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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to hurt these girls as much as they have hurt dd1?

81 replies

misdee · 25/02/2010 10:18

i am being unreasonable.

dd1 has been being bullied. i suspected she had, but finally she poured it all out last night, and has written it down.

there is a gang of girls in her year who are maninly repsonible ofr this going on.

dd1 is an easy target as she is little, dh was ill (oh yes, they stoop so low to take the micky out of a man whose body is ravaged with scars), take the mick out of dd2 who is quirky, etc, and because i dont let her watch eastenders or the bill.

i spotted the girls this morning, and it took all my control to tame the tigress in me. i want to protect my kids from all this, and inside i'm growling like mad.

how dare they upset a little girl who has had enough stress in her life. how bloody dare they.

i have told dd1 to walk away, make new friends, and just stay away from them. it takes a strong person to do that.

making an appointment to speak to her class teacher this week or next.

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 25/02/2010 10:25

No, you are not being unreasonable. There is a bit of the tigress in all of us when it comes to our kids and it sounds like your DD is a great kid who has been through a lot. Venting here is a good way to let off steam without risking being done for gbh

Now, as you know, you have to bury those thoughts to deal with the situation rationally like you are doing by trying to give her coping strategies and making an appointment to see her teacher. Good luck.

Alambil · 25/02/2010 10:27

oh poor dd1

how old is she?

when you see the teacher, ask her to bring the anti bullying policy with her and devise a plan to support dd1. (you may be able to download the policy if the school has a good website)

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 25/02/2010 10:27

Your poor DD

I know how you feel- ds1 is bulled alot. He talks to me about it though, and I've spoken to the school who take it very seriously. Doesn't stop me wanting to go and scream at the children that are doing it. (I haven't and wouldn't obviously!)

You're doing the right thing in what you're telling her, and by going to the school. And it will help her alot to know she can talk to you and has your support.

Hopw it gets better for her.

Original poster

misdee · 25/02/2010 10:28

she is 10 soon.

cant wait till she leaves for secondry school and gets away from these girls.

OP posts:

ben5 · 25/02/2010 10:28

Good luck to you and your dd. she has been very brave to talk about the bullies. you must be very proud of her to start taking a stand against these girls

kinnies · 25/02/2010 10:29

God that must be so hard

Hope it goes well at the school.

Original poster

misdee · 25/02/2010 10:32

and the cheeky girls have the gall toknock for dd1 to play out when they decide they want to be friends with her.

one grabbed her face last week, and hissed 'nobody likes you' at her

OP posts:

Bucharest · 25/02/2010 10:32

YANBU at all.
Hope the school sorts it soonest.

GetOrfMoiLand · 25/02/2010 10:35

Oh poor you and poor dd. I know exactly how you feel and it is horrific. DD was badly bullied last year and it got to the point that she would cry in the car all the way to school. The effect on her whole life (and ours) was truly awful.

I had daydreams where I would go round the houses of the bullies and yell and yell at them.

Only advice I can give is to go straight to the school and be a thorn in their side until it is sorted out. Try and get an appointment to see someone this week.

Poor girl

Rhubarb · 25/02/2010 10:35

misdee have you spoken to the teacher? At dd's school there is bullying, as there is in every school. But the teacher there sees the girls responsible individually. He then asks them what they think they might be in trouble for. He then asks them to think about what might upset them - it might be their cat dying or someone saying something horrible about their mum. He then asks them to imagine that thing being said to them over and over again in school - he asks them how that would make them feel. By this point they are usually in tears. Then he asks them what they think they can do to take that hurt away from the person they've bullied.

He does it in such a way that for the children it suddenly clicks as to how much upset they've caused. Speaking to them individually helps too because they can't gain strength from their friends and they've no-one to try and impress. It works and before you know it, all the girls are friends again.

Talk to the school and ask them what their anti-bullying procedure is. Big hugs for your dd, she is better than all of those girls put together. Bullies are victims too tell her - they probably have a bad home life, perhaps they don't get the attention they crave at home, perhaps they just want to feel special. They can see how special your dd is and they feel jealous.

HTH

Original poster

misdee · 25/02/2010 10:40

am going to catch her teacher after school and try and get an appointment for tomorrow. or if he has some time tonight and will take in the letter dd1 has written.

OP posts:

Sonnet · 25/02/2010 10:42

So sorry she is going through this Misdee.

Nag the school - see them this week...

Also I found it really useful when DD1 was going through this ( a similar age!!) to give her coping sills and to do role play with her.
Talking, talking with DD1 about it all helped.
We had a fab book - Big Mouths, Meanies and so called Friends" I think it was called.

Hassled · 25/02/2010 10:42

I so understand how you feel - there's a local kid who's been making DS2's life hell, and who I walk past every day on his way home from school. It takes every ounce of self control I have not to just randomly trip him over and then point and laugh.

I hope your DD is OK - and that the school are proactive.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 25/02/2010 10:48

Grrrrr. Loathe bullies.

Well done for keeping your head. These little minxes usually know every one of their rights and how to get what they want. One word of caution - when my youngest sister was going through the same, my Mum collared the perpertrator outside of school and hissed a good telling off at her, no more than that. The little bitch then turned on the waterworks and told the teacher that my mum had assaulted her! It was resolved quickly because everyone knew what this girl was about, but it could have got nasty if she hadn't finally confessed that my mum hadn't laid a finger on her.
I know it's hard and you want to protect your own, but you are right going through the teacher and keeping everyone informed. Hope your DD feels better soon and the whole nasty business is resolved.

