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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a miserable cow or actually quite reasonable?

52 replies

Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:35

So I was in DD's classroom this am putting her bookbag and lunchbox away and wondering where her teacher was so I could ask a (dumb) question about WBD when another mother who I have exchanged exactly 1 sentence with since Sept, asked if DD would like to come for tea one day.

I was quite suprised so said (and I quote exactly) 'Oh gosh, I've no idea, I'll have to ask her'. Other Mother seemed very put out and muttered something along the lines of 'Oh well, if she ever does...' as she turned away.

Now, firstly was my reaction unreasonable, because that was the impression I got from Other Mother?

And secondly, am I unreasonable to be a bit suprised at the invitation, bearing in mind that I don't even know who Other Mother's DD is and am pretty sure that my DD has never even had a conversation her (OM, that is)?

I have been left feeling a bit curmudgeonly about the whole thing, though I'm not sure why. (I'm not a joiner-inner and I'm not really interested in socialising with the other parents tbh). So other opinions on this would be welcome.

OP posts:
MiffyWhinge · 01/03/2010 09:37

I suppose it might have been better, with hindsight, to say 'how lovely of you to ask' or somehow express pleasure as well as surprise, perhaps take her telephone number or something so you could get back to her once you've checked with your daughter

Drusilla · 01/03/2010 09:37

I do think you are being bit of a iserable cow actually! Someone likes your DD enough to want to have her for tea - where's the problem in that?! Presumably if she is at school she is old enough to go on her own, so you won't have to do socialising as well

not4anotherday · 01/03/2010 09:37

Sorry but I would be put out at your answer too! I would have expected you to say, oh Thank you that would be lovley.

thehillsarealive · 01/03/2010 09:38

what year is your DD in? maybe a tiny bit U - more the tone of what you said rather than the actual words would have annoyed the OM.

It is hard sometimes when someone catches you on the hop.

Usually in a situation like that i would say "I am sure she would, will get back to you with dates once I have checked the diary" That way you can ask your daughter and gauge how she feels about the other child.

Original poster
Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:39

Ah, curmudgeon then. Oh well. Guess it will just enhance my 'Difficult Mother' reputation.

OP posts:
4andnotout · 01/03/2010 09:39

I would have thought your reply was quite offish too

ppeatfruit · 01/03/2010 09:40

YANBU. Of course you should ask yr, DD if any thing it sounds as if the other mum was BU.

fernie3 · 01/03/2010 09:40

well I have had my daughters friend over for and the first time I have really talked to the other mothers is to invite them!. I would think she was probably a bit embarrassed that you didnt react positively, perhaps she is trying to help her daughter make friends.
Having said that YANBU as you clearly didnt mean to make her feel that way!

dinkystinky · 01/03/2010 09:42

No, but you sound like you were wrongfooted and abit flustered. I'd say something like that's really kind of you - I'll speak to DD about it and get something in the diary and lets chat about it again soon. Perhaps you can be extra friendly to her next time you see her and explain your mind was on other matters when she spoke to you?

EcoMouse · 01/03/2010 09:42

"I was quite suprised so said (and I quote exactly) 'Oh gosh, I've no idea, I'll have to ask her'. Other Mother seemed very put out and muttered something along the lines of 'Oh well, if she ever does...' as she turned away."

Were you smiling or did you look aghast?

It's not unusual to have had little communication with other mums/dads prior to 'playdates'.

I'm not a joiner-inner either but try not to let it cause detriment to my childrens socialising. They're far more friendly than me .

PrettyCandles · 01/03/2010 09:42

I think a thank you before the I'lll have to ask would have been far nicer. Your response does make you sound a little hoity-toity.

Even if you#re not interested in bein friends, she doesn't know that and she could have been making friendly overtures via your dd.

Her dd could have asked for the playdate.

Her dd could be lost and miserable, but her mum had noticed your dd being friendly, and was hopeing to help her dd out.

Just because your dd hasn't mentioned hers, or ecause you don't know her, doesn't mean that there is anythin strange about the playdate invitation.

So, on the whole, yes, I think YABU.

Jackstini · 01/03/2010 09:43

Understand the surprise as you have only spoken once before but you are going to get more invitations like this as dd makes more friends. Even if you don't want to socialise - your dd might do!

With hindsight you could have asked who her dd was, maybe could have said, thanks for the invite, or 'how kind of you to ask'

The other Mum might have been a bit nervous about asking which may explain her reaction.

