Am I a miserable cow or actually quite reasonable?

[Callisto]

So I was in DD's classroom this am putting her bookbag and lunchbox away and wondering where her teacher was so I could ask a (dumb) question about WBD when another mother who I have exchanged exactly 1 sentence with since Sept, asked if DD would like to come for tea one day.

I was quite suprised so said (and I quote exactly) 'Oh gosh, I've no idea, I'll have to ask her'. Other Mother seemed very put out and muttered something along the lines of 'Oh well, if she ever does...' as she turned away.

Now, firstly was my reaction unreasonable, because that was the impression I got from Other Mother?

And secondly, am I unreasonable to be a bit suprised at the invitation, bearing in mind that I don't even know who Other Mother's DD is and am pretty sure that my DD has never even had a conversation her (OM, that is)?

I have been left feeling a bit curmudgeonly about the whole thing, though I'm not sure why. (I'm not a joiner-inner and I'm not really interested in socialising with the other parents tbh). So other opinions on this would be welcome.

I must admit I am one of those mums who invites other children around a fair bit because my DC want to have other school friends around and enjoy it. TBH it is a PITA for me.

"I'm just not interested in the whole school gates thing, it bores me rigid."

This makes you sound v.off! There are interesting and dull people at the school gates just as in real life - its just a question of finding your sort iyswim

Callisto I think Custy's post is good.

Your DD will be at school with these children for six years and you may as well bite the bullet now.

Halfway thru reception is a good time to have a friend round - or go to a friend's house.

I would definitely actively encourage yr DD to get more friendly with other children in her class and her year. It's a shame she doesn't want to go to the parties - but maybe a one-to-one might be helpful.

If she has been a loner in terms of her class (as your posts make it sound - sorry if that's wrong) then how nice of the other mum to ask her round! I would make a move at pick-up time as suggested by others on here. encouraging

LOL yes I think you may have seemed a bit of a miserable cow- only because it might have taken quite alot for the other mum to ask. Or she may have just been trying to be friendly also your dd may tell you she's not interested in going to others' houses but what she says whilst she's at school may be different entirely.

(Like my ds telling everyone that if he doesn't behave at home I chop his fingers off and put the soggy bits up his nose- I got that off Mn by the way)

She'll probably be on here in a minute with a AIBU thread about rude mum at school gates shocka

Yes, I wouldn't assume the other mother actually wants your daughter there! I mean possibly she does and she thinks she'd like to get to know you too, but equally likely she's just trying to encourage her daughter's friendships and it's a bit of a social chore for her to approach someone who's a bit standoffish at the school gates. Your reply to her does seem like a bit of a snub.

The 'whole school gates thing' as you call it is just people talking to each other and sometimes making new friendships. If you're saying you basically aren't interested in talking to other people at all, then fair enough, but don't impose it on your daughter. She might want to be sociable at school too and she'll need you to grease the wheels a bit for her, maybe put yourself out occasionally, for instance just enough to work out which other parents you're happy to have taking her home to tea occasionally.

You do seem to be talking a lot about the amounts of socialising you want when really that's pretty irrelevant, most parents have to grit their teeth and be more or less social than they'd like for a while when their children are starting to make friends at school.

I think you were obviously caught off guard, and your reply does sound rather offish and a bit of a snub.

If your daughter is a bit reluctant to go to others houses at the moment, I would explain this to the mum. As in, 'thank you thats a lovely offer, but I'll check with DD because she's a bit shy about going to other peoples houses'. If someone said that to me I'd invite them along too, or suggest a play in the park or something.

op who cares if you're 'off'? you're not interested in the school gates small talk and your dd doesn't want to go to strangers houses! fair enough, you are there to pick up your child not make friends, i don't get why people think that you are obliged to make new friends because your kids go to school, i'm just like you, my dd has a big social life outside of school so there's no need for her to be going to have tea with friends from nursery (my dd still in nursery)

if the mother aproaches you again just explain that dd is a bit shy and wouldn't be happy going for tea

GITK The only problem there is there may well be a time when OP's DD wants to have friends from school over for tea but OP has shot herself the foot (so to speak)

I have only been snubbed once by another mum (in regards to having her child over for tea), when my DD1 was in reception. She said that she did not let her Dc go for tea until they were 8 and she knew the parents (which i suppose is fair enough) However i won't be asking again.

