09:59

YANBU. If you can't support her in this, you shouldn't go. Very difficult situation for you, though.

yojojo · 08/03/2010 10:00

but YANBU, it would worry me if a friend was behaving like this,I hooe she goes through with the councelling

gingernutlover · 08/03/2010 10:01

YANBU to not want to go

but if she has made her decision then you refusing to take her probably wont change it will it? It depends what is most important for you tbh

it does sound like she needs to sort out her self respect though

DillyDora · 08/03/2010 10:03

So difficult, this one and there are lots of ways of looking at it. Listen, there is the idea that even if you say you're not feeling judgemental and you say all the right words to her, she could still 'feel' what you really mean (that you think she's in the wrong) so you may as well not go. Do you see what I mean? You can't really fake it, she'll know on some level you don't really support her which may hurt both of you more in the long run.

Be honest with yourself, if you don't feel ok with her behaviour then just be in that place. It sounds like you really do 'judge' her - but all that means is that you're human, not wrong!

Hope you can make a decision you can live with and that she finds the help she needs. Good luck
x

gorionine · 08/03/2010 10:07

Unless you are able to support her through it there is no much point in going IMHO. If she need support you are not the right person for the job (I do not think I would be either, unless circumstances were very different to what you discribe).

YANBU

BecauseImWorthIt, I do not think it is being judgey, OP does not want to go with her friend she did not say to her friend that she should not have an abortion.

Abortion is a very sensitive subject one usually feels very strongly pro or against, not something you can just go well I do not agree with it but will help you. It could results in feelings of guilt hard to get over if you do not 100% agree with it.

ManyTimesAnHour · 08/03/2010 10:08

SGB- it is possible to have strong opinions/morals on a subject without being judgey. Th OP is not judging her friend, she is just saying that she cannot support this decision. I don't think unquestioning support sounds like the right course of action here anyway, TBH. IMO that would further validate the friend's decision.
I don't know what the right answer to this dilemma is, but I do know that I would feel similar to the OP and could not in conscience help a friend to abort a baby. I would remain friends with her but I would not do anything to enable that abortion to happen, including dropping her off at the clinic.

EightiesChick · 08/03/2010 10:08

As has been said, there are these things called taxis. Also agree with izzybiz - her choice to do it, your choice to not give lift.

Coldhands · 08/03/2010 10:08

YANBU, obviously it is up to her what she does but I'm not sure I would be able to go with someone either tbh (never been asked so not sure what I would do etc).

Also, if it was a one off occurence, it may not be so bad, but as it has happened on a few occasions, this would cloud my judgement of the situation tbh.

If you feel that you cannot support her, you should tell her now so she can make alternative arrangements.

ManyTimesAnHour · 08/03/2010 10:09

And SGB- where has the OP said that her friend is an 'irresponsible slut'?

Original poster
imahorriblefriend · 08/03/2010 10:11

i'm not forcing her to have the baby. not my business if she keeps it or not.

i'm not sure if she will go through with the counselling.

she has agreed to it in past then not went to the sessions.

there are other people who can take her. she has told all her friends. just not her family.another reason why i thought she would never go through with it.

also...i feel if i take her.. it will all be swept under the carpet like previous ones.

if she goes ahead with it with her families support they will make sure she gets counselling and emotional support she will need for the few days following as she lives with them.

... but i suppose if you say i'm BU some of you then i must be there and be supportive.

which i can be ... if i made this commitment to her it's not something i can let her down with is it?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/03/2010 10:13

tell her now, today, that you are not available. she's got a fortnight to sort it out.

yojojo · 08/03/2010 10:15

i assume its morethan a lift then, she wants you there with her for support beofre and after.Who went with her for previous abortions?
Maybe go but only if she goes for counselling afterwards. Surely she can't keep on getting pregnant and having abortions?

ShadeofViolet · 08/03/2010 10:16

YABU - regardless of your feelings she has asked you for support and if she is your BF then you should give it.

sausagepastie · 08/03/2010 10:16

yanbu, you feel you would be enabling her in some way and I agree.

I think however you need to be honest, say that you regret agreeing as you feel v uncomfortable about it and you will help her with lifts etc if she gets some counselling aboutit.

You have to be clear in yourself initially whether you wish to keep the friendship and on what grounds you won't.

If you explain it right she will probably be ok about it - theres a chance she won't though. It isn't your problem, basically. You will help her with her problem but won't make it yours.

itsmeitsmeolord · 08/03/2010 10:17

YANBU to not take her if it is not something you can support effectively.
By that I mean your friend will need emotional support from someone who is truly neutral on the subject.
You cannot provide that support, you said yourself that there are others who could take her.

I wouldn't be able to do this either. I don't think this is about being judgey, it is about being able to give the right level of support taking into account your personal views.

EightiesChick · 08/03/2010 10:18

agree with expat - tell her today you can't do it. There are other options. Also, it's not like the lift is the only thing you could do to be supportive, is it?

I would leave any conditions about counselling out of it. Just state what you are prepared to do or not do, regardless of her choices.