Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

'Mum' friends - advice please

78 replies

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:29

How easy have you found it to make and sustain friendships through your kids? I moved to England for work reasons and have made some good friends through my profession. Then I became a SAHM so obviously had no day time mates as they were all at work.

Now DS1 is 4 and I only have one (lovely) friend that I meet during the daytime with kids. I do all the normal stuff - playgroups etc but find that the conversations are brief snatches of shallow stuff about kids before you wizz off to grab your child who is about to bop someone else's child over the head.

I did make another friend a few years ago but we fell out over her rather unusual parenting techniques which were making me rather uncomfortable. I also had a 'date' with a mum off 'the other place' who had a lovely boy but my son was utterly vile that day and I haven't heard from her since (understandably).

I'd love to have a big circle of mates to meet up with (like I did back home) but it just hasn't happened and I feel quite lonely and isolated.

I think not being English and being loud and opinionated with a loud and opinionated son has not helped either but surely to God not all English women are delicate little flowers, are you?

Hell, I've tried everything to make more friends (coffee mornings at my house etc) but got very little back. Maybe I should just give up and retire into splendid isolation? I used to have plenty of friends when I was younger. What happened?

Should I act more reserved and English? Should I convert from coffee to tea? Tell me!!!

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AccioPinotGrigio · 07/03/2010 16:54

You sound like a laugh. You should move to where I am, you would fit right in - lots of old punks and anarchists here and not far from Manchester, about 20 minutes on a fast train out of Victoria. It's a place called Todmorden.

Original poster

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:56

Yes, I hear you ladies. Maybe there is some truth in what you say. Perhaps I have painted myself as the 'outsider'to myself more than I think. I definitely think Iused to try harder to make friends but have sort of given upas so many of my efforts have come to naught.

OP posts:

heQet · 07/03/2010 16:56

I dunno, I am quite timid and "loud and opinionated" would scare the shit out of me

I like a little less noise, not so in your face and opinions only when I ask for them!

I suspect a lot of people are like me, so maybe tone down the loud and opinionated until they know and love you and then let it out slowly so you don't scare them off?

Original poster

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:57

Todmorden eh? I have never heard of it but I am off to check the property prices henceforth!

OP posts:

Original poster

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:58

heQet, you are right but then I don't know what to talk about. My son and i both get overexcited in company and go a bit mental!

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 17:00

Maybe you are getting too caught up in how you can get past the "How old are your kids" bit to the real friendship bit where you chat about all the things you are interested in outside of the parenting bit. That will come naturally if you meet the right people but you can't force it and you're better off accepting that you'll start off with a number of casual friends to meet up for coffee and play with and then the better friendships will happen without you having to try so hard. It won't take as long as you think but if you try too hard to look for someone to join you in an afternoon of listening to your punk back catalogue then you might just put people off before they've really had chance to get to know you because you will seem a bit full-on IYKWIM
Just enjoy a bit of light chat about the children and other basic "getting to know you" stuff and the rest will follow.

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AccioPinotGrigio · 07/03/2010 17:03

There's nothing wrong with "loud and opinionated" as long as it isn't accompanied by "I must always be the centre of attention". If you know what I mean. You do let other people get a word in though don't you?????????

Original poster

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:06

To the last two posts - no I am actually quite shy and very interested in other people. I know what you mean second coming and no I don't do the whole 'dirty washing in public thing'. More that I think there is a whole level of conversation that I'm not sure how to access. That is how to make the jump from polite playgroup chat to 'real' conversation.

OP posts:

heQet · 07/03/2010 17:07

My sister's dog's like that so pleased to see you he nearly licks your face clean off.

People like it when you ask them questions about themselves.

Not like an interview but general chit-chat. For each thing you disclose about yourself, ask 2 things about them and their life. Admire something about them - their hair, or their clothes - just one compliment, don't overdo it . Let conversations develop from this exchange of information - you find out they like swimming, you talk about nice pools, open air pools, the sea, the seaside... you can develop a conversation, it can flow nicely.

Don't offer opinions on any aspect of their life people don't like that. Unsolicited opinions are annoying.

