dreaming about inheritance :S

[OTTMummA]

I may come across as a heartless cow on this but hey ho!

My DH is an only child and his dad is also an only he has a physical disability that will inevitably shorten his life.

I love DFIL very much, i have cared for him for the last 3 yrs, despite not being well myself and having my son. I help him bath, shave, clean, cook him lunch and dinner, take him to the doctors, etc and hospital appointments, infact i do more for him than my DH does, as he finds him frustrating to deal with sometimes.
although they have a good relationship.

basically FIL has told us everything ( inlcuding what he got a few yrs ago from his dads estate) will go to us and a much smaller amount to DHs younger nieces when he goes, he even showed me his will, which i thought was slightly morbid, but i didn't want to upset him.
he also told me his wishes rgds to his funeral etc, we had a laugh about that, which made me feel a bit better.

we've tried to pursued him to move in with us, but he won't, even though it would be easier logistacly etc, i think its his pride.

however although i am in no way hoping he goes sooner than later, i have found myself, thinking and day dreaming about what we could do with the inheritance, i feel a bit guilty about it in fact a lot guilty :S, is this normal or am i horrid???

anyone else been in a similar position?

i would never dream of having him sign anything over! why would anyone have to do that?!

YABVVVVVU. Look after him or don't, depending on how you feel, but FFS!!!!! If he was poor would you still look after him?

OTT - I think you are very nice. You were caring for your fil long before you learned about this inheritance so you can hardly be called mercenary.

I'd keep quiet about it within the family though as it can cause rifts.

Again he may need this money to pay for his care in the future if he became immobile for instance, and you couldnt manage him.

Any one can dream about a windfall in the future, its normal, but I would put it to the back of your mind as it may not come about for various reasons. Many a slip etc.

oldernowiser - i never even thought about inheritance ive never inherited anything from my GPs so TBH ive never expected it at all!
and ive known him for 6 yrs, cared for him for 3 yrs before he even told me about his will etc, i also helped cared for my brother and i certainly had no financial gain from that, actually i gave up my social life at 15 because i loved him and wanted to help.
same with my DFIL!
ive never moaned about looking after him and i wouldn't stop looking after him if he decided to give it all to charity! again, i never thought about any inheritance until he mentioned it
i may of had a selfish thought rgds to the money, but i am not a selfish person who only does something for a favour in return!
my fil is very dear to me, i wish i had a had a dad like him when i was younger.

Well I know I'm a heartless bitch but my MIL's savings equity and everything else is dwindling day by day and she could give it to DH also an only child but because she's a greedy mare and expects to make money on her property she'll no doubt end up with nothing.
Having said all that OP it sounds like you're going to earn every penny, I wouldn't care for MIL, I just don't have it in me so I hope if she has to go and I don't want her to, then it's painless and quick because I hate to think of her in some home or hospital.

First of all, YANBU, it's only natural to think about it a little bit.

However, you don't want to dwell on it. In fact, I'd suggest you make an effort to put it out of your brain (once you've got your initial batch of daydreaming over with!) Aside from it just being a bit sad and morbid, there are just too many things that can happen between now and well, 'then'. My grandmother, when she was lucid, assured me many times that I'd be "taken care of" etc when she passed. She and my grandfather had quite a bit of money. However, her mental health deteriorated over the years, and she was eventually swindled out of most of her money by an accountant who turned out to not really be an accountant. He is currently being prosecuted, but honestly, I'll be amazed if we see anything from it. (and no, she wasn't ignored by the family while she was alive. My mother was caring for my grandfather in her own home, but the more senile my grandmother became, the more she convinced herself that the family was after her money... so she gave it to someone else. it's a long story.)

Also, my father was always promised his uncle's fortune, and the uncle lived long enough to change his mind and use it to establish some foundation in his name in NYC. He hadn't had a child of his own and family members suspect he wanted to make sure he made his mark. He didn't leave my father anything, even though a small fraction would have been a nice nest egg.

So, my point is, don't count chickens. It's still new news to you so you're still giving it some thought, but I'd move on asap if I were you, and concentrate on life right now with him.

cakewench - ive heard lots of stories like yours, and i can't believe people get away with stuff like that! i hope it gets corrected x

It came about as just before christmas he had his 6 monthly assesment, basically, i don't think his consultant gave him a good prognoses, and it made him worry slightly

typically with his condition there is a extreme decline very quickly and then the end, and his consultant ( also a family friend ) suggested legal things should be in order by the next assesment, its all hopeless and yet FIL and I are the only ones in the family who are open about future plans etc, we think in similar ways really, which is why i think he told me first, plus i don't think he can talk to DH without getting very upset. he has no one else family wise

We could end up with no inheritance, which doesn't bother me at all, as i wasn't expecting anything, but its nice to know what he would have wanted anyway.

