parenting pet peeves...

[bubbleymummy]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I just don't care - I have to vent somewhere after a weekend of smiling and nodding and keeping my mouth shut!

Here is a list of 'parenting' traits that I absolutely hate!

Giving babies sugar - dessert/pudding/biscuits/cake - they do not need it - they are not missing anything and they are the reason that your child is already overweight!

Shovelling food into tiny babies, scooping it up and shoving it back in when the baby's tongue pushes it out while discussing the baby's excema, constipation, tummy upsets etc

Giving toddlers fizzy drinks such as Coke and letting them run madly around before screaming at them and complaining about how badly behaved they are.

Giving children calpol because it's been a 'long day' or because they have a slight sniffle or even a hint of a temperature or just because 'they like the taste'!.

controlled crying / cry it out - I hate this at any stage but I DESPISE it in children under 6 months. I don't care if your child has been sleeping through since 5 weeks - it is bloody cruel!

and breathe....

Ok feel free to flame me or alternatively add your own pet peeves!

Disclaimer : I by no means consider myself to be a perfect parent and I could fill several threads with my own parenting flaws.

Jamieandhismagictourch - safer. I just go through the list the others have made and say - OOh yes, thats awful or I do that, its fine etc. etc. etc. Much safer!

It's a bit pain in the butt when the two parents have differing views about these things; then it is very difficult to judge inside. And, ime, judging on the outside nearly always leads to an argument or the other making you see that you really are being silly to be bothered about it in the first place!

Ooh. There's something you can all judge me about then. We have a small tv in ds1s bedroom. It's not hooked up to tv channels but if he still hasn't settled after his story at night and we have things we need to do we will allow him to watch a Disney DVD in bed. He's usually asleep 30 mins in but it keeps him in bed! . it's been a lifesaver this week while we've been putting our mortgage application together! See - not claiming to be perfect or an expert- just venting about the things that bother me. I'm sure I'll come across a lot more over the years too!

we have a widescreen in every room and they are on 24 hrs a day feeding the best that sky has to offer and our family is tip top apart from the behavioural issues, the screaming, the swearing, violence and non stop disobedience and fighting.

ok ok ok....Im leaving ;)

Chellesgirl - the dses sometimes watch a dvd on the computers in their bedrooms, but generally only on non-school nights. Ds3 listens to story cds to help him fall asleep at nights - like your dc, he falls asleep quite quickly, and Stephen Fry burbles on to himself until one of us goes and switches him off. It might be worth trying story cds with your ds - and I think it's a good way to get them familiar with some good stories.

Ds3 started with The Owl Who Was Afraid Of The Dark, read by Maureen Lipman, if I recall correctly, and also has some Famous Five on cd, some Terry Pratchett and a lot of Harry Potter.

Well I must really annoy you then:

Both of mine have had sugar from a under 1 years but in moderation. I personally don't think anything should be banned. Admittedly DC1 had sugar, etc alot later than DC2. Once DC2 came along it was very difficult to give to one without the other (at least after a certain age).

I have the TV quite alot at the moment due to the weather but like to think I balance it with activities, etc. They like TV and I can only do so much paper cutting and clearing up of paint before I go stark raving mad.

Tried crying it out from desperation and exhaustion but I was too weak to carry it through.

Never given the DCS fizzy drinks but they do have the odd fruit shoot and at least one cup of additive laden squash a day.

Shovelling food? I did a combination of BLW and spoon feeding to both of mine. Don't recall any shovelling.

Calpol. Give it when they need it. Personally I am not of the view it aids sleep unless pain is keeping the child awake in the first place so not much point giving it unless in pain. Probably have given it when they didnt really need it when I wasnt sure what the problem was but try not too.