CoffeeCrazedMama · 25/02/2010 10:51

Misdee - so sorry to hear what these little beasts are putting your dd through. My dd3 was bullied and it was devastating and really lowered her confidence, and she had not had to deal with what your brave dd has had to face in the past few years.

Absolutely tell the school - and let's all pray they have a teacher as wonderfully wise as the teacher Rhubard describes. Rhubarb - he should be cloned and put in every school! What a brilliant strategy. Dd's school did the useless getting everyone together (oh right, so ten 'best friends' and dd )to sort out any 'misunderstanding' which just intimidates the victim and plays to the bullys' sense of power.

Good luck.

pigletmania · 25/02/2010 10:55

YADNBU I would feel the same, just becasue they are kids does not mean you have to like them,and feel what you are feeling. They have hurt your family and cause your dd1 upset,stress and you want to protect her, you are well within your rights. Mabey someone should say something to them and take them down a peg or two, they need that and see how big they look. In my day (i am 32) this would happen freely, if parents heard that their child was being bullied or saw it they would have no qualms about telling the child off and quite rightly so. Nowadays children seem to be little Princes and Princesses who can do no wrong, and a good telling off might damage them emtionally, sometimes they need it.

shivster1980 · 25/02/2010 10:57

Your poor DD.

I was bullied at school and one of my biggest fears is my child being at the mercy of a bully.

YANBU at all!

bruffin · 25/02/2010 11:03

Know exactly how you feel

a silly yr 7 went up to DD yesterday and said

"No Offence - but your brother is ugly and weird"

DS is neither

Really don't understand the mentallity of it all

Original poster

misdee · 25/02/2010 11:07

the accidently tripping them up is sooo tempting but...

no, cant do it.

there is so much going on in the class, with nasty things being written on pencil cases ('XXXX is socially retarded' and c*nt' apparently), neither of which dd1 can spell so cant be her doing it.

she has help with her spelling and attends a morning lexia programme most mornings, and they laugh at her for that

OP posts:

underactivethyroidmum · 25/02/2010 11:07

YANBU - my daughter is a similar age and has had issues with one boy in particular in her class and recently suffered name calling from one particular girl.

The bullying she endured from the boy was of a more physical nature,and despite frequent compaints to the school, nothing stopped this boy. It came to a head when he tried to strangle her as she wouldn't be his friend

Although the school and his parents were aware of the issue,this was the final straw for me and at the time I considered it to be an example of how poorly the school had dealt with the issue. I was firmly convinced that as the boy is one of three children, they were more concerned at loosing three lots of school fees compared to our one !His parents claimed he was just being over friendly and our daughter over sensitive

In anger I took matters firmly into my own hands by telling the boys parents very loudly in the playground that unless he left my daughter alone they may just find themselves in need of a good window repair company

At the time I was so angry and upset that my natural instinct to fight her corner took over and although some may say that this wasn't the right way to deal with the matter it worked and he now avoids her as much as possible !

The girl frequently calls my daughter a wierdo and is hypercritical of anything she likes - music,clothes etc and again my complaints to the school have done little to stop the problem.

In order to deal with this problem I invited the girls mother to be my facebook friend and after a week of status updates that commented on how nasty some girls can be - although not directly naming her daughter - the bullying stopped.

It is difficult to no what to do but my advice would be if you don't get anywhere with the school then don't hesitate to go directly to the parents of the bullies - often a little loud humiliation in the playground is sufficient to deal with this sort of thing at that age. Even the worst parents do not want others to see their precious offspring labelled a bully.

Tell your daughter to be proud of who she is not ashamed and that bullying by other girls is usually derived from their own jealousy and insecurity, and is not her fault.

indyandlara · 25/02/2010 15:43

YANBU. Bullying is horrible.

Call and ask to see the class teacher ASAP. Any good teacher would be happy to see you and would want to act on this. You dont been to nag the school/ ask to see policies etc until you have told them what is happening.

Sadly a lot of bullying happens out of school and the teachers are not there to hear/ see/ stop it.

Greenshadow · 25/02/2010 15:53

WE've been relatively lucky and had no case of serious bullying, but when DS1 was having some trouble in about yr4, I went into the playground in the morning and stared very deliberately at the main boy in question. Not sure it had much affect, but felt better doing it and he was certainly aware that I was aware and hopefully worried that if he carried on, I might do more than just stare.
Sounds a bit pathetic when I write it down, but don't think it did any harm.

LoveBeingAMummy · 25/02/2010 15:57

I have to say that out of all the things that i worry about for my 2 yr old dd's life ahead of her bullying is the one that keeps popping up in my mind. yanbu to think it at all and sounds very in control, i'm not sure i would be waiting for an appt.

OTTMummA · 25/02/2010 16:06

oh, i don't know, im not great at impluse control, if the parents of those bullies don't except their children are behaving like little shits then they would get a good whack round the face, some kids started taking the micky out of my Disabled brother many years ago on a bus, the driver heard it all, and stopped, ( miles from anyway btw ) and marched them off, all the pensioners laughing at them, as the bus drove off they were all pretty much crying lol
bullies need to be embarresed and made an example of.
i don't believe at 10 that this sitting down with them crap will work

Original poster

misdee · 25/02/2010 17:19

spoke to dd1 teacher after school.

he is sorting it out tomorrow. and will be calling parents as well i belive.

dd1 is worried as she is now the 'grass' but hopefully it will stop and they will leave her alone.

thing is, these girls are meant to be her friends. but they all keep turning on each other.

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