to ask DH to not end up being The Most Pissed Person at every party we go to?

[Nanga]

DH likes a drink. His family all really like a drink. His friends all really really like a drink.

Since we had DCs we obvs don't go out much. DH might have a few beers in the evening, but not much. He goes out maybe once every couple of months, and when he does, he gets absolutely hammered with his mates - out til 4am, 2 day hangover etc. I've not got a problem with him this - it's not very often, boys will be boys etc.

But on the rare occasions we've been out together in past couple of year, he doesn't seem to think it's a problem that he drinks and drinks til he's the most lairy pissed bloke there. Honestly, it's considered 'normal' in his circles! We went to a wedding last year, quite a buttoned up affair, and the best man had to ask him to leave he was so drunk. I am still mortified at the memory.

There's a 40th birthday party looming - one of my friends. We've got a nice hotel booked, babysitters lined up - a rare night away without DCs. I have had a sick sense of dread about the evening as I know he'll just get hammered and make an idiot of himself. It's just so embarrassing. Friends make light of it, but the person whose party it is said to me on the phone last night jokingly 'let's hope your DH stays on the shandies eh'. I'm not saying I'm a saint! I love to let my hair down and have a good time, and was a massive party girl BC, it's just that kids and age have meant that most of us have calmed down a bit.

So last night I asked DH, tentatively and as non-confrontationally as possible, if he would rein it in a bit at this party - just take it a bit easy on the booze.

Well, that request went well... He threw a fit, told me I was really, really boring and is now refusing to go to party at all. I've just unbooked our posh hotel.

Actually, I'm fine about going on my own. Relieved in fact. But really sad that we can no longer socialise as a couple without tensions that revolve around alcohol.

AIBU to have even raised this issue with him?

I think you are being totally reasonable, and I have a dh who sound very much like yours.

Basically your friend has told you she doesn;t want your dh to ruin her party, you asked him nicely he can't do that so won't go.

YANBU

Him throwing a fit sounds as if he knows there's a problem, imo.

Of course YANBU.
Probably a few people will be glad he´s not going.

Will he stay sober enough at home to look after the children whilst you go alone?

Yanbu, if he has thrown a fit already about just the suggestion of taking it easy it does sound like he has a problem.

YANBU! If he has thrown a fit about it he clearly has a problem!

YANBU. I have EXACTLY the same problem - DH cannot socialise unless it involves drinking and he is the most annoying drunk person ever and usually always passes the point of no return way before every one else, its so embarrasing.

I never felt like I could make a huge issue of it as I was (before pregnancy) a big boozer myself but at least I could sit at a dinner party and make it to dessert without head lolling about and talking nonsense!

Now that I am PG I would like to think that we can both be 'grown ups' when we go out after the baby is born, drink moderately and maybe even (shock horror) DH could drive once in a while! The problem is if I do ask him to drive now and again (and Im sure he would) I will be constantly worried that he is bored, uncomfortable and not having a nice time (part of the reason he drinks when out is because he lacks confidence around people if he is out of his comfort zone).

I think its reasonable to bring it up - stick to your guns and hopefully he will realise what a tit he is when drunk (the tantrum was probably because deep down he knows you are right!) If all else fails videotape him when drunk and shame him when he is sober!

In the meantime encourage your DH to drink a lot of water when out, I subtely do this and it helps a bit, however you need to master the skill of making him think its his idea and dont let his friends see as he will get a big drunken strop on for 'emasculating' him in front of them!

thanks for the replies. sucks doesn't it, OurVera? if it was US who embarrassed them by getting hideously pissed in front of THEIR friends, I'm sure they would be horrified and furious.

YANBU - my DH does this and so does my friends DH! Drinks occasionally or in moderation most of the time until it's a party or wedding and then drinks like it's his last day on earth! HE fell asleep on the cab drivers shoulder on our way home from the last wedding!

I decided that if my dh ever has a works xmas do again then I won't go.

IF he's had a hissy fit then he knows he's out of order but doesn't want to admit it.

Enjoy the party without him!

YANBU.

Book the posh hotel again and have yourself a lovely night of it. Treat him like you would a small child, "well, such a pity that you can't play nicely , but in that case I'll have to go without you, see you later!".

ha, domesticslattern, nice one!

and 2old, i already vowed to never attend a wedding again with the old soak. what's wrong with a bit of effing moderation, eh??!

I think having kids makes things worse because they try and cram it all in and get 'over-excited'

YANBU to have raised the issue with him. It is obvious that your friend was dropping a heavy hint that she doesn't want your dh making a drunken show of himself at her party. He is probably mortified and covering it up with a load of defensive annoyance. Hopefully, the message has sunk home though. Go to the party and enjoy yourself.

sounds exactly like us. used to be a lot worse. Before we met, people wouldn't invite him to their weddings/christenings because he'd just get so pissed and be staggering around making a nuisance of himself. When we met he must have been on his best behaviour, but gradually he got back into it. It really affected our relationship, I lost a lot of respect for him and didn't want to socialise at all with him because I would just be mortified. After one particularly bad one (he can get quite argumentative and scares me because there's nothing behind the eyes and he doesn't remember anything the next day) I booked us (me, ds, dd) into a hotel for the night. He was frantic the next day and I think it woke him up to the fact that he could lose us if he didn't stop being a tit. He is so much better now, although when he goes out on his own with his mates, he still gets ridiculously pissed and I'm still on edge when we go out together wondering whether he's going over the edge, although it hasn't happened for a long time. I don't imagine for a minute that he's 'cured', it's just that we don't go out as much.

I also tell him that in a few year's time the dcs will understand more and will see him as an embarrassing old soak. The pissing in the bed/on the sofa won't be so easily explained away.

Keep the hotel booking. He's probably smarting quite a bit. He may calm down after a while. If not, you can go yourself anyway.

if mates are SAYING things then he obv is a reetknob when drunk

my DH used to be like this. He is now a recovering alcohlic - 4 years sober. It is a major pointer to a bigger problem if someone doesn't know when to or can't stop after a couple of drinks. Believe it or not he can still have fun now he doesn't drink at all.

they're just pathetic aren't they, deleting?? I know lots of women have problems with alcohol too, but why do men think it's so much more acceptable to go over the top. My DH can often not even remember half the nights he's had out. I think, well what a fucking waste of money that was then!!

when i met DH we were both out all the time, partying, clubbing etc. but that was ten years ago. i'm thankful for the fact that he doesn't really drink much at home, it would be a real problem then. he just can't take into account the fact that not everyone sees it as compulsory to chuck as much booze down their neck in as short a time as possible as soon as someone mentions the word 'Party'

Don't see why you should miss out on a lovely party/posh hotel just because he has had a tantrum.

Rebook hotel and why not go to the spa for a couple of hours before the party? After all you will not be needing to pay a babysitter now.

i blame the parents

really, though, i do. The men in DH's family are ALL the same. My poor MIL's funeral was at 9.30am so they were all at the bar afterwards by 10.15am and absolutely bladdered by lunchtime. All i could think was that she'd be turning in her brand new grave if she could see them all. She used to hate her husband's drinking as much as I hate her son's drinking...

YNBU....... My DH can be this way too, almost to break point as it started to roll over into family & friends get together Sunday afternoon pub lunches .....

I did a bit of research, & posted on an alcoholics website, asking opinions of this type of behaviour, apparently its known as "Social Alcoholism" ..... next time he did it, I posted it in my FB update for all our friends to see, & then forced him to read the replies to my Alcoholics post...... funny, hes been a LOT better since