The only 'parenting trait' that gets my goat is people being so judgey. We are all trying our best as parents and apart from the obvious there are no strict rights or wrongs.

stayingdavid its a good idea and the music CD's used to work a treat (you know the classical ones by pampers?) but since she has been in her own room fully (was around 1yr i think) she cant have a sound/any light whatsoever/anyone near her... I put her down, with her hot choc, put her blanket over her, turn out the light, and say 'night night, mommy loves you' and leave it at that. Within half an hour or less after singing herself to sleep or practicing speaking in sentences shes sound asleep and you aint waking her with thunder! (and im gonna kick myself here) she sleeps 10-12 hrs a night straight.

(she says touching the computer desk) 'please dont wake tonight sweetheart'.

Ooh, stayingdavid, what story CDs have Stephen Fry and where can I get them?

feelingsensitive, your LO's will be just fine. Most kids will. I have a lot of friends who are parents, and we all do things differently. All that matters is that we love our children and do our best for them most days. If you're not outright harming your children, then you're doing fine.

Good enough is good enough! (My personal mantra.)

Stephen Fry has read all the Harry Potter books, CY, and you ought to be able to get them from Amazon, or ebay.

HTH

i loved story tapes - as they were then when i was little. i was delighted to see lately that waterstones have a truckload of story cds. i am looking forward to getting the jungle book ones (proper, not that disney shite) for dd when shes big enough

Thanks, david. I love his voice and will look those up right away.

People who say "We are all doing what is best for our babies" - I'm sorry but CC/ CIO is not the best thing for your baby - it may result in the outcome YOU want but it is NOT good for your baby.

Sorry - I feel really strongly about this because I do know someone who used CC from 5 weeks and that was her response to my suggestions that the baby was a bit young and that if she gave it a few weeks she would probably be settling a bit better. As far as she was concerned, the baby was trying to manipulate her and she needed to 'teach' it from the start.

So no, I do not believe that we all do what is best for our babies and have their best interests at heart - I think sometimes people are downright selfish and don't take the baby's needs into consideration at all in some aspects of their parenting.

Oh and 'happy mummy, happy baby' is NOT always the case either!

I've always taken the babies needs into consideration in every aspect of parenting.

During night feeds I've always palmed off the baby onto DW who is,frankly, the one that baby is wanting when crying and so dutifully have usually let DW get up with baby during the night to save all the hassle of me getting up then DW settling then DW having to get up again after baby has subsequent crying fit.

It makes sense and it's win win.Baby gets what baby wants,DW gets to spend quality time with baby and I have got to feel fully involved with all the aspects of parenting.....it puts some of these modern dads to shame that's for sure

Oh FFS bubbleymummy, just because you knew someone who used CC for a 5 week old (which I agree is appalling) doesn't mean you get to make leaps of logic that it is Always Bad For Every Child Ever In Every Circumstance.

A dear friend of mine had a daughter who just couldn't get herself back to sleep. By 2 years old, she was still waking every half an hour, even when co-sleeping. She had bags under her eyes, she was lethargic, she was falling behind on developmental milestones, her parents were going mad with sleep deprivation, the whole family was disintegrating.

They used CC. It took 20 minutes the first night, 7 minutes the second night, she slept through from then on and started eating properly/being active during the day/etc.

It was good for her. It's a different case. See how that works?

bubbleymummy what is your profession? Are you some sort of authority on sleep training?

I agree cc on 5 week old, shocking but a child with sleep problems can literally rip a family apart. Not all parents (quite rightly imo) want to "co-sleep" with bloody good reason.

The reality is most parents don't undertake sleep training lighly and usually do cc as a last resort when other methods have been unsuccessful

It's a total myth that some children always slpeep through eventually, I'm really sorry to say this but quite a few don't they need to be taught. A lot do obviously but more don't than you'd realise. We get a lot of referrals for sleep difficulties for over 5s (work in CAMHS) and guess what, they nearly all without exception co-slept! One of the Consultant Psychiatrist regretes to this day not doing sleep training with one of her dds (age 6 still wakes the whole family up every night, tired and lethargic at school). She wishes she'd done it before the age of 2.

All the child psychiatrists and psychologists I know through work support the idea of sleep training after the age of 6 months if neccessary. They are all also v knowlegable about attachment/bonding and the like.

