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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think12 is too young to go shopping with friends?

76 replies

diddl · 18/02/2010 16:32

And no adults at all.
About an hours bus ride into the city.

Would be buying anything for the sake of it clothes.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/02/2010 18:54

I used to sit in the town centre with my best friend, and we'd just people-watch. Give boys marks out of ten etc ......

< lapses into reverie >

notyummy · 18/02/2010 18:59

12 should be fine I think - if they are a quite mature 12. I was a much loved (and in some ways over protected) only child, but even I was allowed out to shop with friends. People on this thread have talked about it being 'a much more dangerous world now' - how exactly? Yes, there is more traffic, but no more rapists and murders than there was 30/40 years ago when we out and about. When I was that age there were slightly older friends of mine who were using drugs and sniffing glue, so all the temptations were on offer.

I think we wrap kids in cotton wool much more these days. It's hard to let go though.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/02/2010 19:01

notyummy - I was joking - forgot to wink

101damnations · 18/02/2010 19:29

I did the same at 12.City was an hours bus ride too.I'd let my dds do the same.

I know someone with a 15 and 14 year old who aren't allowed to go shopping without adults!

choufleur · 18/02/2010 19:36

12 is fine. surely they go to school on their own (get on a bus or whatever). Yes they'll buy tat but does that matter (that's what they do).

They have to learn to be a bit independent.

2old4thislark · 18/02/2010 19:41

I understand your concern because of the distance and city. It feels easier when they go shopping just a short bus ride away.

At some point you have to let go a bit more -but you know your child best - if you don't think she's old enough, say so. You're the mum, you get to decide!

5Foot5 · 18/02/2010 19:44

DD did this at 12 and not everything she bought was rubbish!

In fact she needed a few new things for going on holiday so I helped her make a list, set a budget for each item and then left the money out. Over about three shopping trips she got everything and did pretty well at choosing and sticking to budget

notyummy · 18/02/2010 22:16

Doh - Jamie. I missed the irony - soz!

Baileysismyfriend · 18/02/2010 22:20

I think 12 is ok, my DD is 11 and I drop her into town with a friend and she mooches about for a couple of hours buying crap she doesnt need with her friends.

If your not sure about the girl she is going with, how about you drop them in and go for a coffee while they go round town, they if there are any problems you are nearby.

nappyaddict · 18/02/2010 22:25

I would think it was quite normal for kids in year 7 upwards to do this.

Original poster
diddl · 19/02/2010 09:16

Thanks for the replies.
I think perhaps a time limit is needed.

I think another concern is that she´s not overly friendly with this girl & I think my daughter may only have been asked as the girl she usually goes with can´t.

It´s not a thing my daughter had thought of-had been happy to meet just in town-so I´m also wondering if they are using each other a bit.

OP posts:
2old4thislark · 19/02/2010 10:46

I think you're right to be concerned if she doesn't know the girl too well.

darcymum · 19/02/2010 10:55

My mum would never have let me go into town at twelve. I wasn't even allowed to walk have from primary school about 8 mins away.

I resent her two this day for it and have never had a good relationship with her.

Let her go, if you don't it will be for your benefit not hers.

Original poster
diddl · 19/02/2010 11:54

Gosh that´s sad, darcymum

She takes herself to school & is allowed into town.

What I have now discovered though is that they may not be going to the actual city but a shopping centre near it.

Puts a whole different slant on it as the bus drops off outside & they wouldn´t have to be wandering great distances between shops-and then finding the way back!

OP posts:
2old4thislark · 19/02/2010 12:03

diddl - I think you're just being a concerned mum - not over protective as she is allowed into town etc. The next step is always scary.

Original poster
diddl · 19/02/2010 12:13

That´s kind 2old, thank you.

I remember going into the city with friends and we went between 2 shopping centres & the shops between.

The city she is thinking of is fairly spread out re clothes shops.

A shopping centre makes much more sense.

I don´t want to really stop her doing things, but I suppose I do see 12 as relatively young, so I don´t want just to let her have her own way but to find a compromise that I am also comfortable with.

OP posts:
mattellie · 19/02/2010 14:29

diddl, DS (13) does this most weekends, 40+ minute bus ride, meets his friends there. DD (11) has just done it for the first time this half-term though friend?s mum dropped them off rather than using the bus.

On that basis, I would say your DD is right on the cusp and you should go with your instinct ? you know her best, after all.

Both DCs have mobile phones and any ignoring of call/text from me or OH (or having phone turned off) results in suspension of privileges upon return home.

Docbunches · 19/02/2010 16:18

I think 12 is OK. My DD has been going to town with friends since she was 11 (end of Y6) although one of us parents used to drop them in by car and another pick them up after a couple of hours or so.

Now DD, in Y8, usually goes by bus... but town is only 15 minutes away. She is more than happy to stay there for hours, window shopping and buying cheap crap for the sake of it.

I can see why you'd be worried about an hour long journey and also that you don't know the girl well.... I think I'd feel much happier if it was a larger group of girls.

Maleeka · 19/02/2010 18:59

Oh i feel such a wimp after reading this thread. I've got 2 girls aged 11 and 12 and its the 11 yr old who is straining at the leash to go to the town centre with her mates.

You'd have the prise the 12 yr old off her pc with a crowbar to get her to go, but her sister just hears the word "shopping" and she's at the front door ready to go!

Its weird cos i'm not usually PFB (or should that be PSB) at all, and she is the more mature of the two, but i think i'd need babysteps of dropping her off and giving her a couple of hours to mooch about while i sat in a cafe chewing my fingernails!

I'm so crap!!!

electra · 19/02/2010 19:02

YABU - 12 is fine imo.....

MrsMorgan · 19/02/2010 19:08

I'm not sure on this one.

Dd1 is 12 and the first time I let her go shopping with her friend they got chucked out of BHS for messing about.

I was fuming, but her friends mum thought it was funny

She hasn't been since. I think next time it will depend who she is going with.

I did let her go to the cinema and back on the bus with a friend though.

coldtits · 19/02/2010 19:15

YABU

janeite · 19/02/2010 19:44

Maleeka - I don't think you sound crap at all!

Diddl - I understand your concerns about this - it is a long way to go and if you don't know the girl that well and your dd isn't overly friendly with her, it just adds more unknowns into the equation for your dd.

Personally I would say 'no' this time, then offer to drop her and a 'better' friend in town soon and pick them up after a couple of hours.

Maybe offer the money for them both to go for tea and cakes or something, so that it sounds more like a treat than this occasion and thus softens the blow of saying 'no' this time.

Original poster
diddl · 19/02/2010 20:24

That sounds like a good compromise.

Funnily enough,she came home raving about it yesterday-could she go.

We said we´d think about iz.

No mention of it today!!??

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 19/02/2010 20:30

Understand the worry Diddl - biut I think 12 is fine.

DD took herself off to the shops from Year 6 - we lived 3 miles oiutside Cheltenham, she used to get the bus there and back.

Yes, bags full of tat were bought. And sweets galore. But she loved it and was very sensible.

Then she graduated to getting herself to and from Gloucester - about 50 min bus journey each way.

Mind you now she is 14 - she has proposed that she get the train to Bristol for the day with her friends. I am in two minds about that - seems a bit far (about hour on train).

It's right to be worried - but think it is a good thing that kids this age are a bit more independent.