to ask DH to not end up being The Most Pissed Person at every party we go to?

[Nanga]

DH likes a drink. His family all really like a drink. His friends all really really like a drink.

Since we had DCs we obvs don't go out much. DH might have a few beers in the evening, but not much. He goes out maybe once every couple of months, and when he does, he gets absolutely hammered with his mates - out til 4am, 2 day hangover etc. I've not got a problem with him this - it's not very often, boys will be boys etc.

But on the rare occasions we've been out together in past couple of year, he doesn't seem to think it's a problem that he drinks and drinks til he's the most lairy pissed bloke there. Honestly, it's considered 'normal' in his circles! We went to a wedding last year, quite a buttoned up affair, and the best man had to ask him to leave he was so drunk. I am still mortified at the memory.

There's a 40th birthday party looming - one of my friends. We've got a nice hotel booked, babysitters lined up - a rare night away without DCs. I have had a sick sense of dread about the evening as I know he'll just get hammered and make an idiot of himself. It's just so embarrassing. Friends make light of it, but the person whose party it is said to me on the phone last night jokingly 'let's hope your DH stays on the shandies eh'. I'm not saying I'm a saint! I love to let my hair down and have a good time, and was a massive party girl BC, it's just that kids and age have meant that most of us have calmed down a bit.

So last night I asked DH, tentatively and as non-confrontationally as possible, if he would rein it in a bit at this party - just take it a bit easy on the booze.

Well, that request went well... He threw a fit, told me I was really, really boring and is now refusing to go to party at all. I've just unbooked our posh hotel.

Actually, I'm fine about going on my own. Relieved in fact. But really sad that we can no longer socialise as a couple without tensions that revolve around alcohol.

AIBU to have even raised this issue with him?

I would lose all respect for my DH if I ever saw him really drunk.
I can't bear people being out of control drunk and just dismissing it as "having a good time".
I won't drink at all when out , there's nothing more of a hideous sight than drunken screeching women, well apart from drunken men behaving stupidly.

yes twopeople it has been known. He's a pretty heavy sleeper anyway, but when he's pissed it's impossible to wake up. Thank god he doesn't do it anymore, it was vile.
Nanga it sounds a similar situation, I used to drink, go out a lot etc, but then I GREW UP. He still finds getting really pissed hilarious and defends himself by reminding me that I used to enjoy a party.
I know what you mean about parents though, I don't blame them as such because they don't drink, but they don't pull him up on it either. I know he's a grown man, but if I behaved like he has done in the past in front of his parents, mine would be mortified.
I don't know what to advise you really, if you go together I suppose you could go with the attitude that he's his own person and you're not responsible for him (difficult I know), or make a point of going by yourself in the hope that he might get the message that you won't tolerate it anymore.

Mal I agree with you, in principle, but unfortunately my husband has had to learn from trial and error and much domestic angst between us to moderate his drinking. He had come a long long way, and now I can trust him to drink sensibly.

I too lose respect for people who let themselves down by getting messy-drunk. I know that sounds judgemental but I can't help it. If you have any self respect why would you drink till you fall over/and or start an argument with someone.

It's as bad whether it is women or men at it. I love my drink as much as the next person but havent been drunk since I was a student and would rather keep it that way.

lequeen - that's why he got away with it for so long probably, because he was big and people wouldn't mess with him. Same with dp. He's got a lot of presence, not massive, but kind of looks confident and tbh mad when he's drunk, so people just leave him to it. I do worry though on the rare occasions he goes out because we're in east london and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, with an attitude could get you knifed. He also can't remember where he's been half the time, which is just scary.

I had to lay down the law with my dh after several incidents (granted spread over a few years) where he would always get plastered at a wedding, on Xmas Eve if we were out, or at his works do. (we are talking many years ago now)

And by plastered I mean walking home 9 miles at night becasue a bouncer wouldn;t let him in a club; knocking over a 6 foot candleabra in a stately home wedding as he was so pissed, and peeing on the floor in an upmarket b&b thinking a stool was the loo.

I told him i would kick him out if he ever did it again. he's horrible when he's drunk too, bolshy and beligerant. perhaps if he was a jovial affectionate drunk it wouldn;t bug me so much.

deleting exactly! We grew up! Having had a couple of drunken escapades and vile hangovers, I know when to stop. I'll have one drink only, before food, drink a few glasses of wine with dinner and then STOP!
I still have a good time and don't feel deprived.

Will they ever learn?

YANBU. it is not unreasonable, he is 40 and has kids, he's not a fecking student.

lula I do sympathise about the wedding thing, as that was me a couple of years ago too - really dreading raising the issue but knew it would be a black cloud over my day if i thought he was going to be caning it as soon as the vows were over.

Luckily his best man was very aware of the situation, and promised me (after I texted him behind DH's back) faithfully that he'd make it his one duty to make sure he stayed relatively sober. Funnily enough, DH was relatively good humoured about being nagged to stay sober by best man ...