I don't think you really know what you're talking about when you make these sweeping generalisations.

I disagree. CC may be A solution but it is not the ONLY solution to sleep problems. I think the real problem is parent's sleep expectations and impatience. I also totally disagree that children need to be taught how to sleep - IMO that is total rubbish. Babies know how to sleep from before they are born for goodness sake. If something changes this then that is the problem that needs to be addressed - not just covering it up by leaving them to it (regardless of how many minute intervals you leave) Sleep training is training a baby to conform to a parent's expectations of sleep and IMO this is not always the best thing for the baby. Disagree all you want - this is my opinion and I don't need to be trained as a psychologist to express it

FWIW there is plenty of research out there showing that cc can be damaging and even Ferber himself is not happy about the way people are applying his methods...

Friends of mine almost ended up getting divorced - a major factor in this was that their DD had sleep problems and the mum refused to/was unable to do sleep training.
Once the sleep problem was improved, mum dad, DD and her brother were sleeping and mum and dad had their bed back, a lot of their other problems became less significant.

Family breakup is generally regarded as being bad for children, but according to you, they should have just carried on as they were!

A baby is PART of the family unit not the sole focus of it. Long term co-sleeping and child sleep probs can be very damaging to the paren will parents relationship. Divorce/separation is more harmful emotionally to children than sleep training, fact.

bubbleymummy at no point did I say that cc was the only solution to sleep probs, I actually said a lot of parents use it as a last resort after OTHER METHODS HAVE FAILED. Please read my post properly.

I agree babies can sleep, but sometimes they can't self settle, obviously they can't be expected to do this straight away but some manage it on their own eventually, some don't and they need to be taught. Some babies wkae up very regularly and are unable to soothe themselves back to sleep, if parents constantly provide some sort of prop by always rocking/patting them etc.etc. Because parents refuse to help their child by teaching them to self settle they set the child up for long term sleep problems and also effectively imprison themselves because of their refusal to sleep train their child. I'm talking about 1+ year olds here btw not little babies.

I've worked with 12 and 13 year olds who can't self settle and who's Mums still share a room/bed with them. This is v v hard to remedy. The parents relationship is usually in pieces.

If a Dad allows himself to be pushed out of the marital bed by his child taking his place then more fool him. Some Dads may grudgingly accept it but the majority I've met in rl are pretty pissed off about it.

LE Queen, that is horrific - 5 months! My DS didn't sleep 7 hours until he was 2. What you are describing isn't CC either it's CIO which is even worse and I don't think ANYONE recommends that method - especially under 6 months.

Small clanger, I am not saying don't address the sleep problems. Of course sleep loss causes problems and it should be addressed - I just don't agree with CC being used - especially for babies. There ARE other solutions/methods which don't necessarily involve co-sleeping either.

I never did CC with DS and he gradually learned to fall asleep by himself. With DD, I eventually came to the conclusion that by sitting with her/cuddling her/doing any of the things I had done with DS I was actually stopping her getting to sleep. She was about 9m when I steeled myself to do CC - and it worked within a few days. She is 3 now, and although she wants Mummy to "snuggle with her" when she goes to bed, after about 5 mins she gets bored and tells me to go downstairs and come back in a little while (by which time she is always asleep). Different children need different approaches. End of.

minx, you may well see some extreme cases but I would love to see proper evidence that suggests that soothing your child to sleep will cause long term damage. 'refuse to teach them to self settle', 'refusing to sleep train' this suggests that you feel it is the ONLY method that will work. Children will sleep through when they are ready and forcing them to do so earlier by using CC/CIO IMO is cruel. People always moan about children being forced to read/write before they are ready but forcing them to soothe themselves to sleep before they are ready is acceptable?

Which methods then Bubbley? It sounds to me as if you are suggesting not addressing the problem - leaving it until it solves itself (or not, as the case may be) isn't a method.

I suspect that many of us discussing this here were babies when CC was recommended and widespread, and we probably have a whole range of sleep patterns.