to ask DH to not end up being The Most Pissed Person at every party we go to?

[Nanga]

DH likes a drink. His family all really like a drink. His friends all really really like a drink.

Since we had DCs we obvs don't go out much. DH might have a few beers in the evening, but not much. He goes out maybe once every couple of months, and when he does, he gets absolutely hammered with his mates - out til 4am, 2 day hangover etc. I've not got a problem with him this - it's not very often, boys will be boys etc.

But on the rare occasions we've been out together in past couple of year, he doesn't seem to think it's a problem that he drinks and drinks til he's the most lairy pissed bloke there. Honestly, it's considered 'normal' in his circles! We went to a wedding last year, quite a buttoned up affair, and the best man had to ask him to leave he was so drunk. I am still mortified at the memory.

There's a 40th birthday party looming - one of my friends. We've got a nice hotel booked, babysitters lined up - a rare night away without DCs. I have had a sick sense of dread about the evening as I know he'll just get hammered and make an idiot of himself. It's just so embarrassing. Friends make light of it, but the person whose party it is said to me on the phone last night jokingly 'let's hope your DH stays on the shandies eh'. I'm not saying I'm a saint! I love to let my hair down and have a good time, and was a massive party girl BC, it's just that kids and age have meant that most of us have calmed down a bit.

So last night I asked DH, tentatively and as non-confrontationally as possible, if he would rein it in a bit at this party - just take it a bit easy on the booze.

Well, that request went well... He threw a fit, told me I was really, really boring and is now refusing to go to party at all. I've just unbooked our posh hotel.

Actually, I'm fine about going on my own. Relieved in fact. But really sad that we can no longer socialise as a couple without tensions that revolve around alcohol.

AIBU to have even raised this issue with him?

sk, I know what you mean about staying sober. It's really put me off drinking, seeing what it does to you. I agree with malificence, cancel the night, fake illness or something. being embarrassed by their behaviour is one thing, but that sort of abuse is another.

Poor Nanga, I know how you feel! My DH was very much like this, and because he was big and (outwardly) very confident, everyone just thought he was life and soul of the party and "crazy", whereas I dreaded nights out and what he'd be like. Someone said their husband went "dead behind the eyes" and that describes it for me, it's not just them making a fool of themselves, it's also that you don't know them or trust them when their like that. And, like Spiritual Knot, it can make sex a bit of a nightmare. It always bothered me, but when we had our first DC it became a real issue.

I'm very lucky because my DH realised he had a problem (ie couldn't cope socially without a drink, he comes from a big family of "fun people" drinkers, his father is basically a social alcoholic, can't cope without a drink, falls asleep at the table etc but also is seen as "great fun") He dropped our DC when drunk when I was out, it really shocked him and he started going to AA. I was really shocked at first, I suppose, even though I didn't like the drinking, I didn't want to confront the idea he might be an alcoholic.
AA has been amazing for him, he's been sober for 18 months now and he's like a different person. I'm pg again and really looking forward to it this time, no drink makes it so much easier. He's really cool about it and doesn't mind me or friends drinking, thought it's been really tough for him especially with his family who were not very supportive as you can imagine. And some of his friends just didn't get it (I suppose they thought, if he had a problem, they did to.) But as he says, it doesn't work like that, you can drink lots and not have a problem, but if it's affecting your wife and kids it IS a problem.

Out of all the people we know, he was the least likely to stop drinking. But he managed so far, and the best thing is he's realised that he doesn't need to drink to be life and soul of the party, he can do it sober (in fact, he's much more interesting sober, him drunk was never very impressive!

I'm really proud of him, and I reckon AA has been a big help, but you have to be ready for it. I think you are all right that this is common for men of a certain type- it's just the norm to go out and get pissed, nobody thinks anything of it but when you're at home picking up the pieces it's no fun and we shouldn't stand for it!

I've just suggested I cancel unless he can reassure me he won't take one of those tablets again. Says he won't be taking one ever again, as they've turned him off sex...I hadn't really noticed, but I believe him as he tends towards hypochondria a bit.

Won't be cancelling and it was that that spoiled it last time, so it should be okay. I don't mind him getting drunk sometimes ..doesn't get violent or anything, just a pain as he seems to feel it's compulsory.

SK