Interesting what someone raised about letting him just get on with it. This is a policy I've employed for years, probably as an excuse for not confronting the issue, and applauding myself for my laissez faire attitude. But it was a wake up call when I went to a wedding recently at which there was a very very pissed bloke (luckily not mine for once), and everyone was hissing 'why on earth doesn't his wife take him home!!!!'

when dd (now 3.5) was 6 weeks old it was my birthday and first night out since the birth of dd (our 1st child). I'd expressed LOADS of feeds and dh said he'd do the night shift.

We had a babysitter. went out, he was drinking x2 pints of stella to my 1 small glass of wine. I had about 5 glasses in all, it was supposed to be a night off. I tentatively mentioned he was putting it away rather quickly and got an earful about "needing to get it in while he can". Got home I went to bed. Woken by a drunk and stubling dh at 3 am. he'd been drunkenly trying to feed my poor dd for about 2 hours unsuccessfully due to the state he was in. I had to bf her, a bit drunk myself, to get her to settle.

Afer that she never took a bottle again for another 3 months . So I never went anywhere, although he could!

I actually moved out for a few days due to his irresponsible attitude and surprise surprise he's been remrakably reatrained since then, through another pg and also since ds has been born (5 months)

Idiot.

minx thanks for sharing. what a twatty and totally blokey typical thing to do

jeeeezusss, why don't they ever grow up????

Well some of them do, I know a few ladies whose husbands are able to drink and have a good time without getting legless. Some men are also just able to hold their drink better than others and never lose control despite being very relaxed.

I dont know but I suspect that men who still drink like 17 years olds when they are into their 30's and beyond are lacking in something, self esteem perhaps, or maybe something going back to their upbringing. My husband went to an all male boarding school from age of 12 and had/has something of a distant relationship with his parents..loving yes, but distant. It's a kind of arrested development thing, and that is why it is so hard to take. You want your dh/dp to be a man, not a naughty child who doesnt know when he's had enough, it eats away at respect. Since my husband took his behaviour in hand it has made a big improvement in our relationship, the respect is coming back into it, and that is crucial.

I think you're absolutely right Nikita, despite spending 12 years in the forces my DH has always drank responsibly, there is a huge drinking culture in the military but he couldn't get legless and then go and do bomb disposal in the morning! His dad doesn't drink, at all, so that was probably a factor too.

It's about respect for other people and about self respect. I know a man who has a million pound business that he built up from scratch yet he is banned from every pub in town because he gets into fights when drunk!
His two sons are following in his footsteps unfortunately. It's a major character flaw in some people imho.

That's very interesting LeQueen becuase my dh's mum would have suffered a bit in that way too, and his father was stern, very much the disciplinarian, and a bit "hands off" as a father in that my dh never remembers his father taking them to football practice or other extra curricular stuff.

I think that father/son thing is really important, and that men who are very close to their fathers growing up have more self esteem and are ready to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood and family more readily.

Thats just my theory..of course genetics can play a part too in being overly fond of a drink (or ten) but a lot of the time I think it is down to nurture not nature, and a society that bloody celebrates lad culture!

Malificence I know a couple of people like that too, and they are well into their 50's, hardly likely to grow out of it at this stage.

DH is very close to his dad, even more so since his mum died ( she was the forceful personality in their marriage) - FIL has always been a very strongly family orientated man.
DH's sister takes advantage of their dad's good nature a little too much.

Didn't realise others had this problem! Sympathies to all these posters!

DH likes a drink every night and I feel I have to stay sober all the time as we've got 2 kids and they need to see it's not the norm to drink every night.

When we go anywhere DH has to drink and I have to drive...so annoying. Don't go out with him unless I have to.

Holidays are the worse....he just sees it as a time where he has to drink and drink.

Last time was the worst, I booked just the two of us into a hotel for a romantic night away from the kids. He took some sort of viagra and didn't tell me. Horrible, almost violent, sex lasting ages, which he loved. Got another night booked (booked at same time as the last booking, won't be doing it again) and I'm just dreading it now.

At least he hates flying, so longer holidays are just taken by me and the kids these days.

He doesn't think he's got a problem ofcourse and it's pointless my bringing it up with him as he just calls me a square.

He didn't have a father at home, brought up just by his mum.His mum seems to like a drink and her brother was an alcoholic and one of her aunts fell downstairs drunk and died,so I think that there is something genetic in his family.

SK

Malificence, there you go. Your dh has probably benefited from that close relationship with his dad.

LeQueen that sounds so familiar. My dh took over the running of a family business and has taken it from strength to strength yet his father never ever praises his achievements or tells him he is doing a good job.

It breaks my heart to see how much my dh craves that validation, and like you said, will probably never get it.

SK, you really dont have to put up with a man like that, it's doing untold damage to you and your poor children.

What you've described sounds absolutely horrific.

Cancel the night away, it should be something to look forward to, you shouldn't have to fear being all but raped by your husband.