Don't say "I don't care" when they are talking about something that doesn't interest you.

All of the above I have been taught by my husband. Who has to coach me in how to talk to people, how to interact, how to make friends. Because I am crap at it.

He debriefs me after we have been chatting to someone, tells me where I cocked up, what I did well.

I am now getting very good at meaningless small talk with people I don't care about on topics I couldn't give a fuck about to do with their lives that I'm not interested in.

(You can see why I haven't the knack of making friends myself, can't you? )

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parakeet · 07/03/2010 17:18

Dear FBB - I do feel for you, and I am so bored of bland and meaningless smalltalk about nappies, favourite food etc I do wish you lived near me.

I think the other posters have already given good advice, but the one thing I would add is do not despair, because as soon as your child starts going to school, that is a ready-made source of new friends for you. I have been amazed at how much social activity goes on at my school, and my child is only in the pre-school (nursery year). Evening events too. Just get on the PTA and help out a lot and I'm sure you'll make loads of friends that way.

Original poster

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:25

Second coming, I am in Burnage.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:37

The didsbury ladies might be too posh for me.

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SloanyPony · 07/03/2010 17:40

To answer your OP, I sort of had this problem a bit when I moved to England. In particular the English women are delicate flowers thing. I was fine in London when I was working in the City etc - that was easy, my social life was almost bordering on unmanageable. But when I moved to a lovely rural location about an hour or so outside of London when I had DS, I really had the feeling that I was starting again and was concerned about feeling isolated as we dont have family nearby either, we literally chose a nice spot and moved here with no contacts or connections.

I did however do NCT classes and that provided me with an instant group of mummy friends but of course came with a few pitfals that NCT groups sometimes do (a few competitive PFBers and people wanting to dump their baby with you and swan around without really having any intention of returning the favour which needed managing a bit in the first year) - also, you often find about 2/3 of them go back to work in some capacity so you cant necessarily rely on them forevermore.

So it was hard finding fresh blood to supplement my NCT buddies. Toddler groups are not my scene. And by hell those mums seem like delicate little softly spoken little flowers - I feel crass and brash sometimes. I dont want to talk about little Mingus' first steps or what's ready to harvest down the allotment. I want to hear why your husband is crap in the sack, what vile thing your ex did to land him in prison, and how much money you lost in shares.

However things are looking up now DS is in preschool (I've since had another child which has distracted me a bit anyway) and when you join the proper school community it gets even easier to pick people up here and there. And it happens slowly. There's a woman I saw a couple of times at baby gym (which I hate) and a couple of times at playgroup (which I also hate) who is also at DS's preschool on a Friday - so all these sightings and quick chats here and there eventually, about 9 months later, resulted in a coffee invite. But if I'd gone up to her the 2nd time I ever saw her, she'd think I was a stalker. If that makes sense.

So it takes time, but I get what you are saying about English girls - they can seem a bit scary and aloof at times.

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 17:45

There you go again - putting up another wall between you and potential new friends

Didsbury isn't posh anyway - there's a Domino's Pizza too close for it to be posh

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:45

lol second coming, I hear you loud and clear! You sound alright but you must admit there is a Didsbury 'type'. My friend (second generation Caribbean) went to a playgroup once there (only black lady) and the lady who ran it said to her at the end,'Lovely sunny day today dear. Must make you feel right at home.'
My friend just laughed!

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 17:46

x-post with thesecondcoming on "there you go again" ( I got distracted mid-typing by small child with teabags on his head)

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:47

Yes Sloanypony, I agree with you. Those are REAL topics of conversation!

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 17:52

if you'd rather be talking about why your dh is crap in bed, what your ex did to land himself in prison and what financial crisis people are going through, then that could be what's stopping other mums from getting more involved. It's a bit in-your-face for a lot of people and a bit JK

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 17:58

It was tongue in cheek - display!! I think this is where the not-English problem occurs.

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 18:02

I know it was - which is why I had to mention Jeremy Kyle.
Your hang up about not being English is coming through strongly though and this might be alienating you from people who would be interested in chatting but maybe feel you have already decided yourself that you don't fit in?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread