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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think 7 is old enough to stay with an aunty for the weekend?

87 replies

cuspish · 02/03/2010 10:28

My niece is 7, I have a brilliant realtionship with her. I'd love for her to come and stay for a weekend. My sister thinks she's too young.

Now fair enough, not going to argue with my sister, her daughter so her choice. But how old is old enough?

Btw, few more facts. My niece is a capable comfident 7 year old. The oldest of 3. They live a four hour drive away and we've offered to pick her up and take her home. My sister has never left any of her kids overnight, not even with family.

OP posts:
indie37 · 03/03/2010 10:20

I think she's being perfectly reasonable, you're four hours away for goodness sake. It's not necessary and the fact that you're going to continue 'offering' even though she's said no is really out of order. Respect her wishes. I think the hotel idea is terrible also. Why would you put your 7 yr old in a hotel with auntie, what is the point? If you have such a great relationship, why don't you just go out for the day? Why do you want her one her own? Why aren't you spending time with your sister and her family as a whole?

Minda · 03/03/2010 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glastocat · 03/03/2010 11:38

Wow. My kid has been going to stay with granny for two weeks every summer since he was five. Its the highlight of his year! We miss him like mad, but he has told us in no uncertain terms that he doesn't miss us at all, he's too busy having fun! ALlthough my mum tells me he does, really, but I'm not sure I believe her.

Hulababy · 03/03/2010 13:28

My DD is 7 and I wouldn't want her going away for a week without us just yet. Don't think that makes me precious. The time will coem when she may go away with grandparents for a holiday, but no reason for it to be yet. She is going away for 3 nights with school just after she turns 8y and I am sure she will enjoy it, and she spends a night or two at grandparents every so often if they are babysitting. But a week, for me, is a long time.

An 8 hour round trip is a long way for a child for the weekend - a lot of time spent travelling. And would be 16 hours in the car for OP!

Why not suggest coming and staying closer by in a school holiday and looking after her, taking her out then, instead? And build it up slowly.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 03/03/2010 14:23

I think you have to do your sister the courtesy of accepting that 1) she knows her own child best and 2)her approach to parenting is valid as well even if her view on children staying away from home is different from yours

Just go with what she says, imo and think no more of it.

piscesmoon · 03/03/2010 16:50

She should overcome her feelings for the good of the DD, jellybeans.
I have recently had the case of a girl who was very worried about going on the year 6 residential visit. All the class were going and she badly wanted to go, she most definitely didn't want to spend the week at school working with the year below and then feel left out when the rest came back bubbling over with the great time they had had. I talked to her for about 20 mins and she kept saying 'but I have never, ever had a sleep over'. I told her all about my middle DS who was very wobbly about going away even for one night. In the end she agreed to try. I saw her the week after and she was a different DC, she had been, had a fantastic time and was so pleased with herself. I thought that if only her mother had started earlier, with family, the poor DD wouldn't have had to go through all that anguish. Now she has been once she knows that she can do it again.
This is a very close family member, she has known all her life and has a close bond with-who could be better? Someone is saying what if she ends up in hospital! You can't live your life like that. The mother could be in the car with her in an accident, the DD injured and the mother without a scratch. You wouldn't do anything if you thought like that before you went out!
Motherhood is a gradual letting go and a 7 yr old staying with a much loved aunt is a good start. I stayed with my aunt when my brother was born (I was 6 and had no option-I loved it).
If a weekend is too much, start with going out for the day on their own. I think it is wonderful for DCs to built up relationships with extended family on their own, without parents and other siblings.

jellybeans · 03/03/2010 16:59

I disagree. She knows what is best for her own kids, end of. She may have reasons we don't know about. I wouldn't let mine stay 4 hours away either at 7. Mine went to Brownie camp 1 hours drive away, I worried abit but was fine once they had gone, and also stayed with grandparents (in next town) from 3 years old. All have been, or will be going, on school residential in year 6. I still wouldn't let them stay with many hours away relatives though until alot older (luckily they haven't been asked to as the relatives come visit us all or we to them). It's not affected them in any way, they have all been on sleepovers with friends from about 7-8 yrs (except youngest 3).

I do know a couple of people who have never been anywhere, inc the residential, but at the end of the day it is those parents/that child's choice for whatever reason.

addictedtomn · 03/03/2010 17:02

piecesmoon i wasnt talking about what if she ends up in hospital in general, but what if she ends up in a hospital 4 hours away, that has got a be a worry.

i'm not against sleepovers with family mambers or friends, i did it alot as a child and loved them.

but this aunt lives 4 hours away, i just dont think that the mum is bu to not want her to go

Oblomov · 03/03/2010 17:16

my sil is the same. stupid. precious. now i really like all my sil's, but about this, she is just ridiculous. my ds is desperate for her ds and dd to come and stay, but she won't hear of it. leave her to it.