4-5 is young to go on her own if she's not up to it, so declining (nicely, not aghastly!) is fine, but 6 or 7 won't be too old so the issue won't go away. Any time is good to start trying to get to know some parents a little bit and who knows by year 2 your dd could be in a good routine of going to one or two people's houses without you and her social life could need almost no further intervention from you. (The cost to you later will only be occasionally having those children back to yours - you don't have to go on to be best mates with all their parents.)

Liaising with other children's parents is just something that has to be done, so I'd be pragmatic and just get it over with. You're not really going to be able to avoid speaking tothem forever, unless you're planning to impose your ideal social life on your dd just so that your school-gate experience is nicer!

I think it is fair enough that you want to ask your daughter whether she wishes to have tea with this little girl.

I do think your words were poorly chosen. Not very diplomatic at all.

You don't have to socialise with the parents of your dd's friends, it's not obligatory. You just have to facilitate the friendship's she wishes to cultivate.

not4 i see your point about keeping things friendly and open so that when dd is older and can go that she is not excluded.

tbh i would have probably said something like what that mother said to you which you said was fair enough but you wouldn't ask again (also fair enough) but if in the future when the dc are 8 and she wants to join in the 'going for tea' thing will you still let that put you off?

GITK I would expect her to ask me unless my DD1 (who is now 8) really wanted that child round.

I'd say it was probably the way you said it, coupled with your reputation (if you have one). I imagine it sounded a little like " Tea? With you? Oh christ no!".....

-' Oh gosh I'm not sure, I'll have to ask her' -

Of course you'd have to ask her, wouldn't it be weird to happily throw your child at anyone who asked you to?
Why would anyone be put out by that reply? I don't understand. I'd pretend not to notice her being offish. She could, after all, have replied, 'That's fine, let me know."

Also, you don't have to be buddies at the school gates. Just be warm and polite - aquaintanceship is acceptable unless you want to be an active part of the school's volunteer pool, (in which case people might want to know you better).

oh ok, so it wouldn't blacken her name forever then? my dd is totally outgoing and friendly and would go anywhere so by the time shes about 8 i can see her having a very active social life and wouldn't want any thing i say to compromise that. i am going to start being more friendly for her 'older selfs' sake

i don't have to start being nice until sep though as shes still in nursery

thankyou for the insight not4

YAMC(miserable cow!)

I dont really like socialising with school mums, but i do it because i want my DD to have lots of friends. It makes a huge difference - i would be delighted to get an invite for tea for DD and would assume that their DD would have been talking about mine to their parents - i would be pleased.

I hope you get over this because i made the mistake with DD1, head down,drop her off, talk to no one, then wondered why she got no invites to parties etc - because nobody knew us it had a real negative impact on DD1s school.

Next time you see the mum, smile, make eye contact, apologise and tell her she had caught you on the hop and that yes, your DD would love to come to tea

I can understand you not wanting to socialise with the other mums, each to her own but I do think you could have handled it better.
I assume from what you've said that your DD will say she doesn't want to go to the other girl's house and you when you decline the invitation the OM is going to be hurt for her daughter as the implication is that your DD doesn't like her iyswim.
Unless you then engage in further conversation about how your DD is shy etc the OM, who you have said is a joiner inner, will tell all her friends about how unfriendly you and your DD are and a reputation will be formed.
Too late now but I think the best response if you're not sure is always some kind of holding reply so you can plan a inoffensive answer if your DD doesn't want to go so there are no hurt feelings.

