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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Mum' friends - advice please

78 replies

fattybumbum · 07/03/2010 16:29

How easy have you found it to make and sustain friendships through your kids? I moved to England for work reasons and have made some good friends through my profession. Then I became a SAHM so obviously had no day time mates as they were all at work.

Now DS1 is 4 and I only have one (lovely) friend that I meet during the daytime with kids. I do all the normal stuff - playgroups etc but find that the conversations are brief snatches of shallow stuff about kids before you wizz off to grab your child who is about to bop someone else's child over the head.

I did make another friend a few years ago but we fell out over her rather unusual parenting techniques which were making me rather uncomfortable. I also had a 'date' with a mum off 'the other place' who had a lovely boy but my son was utterly vile that day and I haven't heard from her since (understandably).

I'd love to have a big circle of mates to meet up with (like I did back home) but it just hasn't happened and I feel quite lonely and isolated.

I think not being English and being loud and opinionated with a loud and opinionated son has not helped either but surely to God not all English women are delicate little flowers, are you?

Hell, I've tried everything to make more friends (coffee mornings at my house etc) but got very little back. Maybe I should just give up and retire into splendid isolation? I used to have plenty of friends when I was younger. What happened?

Should I act more reserved and English? Should I convert from coffee to tea? Tell me!!!

OP posts:
DebiNewberry · 07/03/2010 18:09

And tbh, true friends know that a bit of oh fuck where am I going to send my dc to school, doesn't make somebody boring. You don't cherry pick the 'cool' bits.

If you want me to cough up a bit of lung for you, you've got to get through the day to day first. That down and dirty stuff has to be earnt!

CloudDragon · 07/03/2010 18:17

us Mancs are pretty forthcoming, but if the only common ground you have is the fact that you both have a small child, that generally is away to start a conversation...

are you making people feel boring talking about their kids. If so that may be the problem.

I'm all for talking about sex and drugs and rock and roll...well pretty much anything but it might include my DCs potty training or what I'm doing that evening because that is life.

If you just try and talk about other stuff all the time it too gets dull (and maybe a bit try hard iykwim).

Having lived with a houseful of people from NI can't say they were all too brash for us MAnky lot. In fact it was usually the other way round .

Morloth · 07/03/2010 18:23

I have found the English particularly hard nuts to crack as far as making friends goes. The class structure here flies way over my head and I just don't get a lot of stuff. Gave up a couple of years ago and now have mostly expat friends. The English people I am friends with are the partners of other expats.

No idea why, Singapore was fairly easy to get on with the locals and I wasn't expecting such a large gulf between Sydney and London, but there you go.

thesecondcoming · 07/03/2010 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 07/03/2010 18:45

I'm over in Liverpool, and suspect we could get on famously if we ever got a conversation going....(I'm quiet and opinionated, definitely not a delicate flower)

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 18:50

Yay! thanks for liking me!

displayuntilbestbefore · 07/03/2010 18:56

I'm sorry but I think this whole English being delicate flowers and tough nuts to crack is a load of rubbish. Especially if you're up in the north west (not that I'm biased of course).
My guess is that if you have that opinion already in your mind and you are expecting it to be hard to get on with people then unwittingly you may be turning people off by having something about you which suggests to others that you them as some sort of "other creature". That's not exactly going to endear people to someone.
I'd probably go so far as to say that if someone says that it's everyone else who makes it hard for them to make friends, it's rather more likely that the real reason is closer to home .

BuzzingNoise · 07/03/2010 19:00

I want to know what your old friend's parenting techniques were like for you to fall out with her over them. Do tell!

heQet · 07/03/2010 19:13

I wanted to ask that, buzzing

And did she ask for your opinion, or did you just sock it to her? [nosy]

Morloth · 07/03/2010 19:14

display I wasn't expecting London to be terribly different from Sydney - that is what has surprised me, I thought we had pretty much the same culture, just different weather.

Haven't really got beyond chatting at playgroups/school gates/park with English mums, it just doesn't seem to go further. Possibly because they are more established in their social circle and so don't need new friends.

Doesn't bother me that much anymore, plenty of foreigners about in the same situation.

