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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think ignorance is bliss Re: cheating is a bit mad?

61 replies

BritFish · 21/02/2010 23:12

Was talking to a friend earlier today, she has a lovely man who adores her. We were discussing a soap [only occasional viewer, promise] and the subject of cheating.

Friend then said if someone was cheating on her, she'd rather find out herself or just be kept in the dark!

AIBU to think this is a horrendous attitude to cheating, 'what you dont know cant hurt you'

I'd certainly want to know!

what do you lot think?

another friend has mentioned it'd be 'embarassing' to find out from someone else.
surely not important in the grand scheme of it!

OP posts:

MrsMontague · 21/02/2010 23:15

I'm not sure. I don't think that in these cases it is always helpful to find out, especially if it is a one off and deeply regretted.

I know that if DH ever strayed, and he was deeply sorry and it was just a one off, I think I'd rather not know, and I think it is selfish to tell somebody about a one off just because of your own guilt - the guilt is the price you pay. However, if it was a full blown affair then obviously I would want to know.

I saw Valentines Day at the cinema the other day, and somebody in it says 'It's funny how one truth makes everything else a lie.'

I totally believe that.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 23:17

Same. Random shag, deeply regretted, never to be repeated - I don't want to know.

Longterm infidelity, taking time away from me - I would want to know so I could instruct my solicitor.

BelleDameSansMerci · 21/02/2010 23:22

I'm with Brahms and MrsM. Although, if I did find out about a random shag I'd probably apply some Ralgex to his underwear. Not that that there is a "him/his" at present.

Original poster

BritFish · 21/02/2010 23:24

ahhh maybe im a bit odd then. i'd want to know. because first i'd like to kill him, and then maybe, just maybe, id try and figure out why he strayed.
[ie, is he just an arsehole or are there issues running so deep he cant talk about them to me]

OP posts:

MrsMontague · 21/02/2010 23:30

Oh BritFish, you are not odd, if I did find out, I would be completely furious, however I think I would rather just not have the heartache.

LisaD1 · 22/02/2010 08:56

I would want to know.. so that I could make his life living hell until I thought he was really sorry!

Seriously, if my trust had been betrayed, even if it was a one off and deeply regretted, I would want to know so that I could decide what I wanted to do about it (stay together or not),I would not want that decision taken away from me by a cheating partner.

When I was younger my own parents saw my the fiance with another woman, kissing her as they left a pub together, while I was home ironing his shirts and he was at "football practice", they never told me until we split up approx 2yrs later when he left for the same woman!! Needless to say it not only ended my relationship with ex but my relationship with my parents has never fully recovered.

BigWeeHag · 22/02/2010 09:10

When my parents split up, literally dozens of people saw fit to tell my Mum then about my father's serial infidelity. Talk about kicking someone when they are down! I would want to know, regardless of circumstance, because any partner I have had has known from day one that lying about infidelity (not necessarily the act itself, but lying about it) is a deal breaker.

fernie3 · 22/02/2010 09:21

I would want to know, if it was a one off then it wouldnt mean I would want to leave but I would rather know. I think that ANY cheating has a story behind it and needs to be dealt with before both partners can move on.

Flightattendant · 22/02/2010 09:23

I'm not quite sure, i think it is sad to feel like that.

ALSO the thing that would freak me out is my partner's guilt. Guilt is there for a reason - I think - which is to make us own up. Feeling guilty/keeping something secret has a huge, huge impact on someone's mental state, and on the relationship and whole world you live in together. I would never want a partner to be feeling guilty and concealing something that made him feel like that...so damaging.

tethersend · 22/02/2010 09:35

The thing is, when we talk about 'not knowing' we are thinking about finding out later down the line, which isn't the idea.

True ignorance means not knowing, and not 'waiting to find out' as the question sort of implies.

You couldn't 'choose ignorance' in reality because once you know, you know. You can't 'unknow' it. Ask anybody if they want to know if their partner is having an affair, and they'll more than likely say yes, because the seed of the idea of infidelity has been planted; therefore the person is no longer ignorant of it IYSWIM.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 09:40

I did want to know and in future, would want to know.

I was one of the unlucky ones who was given an STI as a result of x's infidelity. Another good reason (aside from those related to sanity!) to feel knowing is preferable to not.

A man (or woman) who cares little enough to shag around is unlikely to care enough to think to protect his partner from physical nasties too.

eggontoast · 22/02/2010 09:44

If it was a one off and he totally regretted it and would never do it again - then I would prefer him to carry the guilt if he really wanted the relationship with me to last.

If he told me, I think I would find it harder to get over, probably never would.

eggontoast · 22/02/2010 09:47

he would have to 'deal' with the guilt and forgive himself, of course . But, I am talking in an ideal world kind of way. Best off if he never cheats!

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 09:49

egg, if he gave you an STI, would you prefer not to know that your health was at risk or do most people think to go for regular GUM check ups when in a long term and presumably monogamous relationship?

tethersend · 22/02/2010 09:50

But if you were ignorant of the infidelity, you would be ignorant of the guilt your partner felt...

Of course everyone would be happier being ignorant of their partner's infidelity!

I'm not explaining myself very well

ArcticFox · 22/02/2010 09:52

I would rather not know. I'm quite "realistic" about sexual fidelity and I just can't be bothered to sweat the small stuff.

It's weird, because in every other area of my life I am very much a "I can deal with it so long as I know about it" person.

However, I would be really angry if I discovered that DH had been completely indiscreet about it and half the city knew about it.

twopeople · 22/02/2010 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 10:07

twopeople, I have regular checks now despite the fact there really isn't a need to. It's a good habit and I'm mildly neurotic.

Before my experience, I trusted and although I had checks at the beginning and end of relationships (I've had a few LT ones and that's it), didn't whilst in a relationship.

Many of my friends don't consider it necessary while in a relationship.

twotimes · 22/02/2010 10:20

Tethersend i understand what you mean and I completely agree. This is something that i went through and unfortunately i was naive not to even consider it until my dh's friend "let it slip" (after we were married and I had a wee baby), that dh had been sleeping around literally up until the week we got hitched. If I hadn't known I wouldn't have suspected and everything would have just carried on.

Its as Montague says "one truth makes everything else a lie" once you find out you start dissecting everything about your history together and you just cannot get over it. However if it's a one night stand or whatever and you are told immediately by a grovelling partner, i reckon that would be easier to deal with because you can see the immediate guilt and you don't have the whole cover up to contend with, or the fact that everybody knows - which is an embarrassment that affects some people more than the crime itself.

in conclusion Ignorance is absolute bliss as long as you never ever find out.

twotimes · 22/02/2010 10:22

Eco mouse and twopeople i too have regular check -ups every year, even though I have been married for over 5 yrs. before that it was before and after each relationship or every six months (whichever came sooner )

tethersend · 22/02/2010 10:25

Exactly twotimes- because if you find out then you are no longer ignorant.

Thanks, can't get my words out today

TheButterflyEffect · 22/02/2010 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tethersend · 22/02/2010 10:31

"But that is me - I hate not knowing things."

Only if you know you don't know...

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 10:38

tethersend, what about instinct and intuition? Many women become aware of their OH's affairs because they investigate following 'a feeling'.

What if you didn't know you didn't know but knew there was something to know?

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