Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Mum' friends - advice please

78 replies

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:29

How easy have you found it to make and sustain friendships through your kids? I moved to England for work reasons and have made some good friends through my profession. Then I became a SAHM so obviously had no day time mates as they were all at work.

Now DS1 is 4 and I only have one (lovely) friend that I meet during the daytime with kids. I do all the normal stuff - playgroups etc but find that the conversations are brief snatches of shallow stuff about kids before you wizz off to grab your child who is about to bop someone else's child over the head.

I did make another friend a few years ago but we fell out over her rather unusual parenting techniques which were making me rather uncomfortable. I also had a 'date' with a mum off 'the other place' who had a lovely boy but my son was utterly vile that day and I haven't heard from her since (understandably).

I'd love to have a big circle of mates to meet up with (like I did back home) but it just hasn't happened and I feel quite lonely and isolated.

I think not being English and being loud and opinionated with a loud and opinionated son has not helped either but surely to God not all English women are delicate little flowers, are you?

Hell, I've tried everything to make more friends (coffee mornings at my house etc) but got very little back. Maybe I should just give up and retire into splendid isolation? I used to have plenty of friends when I was younger. What happened?

Should I act more reserved and English? Should I convert from coffee to tea? Tell me!!!

OP posts:
fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:30

Maybe it's like the book says and 'they're just not that into me'?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 07/03/2010 16:30

Where are you, is it big enough that you can orchestrate a mumsnet meet ?

Regardless of where you live I can't imagine that the mumsnetters will be delicate little flowers.

EVye · 07/03/2010 16:31

My DD1 is 5 and I have developed some wonderful friends through the school run. She went to a different school to all of her playgroup friends and I have pretty much started again.

sowhatis · 07/03/2010 16:31

i dont know. im english and find this!!! if someone knows the answer, please share!!!

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:33

I am just starting to think that maybe I'm just not as cool and fun as I think. But how do you find out the answer to something like this?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 07/03/2010 16:33

Oh I see you are originally from NI, me too!

Although I missed out somewhat on the typical NI gregariously friendly gene pool.

Other ideas are join committees, horrible horrible things but good ways to meet people. Arrange a Pampered chef party at your home and invite your neighbours.

My cousin lives in SOuthern England and finds people terribly reserved, but I thought it wouldn't be so bad in Manchester.

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:34

How do you get past the 'so what age is your child' thing to being friends? What do people talk about? I like punk/literature/baking. Is that what other women talk about?

OP posts:
jennifersofia · 07/03/2010 16:34

How long have you been here? I find with many English people, it just takes a longer time to develop relationship than I was previously used to (sometimes years). Maybe go for the little and often approach. Relationship is often built on incident.

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:35

My neighbours hate me too rookiemater...

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:38

I am Northern Irish, probably similar to Yankiness in loudness/crassness. The thing is that others already seem to have their own grups so are not bothered and I am afraid of coming across like a big loony stalker.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 07/03/2010 16:38

Hate to ask it but why do your neighbours hate you ?

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:40

Also I do not wear Boden and even my husband says I am 'eccentric'. My favourite poet is Philip Larkin, I used to be a bell ringer and I was an anarchist punk for years. The mumsnetters will shun me at a meet up too ... I can tell.

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 07/03/2010 16:41

you sounds like fun! organise a meetup - i dare you...

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:42

Rookie, I used to be a teacher and the lady across the ropad with kids has a 'thing' about teachers ie being the establishment so sdoes not like me accordingly.

My 'semi' neighbours are very loud and aggressive and have 5 cats. They hate me 'cos I sprayed their cats with a hose every time they tried to crap in our garden. None of them will speak to us. More to that story but too long winded to type it all out now.

OP posts:
fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:44

Ok I need a Manchester meet up of odd people, loons, inadequates and visionaries. Cake provided by me. Any takers? No dull talk about kids/schools/mortgages allowed.

OP posts:
fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:44

[ a tumbleweed blows across the empty prarie...]

OP posts:
rookiemater · 07/03/2010 16:46

Well maybe for you finding friends through your DC is not the way to go. Join a bell ringing group, go to a poetry group or a gig ?

Sorry running out of ideas as I am non confrontational Boden wearing middle of the road Mum so I'm probably not barking up the right track. But I have to say I haven't made a huge amount of new friends through DS just because its hard to move beyond that discussing your kids bit , particularly as I work 4 days a week so only see the mums at pick up once a week and at birthday parties.

Sympathise your neighbours do sound a bit pants. I hate having to pick up cat poo, bleugh.

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemater · 07/03/2010 16:46

barking up the right tree, not track

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 16:47

I'm at home with the children and have lots of daytime friends who I met when DS1 started at the local school. I have approached people who seemed nice and developed some great friendships from there.

Toddler and preschool groups are very much snatched conversation in between grabbing kids but to make more of those conversations, it only takes one of you to say hey, it would be fun to meet up sometime, how about we go to the park/coffee shop/play area one morning?
That's how a lot of my friendships started - in fact one of my closest friends is someone who I used to pass when I was out walking ds2 in his pram and she was walking her ds in his pram and we just stopped and started chatting one day about the state of the pavements on the road we were on and from there we started meeting up on purpose for a chat and our boys became little friends too.
If you "click" with someone, bite the bullet and suggest meeting up sometime. It can just be a coffee or a chat in the park while the DCs play but it's a start.
Once your DS starts school you'll have loads of people to meet up with.

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:47

Durn, can't get to the Trafford Centre from herebut thanks for asking me secondcoming.

OP posts:
mamsnet · 07/03/2010 16:47

Jesus, I'm not even in the U.K but would come if I could..

I find it can be difficult to meet people too and haven't really met anybody through my kids.. get very bored talking about nappies/ weaning etc and then get cross with myself for being just as bad!

What about a book club?

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 16:49

....but (having x-posted with your other comments) probably best to get rid of your preconceived ideas that people won't want to meet up with you or it might become a self fulfilling prophecy

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:49

Thought about organising one mamsnet (ie advertising it in the local playgroup). Do you think there would be many takers?

OP posts: