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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to accept a new job when I have just found out I'm pregnant..?

87 replies

crumpetsolo · 25/02/2010 17:41

What bad timing! I've been looking for a job for ages, and we decided to try for DC2 at the same time, now a job has come along in the same week as my BFP. I'm only about 12 DPO so early early days, and I'd be about 1 month when I start work.

I know it's not ideal, but much as I would like to be able to plan things so that they fit together it never usually works out like that, and what if I turned down the job and the pregnancy didn't proceed, then I'm back to square one. I appreciate it's not going to make me popular with my new employer, but I probably won't tell them until I'm at least 12 weeks anyway (I worry about not being given opportunities if they know from the outset I'm pregnant) - is it wholly unreasonable to a) accept a job in the knowledge that I'll only be able to stay for 8 months and b) not tell them I'm pregnant straight away?

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 25/02/2010 19:39

Goblinchild - how long must a woman not get pregnant after taking a job for you not to find it reprehensible?

I think it's sad that someone even feels the need to ask whether she was being unreasonable.

pumperspumpkin · 25/02/2010 19:40

You won't get statutory maternity pay - basically you need to not be pregnant when you start work to be entitled to it. However depending on what you've been doing before you may be entitled to maternity allowance (which is the more or less same, except you won't get the 6 weeks at 90%, it's all at the standard rate). You are however entitled to the full year off if you want it, and have all the usual rights about returning and so on.

As for whether you're being unreasonable - I returned to my job after DD pregnant with DS and found that embarrassing enough, but no I don't think YABU provided you can cope with feeling a bit awkward.

Goblinchild · 25/02/2010 19:44

Not sure, many parents have a tantrum if a teacher quits during the academic year. I don't have a problem with people becoming pregnant and leaving, just to go for a new job without disclosing that you will only be available for a certain length of time.
We had an applicant withdraw from a post two weeks before the job started because she got a better offer. I thought that was dishonest too, and parents were very hissy and scandalised.
I've never been second on shortlist, but I just think it's unfair. This is AIBU, and I said what I thought.

omaoma · 25/02/2010 19:45

i totally vote for taking the job. 'planning' children is a load of nonsense - you can never really know when it will happen. Goblinchild - the pregnancy could just as easily not go to term as she be ill with it, and why should she be so magnanimous to her employer? luminous is right, they would happily think only of themselves if it were the other way round (and how often they do!). if you do the job well and organise things as clearly as you can with them once they know you're pregnant, you're holding up your end of the bargain. staying 6 months in a job is hardly unusual nowadays either, and if you're planning to go back, all the better.

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 19:46

i was a bit sheepish first time, but now i realise

  1. i am going to be stuck in this job a very long time without advancement
  2. i am very good at it
  3. once i have finished being pregnant, it is likely i will still be there for another 10 years....which will save them a whole bunch of money recruiting and training new people given the high turn around in my department.

i am on my 3rd pregnancy, and have been in my job since sept2006 - i feel no shame for this after all, i was at work for different companies for the 13 years before that - just not the same one. Like most people, changing jobs often means you are very unlikely to have been in one long when you get pg.

MrsC2010 · 25/02/2010 19:50

You could quite easily not know this early on, so I wouldn't feel too bad.

MrsC2010 · 25/02/2010 19:57

As an aside, I'm a trainee teacher (working as an unqualified at the mo) due to be assessed in July...and I'm due 1st August. My trainer isn't pleased (hasn't replied to any of my messages telling him I'm PG etc, asking for next steps etc) as it will affect his stats for the number employed next year! Despite the fact that it won't affect my training!

Northernlurker · 25/02/2010 20:02

I am totally outraged by this thread. Not by the op but by those of you who think she is behaving in a less than honourable manner.

Pregnancy and maternity leave are everyday parts of life. Not something we need to feel embarassed about, not something we have to 'confess' to needing. If the norm was for us all to accept pregnancy and maternity leave as part of a usual career path for a woman life would be a hell of a lot easier for all of us.

Women work and women get pregnant - the two are not mutually exclusive states. Twice in my life I have been disadvantaged at work because of pregnancy. Were I doing it again I wouldn't say a word till 25 weeks.

Goblinchild - you said 'many parents have a tantrum if a teacher quits during the academic year' - I wish I could give a piece of my mind to said parents! My kids have had 4 teachers go on maternity leave and one on leave following an adoption. The head has planned very carefully and recruited excellent cover and I don't think my kids have suffered at all. I rejoice with those teachers that they have baby joy coming their way - especially the adoption of course
There is no moral wrong here at all. Op - all the best to you, enjoy your job and your baby.

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 20:05

incidentally, i'd say its worth informing them

  1. after any probationary period has passed
  2. as soon as possible so you get paid time off for appointments....

balance the two considerations above!

Original poster
crumpetsolo · 25/02/2010 20:05

Thank you lurky

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 25/02/2010 20:05

I wouldn't do it. Taking a promotion is one thing, but taking a job when you know you'll have to leave in a few months would be really annoying for your boss I imagine. Also it will make things awkward for you in the office, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that people were annoyed having to train me only for me to go on leave after a few months and then have to train someone else!

DarrellRivers · 25/02/2010 20:07

I'm pleased to return to the thread and see that the majority of posters have been sensible with their advice and looked at the larger picture
Was half expecting op to have been (unfairly) torn to pieces and thrown to the wolves
Don't feel guilty, you got the job crumpet, take it

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 20:09

again, 8 months is actually a reasonably long period to stay in a job - and you never know what is going to happen she could say no to this job and miscarry next week (hopefully not!)

but these things happen.

if her employer found in 6 months time they ddn't need this post, they'd fire her without a second thought - (sad but true, and i have known employers doing this after shorter periods of time) - they would be within their rights though - why should she give them any more consideration than is due?

JollyBear · 25/02/2010 20:11

I did this!

I accepted a new job on the Thursday, BFP on the Friday. Things got from bad to worse as I had hyperemesis and had to tell my new boss and was pregnant and delay my start date . It all worked out well though and I went back when DD was 10 months.

I would have no hesitation in taking the job at all. Good luck with your new job and your pregnancy!

wastwinsetandpearls · 25/02/2010 20:12

I think it depends on the job, if I had a normal job in a large corporation in the private sector I would maybe take a new job knowing I was pregnant.

As a teacher I would not do it.

omaoma · 25/02/2010 20:12

StrictlyKatty - aren't you kind. The vast majority of people who work, have or will go on to have, families. Pretending that a woman who happens to be pregnant at any particular moment, and also wants/needs to work, is somehow an annoying exception who is beyond the pale and should take whatever crumbs of employment they can find, is the ultimate shortsightedness. grrrrrrrrr with northernlurker on this one. once you've been through a shitty redundancy-during-maternity-leave deal you think a lot clearer about employers' 'rights'.

nicefleece · 25/02/2010 20:13

I did a +ve test on the day of the 2nd interview. I accepted the job and told them as soon as I had the offer in writing, so they knew from when I was 5 weeks.

Bless the Deputy MD, she just said - it's fine, that's life - and anyway, you're on probabtion.

It worked out fine, I worked hard, they got their money's worth, even though I did not go back to work.

DarrellRivers · 25/02/2010 20:14

Yes, so many companies are so thoughtful about you when they need to start making cuts etc

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 20:14

too right. i was pregnant on a temp-to-perm contract, took a week off to have an abortion due to abnormalities, and found i returned to have my contact ended. that kind of thing throws it into very sharp relief.

Original poster
crumpetsolo · 25/02/2010 20:15

I don't feel thrown to the wolves (well, at least not ravenous ones) - I guess I was expecting some people to think it was a bit cheeky. But from my point of view - I need a job, I'm good at my job, I will do it well for eight months and in all likelihood return after maternity leave. I'm not lying to them, and I'm under no obligation to say anything about pregnancy at this stage. And what's the alternative - don't take it, risk a huge 2 year CV gap and the possibility that I might miscarry and have neither baby nor job. That would be beyond rubbish.

OP posts:
nicefleece · 25/02/2010 20:15

Small firm, understanding DMD

DarrellRivers · 25/02/2010 20:15

EAP, pretty crap all round

DarrellRivers · 25/02/2010 20:16

Exactly crumpet, it is no alternative, simply kiss good bye to getting back on
So so so difficult to get back on any kind of ladder if you have a large gap

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 20:17

teachers get pregnant. my sister has been ttc for five years - she has done various teaching jobs in this time.

there is no point at which she'd have been in a job longer thn one year - but c'est la vie - a good school should no have difficulty finding good cover. sadly she did not conceive...

let us consider this from another angle:

if you were a man who suffered occasional bouts of illness, would you be wrong to take a job, knowing you might have another bout and ned time off? Of course not, to do otherwise would stifle any kind of career and consign you t the ranks of the permanently non-working (ANOTHER GROUP PEOPLE GET SNIFFY ABOUT)!

EggyAllenPoe · 25/02/2010 20:23

And you realise how sexist it is that people get snotty about this....

when i went on my first mat leave - 4 of the ten people i was recruited with had already left permanently.

when on my second - it was five out of ten, and another 2 had gone to other depts (so had replacements trained etc.)

are we prejudiced against men because they might move jobs to advance their careers?