I would ask dd if she wants to go then approach the other Mum at hometime saying - sorry, was in a rush this morning and got my mind elsewhere, dd would love to come to tea thanks.

itsmeitsmeolord · 01/03/2010 09:43

I wouldn't say you were being curmudgeonly.

You haven't got a clue who her child is or if your dd plays with her/gets on with her etc.
I don't think you are obligated to accept every invitation for tea, I would have thought it pretty normal to want to know where your dd is actually going first....

YANBU. Although perhaps the other mother is socially awkward and was making a clumsy attempt to make friends?

I would have been taken by surprise if someone had approached me out of the blue when my mind was completely elesewhere as well.

GypsyMoth · 01/03/2010 09:45

to be honest your reply would be what i was thinking in my head.....not sure if i'd come out with it the way you did though

actually,i dont think yabu if thats standard for you!! (you say you have reputation as a difficult mother)

ProfYaffle · 01/03/2010 09:45

I'd be a bit shocked at that response too tbh. It can be quite hard to approach Mums I don't know if dd's requested someone over for tea and your response sounds very much like a rebuff. I can understand how easy it can be caught on the hop and say the wrong thing though.

In your shoes I'd say similar to Hillarealive's post.

Original poster
Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:46

DD is 4, nearly 5. I am pretty sure that she will be horrified by the idea of going to a strangers house for any reason whatsoever. She has been invited to a couple of birthday parties since starting school and has refused (despite encouragement) to go to either. She is naturally very reserved and I won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Hence the 'I will ask her' rather than 'That would be lovely'.

OP posts:
not4anotherday · 01/03/2010 09:49

I can understand your response a bit more now! Why don't you explain this to the other mum and invite her DD to your house?

Prinpo · 01/03/2010 09:49

Think you probably get the message from the above posts. I'd agree that there's ample time to pull this one back from the brink. A friendly "Thanks so much for the invitation, my mind was elsewhere this morning" should get the ball rolling.

Tortington · 01/03/2010 09:50

proyaffles post is intresting. I really do think that the op needs to consider how much it probably took for the other mother to ask.

Op - you aren't the only weirdo in the town - lots of people find it hard to socialise ( me included) but it sounds rather as though you are using it as an excuse for your behaviour.

I wasn't a joiner inner either - i couldn't bear small talk or kid one up manship with mums who have geoff all better to do at the school gate than comment on someone elses choice of shoes.

that said - if dd was invited anywhere i would have responded in pleasant tones with lots of active listening bpody language ( nodding and so forth) smiling thoughout.

i think your approach is insular based on the fact that your a loner and thats fine.

well it is - but its kinda like making a profession out of being a weirdy person and calling it ok.

from one weirdy person to another!

Original poster
Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:51

DD hasn't ever expressed an interest in socialising with any of her class mates outside school. When asked who she would like to invite to her birthday party she mentioned a couple of the older girls that she plays with and that was it. She does have lots of friends from outside school though so her 'social life' if pretty active already.

OP posts:
gtamom · 01/03/2010 09:53

Well,I would not think you were a "miserable cow, lol"(It is not like you said "Highly doubt that I am sending my dd to a house where I don't know the family" That would be a miserable cow-ish thing to say. But maybe you could try and be more gracious and polite next time.

Next time you see her, approach her with an apologetic smile, saying you are glad to see her, as you had a horrible migraine that day and couldn't think straight, or something along that line.

not4anotherday · 01/03/2010 09:54

Would'nt it be nice for DD to have friend from school round for tea? I don't get it. Sorry.

Original poster
Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:57

Custardo - weirdy definitely, but I actually have a pretty active social life too so not sure if I'm a loner. I'm just not interested in the whole school gates thing, it bores me rigid.

That said, I hadn't considered the fact that it might have sounded rude. I'm not terribly tactful, especially when in a hurry. The Other Mother is a definite joiner-inner and I think DD is probably just on her list of children to invite for tea iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Callisto · 01/03/2010 09:59

But if DD wants to invite friends round she can, there is no ban on it. But it is up to her to tell me she wants to when I ask. I'm not going to invite children round just because it is a social norm for others. (And we do have children over for tea regularly, just not children from her school).

OP posts:
MaMight · 01/03/2010 10:04

'Oh gosh, I've no idea, I'll have to ask her'

I have been saying this out loud and I can't seem to make it sound anything but offish.