LeQueen · 03/03/2010 17:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Telesales650 · 03/03/2010 17:21

Depends on the child really, if she is a confident girl and likes adventures she will think its a blast but not if she is a mummies girl!
Come the night time and ready for bed she might be inconsolable

piscesmoon · 03/03/2010 17:36

She put that DD through weeks of anguish jellybeans and all unnecessary if she had started on gradually letting her do a sleepover when younger. I can still hear her saying to me 'and I haven't even done a sleepover'.I had never met the DD before-she was so anxious she was latching onto anyone who seemed sympathetic. I mentioned it to the class teacher, I thought she ought to know but she was already fully aware having had the same conversation. I ended up saying to her 'give it a go, the worst thing that can happen is you can't stand it and your parents have to pick you up-but you don't know unless you try'. I didn't mention it to anyone other than the class teacher but as the DD had talked to just about everyone, someone else brought up and someone straight away said 'of course Mrs XXX always keeps those girls tied to her apron strings' which just about summed it up for me, although I didn't say so. The DD was fine when she went-her mother caused the whole problem by being over protective.
I had 2 DCs who went everywhere without problems and one who didn't like being away. I didn't fuss, he just went, if he didn't want to stay I picked him up without making him feel a failure. Eventually he was fine. I would never have said he can't do it because he won't end up staying.
On reflection, 4 hrs away is a bit far for the first try-but time on her own with an aunt could be arranged. If you have more than one DC I think it is nice to treat them as individuals and not always have to do everything together.

weegiemum · 03/03/2010 17:49

My kids have been staying overnight with grandparents/friends/aunties etc since they were about 2-3, younger with GPs.

When they were 2, 4, 6 we left them with my parents (Dad and Stepmum) to go to Paris. We left dd1 with my mother when she was 22 months to go to Barcelona. We left them all with MIL to go to Barcelona again, and again with MIL while me and dh went for a week to visit friends in Caracas.

They are 6, 8, 10 now, and the highlight of the summer hols is a week at Gran and Grandpa's house (my parents) and a week at Grannie's house (MIL).

Maybe I am a lax, uncaring mother? Dunno. The time apart makes them more independent and encourages other relationships. I just don't get the "worried sick" at being 4 hours away, or the never letting them stay over anywhere. I love my kids passionately, but that is partly why I let them go - because they need to have other significant adults in their lives, apart from me and dh.

My brother has just asked if next year I could put ds (who will be 9) on a plane (as an unaccompanied child) and he will meet him (I'm in Scotland, DB is in Wales) and have him to stay for a few days. My only concern is that the girls will feel left out!!!

Bonsoir · 03/03/2010 17:52

More than old enough. I would be positively worried about a 7 year old girl who was unable to spend a weekend with a well-loved and well-known aunt.

Bonsoir · 03/03/2010 17:53

At my DD's school there is a whole year school trip that lasts 12 nights when the children are 7/turning 8.

piscesmoon · 03/03/2010 18:00

I just wouldn't put my DC through that anguish. My DS who had trouble going away had no difficulty with grandparents. All DSs stayed with grandparents from under 2 years-it is so lovely for both sides. I think it very mean never to allow grandparents time on their own without you. If you can't trust your own parents and DH's parents-who can you trust?! Also, if they never go away and you suddenly get rushed to hospital it is very traumatic for them if they have never had a night away from you.

Undercovamutha · 03/03/2010 18:01

I think the average 7 year old is more than old enough - but I guess some children may be less ready than others. My DD went to stay with my parents for the first time when she was just 3 - she stayed 2 nights and enjoyed it but started wanting me and DH at the end of the 2nd day. It was a great experience for her IMO and she has asked to do it again recently. My parents loved it. Me and DH didn't know what to do with ourselves!!!

seeker · 03/03/2010 18:06

Bonsior - you would have been beside yourself with worry if you had had to deal with my dd! 12, she was, before she could stay away from home without huge wobbling!

CaptianPicardsPineapple · 03/03/2010 18:08

My DD is 7, she has been having sleepovers for a couple of years now and regularly, each holiday longer than week, staying with her Grandparents. I just, this evening, arranged for her to spend almost all of the upcoming Easter hols with them. BUT this is all with me and her being completely happy and comfortable with it. Until your sis is then you'll have to wait.

paisleyleaf · 03/03/2010 18:12

Nothing about you OP.... but it depends on the aunt too.
I'm not sure I'd let my DD stay at my sister's at 7.

cat64 · 03/03/2010 18:33

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ProfYaffle · 03/03/2010 18:34

Just wanted to add another voice saying the distance is a major factor. My parents wanted my dc (6 and 3) to go and stay with them over the summer and they're also a 4hr drive away. I've said no as it's too far but as a compromise dh and I are taking them up there then going to a nearby Hotel by ourselves for a few nights. It ain't easy being this reasonable

piscesmoon · 03/03/2010 19:02

Sounds a good compromise ProfYaffle and hopefully everyone has a good time. I agree that the 4 hrs away is a difficulty-I wouldn't have wanted to fetch DS2 from that distance which would have been a likely outcome. He was about 13 before he could go away without it being a worry. I think you need a happy medium-I wouldn't force him but neither would I assume he couldn't.

loobylu3 · 03/03/2010 20:00

I think 7 years old would normally be old enough to enjoy a sleep over with a close relative.
I have a 7 year old who would jump at the chance to stay with her aunties in London! I certainly wouldn't 'worry myself sick' because she would be in the care of a loving relative.
It's a shame your sister feels this way but obviously she knows her child best! Maybe you could ask again in another year.

Oblomov · 03/03/2010 20:14

agree with leQueen and others:
"worry me sick"
have you actually thought about how over anxious this is. do you also prevent your children from growing/showing any independance etc etc. I find it totally scarey that some mothers are incapable of what can only be described as proper parenting. allowing you child, and encouraging your child to have the confidence to do something. what else do you prevent your child from doing ?
4 hrs is a long distance admittedly. but you don't trust your sister ? to parent/care for your child properly ? what does that say about your trust. does no one look after your child as well as you do ?

i never realised that there were so many people who were anxious, lacking in trust, and self-important to think that no one could do it as well as them.
frightening.