annoying woman - would you tell an acquaintance this?

[Clary]

Bumped into a mum I know - not really a friend tho I have known her a while - this am and asked after her DS who is now in yr 2.

"Oh he's doing really well - and he's on the G&T register! Yes, for reading and for ICT! blah blah blah" lots more info about prodigal DS.

I was a bit tho I said oh yes, he's such a good reader isn't he. I am certainly very abotu G&T in primary schools for a number of reasons; but even if I thought it was wonderful I don't think I'd randomly boast about it to a passing mum.

Would you?

Poor woman probably thought you wanted a chat, it isn't weird to talk about your child surely if someone asks?

Poor woman probably thought you wanted a chat, it isn't weird to talk about your child surely if someone asks?

OK I have accepted I was unreasonable

Actually, yes, I think that "how are you" does not always require a long list of ailments etc (which is what you get from some people).

It is a social nicety.

Anyway. Could get annoyed by some comments on here, but you don't know me or my DC so I won't hold them against you.

Stepping away now.

It is something worth discussing, as I think,at times, there is a trend towards pity parties when it comes to babies and children and this is acceptable, however, if someone is genuinely proud of their children for whatever their reasons the assumption is often made that it is bragging.

Of course it can be bragging and it is all in the tone but I don't think we should get to the point where if asked, you don't feel you can say anything nice in case someone thionks you are bragging.

Sorry clary, that wasn't aimed at you as you have already accepted that yabu, but just meant in general terms.

I think you mean 'prodigy' not 'prodigal'! Unless he had previously left home and spent the inheritance etc... in which case I can understand why she's thrilled at his progress!

Clary, you have said YWBU so fair enough - but if you want to avoid similar situations in future, try to ask more specific questions e.g. "how is your little Tommy settling into school now after his problems?"

You never know when you're going to come up against people who will take your question literally and answer it.

FWIW, I would have probably asked you whether you wanted the long or short answer - a habit I got into after my ex-fiancé dumped me years ago - people kept asking me "How are you" so I was just checking whether they were being polite or really wanted to know.

Actually I think Clary has hit upon an interesting social question here. It?s clear from the variety of responses that some people think her question was just a polite one to ask and others that it was a genuine inquiry for more information.

I guess this is one of those situations where context is everything. If someone I barely knew asked this question, I would probably reply ?not too bad, thanks?, but if it was asked by someone who I knew was familiar with DS?s long and complicated medical history I might be inclined to offer a few more details because I would assume that they genuinely wanted an update.

So perhaps thumbwitch is right and you should ask whether the inquirer wants the long version or the short one

I remember my father, at a pary, politely asking someone how they were and what they'd been doing since he'd last seen them. The woman replied 'what business is it of your's?' .

well you did ask although I can understand why it annoyed you a little. One of the other mums of a girl in my daughters class manages to work "well M is very advanced for her age" into every sentence, which might be true but it is a little irritating when I spend most of my evenings trying to teach my daughter the sounds of letters she was supposed to learn months ago!

There are some very literal people on here. To be honest, unless it's my nephews, niece or a very good friend's children, when I ask 'how are the childre' I'm just being polite. I don't really, really want to know about their progress in school, and what sports they play and what minor illnesses they have had. Sorry, but I'm just not that interested. Any more than I expect them to take that level of interest in my children.

This isn't aimed at Clary, who has already said she understands why people think she is BU, but I find it really sad in this society that we seem to have some kind of anti-intellectualism going on, whereby so many people don't think it is okay to say your child is doing well academically at school. If the woman had said, 'yes, he's doing really well at football and has joined the team', or 'he's really good at art and has joined the art club' or something, these things would not be considered bragging or too much information. But because the thing he is good at is academia, then there seems to be some kind of special rule that we need to hide it, or not mention it. I think it is a shame, and I think we should all be proud of our children, whatever their strengths are - whether it is dancing, football, music or maths!

YANBU I have a neighbour like this you ask her how her dd is getting on out of politeness and instead of a fine thanks you're given the full load down on achievements this term. I've now learnt to give her 5 minutes and then take my leave. I'm afraid some people are so insecure about themselves and their dc's abilities that they have to boast at every opportunity regardless of the occasion.

Envy and all that. Pure and simple. OP that is.

Nah, I can't be arsed to hear about little Tarquin's academic brilliance either- bores the conkers off me. YANBU. A simple "Oh great, thanks, he's doing really well" would suffice.

If you had asked how he was doing academically then it would have been relevant. You didn't, so I would say that her saying that kind of thing is boastful. The normal respose would have been "he is fine thanks very happy etc".

Hmm OK was going to go away but am drawn back by ellokitty's thoughful post.

I still wouldn't say "my child is in the top 3 in his class you know" (which is what she said) to someone whose child also goes to that school.

It's like saying "my child might be cleverer than yours" which is somehow not what you do. Or I don't anyway (tho clearly a lot of you do!)

But yes, maybe you're right ellokitty, it's like inverse intellectual snobbery and maybe it's wrong.

All I know is, I don't know this info about G&T register about some of my best pal's DC (tho they may well be in that top 10%), that's why it seemed odd.

It's not envy thanks. How would you all know how well my DC are doing! I don't tend to boast about it y'see

Do people really think that "how are you" requires anything more than "fine thanks, you"? It really doesn't, you know...

I bet you she wouldn't have been so verbose if her DC had been sitting around average or below average.

Is this an English thing? I mean how complex do the rules need to be for asking and answering the question "How Are You".

Are the rules written down somewhere so that unsuspecting idiots who, when asked, actually tell you how they are can gen up to avoid future embarrassment.

OK - so you are just being polite when you ask 'how are you?' or 'how is little Jimmy getting on?

Full points for being polite and asking.

However, I reserve the right to deduct all politeness points from you when you are rude enough to complain that the person bothered to answer you and then come on a forum and whinge about your 'friend'.

If you ask a silly question (which you don't want to hear a reply to), then expect a silly answer.

I just think it's odd to boast and preen that your child is G&T to a random acquaintance.

I don't mind her telling me how he is. I just wouldn't do that boasting thing - and as I have said, neither do any of my friends. I guess that's why I was surprised.

IABU and have accepted that! It's OK to boast and I shall rmember that (tho I still think I'm too much of an inverted intellectual snob to do it lol)

Never said she was a friend btw or even a 'friend' whatever that is.

I have one child who has sn and one who is extremely good at everything he tries. It's funny but people never ask after him and how he's doing at school etc.... they do ask about DD's progress though.

It's not a silly question - since when has "how are you" been classed as a silly question? It's perfectly normal to ask this, and perfectly normal to say "fine thanks".

There will always be parents who only need the slightest nod of encouragement to then start waffling on in great detail about John and Jane's achievements, completely oblivious to the glazed eyes of the person who innocently asked the "how are you" question. If they can drop the G and T thing into the waffle, then so much the better - like anyone else (who isn't a family member or close friend) really gives a toss.

So I reserve the right to add the points deducted by Pip back onto your score, and instead deduct them from the your acquaintance for being boring and unnecessary.