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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being annoyed that my children are not invited to a wedding?

88 replies

completelyshotpelvicfloor · 22/02/2010 22:48

I live in a little cul de sac with a grassy area out front. My neighbour of a long time is getting married would like to get married on the green. She asked us all to sign something to say that we didn't mind her using the green (and I don't). Her engagement party was there and it was fab.

Just got the save the date card and it says that there will only be children of the immediate family there (ie god sons, cousins etc) which basically means that the neighbours children (including mine) are not invited.

This will cause problems as the only way to our house is via the green so there is no way that I can pretend to my DS and DD that nothing is going on.

I am being unreasonable in being annoyed?

OP posts:

TottWriter · 22/02/2010 23:36

YANBU. It's all very well getting people to sign on the line so she could have her dream wedding, but she wasn't exactly honest with you, was she.

She should have said upfront that there would be no local children. Seems to me like she deliberately left it quiet so that everyone would sign.

Are there any other young children in your cul-de-sac who will be affected by this? What do your neighbours think?

Also, I would certainly protest by (at the least) not going along. Tell her straight that with a breastfeeding baby, and two young children who would be able to see everyone else having a party without them, she has more than effectively excluded you anyway.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 22/02/2010 23:39

normally i would say Yes you are but in this sort of situation, maybe not. Its common space, and what is she going to do to stop others coming? I wouldnt go and i would tell her why too, cheeky moo

Casmama · 22/02/2010 23:45

I think she is being a bit cheeky to be honest. To basically tell you that your children cannot be on a piece of land that you part own because you allowed her to use the land for her wedding seems pretty unreasonable to me. Normally I think it is reasonable not to invite kids to weddings but I think she has been unfair and misled you.
I think I would have a chat with her and say that you will be unable to attend despite having really looked forward to it and explain your reasons to her. Maybe when put forward like that she will realise that she is being unreasonable and change her view.

maryz · 22/02/2010 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pikelit · 23/02/2010 00:08

My opinion of not inviting children to the 3-ring circuses that weddings seem to have turned into are as tedious as they are ferocious.

But no matter how much the "Its UR weddin, hun" brigade might squawk, this particular event is happening on communal land. The bride can't say who may or may not choose to use it. Having had to get agreement from everyone in the cul de sac it is mightily taking the piss to send invites that ban children from being somewhere they are entitled to be anyway!

I wouldn't actually make a huge fuss now. But I'd certainly see whether attitudes change nearer to the time. Otherwise I can see a game of communal cricket being a perfectly reasonable accompaniment to this wedding.

sunnydelight · 23/02/2010 04:19

I'm normally of the "it's their wedding, get over yourself" view when it comes to children not being invited, but the logistics of this one does put people in a difficult situation. As others have said, it is still common land, even if you have agreed to her using it for her wedding and it's unreasonable on her part to expect everyone to keep their kids in for the day while there's a party going on outside their window where they normally play.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/02/2010 04:51

The fact she didn't mention that no children were invited when she got you to sign would annoy me. I think I'd say that as they are not invited and it is DS's birthday you won't be able to come as you'll be doing a birthday celebration for him. Then get on with doing whatever you would usually do on his birthday even if that would be having friends round.

I think she's been quite cheeky really and am usually of the opinion that if children aren't invited then it's fine. It's the not saying at the beginning and expecting them to be kept in the house whilst there is a big party outside their front door that would get to me.

ben5 · 23/02/2010 05:21

yanbu when you said you were happy for her to use the space and she said you'll be invited. i would thought it included my children to. i wouldnt go saying you were unable to get a babysitter but your kids will be playing outside and you'll see them!!!!!!!!!!

probono · 23/02/2010 05:57

mm, totally yanbu, you were nice about the common area, she should be nice about the children

probono · 23/02/2010 05:59

what a load of rubbish she is to do this

don't buy her a present

Littlefish · 23/02/2010 06:52

YABU.

It's one day for goodness sake. For one day, could your children play somewhere else? For one day, could you explain to them that it's not possible to play on the green. For one day, could you be generous and happy that she's going to have a lovely wedding in a familiar place.

Lucyellensmumma · 23/02/2010 07:50

YANBU the woman is a lunatic! She wants to commandeer the "green" and then she says only children of immediate family allowed

People have every right to exclude children from weddings for lots of reasons, keeping numbers within venue requirements was teh reason my friend gave, i had a 1 year old so sadly couldnt go But this is a public space - by choosing to have her wedding here it indicates to me that she is choosing a community event? or is it because she doesnt have to pay and she is a tightwad on a budget.

Ask her to clarify, perhaps she only wants immediate family children at the actual ceremony which i can sort of understand and most children would rather pull out their own teeth than attend the ceremony, they just want the naff disco and party food afterwards - could she mean that? She is going to be bloody unpopular if she goes down this route are their other children in your cul-de-sac?

Why is it women think that suddenly they are the most important human being on the planet just because its their wedding day?

mylifemykids · 23/02/2010 08:09

Were you not going to have a birthday party for your DS at home...with all your relatives, his little friends and a few of your DD's friends thrown in for good measure? All traipsing across the green to get to your house?

