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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my friend called me barren

96 replies

asteri · 04/03/2010 08:51

ok so bit of back story, DP and I have been "properly" trying for a baby for 7 months now, although I have been pregnant twice in the past and miscarried both.
My friend found out she was pregnant last year and to be honest we havent really spent that much time together in the past few months (mainly because a few people have left wher I work and I have become really busy and ended up working quite long hours and by the tiem I get home I struggle to want to go out) anyway, she is due to give birth in a two weeks so I popped over last night and took her a gift for the new baby as we will be away when its due. She then said ooooo Ive not seen you for ages, I know it must be upsetting coming over to see me now im pregnant with you being barren and all. errrrr, Im not barren. Am I being overly sensitive or is calling me barren a bit harsh?

OP posts:
Prinpo · 04/03/2010 10:00

Of course YANBU. What a stupid and bizarre thing to say, not only because it's such Victorian language, but also because 2mcs and trying to conceive for a few months does not mean you have fertility problems! If she wanted to try to be sensitive and acknowledge your situation then something along the lines of "Thanks for the lovely present. I hope it happens for you soon" would have been a bit more appropriate.

If she will insist on speaking like someone out of a costume drama then I suggest you follow her lead. Didn't women used to go through a period of confinement... Failing that, when you next see her lean over, have a good look at her and say, "My God, this pregnancy has given you a lot of facial hair, hasn't it?"

IsItMeOr · 04/03/2010 10:10

YANBU - hopefully you have some other friends who are, well, more friendly. Sorry about the mcs and fingers crossed that something happens for you soon.

Can somebody explain to me why "sprog" is offensive? I have a 1yo and I don't get it...

WithMomentsOfMildPeril · 04/03/2010 10:16

She sounds like a smug bitch!

whimsy · 04/03/2010 10:17

YANBU - Barren, what horrible thing to say, she wouldn't be my friend anymore, cow!

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/03/2010 10:26

"Barren"? WTF?

Using a term like that would almost be funny (in a black comedy way) if it wasn't so, so insensitive. Your friend is a weird throwback type. And you've only been trying for 7 months ffs, hardly time for your fertility to be written off

YANBU, of course, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through the mcs -- don't let her upset you any more though, she's a knob

gagamama · 04/03/2010 10:44

YANBU! 'Barren' is one of those horrid old misogynistic words, like 'spinster'. I would be very offended. Smug cow.

plantsitter · 04/03/2010 10:49

Is her first language English? If it isn't did she pick the wrong word? If it is, dump her. Who needs that kind of muppetry in their lives??

petunia75 · 04/03/2010 15:31

I agree with everyone who says dump her. Seriously, you don't need someone so nasty in your life. So sorry to hear about the mcs. Good luck in the future.

swanandduck · 04/03/2010 15:33

Ignorant and thoughtless remark. Being pregnant in no way excuses it.

ShadeofViolet · 04/03/2010 15:44

I would dump the smug cow!

Sorry to hear about the M/C's.

wheresmypaddle · 04/03/2010 15:57

YANBU what a vicious, horrible thing to say. I am not sure there is any excuse for using that word in those circumstances.

SeaTrek · 04/03/2010 16:02

OMG @ Barren!!

I would avoid her now - she sounds AWFUL

chipmonkey · 04/03/2010 16:06

I've been pregnant 4 times and not once did I lose the empathy chip in my brain as a result! What a bitch!
Best of luck with the ttc, hope you get a result!

Original poster
asteri · 04/03/2010 16:22

Oh my god it gets worse (I know) she has just sent me a text saying "it was nice to see you last night thanks for the present it was lovely and would love to see you more but I do think you will have to try and get over any jealousy about us having a baby and you not being able to or it won't get any easier for you when you come and visit us once [baby] is born."
Thats it I have decided Im sacking her off, dont care that I have to live next door but one to her!

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/03/2010 16:28

Oh my God. What can you possibly say in response to that? I think she should have it with both barrels.

Something like... I was going to draw a veil over your offensive use of the word "barren" but feel you need help - socially, I mean, or you will continue to alienate people. I am not infertile, and nor am I jealous. I do, however, think far, far less of you than I did when I woke up this morning.

MmeLindt · 04/03/2010 16:29

If you want to be friends with her then phone her - or email her if you cannot talk. Tell her that you are not jealous, you are truly happy for her but her calling you barren was very hurtful.

You are not barren, you have just not yet been lucky enough to have a baby.

If she can keep her smug comments to herself then you may still be able to have a friendship, if that is hwat you want.

So sorry that she has upset you.

Original poster
asteri · 04/03/2010 16:31

DH has just got in from work and is taking me to the pub for an early tea to cheer me up a bit.

OP posts:
RubyBuckleberry · 04/03/2010 16:33

fuck me YANBU what a thing to say!

diddl · 04/03/2010 16:33

I agree OP, she doesn´t sound worth bothering with.

Does she know that you´ve had miscarriages in the past?

And 7 months isn´t long to be trying, is it?

Just an aside,I hate the word sprog.

Jacanne · 04/03/2010 16:36

What a cow! I think being pregnant makes you more sensitive to people who are having problems conceiving or who have m/c - you realise how bloody lucky you are - being smug about it also feels too much like tempting fate. I would ditch her too but would want to explain why

WildSeahorses · 04/03/2010 16:40

WTF! That is so bitchy. FWIW I don't accept that "pregnancy" or "hormones" is an excuse for this type of behaviour. This isn't just her being pregnant, this is her being a bitch. You'll be well shot of her.

gingernutlover · 04/03/2010 16:42

YANBU

I would stop being friends with her too but you really have to tell her why ... she was totally out of order by the sounds of it

MamaLazarou · 04/03/2010 16:49

YANBU darling. She sounds awful. Good luck with ttc.

mmmwine · 04/03/2010 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaireDeLoon · 04/03/2010 16:50

That is one of the bitchiest things I have ever heard of, particularly when combined with her nasty text. She sounds awful I would just avoid her like the plague. I don't understand why you'd try to be so hurtful, then reinforce it with a nasty text. Is this her first out of interest?

I'm sorry about your previous m/c's and hope you conceive soon and enjoy a healthy pregnancy.

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