to think I'm allowed a bit of a break

[Pennies]

Last monday I had a double mastectomy as I have breast cancer. My PILs have been staying whilst I'm recouperating so I can rest and my MIL can act as my chauffeur.

I spent a week in hospital whilst my two were on half term. Since coming out I have managed to grab two x 1 hour naps during the daytime. I barely sleep at night due to pain and the fact I can't lie on my front at all. Beyond that they've left me alone in the house with an ill DD who I can't pick up, I've had bring their food to them at the table, do the washing, make dinner, do the bathtime routine, get the kids up, take DD2 swimming. Tonight I've been doing dinner and laundry whilst they sit on their arses watching TV.

DDS aged 4 & 5 so it's not like I can just tell them and they get on with it.

Surely this is my time to sit on my arse?

YANBU, I know it's easier said than done, (especially when your kids need things done for them) but you need to be a bit of a diva here.

It is hard to stop doing things if you are generally a 'doer' but know that it is OK, at this time, for you to sit down and to ask people around you to do the things that need doing. (I've recently had to do this myself for reasons much less serious than yours and its hard at first but you have to swallow the pride, prioritise and accept the different methods and results).

They surely won't say no knowing what you've been through will they?

If it helps you will be back on your feet properly, much more quickly if you give yourself time to heal properly. It is not better to do too much now and be operating under par for longer (especially with more treatment coming up).

Hope you manage to sort things over the next few days.

You poor love. I had a lumpectomy when my two were about the same ages as your own (am a lone parent) and that was hard enough.

I agree with Pozzled, definately just take yourself off and leave the PIL to do what they have promised to do. And make life as easy as possible for yourself - for a start, your child doesn't HAVE to go swimming, cancelling for a couple of weeks or more, with an explanation to DD that Mummy is feeling poorly (but will be better in time) and that you will make it up to her when you are more able.

Can your DH not take compassionate leave? What about seeing if other Mums can do the school run? My children had not long been at their school when I got breast cancer following a house move but I had Mums I only knew by sight at the gate coming up and offering to help. Remember that if they didn't mean it, they wouldn't offer. Don't be a shy, guilt-ridden twit like me... ACCEPT! If no-one offers, ASK! Speak to the school Head or secretary, whoever's really on the ball as to who is who and which Mums are the uber-helpful ones and ask them to introduce you or have a word with them on your behalf.

Sit DH and the PIL down with the literature you no doubt left the hospital with and explain clearly what you need in the way of help and why, and leave that literature on the table in full view so they get the hint. Explain, for example, he risk of PERMANENT disability if you damage your arm/s (I presume that you too would have had lymph nodes removed?).

I know even as lone parent who had no support how bloody hard it is to get any from outside agencies - I tried asking re the school run but was told to put them in the local sink estate school as it was my choice to do the 12 mile daily walk to the wonderful school they attended. However, in retrospect I think that my designated nurse on the BC team could have helped there, they are fantastic. It's surely worth you speaking to them.

Finally, I obviously don't know the circumstances but I really think that this is one time when any woman with a DH has the RIGHT to say "They're your DC too, you MUST help".

Wishing you a fast and full recovery with many un-MNly hugs.

Val x

I think you need to have a day in bed tomorrow! Just refuse to get up. I am truly shocked at their behaviour!

I understand that your husband can't take more time off, but he really needs to be talking to his parents about this. It's much easier to ask for help on someone else's behalf, after all. And if his parents are too old to help, they shouldn't be there.

I mean, come on. My husband is away this week presenting at a conference, and because I'm the breadwinner and can't afford to take the week off work, his mother has flown over to help babysit our toddler. Which is wonderful. When she's over, she also does laundry, tidies, cooks dinner and then cleans the kitchen while I do bedtime and bath. If she's here over a weekend, she takes my daughter out for a bit so I can have a nap. And I'm totally able-bodied and healthy, she just genuinely likes to help and knows that it's harder for me when my husband's away because I don't get any help with night times (my daughter is only 14 mo and still wakes at night).

You have just had a double masectomy, you have two young children and a husband working long hours. You do deserve help, and if there's anyone else you can call on, please do it. Maybe if a friend of yours arrives to do some cooking or take your daughters out for a walk, it will make your PIL feel a bit guilty and make your point for you?

Oh yes and FGS don't feel guilty about ordering a stack of convenience foods online and living off microwavable pre-prepared meals for the while. None of us want to eat like that all the time but for the present it will cut down hugely on preparation and cooking time, being on your feet or causing the PILs, if they do help, to make you feel guilty that they are struggling to cook for you all.

i'd be checking myself into bloody claridges. Tonight. So for you! Huge hugs!