BuzzingNoise · 07/03/2010 19:23

I'm English and I find English people to be rude...me included!

cat64 · 07/03/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nettiespagetti · 07/03/2010 19:55

I'm shy but I love meeting new people. Have nct girlies from ds and boobie club girlies from ds! Also got nursery mums and chat lots to other mums at stay and play (admittedly inbetween chasing after ds who is stealing toys from unsuspecting babies and ds who is ramming into things with assortment of ride on toys).

I'm outsider Scottish in essex but I seem to get on alright and if peeps not interested then I don't worry.

Hope you start feeling bit more included in whatever you try!

Acanthus · 07/03/2010 19:59

You so CAN get to the Trafford Centre from Burnage!!

suwoo · 07/03/2010 20:05

I can't believe you aren't coming to the meetup tomorrow. What a perfect opportunity to meet people

I know TSC is no wallflower but willbe lovely and welcoming. I am not backwards in coming forwards and I very much doubt AnyFucker is.

Come. I dare you.

shakingmyfattybumbum · 07/03/2010 20:22

Hi there, didn't make myself clear. Also got a little baby so a big journey on the bus with pram etc plus DS1 and quite a long 'outing' are a bit scary for me at the min.

Where and what time are you meeting at out of curiosity's sake?

Also, I don't think I am being difficult. I have made a lot of nice friends through work since I came here. I think the playgroup scenario is diferent, that's all.

suwoo · 07/03/2010 20:40

There are lots of babies coming, I wonder if you would fit in with anyone for a lift?

Giraffe. Meeting at somewhere between 11-1.

Me and two of my three are coming and most of us coming have a baby it seems.

ilovepiccolina · 07/03/2010 20:50

OP, when I found myself at home with two dtws, after years of having ready-made friends at work, I did feel very isolated. I felt that people at playgroup had nothing in common with me, except that we had children. But, if you make the first move & invite a friendly type round for coffee, eventually you'll find someone who you click with. Or get involved with running the playgroup.

It does get easier when they start school. You meet peole at the school gate, the dch start inviting friends back, go to parties etc. Also you can get involved at the school, fetes, accompanying trips etc. I ran the 2nd hand uniform stall & helped with reading.

Keep at it!

Wormwood · 07/03/2010 20:53

Message deleted

flyingdolphin · 08/03/2010 09:43

Have you thought about going back to work or is that not possible? I had some nice SAHM friends when my dcs were young, but most of us (including me) went back to work, I could never really get into the SAHM social scene once the children were at nursery (no insult to SAHMers meant).
I have made some nice friends through my kids, and enjoy picking up my kids on the days I can and pumping into them and having a chat, but overall I have made better friends through work than through my kids.

Irons · 08/03/2010 10:03

I'm not English and I understand what you mean about conversations that are brief snatches of shallow stuff about kids. People are very involved in their own lives that they already have and with juggling between work, friends and family often don't have time for making new friends. I find a lot of mums I meet alread have a close circle of friends that they have grown up with and it's very hard to break into that circle.

NinthWave · 08/03/2010 10:39

fattybumbum I may have the answer to your woes I live in Wilmslow but am probably the least posh person here so pls don't let that put you off...I've got a 2.7yo DS and, having sneaked a look at your profile, see we may have a similar sense of humour I also have a large and motley collection of odd people, loons, inadequates and visionaries in Manchester - tho I'm the only one with a small child.

I'm sure some of them could be persuaded to come along for an afternoon in the park some time if you're interested...

NinthWave · 08/03/2010 10:40

PS I have found a nice non-cliquey toddler group here, you're only a trip on the 130 bus away if you fancy a Friday morning playgroup sometime

doesntplaywellwithothers · 08/03/2010 10:45

fattybumbum...
I just read your profile, and I want to be friends with you...I love cake AND the Women's Room is one of my all time favourite books...

Who needs to talk about kids when we've got stuff like that?

PS Just for the record, I'm American and have the same struggle here in England...everyone is absolutely lovely, but I am still trying to find a nice group of friends to spend time with.

mrsbean78 · 08/03/2010 12:21

It isn't easy. I am new to the local 'circuit' (ds only 3 months) but I agree that typical mumflirting is confined to short snatches of baby-related talk. Sometimes I watch people talking at these groups and it's easy to see that often, while one person speaks, the other is just biding their time, nodding and smiling, until they get the floor to talk about their own stuff.

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