I think he could give it all to us now, but tbh we just want to enjoy what we have left as a family together not wasting any day by legal mumbo jumbo when theres no need for it.

Quote: "Seabright - it's actually only payments into trusts that are immediately chargeable to IHT. Were he to give away his house or cash, then it's a PET (potentially exempt transfer) for IHT purposes and will only be chargeable to IHT if he were to die within seven years of the transfer. Only reason I know this is that I have an IHT exam next week....joy of joys.... "

Then I suggest you do a bit more revision as I don't think you grasp the true position here - if he 'gives away' the house but continues to live in it, it is a gift with reservation of benefit and WILL fall to be assessed for IHT. It may be possible for him to do some tax planning by gifting the house and paying a commercial rate of rent to the new 'owner', but this is an area fraught with difficulty and it's very hard to make it work in practice. Also, I would never advise an elderly client to do this as the level of protection they need to ensure that the new owner can't just kick them out of their home creates difficulties in that it is fundamentally at odds with the premise that it isn't their house any more. Giving away cash would work as a PET, and there is the annual allowance also plus gifts from income.

Also the question of how the local authority assesses assets is separate from the IHT treatment. You can't just sign your house over to someone else and then continue to live there and claim you have no assets - the local authorities are hot on this.

well if you are looking after him and not willing him to die (which you clearly are not) then I dont think you have any reason to feel guilty. My grandparents did the same, told us what they were leaving us (my mother died before them so we got her share). They also said to enjoy it, and in the words of my grandfather " smile when you put the cheque in". I still remember his face when he said that now!. I never willed him to die but I did think about it - who wouldnt!. and when we got it I did smile!

the way I see it they saved all their life and made provisions for their children so why be sullen about it and act as though its a burden - its a gift and as i say there is nothing wrong with thinking about it.

I hope I get some moeny together one day to leave to my children (at the moment they would get about £2.50 each lol).

Emsyj is absolutely correct in her reasoning, and in fact, this is a key trick question in tax papers and has been cited as one of the ICAEW examiner's pet peeves - candidates who advise old people to give their house to the kids while they still live in it and avoid IHT, especially when the question states "his children have convictions for deception and fraud and have talked about moving to Spain"

Unfortunately, the tax man is not as stupid as we sometimes like to believe.

To the OP - I don't think you are BU at all, it is a perfectly normal response to daydream about a sum of money you might get and you are not in any way allowing that to affect your care or feelings towards FIL.

What I would say however is don't get too involved in the daydreams. You never know, FIL might need 24 hour nursing care which would eat it up, or he might have overestimated the value, or he might decide to leave it all to charity.

He has to die for you to have financial security.

Sorry but I'm in the 'spend it on yourself while you are living camp' I can say hand on heart I would rather my parents did this and be happy than leave me money when they are gone

People have made a valid point too, don't be counting it just yet, he may need it for his care in years to come.

You do sound nice, but honestly, a tad mercenary too. Sorry.

I think it is perfectly ok to have these thoughts come into your mind. But realistic to accept that it never happened.

If my MIL had given us her money, she would have her care home funded by the council. But it wouldn't actually be the care home that gives her all the care she needs and enables her to lead a fairly decent life in her current state of health. It would be somewhere where she would end up bedridden and unable to take part in anything due to lack of special aids. So I am very glad that money isn't going to us.

I always assumed her money would be going to us and the inheritance would fund our children's education/top up our pensions. But it is far easier for us to adapt to the thought that this isn't going to happen than it would be to see her go short of the special help she needs.

And btw MIL was diagnosed with a terminal illness quite some time ago- she just hasn't died, but become severely disabled instead.

Gibbon, me and my DH don't need the money at all, the only thought i had when he told me was that it could make our child/ren future more stable, ie, they could buy their own houses etc.
we take him everywear on weekends, we go on train journeys and national parks, go to see his home town, and during the week, i take him into town for a wonder round the shops, have a coffee and a chat etc, so i don't think he holds on to money, he spends quite freeley, im know he is happy, as we spend a lot of time with him, and nothing made him happier than us having DS, he dotes on him.

like i said before, i am aware it may not happen at all, he may choose to change his mind, but its nice knowing what he wanted anyway

YANBU at all, and I'm just like you fwiw.

