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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to take bf for abortion

73 replies

imahorriblefriend · 08/03/2010 09:52

dont want to give too much detail as she might be reading this.

hence namechange.

friend for over a decade.

originally i agreed as i didn't think she was going to go through with it as seemed very keen to continue with the pg for a while

she's just hit her 30's.

had abortions and miscarriages in past. quite a few.

pretty sure. but not 100%.. but some of those she says were miscarriages were actually abortions she kept on the quiet. ... she confessed as much on a drunken night out.

however, not something i want to rake up for her when sober or even now a few years in future from when she told me.

all pg were caused while using some sort of protection she claims. pill/coil/condoms are all some of reasons.

i have no issue with anyone making the choice of abortion.. however... for me.. i find how late she has put it off as past a date i ethnically agree with.

she's not exactly sure of date. but she'll be about 12-14 weeks gone when the procedure is booked in for.

i originally agreed when she was in a bit of a state.

she still has just over 2 week to arrange a lift (she doesn't want anyone to go in with her) if i cancel and give childcare as my excuse

also.... if i pull out, she will have to confess to a member of her family to get them to give her transport. one of her main reasons she doesn't want to keep the baby is her family reaction. i am 99.9% positive they would actually be very supportive (she thinks they will all be disappointed)... and if she was forced to tell them.. she would change her decision.

she has confessed she will need major counselling as previous abortion have left her badly affected and worried this one could be a step too far.

so... please dont flame me for being judgey.

i dont judge her choice.

i'm just very uncomfortable being part to this. which i dont want to tell her as i dont want to influence this decision of hers. it's her life. her choice.

as far as she's aware i am simply on neutral ground.

OP posts:

emmymama · 08/03/2010 21:55

yanbu

my friend asked me to go with her for one... when i was pregnant with my fist (live) baby after i'd had 2 miscarriages, i said no

missmoopy · 08/03/2010 22:01

You ARE judging her. It is her choice, whatever you think.

But if you are uncomfortable taking her for the procedure that is your choice. However she is a friend who is asking for your support.

bubbleymummy · 08/03/2010 22:22

Yanbu. I do wonder if your friend genuinely wants to go through with this though. If she's told lots of people about it and keeps asking you for your opinion it sounds like she might be looking for someone to tell her not to! I think you should be honest with her about your feelings. If she does actually want to keep the baby it might be your support she needs. If it was me I wouldn't go and I would be honest about why- you could save a life.

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missmoopy · 08/03/2010 22:27

I agree with bubbley that you should be honest with her about your feelings, but surely after such a long friendship she must be aware of your values?
As for "you could save a life" - that is very emotive and value laden and is bordering on anti-abortion propaganda.

bubbleymummy · 08/03/2010 22:34

Sorry you feel that way missmoopy but we are talking about a life here. I hate all this clinical talk that distances people from the reality of the situation.

missmoopy · 08/03/2010 22:37

I find emotive talk distances people from a womans right to choose. Bringing an unwanted child into the world has to be worse than terminating?

Vallhala · 08/03/2010 22:37

What concerns me is not that you're judging her, although you are. What I'm uncomfortable with is that by letting her down you'd knowingly put her into the posiion where if she was forced to tell her family "she would change her decision". It seems to me that you want to force her hand in this, which imo is wrong.

Admittedly I'm firmly in the "woman's right to choose" camp. When a friend of mine had a late abortion - just one day short of the 24 week cut-off point - I was there for her.

I saw the scans, a perfect, healthy baby, and sure, it was hard, but this lady was my dear friend and in turmoil. Her family would have accepted the situation had they known and would have wanted her to keep the baby and without me she may have had to turn to them. She needed my unbiased, silent support and she got it. That was despite the fact that less than a month previously I'd had cancer surgery which meant that I could never have the son I always dreamed of. It wasn't for me to judge, and it wasn't for me to choose.

MinkyBorage · 08/03/2010 22:47

yanbu It's irrelevant whether or not you are judgong her decision, you are perfectly entitled to think what you like about it, and if you are a true friend you will support her emotionally regardless. However it doesn't mean that you have to become complicit in a decision which you are not entirely comfortable with, and not taking her to have the procedure does not mean you are withdrawing emotional support. You are not stopping her doing anything, jus not actually aiding her in doing it, and why the hell should you?

