Porn

[Bubbles01]

Am I being unreasonable for getting upset that my husband keeps looking at porn?

This has been an upsetting thread and I have a completely different perspective on this issue from having read what people have said.

What concerns me is that while I have been able to post on this thread, I am not sure that I could have a conversation about pornography in real life, because I simply find it too distressing. I suspect there are other people who feel the same and I don't know how we can have a debate in society about this when many people would rather not know too much about what happens in pornography.

rose unless you have a tracker on your dc's you will not be able to 'stop' them seeing some sort of porn in thier teenage life...I mean take the t'v adds of girls in underwear where they say 'text 83000 and speak to linda' bla bla bla...
were just not going to be able to protect our children all the time from everything. So you have to teach your dc's respect for both sexes...if you give them enough trust and let them talk to you openly about subjects like this, you can inform them of thr truths behind it and they then have to make thier own judgment on what they will do/how they act. If you have brought your children up to be wise, respectful and caring you have done enough.
I would also limit internet sites...have them blocked, ask your sky provider if you have one to ( i have freeview so bit harder) stop all channels that relate to this matter...I think sky do a certain package that is full of erotica (i think thats what the channel is called actually) our children learn from example...my mum never watched anything like porn...nor did my dad until they divorced then he was constantly at it...made me feel sick and this is one reason why I feel so degraded by it. I mean, my dad ffs...watching someones daughter do narsty stuff...yet hes got three dds at home. I sure know I dont want DP to be sharing nothing like that in our home..dd is not going to have it in her life while she is living in our home (trust me!) nothings a secret in our home def when it comes to children...if we have raised her well enough I hope she can look away from it and see herself as a decent young woman.

I had a long chat with DS about it. One of the reasons exH is ex is what I found he had been up to on the computer for a long time, not just porn, but lots of contact with third parties, profiles posted on hookup sites, etc. He had a gobsmacking double life going on, all made possible by the wonder that is the internet. Finding it all out really opened my eyes to what there is out there, and how it can all be accessed so easily.

I focused on peer pressure, the idea that he knows deep down the difference between right and wrong, the idea that someone would treat his sisters or other female relatives the way women are treated in pornography, the wrongness of the idea that girls and women are put on earth for anyone else's (boys' or mens') use or entertainment or whatever. I asked him to always try to put himself in the other person's shoes and reminded him that girls and women are 'other persons' even if he gets an idea from peers or anywhere else that they are just 'other'. I told him that no little girl wants to grow up and become a prostitute or perform sex acts for a camera and director, any more than the idea would have crossed his mind as a young boy. We also talked about how the bahaviour of girls at parties, etc., is no excuse for any boy to take advantage or show disrespect in any way -- it was a really, really long talk.

We have gone over the subject since then a few times as other things have come up and the reality of parties, locker room talk, driving and increased freedom, drinking, etc. have become part of his life. We are Catholics and the religious/ moral aspect of the question has been discussed too (despite or maybe because of the abuse of power in the Catholic church, which was a good object lesson in how men should not behave).

thats what im talking about math ...you seem like you have it all under control its really good to hear religion still plays a part in peoples lives nowadays...as a christian today I find it pretty hard to find other chrstians that havent been taken over by the 'modern' christian concept without having to go to church...where in my church you def couldnt have a normal convo about porn...so its nice to be able to hear your views and morrals and the fact you are open enough with your ds is really comforting to me and prob other mums out there who feel the same way. I hope ur post helps the others who want to know how to deal with thier dc's an insight math.

Well, I have actually been concerned that anyone would think I was implying RCs have the morals market cornered after my last post . The religious part of it came in as I asked DS to reflect on what 'sacred' means in the context of relationships.

I feel like someone else said on here...Iv taken part in the debate and my views are still the same Iv been a porn hater since I was of an age I knew it excisted,its utterly degrading to females fall stop....but how many of us could stand up for what we belive in say if we were at a party and it came up...guaranteed you would be the only one and everyone would look at you as if you were from the dark ages...others would agree but to save face would not speak up and back others so as not to be the odd one out....so why is it we cant openly say what we belive to other people

pebbles i think its more to do with the fact that the subject 'porn' is such a massive industry and that many people out there like some MNers, support it...we as the ones who dislike it are the minority??? (though it actually seems pretty clear that on MN were not the minority - but then were all women who are saying we dislike it) Therefore if we were to speak up, like you said we would just get told to 'stop being old fashioned' or 'get over it'. I also think its a confidence thing and I also think as people with this view are pretty private people about thier relationships in the bedroom, therefore speaking about your private life/morrals about sexual behaviour is a nono...Myself..well I would def speak up if it came into conversation...not many people who use orn are familiar with what actually goes on in the industry.

I think Chellesgirl is right. You are reluctant to speak up about porn at a party because you would be in the minority. People would consider you a prude. This is due to the culture we are currently living in. Little by little all standards of morality and decency are being undermined, as shown by the gratuitous violence, swearing and sex that we now see in movies. In the 1950s none of that existed, society did not allow it. The boundaries are now being constantly pushed. If you lived in the Victorian age, you would have felt comfortable expressing your views about porn and everybody would have agreeed with you. In those days anybody who was pro porn would have had to keep quiet. Society moves through cycles. At the moment religion and morality have been undermined and therefore porn and other destructive elements are in the ascendancy. But things will eventually change and in 100 years time the cycle will have been reversed and we will probably be back at something like Victorian times. At the moment you are swimming against the current, but eventually the tide will change.

I so hope so Claig, I so hope so.

A little naive to think that these things didn't go on in Victorian times or the 50's etc.

Early Hollywood was rife with Porn, sex and drugs, it was just kept well hidden from the "plebs" by the studio system. It was just as hideous as today's Porn film making.

Victrian "gentlemen" would trade pornographic postcards, it was every bit as graphic then as it is now. Child prostitution was widespread in Victorian London.

I hope to god we never go back to "Victorian values!"

yes it goes on throughout all ages, even in Roman times, but it did not infect society at large. It was restricted to certain elements of society, and in those days it was not as extreme as it is now. I hope we don't go back to Victorian values either, but I don't think that we actually have a lot of influence in what happens. I think that society goes through phases and we get swept along with the tide.

I think you need to get to the real heart of the problem. Why is there so much extreme porn available now? Why was the porn in the 1950s tame in comparison? What has happened? It is not the male consumers of porn that have changed. Most men will always be interested in looking at porn if it is available. The real question is why has the availability become so prevalent? Why has this been allowed? It is allied to the question of why have standards of decency declined? Why are Hollywood movies so full of expletives and shocking violence? Why was this not the case in movies of the 30s or 50s etc.? What has changed and why?

Claig...do you reckon its cause MEN are practically behind every business that operates porn and movies. Yes there are some female directors of Porn, but I somehow think that this is becuase they have grown up around it and thier parents must have been very 'open'.

Gordon Brown probably watches some porn dvds at the expense of the tax payer.

Chellesgirl excellent point I agree with you exactly.

dittany, you have a tendency to look at everything through the prism of misogyny. By doing this you are very likely to miss the big picture. Feminists are not a threat to male power, they are often used as pawns in the game. Gloria Steinem wrote a book explaining how her activities were funded by the CIA. The world is very complex, it is not a black and white issue of men vs women.

In a real patriarchy porn would be banned. In a real patriarchy porn barons would be jailed, since they are a threat to society. You would see a real patriarchy's purpose as to being only to control women, but it also seeks to protect women and children. In a male prison anybody who has harmed women or children is the lowest of the low and will be attacked by the other male prisoners. You cannot view everything in terms of men exploiting women.

The porn barons and other harmful forces have been given free rein, not in order to oppress women, but in order to undermine society.

I even go as far as to applaud the highlighted problems that were all over our news last week that the lady doctor bought to all our attention....such as lads mags at eye level in shops....Im 38 and am embarrased at them and FOR them and just dont feel comfortable seeing it so goodness knows how my 8 yr old feels at seeing huge fake melons on display....I dont want her to grow up to think this is the norm ....when I was a child it was always the top shelf....I just hate it but what will be done....yes it was on the news for a day and every time it was on I applauded the TV and punched my fist into the air....but like everything else will it be just swept under the carpet and continue

www.nytimes.com/2008/01/20/books/review/Glazer-t.html

I can't remember what her book is called, published in the last decade. I am showing you that you are wrong to think that those in real power are afraid of feminism. By focusing on misogyny I think you are not seeing the wood for the trees.

ok again we have to disagree. I agree that it does undermine women, and in so doing it also undermines society. That is why all cultures have always tried to restrict its spread. We are now living in an unusual time where it has free rein. We have yet to see what the end result of this will be.

I think that porn is a threat to society and that it's an expression of misogyny