I work in the area and I think it's daft for posters here to carry on as if the death of your FIL will be a huge tragedy that will overshadow any inheritance.

When old people die, it is sad but it is not usually tragic imo. We are all born, we all die. It's nature. You will miss him dearly of course but how lovely that you might have a windfall. Presumably he's had a great, full life. Do other posters think that the FIL may in fact live forever and cheat death?

They are two separate issues - love for your FIL, and taking a natural pleasure in daydreaming about something that may be coming your way.

You don't sound in the slightest bit mercenary to me, and I have no idea that all the frothing is about anonymity either, I've seen much worse stuff posted on here, with much more identifiable detail.

It's human nature OP. I reckon most people think about it from time to time.

I think some of the comments are a bit pofaced ( not you pofaced).

I think unless you are wealthy it is nigh on impossible notto ponder the sensation of having a lump sum.
I think the feeling is natural and the accompanying feeling of guilt is natural too.

It does not mean you care for him less, nor that you are wanting him gone.

When my DH and I sat down to work out our wills etc I was at how much i get if he snuffs it . But i won't book a party or anything....

As long as the two are not connected thoughts I think it is possible to love someone/care about someone and still be about getting an inheritance.

All of us planning to leave money to those we love want them to be happy to get it don't we? As long as we don't find them standing over us in the night or anything...

Good point pag. I'm sure we all plan to leave something to somebody, and for them to be delighted to get it.

It sounds as if he has months to live so no IHT planning is going to work. In fact the issue might be how can any sane person choose to hand 40% to the state when they neednot if they plan. IHT Is a voluntary tax on the stupid really. Anyway the estate may be well under the limit.

I suppose my real question if why should it be the poster;s money at all. Her husband is going to inherit some money. He might choose to spend it on 4 mistresses or put it in trust for the children. Why should the wife spend a penny of it? She isn't being left the money. This 2010. We should earn our own money not get it from husbands and fathers in law.

YANBU unless you are actually putting a John Lewis list together

He is lucky to have you, you are doing an amazing job.

I think you are doing a great job in caring for your FIL. Pat on back. You're not caring for him BECAUSE you'll inherit, you're doing it anyway because you care.

I think it's only natural to think about it. As you've said it's about securing your future, not spending it on flash cars and world cruises. Don't we all worry about pensions etc? I know I do.

A long time ago my mum started talking about leaving her flat to me. She told me I've got to keep it as the rent will be my pension. I don't expect it because of whole care home scenario. BUT my as my pension is now worth less than the amount I've saved in, I can't but help thinking about it. In some ways, I wish she'd never said it.

lol MP.

My gran is the opposite - if I say I like anything in her house she says cheerfully 'Oh you'll be getting that when I'm gone'.

Most old people I know are more than happy to talk about death and inheritances all day long, in fact some of them are obsessed with it. They aren't silly and squeamish like some on this thread who seem to think that death won't actually happen to their loved ones.

Oh it does make me laugh, the spend while you're alive and live for today comments.
How do people think the rich have always got richer and hold onto their assets ? By planning their inhertiance well in advance.
If all I have to show for my time on this earth is a pile of photo's of the latest cruise, what a waste.

When thinking like this, you're focusing on the money and the opportunities/luxuries it will allow - not dwelling on your FIL's death and what that would actually mean to your family. It's pretty normal to single something out like that and not look at the wider context. If you were actually contemplating your FIL's death in a positive way, that would be different...but it seems to me that you are simply aware that you will probably inherit some money and that that money may have a positive effect - which is what your FIL would wish for, I'm sure.

I was 21 when my father died and, you know, grief works in very strange ways. The day after it happened I quite excitedly bought A LOT of clothes online, knowing (as an only daughter and him having no partner/wife) that I would be inheriting a significant lot. Looking back, it's obvious I was trying to take the edge off my grief. I could not begin to comprehend what had happened and seemed to be burying myself in any positive I could find in the situation. I felt terrible and guilty afterwards and, actually, my inherited money has some slightly negative connotations for me - I don't spend it with a clear conscience or a sense of entitlement.