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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ignorance is bliss Re: cheating is a bit mad?

61 replies

BritFish · 21/02/2010 23:12

Was talking to a friend earlier today, she has a lovely man who adores her. We were discussing a soap [only occasional viewer, promise] and the subject of cheating.

Friend then said if someone was cheating on her, she'd rather find out herself or just be kept in the dark!

AIBU to think this is a horrendous attitude to cheating, 'what you dont know cant hurt you'

I'd certainly want to know!

what do you lot think?

another friend has mentioned it'd be 'embarassing' to find out from someone else.
surely not important in the grand scheme of it!

OP posts:
tethersend · 22/02/2010 10:54

Then you wouldn't be ignorant

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:07

No, you'd be un-knowledgeable though

It feels like limbo but I'm not sure there's a specific word for it. I do think it deserves one!

Mumcentreplus · 22/02/2010 11:24

I would want to know asap..none of this ignorance is bliss crap...ignorance means you are probably sucking the cock of a man who is happily sharing said cock with someone else(if you do that sort of thing )...
when it happened in my relationship actually I just knew with my witch-like (so I've been told)capabilites I sussed something was up so i kept digging till I got proof..if you feel something is wrong I find you are usually right

tethersend · 22/02/2010 11:50

I know I am being a pedant, Eco

But ignorance is bliss- it only stops being bliss when you find out and are no longer ignorant.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:56

Tether, thought so, me to

You with good reason, I do understand what you mean. The STI risk sways me though, that's an unknowing that could bring serious health risks that only knowing could limit.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:56

too

tethersend · 22/02/2010 12:00

The point is, you can't choose ignorance.

twotimes · 22/02/2010 12:03

Well i was completely ignorant until I found out, and it wasn't until then that i became unhappy (with good bloody reason).

The problem is, you can never be completely ignorant about somebody sleeping around. Either you do have a gut instinct that gets you wondering, or you inevitably find out.

tethersend · 22/02/2010 12:06

Exactly, twotimes. So the question of whether you would 'choose ignorance' is nonsensical.

ArcticFox · 22/02/2010 12:06

Tethersend- I know where you're coming from but I think there's a kind of middle road where people decide not to pursue their suspicions- almost a conscious ignorance.

As a friend of my mother's once said

"I'm pretty sure there's a rat in the basement but I ain't going to bait the trap."

tethersend · 22/02/2010 12:07

Surely that's just kidding yourself, Arctic?

ArcticFox · 22/02/2010 12:10

No. Kidding yourself is "well he did have to have dinner with his PA again last night and then missed the train so slept on her sofa but nothing happened."

I would say this lady's strategy is more akin to "picking your battles". TBH, she was late forties, been married nearly thirty years. I'm not sure H's sexual fidelity was top of her list of priorities.

I sort of see her viewpoint (very unfashionable these days I know).

LaurieFairyCake · 22/02/2010 12:14

I would want him to tell me. I would likely know something wasn't right and the secret would come between us.

Avoiding honesty (however painful) is usually unhelpful to a relationship.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 12:18

No, agree entirely. It's not possible to choose true ignorance. It is possible to live in denial.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 12:20

Arctic, what you call conscious ignorance, I'd call begrudging acceptance

tethersend · 22/02/2010 12:23

'Live in denial' aye, that's the phrase...

Mumcentreplus · 22/02/2010 12:25

Married 30yrs ??..that would piss me off all the more!!!..I think I would actually find it easier to leave after such a long marriage my children would be grown and we would be more financially stable...plus i could afford a toy-boy

FioFio · 22/02/2010 12:25

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Message withdrawn

eggontoast · 22/02/2010 15:07

No I would NEVER have a gum check, now I am married. I totally trust partner; he would NEVER cheat.

I thought this was hypothetical summising of what I thought I would prefer, ie. know or not to know if he did. I don't expect he ever will.

If he did, and STD would be the very least of my worries.

thesecondcoming · 22/02/2010 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eggontoast · 22/02/2010 15:26

Yes, I've had a couple then, but not actually been there and got one because I wanted to know if partner had given me anything by cheating.

Original poster
BritFish · 23/02/2010 18:23

i think, if you say 'id rather not know'
and yes, you cant un-know, but if you think about it now, just that simple question, 'would you rather know?'
but if you say you'd rather not know, personally id feel that it shows lack of balance between partners, that youd rather not know that your partner has broken his vows/promises and has undermined you, you just wouldnt want to know for an easy life?
it depends on every individual circumstance.

and i have regular checks once a year. its just for safety's sake, just to check everythings okay.
also, after i learnt you can get herpes from mouth ulcers, i thought, why not?

OP posts:
twopeople · 23/02/2010 21:05

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NorthernSky · 23/02/2010 21:59

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EcoMouse · 23/02/2010 22:23

Thesecondcoming, many areas do not perform full GUM checks at booking in appointments!!

Eggontoast, I also trusted, just as you do.

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