You need to rest and unles you take some time out and LET them deal with it they probably won't. Glad to hear you've got a nanny starting as that was my next suggetion - hire a nanny and let her get on with it.

Wishing you a speedy recovery not just physically but emotionally too, I'm a single parent but it's almost easier when you don't expect other people to help rather than having people who SHOULD but don't.

Right. I am pulling the I am exhausted card today, despite sleeping quite well for once. I was present at but did not participate in the debacle that is getting the DCs up, dressed and ready for school. PILs have taken them to school whilst lovely new nanny has taken charge and told me that she will just rummage her way around the house to find where things live and tidy up that way. She's only ever done two days nannying (it's her first job in childcare) and I'm loving her attitude. PILs seem to think she's there to wait on them though and have left all their dirty breakfast stuff out for her to clear up. I had planned short days for her this week because she's just settling in, and the PILs were on hand to take over where she left off, and they're griping that she went home early while there was still stuff to do that I did whilst they sat there watching TV!

I do sound so ungrateful don't I. I'm not and it was great they were her whilst it was half term. DH took that week off too though and I suspect he did a lot more than they're saying he did.

Anyway, they're off on Saturday and as first impressions of the nanny are good I'm hoping there won't be much need for this again. Glad the consensus was that IANBU - I'd have cried if it wasn't!

PMSL @ groundhog and claridges. Do you think perhaps I should just bin the nanny and plough what would be her wages into hotel bills? Sounds eminently sensible and lovely. If it doesn't work out with her I might just do that!

OMG they sound dfreadful! Hope the nanny left their dirty breakfast things for them to clean up themselves - she's being paid to look after your DC, not your PIL!

Yey for the nanny, she sounds like she's being fantastic Hope you're snuggled up in fluffy PJs watching films and eating chocolates!

Keep at the bedrest then Pennies. I'll make voodoo figures of the lazy PILs for you.

I'm a bit concerned at you not being able to sleep due to pain. Can you have a chat to your GP to get some suitable pain relief to give you a bit more sleep? And if you are worried about getting constipated just ask for some movicol too (it's gentle and not yucky) or just chomp back the dried apricots. You really do need some more sleep to get better.

If being tired and in bed today doesn't work, I think the diva approach may be required .

ask Nanny to carefully clean around Inlaws dishes and leave them yourself. She's a Nanny not the maid. Do they not wash up after themselves at home?!

Nanny did clear up after them, bless her!

The main reason for poor sleep is not being able to sleep on my front yet, and turning to each side is a slightly delicate operation that I need to wake up to do esp on my left, preferred sleeping side which has a seroma ripe for draining (tomorrow's fun), so it's discomfort & tentativeness rather than proper pain, but thank you for being concerned.

I am horrified that they think that this is ok to do, especially after coming to 'look after you'.

Your DH needs to say something, you do NOT need to be doing anything.....apart from anything it will impede on your recovery, meaning they might need to stay longer....and if they are that homsick, it would be in their best interest to help more so that you recover quicker, and they get home sooner!!

much sympathy for the op and BC.

I'm horrified by this thread. Is there anything any mumsnetters can do to help?

Where do you live ? I have a day off tomorrow and would happily come round to help/bring you a casserole or two?

Pennies I had wondered how you were (remember you from the stopping feeding thread). Your PIL are activing disgracefully and you are a saint for putting up with it. Your DH should have put his foot down big time before now.

I am aghast at this behaviour from your In Laws. I really don't know what to say, other than to tell them to bugger off!

I think you are very brave and I wish you all the best for a smooth recovery (once they've gone)!

Tell them you feel faint and go to bed with a box of chocolates and stay there till they go. I hope you are also wearing pjamas and not brushing your hair?

Oh Pennies what an absolutely awful time you are having.

You PILs sounds absolutely frightful. Could you not beg favours from wellwishers and friends for driving?

this is terrible. take to your bed and stay there they will have to pull their weight then

how difficult for you

this is dreadful! Your DH needs to say something.
No doubt they'll be telling everyone how they looked after you as well

I'm wearing odd socks and a rather fetching dressing gown to give myself a slightly crazed look. Don't want to take it much further in case I scare the children.

Promising Nanny gave me a lift to the dentist today which solved that problem. Her ironing is a damn sight better than mine too.

Thank you for the very many offers of help - it is hugely appreciated. Tomorrow I've got to go to get my fluid drained (mmmmm, nice... Not) and then physio and then I have an appointment with my oncologist in the afternoon. The inly thing my MIL has to drive me to is the physio but I can handle that and DH and I are out in the evening so I can avoid them for most of the day.

Tonight DH is taking them out for a meal to say thank you whilst I have my lovely girlfriends over to eat a fish pie that a mum from school cooked me, so there are helping hands out there doing marvellous stuff!