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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dreaming about inheritance :S

58 replies

OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 19:28

I may come across as a heartless cow on this but hey ho!

My DH is an only child and his dad is also an only he has a physical disability that will inevitably shorten his life.

I love DFIL very much, i have cared for him for the last 3 yrs, despite not being well myself and having my son. I help him bath, shave, clean, cook him lunch and dinner, take him to the doctors, etc and hospital appointments, infact i do more for him than my DH does, as he finds him frustrating to deal with sometimes.
although they have a good relationship.

basically FIL has told us everything ( inlcuding what he got a few yrs ago from his dads estate) will go to us and a much smaller amount to DHs younger nieces when he goes, he even showed me his will, which i thought was slightly morbid, but i didn't want to upset him.
he also told me his wishes rgds to his funeral etc, we had a laugh about that, which made me feel a bit better.

we've tried to pursued him to move in with us, but he won't, even though it would be easier logistacly etc, i think its his pride.

however although i am in no way hoping he goes sooner than later, i have found myself, thinking and day dreaming about what we could do with the inheritance, i feel a bit guilty about it in fact a lot guilty :S, is this normal or am i horrid???

anyone else been in a similar position?

OP posts:
Original poster
OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 19:30

also, the disability is genetic, that has thankfuly stopped with him, and wasn't passed to DH. he has also had 2 heart attacks over and 8 yr period, so he needs my help a lot.

OP posts:
heQet · 23/02/2010 19:31

I've not been in this postion, but you're not horrid, you're just human. You help and support him because you love him and you want to, not because you've got your eyes on the prize - THAT would make you horrid.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

GhoulsAreLoud · 23/02/2010 19:33

I think it's pretty horrible tbh, sorry.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 19:35

he only told me this, and showed me his will a few days ago, have been mulling it over, we knew that it would probably go to us, but being told, etc and gave me a rough figure, makes it more real IYKWIM

OP posts:
Original poster
OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 19:37

God now i feel awful

OP posts:
CwtchyMama · 23/02/2010 19:46

I wouldnt count your chickens tbh,he may change his mind & write a new will,not saying he will as you sound lovely but people do change their minds.

ihearthuckabees · 23/02/2010 19:48

I don't think you're being horrible. You sound like a very caring DIL and he's lucky to have you around. It's only human to think about what you'll do with some extra cash; it doesn't mean you want him dead or you won't miss him when he's gone.

stitch · 23/02/2010 19:51

it sounds normal sort of behaviour, as long as it stays in your head.
however
the net, and particularaly mumsnet, are no longer the secret places they used to be. you may find, years from now, that this thread comes back to bite you. be VERY VERY wary about posting such personal private thoughts on her. its an incredibly public domain, and its down in black and white what your thoughts are. i think you sound like a normal human being, but others will twist your words. not necessarily.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 19:57

stitch, im not sure i understand, ive tried to keep the info as basic as possible?
i don't know anyone personaly on MN either, you've scared me now,

OP posts:
Lucyellensmumma · 23/02/2010 19:59

You don't sound horrible at all, you sound like a lovely caring and patient person. your FIL is thankful for all your love and care and this will be his way of thanking you.

I know this sounds horribly mercinary but you might want to talk to someone about him signing over his house to you while he is still alive, with things outlined in his will that perhaps when it is sold etc how the proceeds will be divvied out - because if he should need to go into a care home he will have to sell the house to pay for this and im pretty sure he would much rather his money go to his family. Its worth considering.

I do think you have made a HUGE mistake posting on here though, you are going to get a roasting so i hope you have a heat proof coat and a hard hat.

You don't sound horrible at all

My aunt was horrible, she came over to stay with her BIL with her husband, he was very very old and she basically talked him into changing his will and leaving it to her and her husband - then she went around telling everyone, i hope X hurries up and drops down dead so we can sell the house Gawd she was a hard face cow

expatinscotland · 23/02/2010 20:01

I hope he doesn't wind up needing to go into a home and use teh money for that. .

That's what's happened to FIL's sister. The care homes run by the council were dire. There was no way FIL would have seen her in one of those just so he'd get an inheritance.

He and MIL looked after her for years, also in poor health themselves.

Personally, I don't see the point in inheritances. Why not just give it away now and get the joy of watching the people enjoy it whilst you're alive?

diddl · 23/02/2010 20:06

Well, it´s an inheritance, not a right.

Op´s FIL perhaps can´t give it away now as he might need it?

I know my father intends to leave everything equally between myself & sister-he can´t give us it yet though as he needs his house to live in & his money to live on!

GhoulsAreLoud · 23/02/2010 20:15

I didn't say you were horrible by the way, just that your thoughts were.

I can't imagine fantasising about spending someone's money after their death so I do find it horrible, sorry.

TheBolter · 23/02/2010 20:18

You're not being horrible.

You've been told that you will receive a sum of money and you are able to detach the two emotions - that of sadness over your impending loss, but excitement over the resultant gain.

It is not a horrible way to think if you prioritise the importance of a) him receiving the best care for the rest of his life, even if you may have to 'sacrifice' the money to his eventual nursing care and b) you enjoy the rest of your time with him and not wish it away.

