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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm allowed a bit of a break

61 replies

Pennies · 24/02/2010 21:33

Last monday I had a double mastectomy as I have breast cancer. My PILs have been staying whilst I'm recouperating so I can rest and my MIL can act as my chauffeur.

I spent a week in hospital whilst my two were on half term. Since coming out I have managed to grab two x 1 hour naps during the daytime. I barely sleep at night due to pain and the fact I can't lie on my front at all. Beyond that they've left me alone in the house with an ill DD who I can't pick up, I've had bring their food to them at the table, do the washing, make dinner, do the bathtime routine, get the kids up, take DD2 swimming. Tonight I've been doing dinner and laundry whilst they sit on their arses watching TV.

DDS aged 4 & 5 so it's not like I can just tell them and they get on with it.

Surely this is my time to sit on my arse?

OP posts:
EasyEggs · 24/02/2010 21:39

I cannot believe they would think that is actually acceptable??!!

I would be fuming if I were you. You need to rest and recover, are they completely stupid?

VERY on your behalf.

Even though you shouldn't even have to, I think you should say something or things will carry on the same by the looks of it.

I hope you get some "time off" asap and are better soon

Firawla · 24/02/2010 21:39

yanbu at all
perhaps dh could have a word with them that they are supposed 2 be there to help? cos if they are not really helping you would prob be better off without having them as visitors expecting to be cooked for etc

tulpe · 24/02/2010 21:43

YANBU.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. BC is a bastard.

You need to rest and recuperate. That is presumably why they are staying with you. I would be very too.

I had a lumpectomy last October. That op was so minor compared to what you have just been through and yet DH wouldn't let me out of bed to do anything for at least 3 days and I felt emotionally and physically drained for at least a week.

I so hope you can get the time to rest that you need. Any chance your DH could step in and talk to them on your behalf?

Original poster
Pennies · 24/02/2010 21:45

DH says that his dad is old (he's 73 and actually quite active, it's just that he's depressed and grumpy). His mum seems to be rather acopic about it - tonight's dinner is sausages, chips and veg. She started defrosting the sausages at 8pm, knowing DH was back at 8.30 and that was ALL she did. I was on the phone to another load of the army of well wishers and assumed she had it all in hand.

We've not had dinner yet and she's moaning about it.

It's quite hard to say something - I don't want to upset them. There's a lot of passive aggression going on. They're bored and homesick and I want them out of here but I can't really drive yet so I've got no choice.

They annoying thing is that she said before I went in to hospital that she wouldn't be let me do a thing when I got out. Yeah bloody right.

OP posts:
tulpe · 24/02/2010 21:48

oh Pennies. What an awful situation for you Am sending you a very un-MN hug.

Pozzled · 24/02/2010 21:53

What on earth is your DH doing that he is letting this happen? Either he or you need to have a serious talk with your in-laws, and remind them of why they are there. I would say ask them to leave, but if you need them to drive it makes it more difficult.

You really should at least stop waiting on them though, if needs be just say that you need to rest, go off to your room and leave them to get on with it- especially once the kids are in bed.

Do you have anyone else nearby that could come round and look after DC for a bit so that you can get the rest you need?

Kewcumber · 24/02/2010 21:54

blimey O'reilly. Send them home and pay for taxis or ask friends - it surely can;t be worse?! Can you ring Macmillan nurses and ask one of them to come and explain what you should/shouldn't be doing?

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 21:56

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StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 21:57

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Megletwantsittobesummer · 24/02/2010 21:57

I'm livid on your behalf.

If they aren't helping they should bugger off and at least leave you in peace. Seriously, you must rest until you have mended.

Do you know any local nurseries who could send some staff over to help (they often top up their money with extra babysitting, at least they'll be CAB checked and experienced).They might be able to take the pressure off at weekends.

moondog · 24/02/2010 21:59

Christ alive.
Tjis is unbelievable.
You have had MAJOR surgery.

Boot the fuckers out and tell your dh to start doing something.

You poor poor woman.

bellavita · 24/02/2010 22:00

Sorry to hear about your BC and operation

Your PIL's sound a bloody nightmare and I am on your behalf.

I can soooo sympathise as my MIL was like this in the end, I got rid and sent her home.

SirBoobAlot · 24/02/2010 22:03

They need a good damn kick up the arse. Give me your address, I'll come help you out...

Second saying that you should have a word with your DH. You need to be resting, relaxing, and being waited on hand and foot, not putting up with his less than helpful parents!!

Is there anything MN can do to help?

Big hugs (if that's okay). x

KurriKurri · 24/02/2010 22:04

Oh Pennies (waves) I'm feeling really cross on your behalf.

Your DH should maybe have a chat with them and explain. You shouldn't be stressed out by having to confront them. Could he write out a list of what they need to do each day to help. e.g. supervise DDs, cook the meals, do the washing etc. while Pennies rests?

He needs to tell them you must be allowed undisturbed rest, so you can recover.

Not getting at your DH, obviously very hard for him too, but you know you've got a lot of treatment ahead, you need to get the message through now. xx

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 22:05

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SirBoobAlot · 24/02/2010 22:12

I can't drive, but can cook, clean, entertain little ones...

SixtyFootDoll · 24/02/2010 22:16

Cant your DH take some time off work?
They sound awful.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

Kewcumber · 24/02/2010 22:18

you're not in SW london area are you ? I can probably help a bit

Original poster
Pennies · 24/02/2010 22:21

I've got a nanny who is starting this week but she's only doing short hours, isn't insured on my tank of a car yet and the poor girl is finding her feet and doing the best she can. I'm trying to get her settled into the job and the mores of the house so she can take over next week when they're gone.

Tomorrow I'm going to say that I'm wiped out and pretend (not that I'm probably going to need to) that I'm too tired to contribute at all.

OP posts:
Chynah · 24/02/2010 22:22

Get rid of them - you'd better off without. And kick DH up the ar** whilst you're at it - he should be looking after you.

Original poster
Pennies · 24/02/2010 22:22

Pennies waves at KK - didn't want to gripe any more on our thread. All I seem to do is moan on and on about crap stuff there. Don't want to bring you all down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennies · 24/02/2010 22:23

DH has taken loads and loads of time off work for me already. He's been bloody great. I can see how it's hard for him too.

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 24/02/2010 22:27

Pennies sounds intolerable, would second Macmillan nurses or is ther a similar local charity?

KurriKurri · 24/02/2010 22:31

Don't worry about moaning Pennies, moaning is good.

I know your DH has been great, and you are both going through a tough time. I think you are right - just take yourself off and say I have to rest now. Get a do not disturb sign.
IME some people will only step up to the mark when they are told to take total responsibility - if you're around they'll let you do things.

verytellytubby · 24/02/2010 22:34

Poor you. Sounds horrific.
Hope you manage to get some rest.