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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or relationships? About a cars....

69 replies

SexyDomesticatedDad · 23/02/2010 15:23

About 10 months ago bought a MLC type car - not new but low milage and bit of a wow car. DW at the time not too keen on the reg (BJxxxxxx) and at the time had 2nd thoughts. Now she loves going out but seems to have gone off driving it a bit (was not too happy when she dropped it off the curb once) - OK AIBU on that - just asked her to be more careful.

Anyway - had to go to dealers to sort out a minor error message and got chatting tot he salesperson that sold me the car - said they had some very good deals and could do a trade up at little change to the monthly cost. In principle it was all OK, new car with bigger engine, more toys BUT not in preferred colour. Managed to find something close and agreed to swap.

Asked DW to pick the new Reg number from list and DW was non too happy about why needed to swap etc. Its not directly a money issue as I pay for all of it.

So should it have been a nice surprise or should DW have agreed the swap and the colour too??

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/02/2010 15:26

It is still kind of a money issue. You say 'I pay for all of it' but I assume you are married with kids? Are you well-off enough for trading up to make absolutely no difference to the amount of money you can spend on other things?

I am one of those people who drive cars until they die, have never really understood 'trading up'...

Original poster
SexyDomesticatedDad · 23/02/2010 15:30

Yes - makes no difference financially (may even be slight better off as the MPG is better!).

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 23/02/2010 15:31

I think for major items in everyday use, consultation with the partner is always the way to go.

She'll probably get used to the colour etc., but will be entitled to mention the whole business when you are making future cock ups errors of judgement.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/02/2010 15:32

Yes but it sounds like the sort of car that will depreciate like a bastard. You say 'monthly cost' - is it on credit then?

When you say no difference financially - do you have a mortgage? Credit card bills? Those are priorities over getting a flasher car

clam · 23/02/2010 15:34

YABU. Not for wanting to swap/trade up/whatever, but a car is a major family purchase, whatever your income and whoever's going to be driving it. So I would expect to be involved in the decision, not have it presented to me as a fait accompli.

minipie · 23/02/2010 15:34

Erm, seems a bit odd to me that you are going out and finding these cars without discussing with DW first. I know you say "a nice surprise" which in theory is sweet but really I think cars are a big enough decision that they ought to be discussed first rather than treated as presents. Unless you are rolling in moolah and can buy cars on a whim.

I also agree with Brahms that it doesn't matter if you pay, since it's shared money now you're married, if you spend on this it will mean less on other things. Again, unless you are absolutely rolling.

So really I think YABabitU. Don't treat it as a decision you've made that DW isn't happy with, treat it as a discussion you've yet to have with DW.

TrillianAstra · 23/02/2010 15:37

She was mad to get so flustered baout the previous car saying 'BJ' on it.

What's MLC?

I think changing a car is something that should be discussed, at the very least mentioned before you sign anything.

Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 15:44

Ask yourself this question....

How would you feel if your DW came home and tells you she has made a major purchase (think new kitchen/bathroom or even TV/DVD/entertainment system).

She hasn't asked your opinion, hasn't asked whther you like it, hasn't asked whether you think there may be higher priorities for that money right now. She has just done it.

Wouldn't you be a bit peeved?

It isn't about asking permission, it shouldn't be about who's money it is (in a proper partnership).

It's about sharing the responsibilities and pleasures of family life.

Personally, if my DH did what you have done, I would be very cross indeed. I would feel unappreciated, as if my opinions/feelings didn't count.

clam · 23/02/2010 15:46

Hang on... just noticed the number plate bit.
You seriously had a number plate with BJ on it?
What kind of w*** are you?

TrillianAstra · 23/02/2010 15:51

All new plates are (for example) AB58 ABC.

B-something indicates that the vehicle was registered in Birmingham.

Would you seriously not buy a car because the registration was BJsomething?

Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 15:51

Trillian - Mid Life Crisis.

Original poster
SexyDomesticatedDad · 23/02/2010 15:54

Seriously the number plate was on the car as is its NOT a private plate- just happended to be BJ 5x Vxx - didn't even give a thought to the reg until someone at the garage giggled as I had to give the reg over (fuel card system). Hence why wanted DW to pick out the reg from the given list.