LucyEllen the same thing happened to my sister, she had no time for mixing with the other mums and then wondered why her dd didn't get invites to getogethers/parties etc in fact it took her a while to twig as she assumed my niece wouldn't be too bothered as they did quite alot away from the school etc. I think my sister found it odd that her dd didn't have any close friends.

Having said that we've only had a couple of people round for tea since ds started school and he's been there for ages (he doesn't have anyone close to him and he is very hard work :-) )

It' s not like Callisto sneered when she said it and then put her hand on her nose and she walked off is it?

I promise, not sneering at all - just suprised and caught off guard.

DD's social life is her ideal not mine. She is very forthright about who she wants to spend time with and who she doesn't. I hate the 'shy' lable and I don't want other mothers at school saying 'Oh, Callistette doesn't go to parties/tea because she is shy'. I also don't want to lie or make excuses for my reply to Other Mother.

I must admit, I'm quite suprised at how very rude most of you think my reply was (and thank you everyone who has said I wasn't being unreasonable). I struggle with all of the bullshit that greases the social wheels I'm afraid. I'm not very good at it and tend to just speak as I see/feel.

I'm also a little dubious about sending DD off to tea with someone who I know absolutely nothing about. Just because our daughters are in the same class I should immediately trust this woman with my DD? I'm just not comfortable with that.

Still, it's very interesting to see what you all think and I shal temper my shocked 'Good God, tea with you?' reply next time to something a little more tactful. I might even thank Other Mother next time I see her...

If you were to accompany your DD to this woman's house then im sure she will feel fine about going - give her a chance. You say she is happy not being invited places, i bet she would be happier if she was - and to be blunt, socialising is a vital aspect of her development. You never know, YOU might even like her - i wouldnt leave my DD with someone i didnt knw either, but recently left DD on her first play date as she seemed happier when i wasnt there - have got to know the parents and trust them. Sometimes we have to do things we dont like, for our children.

OP, when your dd has her out of school social life, presumably you do things to help it - take her places, or have people over, phone people and so on. You have to smile and them and talk to them and be polite to them and presumably you don't look aghast if someone you already know from your street or existing friendship group or family say to you something like "what about Wednesday?" or otherwise suggests some way of getting together? Presumably unless all your socialising is with family there must have been a time when these people were new to you too?

I just can't quite work out why what you must do elsewhere to grease social wheels becomes 'bullshit' when done at school, unless you've got a really low opinion of all the other parents at your dd's school.

I do agree with you about your dd being young to go with a parent you don't know and I would probably say no, but I don't think the other parent asking is wrong or that it's something you can just ignore and not take part in at all without it having a negative effect on your dd, really.

She's right at the beginning of her years at school and I think you might be surprised at how things change over the next few years. However great her out of school social life is, having even one or two school friends that she sees after school will probably be a good thing for her and make her feel happier and more confident at school.

Encouraging any blossoming friendships with after school playdates and so on will take you out of your comfort zone a bit but it could really be worthwhile for her, even if it doesn't seem like something she's missing out on much right now.

You can always tie her shyness to her age so it comes across less of a permanent character trait as to do with her being four.

I'd apologise for being caught on the hop, say that at four you feel she's still a bit young to go by herself, but (IF your dd has said she's keen) how would your dd's friend like to come to your house for tea, with her mother. I know, I know, it sounds like hell . But given you can't invite yourself to their house without coming across as a bit pushy, it's probably the only way to nurture rather than reject the friendship overture, without having to send your dd off alone.

If they go for it, there you are, investing a little in a potential friendship for your dd, and it gives you a chance to check out the mum so that's one parent ticked off your list for next year or the year after when the issue of going alone will come up again and it won't be so easy to use age as a reason not to let her go.

You could have been more polite@ the OP.

Taht's exactly the kind of thing that I'd say, and then get the same response, and be left thinking 'hang on, I was just honest'...