OK I realise that's petty but it's the sort of evil plan that would go through my head (I wouldn't follow it through!) I think maybe going out for the day and night for your son's birthday, with an explanation to the bride as to why you wont be there, is probably the best thing to do.

sandcastles · 23/02/2010 08:21

See it as a chance to have a day/night out without the children.

Really don't understand why people get so annoyed when this happens.

Lulumaam · 23/02/2010 08:26

regardless of where the wedding is taking place, she can choose how many children if any she wants to invite. your children could go to a friend's/ relatives house for the day, or you could get someone to sit with them in the house

i can't beleive people are suggesting letting them traipse across the green to teach her a lesson!!

if it annoys you that much, decline th invite and go out for the day

if she is having hte party on the green, it would suggest she cannot afford much in the way of a do, hence, not being able to cater for lots of children

perhpas you ought to say something to her?

or just decline

BendyBob · 23/02/2010 08:32

Hmm yes argee with sunnydelights post. Yanbu.

Usually I'd say yabu, but this is different. It's right outside your house and part of where you live.

What an unusual location. Are there not all the usual (inevitably endless) rules and regs to be approved wrt using common ground? Other than asking the neighbours if they mind.

diddl · 23/02/2010 08:36

If you´ve agreed to her using for her wedding,does that mean for that period of time it is as if it is private and only invited people areallowed on it?

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/02/2010 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlauerEngel · 23/02/2010 08:46

OP, if she had been upfront about the 'no kids' rule when she asked your permission, what what do you think your reaction would have been? Would you have accepted her terms, gone yourself, and made arrangements for your children to play elsewhere for the day (but negotiated an exemption for the bf baby). Would you have let her have the land, but all gone away for the day? Or would you have explained the problems and denied permission for her to use communal land if she hadn't changed her view?

If you think you would have done either the first or second options, then do so anyway. If you would have chosen the third you need to go to her and explain that you feel misled. Perhaps she will change her mind at that point. It is simply a fact that she cannot prevent you or your dcs from using the land at any point.

I do generally find the no children rule at bridezilla weddings infuriating and silly, but of course I would go along with it generally if that's what the bridezilla wished (and have done so on one occasion when it worked well to leave DD1 with my mother for the day). But that wedding was being held on private land. I seriously don't see why you should go so far out of your way to accommodate this woman when you have done her a big favour already. It is up to her to do you a favour by inviting your kids as well. Remind her of that.

minxofmancunia · 23/02/2010 09:06

Hmm I'm usually of the yabu opinion on this one. We had a child free wedding as we didn't want to use up guest numbers on 20 children (excepting babies) and well, we wanted to be an adult affair.

But, given the logistics it does seem a bit unfair. Although IMO the wedding couple ARE the most important people on their day and their wishes should be respected.It's a difficult one.

Overall the though I think YABU, their wedding, their choice.

Totally understand why people don't want loads of highchairs and pushchairs at their wedding. Also think it's extremely rude when despite being told no children parents turn up with their toddlers anyway complete with highchair that get shoved in on a table of adult guests. Parents then procedd to get drunk whilst frantically pushing toddler round venue in a buggy trying to get them to sleep. Apart from our wedding every other wedding we've been to that's had a no children rule this has happened.

Bloody rude IMO, and v awkward for the wedding couple explaining to the other guests who've bothered to arrange childcare.

coralanne · 23/02/2010 09:10

How old is DS? If he is still being breastfed I don't think he will care one way or the other if he is there or not.

Can't you get someone to babysit him and duck home if he needs feeding.

DD5 is another matter altogether. Presumably she knows neighbour quite well.

I think it is cruel of neighbour not to invite 5 year old. She's old enought not to require any special catering needs. i.e.high chair etc.

If they are worried about the food, tell her you will take her own bag of goodies for her.

5 year olds love these kind of functions and I I think she would be absolutely shattered to have to stay inside her home and listen to all the fun going on in the green,especially if there are other children tthere.

I agree that you have to go out for the day so she doesn't know what is going on.

noktok · 23/02/2010 09:12

This is a shared front garden and you have said the wedding can go ahead on it. It still belongs to you so she has essentially banned your DD from her own garden! She is also really constructively banned from her own house if she is old enough to want to join in, but young enough not to get the concept of family only children being present.

The bride is being unreasonable, but you mustn't fall out with your neighbours. I am concerned that if you go out all day to get the kids out of the way, then you will miss the wedding and she will feel that was a snub. I would try and send DD to grandparents or similar for the day so that you can attend the wedding.

I really hate pandering to other people's demands, but I think you have to in this case because they are your neighbours and you need not to fall out with them if at all possible.

nickytwotimes · 23/02/2010 09:13

Yanbu.
Pathetic to not invite kids who can see the wedding from their window fgs.

BendyBob · 23/02/2010 09:14

Are they saving lots of money by using this as a venue? You do sort of get what you pay for. And exclusive use of somewhere costs money.

I guess if she's paid for the exclusive use of the space (to the council? gosh I wouln't know how to hire out a communual space like that) then I guess she can, in theory, say yay or nay to who is there on the day.

It does all seem a mighty fine way to upset you neighbours though. Nope..I still think she's being U.

BendyBob · 23/02/2010 09:16

Btw, that's the bride being unreasonable there imho, not the OP, just to clarify.

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