The car is already on HP, no other loans, debts (mortgage will be paid off in 3yrs) - before the car is fully paid out. We have a joint account for all our monies and always have.

We are trying to agree what colour to have the carpet in lounge and been through loads of samples....DW will get to choose her next car.

OP posts:
Chellesgirl · 23/02/2010 15:57

BJ means Birmingham...bla bla wherever its made. lol. see here www.newreg.co.uk/dvla-number-plate-identifiers/
haha I think those plates are classic! would never drive one myself though. would love to see DP drive one tho bet all the gay men would flock!

anyways...I think it was rude of you to change the car without asking her.
My DP loves cars and buys a new one every 6 months! I drive also and he bought me my last car...but he always calls me first to discuss, he knew that if he didnt he would get slaughtered..now with little things like the subs (oh dear) and the new stereo, blabla...he sometimes if he knows he has spare cash will go buy them then call me and tell me about it (and he keeps the reciept just incase lol.

Once he bought an £80 coat when we were extremenly skint and in thousands of debt and I screwed as he never asked me..we had like £30 quid to last us the week! I think he learnt from that.

Chellesgirl · 23/02/2010 15:59

oh and you should def let her choose the colour of the carpet!

Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 16:01

"DW will get to choose her next car"

Well, that's a relief then .

You don't get it, do you ????

In an equal relationship, one partner doesn't just come home and say "oh by the way darling, I'll be picking up my new car next month".

In an equal relationship, one partner may come home and say "I've seen a new car I'd like, I think we can afford it ok, what d'you think?"

OK, she'll get to choose her next car. And you will be happy to have NO input at all in that decision ????

I bet not.....

claw3 · 23/02/2010 16:04

Have i got this right, DW has her own car and you have your own car?

TrillianAstra · 23/02/2010 16:04

Thanks ClumsyMum.

I see it as the OP wanted to "fix" the fact that he upset her by getting a car that said BJ but just went about it poorly.

You;d have got way more brownie points if you'd said that because you knew it made her unhappy you'd spoken to the man at the garage and persuaded him to let you have a good deal on another car, and asked her if she wanted to come look etc.

Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 16:09

claw - what's wrong with that? I have my car, dh has his. Doesn't mean we don't drive each other's now and then, but predominantly, he drives the peugeot, I drive the renault. I thought most 2 car families worked that way..

If we change one tho' we do choose together..

Chellesgirl · 23/02/2010 16:10

haha he is so not gonna be in her good books for a loooooong time!

the only thing you can do know sexydomesticateddad is to pull off some real 'sexy' moves in the bedroom - if, i say if, she allows you back into bed.

claw3 · 23/02/2010 16:12

Clumsymum, nothing wrong with it, just trying to clarify as it wasnt clear in the op.

Original poster
SexyDomesticatedDad · 23/02/2010 16:15

Yes, we are a multi car family (DS1 is now learning in DW car) - suppose I knew that DW would not have agreed to swap the car so soon but when you look at the whole package it makes sense (to me - anyway!!) - maybe I should have let the salesman convince DW

OP posts:
MrsJohnDeere · 23/02/2010 16:17

Goodness, I had to read this twice to check you weren't my dh who did something very similar with cars a few months ago.

I think you had good motives and thought it would be a nice surprise, but YABVU for not taking account of dw's feelings or consulting her before agreeing to change cars.

Maybe the colour is hideous (my dh is attracted to the most awful colours with cars), maybe she doesn't want a more powerful engine?

Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 16:21

Ah.. so you did the deal without asking her because you knew she wouldn't agree with you ???

I don't know about MLC, it's more a 'boys toys ' issue, isn't it?

Look mate, you might as well admit it. You have got yourself in hot water about this, I guess you came on here in the hope that you could show your DW "Look love, all these people on this forum think I did the right thing".

She'll get over it (probably). But it was a daft thing to do, and you will have lots of work to do to show that you do have some respect and regard for her. I just wonder if you do have some respect and regard for her ....

Original poster
SexyDomesticatedDad · 23/02/2010 16:23

carpet

OP posts:
Clumsymum · 23/02/2010 16:23

BTW, you didn't answer my question ....

How would you feel if she made a major purchase for the household without mentioning it to you first ??

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