I have been told that when my granny goes I will inherit some money which will be a huge relief to us financially but I know I will also be heartbroken. It's a double edged sword and probably one to try and keep locked away until the day comes that it will actually have some resonance in your life.

As expat says you should never rely on inheritance, just get on with the here and now. An inheritance is not a right it is a fortuitous privilege.

Undercovamutha · 23/02/2010 20:21

As long as you aren't wishing him dead, which you are obviously not, then I don't see a problem with having private personal thoughts dreaming about the inheritance.

But as others have said, I would be wary of setting your heart on it, as you never know what will happen.

BTW you sound like a very caring person - and a great help to your DFIL. He is lucky to have you.

StrictlyKatty · 23/02/2010 20:24

You can't help but think it, but by God you should swallow the feeling down and never mention it again!

Seabright · 23/02/2010 20:31

Don't get him to sign any assets such as his house over to you - it doesn't mean that they won't be counted as an asset if he needs residential care (he'll be considered to be intentionally depriving himself of assets).

Also, it won't avoid inheritance tax (IHT) either - it'll be considered a Gift With Reservation, and IHT will still be charged.

I don't think you're a bad person for thinking it, only the very saintly amongst us would be able to say they've never had thoughts like this. You're thinking about it now because it's all just been discussed. It'll fade as time goes on and other stuff happens, and you'll only think of it occasionally.

Pikelit · 23/02/2010 20:36

It's the sort of thought that probably passes, briefly, through most people's minds at some time or another. But giving any serious consideration to what you might do with this presumed inheritance is not only wrong but also tempting fate. Who knows what could happen between what you assume to be the case now and your FIL's actual demise.

staranise · 23/02/2010 20:46

You are not BU to think about it but why publicise it?

Echoing what others have said, the net is a public domain over which you have little control and it's not nearly as anonymous as you might think. Please, think twice about whether it's really necessary to be posting about thoughts that you would probably prefer your close friends and relative not to know, no matter how honourable they may be.

Vivia · 23/02/2010 20:58

This is a little bit sick. I'm sorry to be blunt but you could shift focus to your DFIL. Someone has to die, just stop existing for that 'dream' to be reality. For now, enjoy your relationship. Your FIL will want you to enjoy the money when it comes. Until then, don't anticipate death: you don't know what will happen. My grandfather was my best friend. When he learned he was terminally ill, he told me everything would be mine. I was a teenager and I sobbed into my pillow that night, promising that I'd give all the money and material items up if something could save my darling grandfather. I understand that the money can vastly improve your life, but right now your thoughts should be with the living. It's odd that you are all about the material and less about someone's pain and loss of life.

TheBolter · 23/02/2010 21:02

Oh come on guys, the fact that she's on here talking about it at all is because it hangs on her conscience. Give her a break.

OTT, you might be wise to hide your personal profile or namechange if you are ging to post private thought though .

Pikelit · 23/02/2010 21:10

What TheBolter advised. I already know what you look like and where you live. It's a large county, admittedly. But not so large that, with the other details you provide, you couldn't easily be recognised in RL.

uglymugly · 23/02/2010 21:15

No, YANBU, in the sense that people dealing with what you're dealing with need some way of deflecting emotionally from the reality. I think that what you're probably doing is transferring your thoughts away from the current reality into a happier realm. The problem with that is what you will eventually feel when death occurs, as it will do.

Money doesn't always solve problems, but they can ease those problems considerably. Think about how your FIL's money could have been used to support him and in the process ease the workload you've taken on. It's not too difficult to understand how the concepts of support/money/workload can get mixed up. I think that your feelings of "guilt" are probably no more than subconscious wishful thinking of how things could be better.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 23/02/2010 21:53

thankyou everyone, ive come to think my thoughts are just a natural reaction, although i don't like them :S
when he started to need more help, we moved closer, as he said he wanted to die in his own home if possible
im the eldest in my family, and i helped my mum care for my disabled brother, so i guess when he needed help, i just got stuck in, thats what family do? well mine anyway, plus i felt a bit bad for him as he doesn't have anyone else,, at all?!
we get on great, and our son - his GC sees him everyday, im so greatful for that! he talks to him about subjects and events i never knew about lol
and tbh, i don't think he would want a stranger however nice taking such intimate care of him IYKWIM. whenever ive approached the subject of sheltered accomodation or livin help, he just shrugs it off, and goes quiet

We don't need the money, but it would mean we would have no worries about our child/rens future finacialy etc, and that thought just made me feel a little relieved.

I don't see why i should hide myself away? im not ashamed, was just worried a bit.
although i may put my profile on private since i don't know who you all are!

OP posts:
RockinSockBunnies · 23/02/2010 21:59

Seabright - it's actually only payments into trusts that are immediately chargeable to IHT. Were he to give away his house or cash, then it's a PET (potentially exempt transfer) for IHT purposes and will only be chargeable to IHT if he were to die within seven years of the transfer. Only reason I know this is that I have an IHT exam next week....joy of joys....

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