I don't think you need to be honest with her about your feelings. She needs you as a friend, to be there for her emotionally and to support her. She doesn't necessarily need to agree with everything she does, as no doubt she doesn't agree with everything you do. A true friendship accounts for these differences, and accepts them.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2010 22:47

Sorry, but if a person objects to the abortion they should NOT be made to feel they are in the wrong with that matter of their conscience.

So she has to tell her family?

That is not the OP's fault!

She has a problem with it, the gal has a fortnight to sort it out, so tell her today you can't do it and the rest is her problem.

bubbleymummy · 08/03/2010 22:48

Who is to say the child would be unwanted when it was born? The op thinks her friend would change her mind with the family's support which sounds more like she is just scared to do this ( ie have the baby) alone. I think her friend should encourage her friend to speak to her family, even from the counselling pov because she really shouldn't be making either decision on her own and nor should the op have to be the only form of support she has.

bubbleymummy · 08/03/2010 22:51

Missmoopy- I disagree but I don't think this is the right place for pro-life vs pro- choice debate.

tethersend · 08/03/2010 22:52

You don't have to agree with her to support her right to choose.

I like living in a world where other people can make choices I disagree with.

But if you don't feel right taking her, don't. Just be prepared for what you will say when she asks you why.

j0807bump · 08/03/2010 22:58

feel like i want to comment but do not know what to say

it does sound as though she is pretty messed up

how can you continue being supportive as a friend if her actions are starting messing you up too.

MadamDeathstare · 08/03/2010 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesecondcoming · 09/03/2010 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 09/03/2010 09:25

YANBU

I am very pro choice, but in parallel I am VERY against late abortions. I think that its not fair to push yourself to support her here, and I dont agree that by withdrawing your support you will push her to her family.

I think you need to say that you feel so morally uncomfortable with her choice that you really cant support her on the day

There may be a falling out, but it sounds to me me like she needs to hear and see how irresponsible her actions are

ne true to yourself , this is such an important thing

bubbleymummy · 09/03/2010 09:51

Thesecondcoming did you read any more than my first line before you replied? The op has said that she thinks her friend would change her mind if she had her family's support. Even if she didn't change her mind she should still speak to her family about it because she will need support and it isn't fair that the entire responsibility of this falls to the op. I think the friend genuinely needs to explore her feelings about the baby because it's clear that she seems uncertain about her decision which is why she keeps seeking reassurance. To ignore that confusion could potentially cause terrible problems for the friend if she realises too late that she actually does want the baby.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/03/2010 10:00

HanBan SPOT ON "Your friend needs serious help if she's using abortion as a form of contraception"

OP, so her boyfriend is also against her aborting the baby? This is why he does not want to take her?

Have you tried reassure her that having a baby wont be so bad, and she will get support, from you, her family, etc?

mamadoc · 09/03/2010 10:30

I think you can be there for someone without necessarily approving of what they've done.
I am against abortion but I once went to a clinic to support a friend who had no-one else she could tell.
She knew my views but I was happy she still felt she could trust me. I would certainly have made a different decision in her shoes. Hell I would have brought up that baby myself if she'd wanted to have it. We talked about it and I tried to persuade her to keep the baby but I had to accept we felt differently. I went with her because I love her and I didn't want her to go alone.
Its many years ago now. We are still close. It has never been mentioned again so I have no idea if she regrets it. I have never regretted supporting her and I still feel it was the best thing I could have done.
I think you should make it clear you feel its wrong in case she may change her mind but be there for her whatever.

StrictlyKatty · 09/03/2010 10:56

'Last year I had an miscarriage and I had to have the termination pill procedure to complete it. It was physicaly awful, emotionally awful, and heartbreaking. The week after, my best friend came round to look after me while my DH was away with work. She revealed that she was pregnant - exactly the number of weeks pregnant I would have been by then. She and her DH had decided on abortion. She wanted me to talk her through the process. She wanted me to be there in the waiting room when she had the abortion.'

Vivia I'm really shocked a 'friend' would do that!

I would never go with someone, I don't believe in abortion so I couldn't go no matter how much they wanted me to, harsh but true.

If you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't go.

thesecondcoming · 09/03/2010 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivia · 09/03/2010 15:39

Sorry for hijacking, but thanks for your lovely words. To those of you who think my friend asked too much of me - I think her head was messed up and she panicked and trusted me. I think I was focusing on 'let's make everything normal' - normally, I would support her choice. Normally, I would go. So even though I was devastated for me and DH, I carried on for my friend. I guess it should have worked both ways a little more, but due to the fact I was on autopilot I didn't really stop to think 'what's she doing for me?' She sent me flowers the next day, I think.

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