not to take bf for abortion

[imahorriblefriend]

dont want to give too much detail as she might be reading this.

hence namechange.

friend for over a decade.

originally i agreed as i didn't think she was going to go through with it as seemed very keen to continue with the pg for a while

she's just hit her 30's.

had abortions and miscarriages in past. quite a few.

pretty sure. but not 100%.. but some of those she says were miscarriages were actually abortions she kept on the quiet. ... she confessed as much on a drunken night out.

however, not something i want to rake up for her when sober or even now a few years in future from when she told me.

all pg were caused while using some sort of protection she claims. pill/coil/condoms are all some of reasons.

i have no issue with anyone making the choice of abortion.. however... for me.. i find how late she has put it off as past a date i ethnically agree with.

she's not exactly sure of date. but she'll be about 12-14 weeks gone when the procedure is booked in for.

i originally agreed when she was in a bit of a state.

she still has just over 2 week to arrange a lift (she doesn't want anyone to go in with her) if i cancel and give childcare as my excuse

also.... if i pull out, she will have to confess to a member of her family to get them to give her transport. one of her main reasons she doesn't want to keep the baby is her family reaction. i am 99.9% positive they would actually be very supportive (she thinks they will all be disappointed)... and if she was forced to tell them.. she would change her decision.

she has confessed she will need major counselling as previous abortion have left her badly affected and worried this one could be a step too far.

so... please dont flame me for being judgey.

i dont judge her choice.

i'm just very uncomfortable being part to this. which i dont want to tell her as i dont want to influence this decision of hers. it's her life. her choice.

as far as she's aware i am simply on neutral ground.

i can be supportive. i understand and agree with her reasons behind her choice.. this will enable me to be supportive if i do go with her.

sgb - the friendhsip has been through worse, and come out stronger.

and i never said she was an "irresponsible slut".. nor do i think that... i dont appreciate that comment at all.

friends situations were never from casual sex or one-night stands... and even if they were i would never consider my friend a "slut"

I didn't mean take her to the appt on condition of counselling, I meant lifts to counselling.

Your friend needs serious help if she's using abortion as a form of contraception. She needs full on counselling - there must be something going on that needs sorting out. Don't go to the clinic if you don't want to - and tell her why. That's real support. Otherwise it will just continue and I feel very sorry for a woman who puts her body and mind through such hell.

Your friend sounds like she needs a good kick up the backside! She can't keep going through life getting pregnant and having abortions. If she has done it so many times before then she obviously doesn't need your help again, she managed before. Maybe she is crying out for you to tell her not to do it!

YANBU - but you need to be more of a friend and tell her exactly how you feel. Your honesty with her is very important.

If you are not happy don't do it.

There's a right to choose, and that is yours as much as your friend's. I wouldn't do it, I agree that there is a right for women to have this choice but it is not a choice I would make and therefore feel I couldn't practically support anyone in making it (though I have provided a sounding board for 2 friends who needed to talk it through afterwards).

Tell her now, though, so she can make other arrangements.

"regardless of your feelings she has asked you for support and if she is your BF then you should give it." I disagree. Abortion is a very emotive subject. Not everyone feels they can support a woman through it. ang given it appears this woman is using abortion as contraception I don't think it's unreasonable that op might not feel comfortable with that.

Being someone's best friend doesn't mean you accept everything they do and support them through it, sometimes actually being someone's best friend means you are the one person that can be straight with them.

Personally I wouldn't go, it does seem it's time for her to start taking responsibility for herself.

YANBU. I disagree with people who way that if you are her best friend, you will support her in anything she ever decides to do. If she is your best friend, she will understand why you cannot go with her.

You are a friend, but also a person with your own beliefs and views. Friendship is not about going against your own moral code, it is about supporting in a way that you feel comfortable with. If you have been friends for this long, you know this and will get through it.

irons - she has asked me if i think she should/shouldn't do it.

i have refused to give an opinion and told her it is becuase i dont want to influence her decision.

previously she went with boyf's. her current boyf wants no part of it. hence he wont go with her.

You have as much right to use your personal judgment as she does. That's not the same thing as being personally judgmental towards your friend.

I refused to give a friend a lift to the hospital for an abortion.. I've seen the effect of post traumatic stress disorder on my little sister, who was suicidal a few years after having an abortion (when she had a child, and reality hit home). She said she was greatfeul for my honesty, and went for some sounseling first.

It is matter of conscience, which is why so many medical staff refuse to take aprt in terminations.

Too many typos, sorry, bf while I type.

Could you ask to move this from AIBU into relationships?

OK so this woman has 'just hit her 30s' and had more than one abortion. This could be over a course of 12-14 years, couldn't it. You say she 'claims' to have been using contraception, which suggests that you don't believe her.
No contraception is 100% effective and some women are much more fertile than others (but you don't know how fertile you are until you either get PG unexpectedly or are TTC and it not working).
If you don't feel able to take her to her appointment, the more notice you give her, the better. You are entitled to your opinion but that doesn't necessarily make you right about your friend (that she needs counselling, that she is ;using abortion ad a contraception' etc).

Last year I had an miscarriage and I had to have the termination pill procedure to complete it. It was physicaly awful, emotionally awful, and heartbreaking. The week after, my best friend came round to look after me while my DH was away with work. She revealed that she was pregnant - exactly the number of weeks pregnant I would have been by then. She and her DH had decided on abortion. She wanted me to talk her through the process. She wanted me to be there in the waiting room when she had the abortion.

I went without a second thought. She's my best friend.

I had an abortion. My best friend went with me, but she had issues about it, it later transpired (because of her own experiences). She tried to be there for me, but actually her issues got the way, and she found herself unable to talk it through with me properly. I was in a terrible state and I really needed to talk it over, and her lack of emotion availability for me in this situation has created a deep rift in our relationship. I felt badly let down and very alone at the time. I wish she'd just said "I have problems with this" and then I could have had someone else there who could was there in mind as well as body and able to give me the support I needed. I regret not being able to process my feelings properly at the time.

What I'm trying to say, is whether you go with her or not, this is likely to have an affect on your relationship (could be good or bad in the long run) but actually I think keeping schtum isn't necessarily the best thing to do. I think being there for someone going through a termination isn't just about physically being there, it's a commitment to be that person's confidante, to help them emotionally at a very difficult time. And being a good friend does mean being honest - albeit very sensitively in this case!

Also if you genuinely think she might be making a mistake, then I think you should talk it through with her.

FWIW a friend of mine was considering an abortion for - what I thought to be a ridiculous reason - she definitely wanted to have a baby with her DP (perhaps in as little as 6 months later) but just didn't feel ready. I thought keeping schtum would be wrong in this situation, I was clear about my feelings, and explained to her the guilt that goes with a termination, and - I don't know if what I said had anything to do with it - but she is now a great mum to a lovely little boy.

A termination may well be the right thing for your friend to do, but I don't think you serve her well by ignoring your concerns. And if you can't be there for her emotionally, give her the chance to have someone else there who might be.

if its too upsetting dont go.but realistically you are judging her choice.hence your emotional turmoil and reluctance

give plenty notice so she can make alternative arrangements

sgb - "You are entitled to your opinion but that doesn't necessarily make you right about your friend (that she needs counselling, that she is ;using abortion ad a contraception' etc). "

friend herself said she needs counselling

and i never said she "uses abortion as a contraception"

neither of these are my opinion.

Your friend sounds really messed up and I would try very hard to get her some professional help. In the end it is up to her whether she takes this help, all you can do is advise. She is entitled to honesty from you, but she is not entitled to expect you to do something you are not comfortable with. I think you need to have this conversation with her. Be prepared for her to not take it well - people rarely do when given home truths, but as you are her true friend then you have to do it or else you are compromising your own beliefs.
I feel really sorry for you cos you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

'Last year I had an miscarriage and I had to have the termination pill procedure to complete it. It was physicaly awful, emotionally awful, and heartbreaking. The week after, my best friend came round to look after me while my DH was away with work. She revealed that she was pregnant - exactly the number of weeks pregnant I would have been by then. She and her DH had decided on abortion. She wanted me to talk her through the process. She wanted me to be there in the waiting room when she had the abortion.'

Are you serious?!

She knew you'd just had a horrible miscarriage and she had the nerve to ask you to detail it just a few weeks later in order to support her and go with her?

She may be your best friend, but from that alone she sounds like a selfish, egocentric, insensitive, horrible cow.

I can't imagine having a so-called 'friend' like this, much less going along with her to her appointment.

She sounds sick!

vivia - wow... you friend i cant believe she asked you to do that. sorry.. but i think that was an awfully insensitive thing for her to ask you to do.

lowrib - i dont want to give her my opinion and influence her decision. i want it to be her choice.

i will decide today and let her know. i'm thinking i will go halfway.

she has a counselling session before her the procedure.

i will take her to that. as tell her i have childcare issues and cannot come back to collect her after the procedure. she will need to get taxi/arrange a lift from someone else.

If I were her friend i would have to tell her my opinion. You don't have to use persuasive language but you can tell her how you feel.

As someone who recently needed a friend very much, due to an unwanted pregnancy/abortion...

If you cannot support her, it would be kinder for her if you didn't go. She will need unfailing support, before, during & after (and I find after was my biggest need, to discuss etc) and you don't seem like you can offer her this. So best not to start with false hope.

I don't judge you and understand why you feel you cannot go.

imahorriblefriend ( and by the way you are NOT a horrible friend!) I really think you should back out of this now. You are not in the best place to support your friend because, by the sounds of it, you will have difficulty overcoming your own feelings on the situation and althought I don't doubt you would try very hard, I really can't see that you would be up to the job of supporting her. You would probably be trying to say all the right things but unable to say them sincerely, and that will show through. Poor girl, she sounds really messed up!

Vivia, while you sound like a lovely friend, your friend sounds totally self-centred and insensitive! What a terrible thing to ask you to do, assuming she knew about your MC? Friendship is a 2 way thing and your friend should realise that.

YA Def NBU - I could try to support a friend through something like this but would find it extremely difficult. I could not take her either.

OP, I think there's judging and then there's judgment, IFYSWIM. Judging someone when we don't really know about a person or their situation isn't on. But in this case, it's your BF who one imagines you know very well. So, I don't think you are being judgmental. You obviously have an informed opinion about this, and it's making you uncomfortable. YANBU, and I agree wholeheartedly with previous posters who say that sometimes being a really good friend is about being honest about your feelings, as long as they are delivered kindly and with her best interests at heart. It really depends. I have a lovely friend who chose to terminate and it was really tough for her. It was a one-off and it was no problem to be there for her because I knew she was torn and it wasn't a form of contraception for her. On the other hand,I have friends who have had multiple terminations, and I am afraid I struggle a bit with being overly sympathetic. Call me Mrs Judgy if you will.

Blimey Vivia. You sound like an exceptional friend. My heart goes out to you for the MC as someone who has been in the same place. Personally, I think you are a real trooper. I remember telling a friend after one of mine and she then proceeded to sympathise and say it was just like that after her termination. It bloody well isn't the same, sorry to be firm, but it's really insensitive and you sound like an incredibly tolerant person. I wanted to slap my friend after her comment!!