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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think12 is too young to go shopping with friends?

76 replies

diddl · 18/02/2010 16:32

And no adults at all.
About an hours bus ride into the city.

Would be buying anything for the sake of it clothes.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/02/2010 17:04

"Just have visions of her wandering around aimlessly for hours! "

You say that like it's a bad thing...

I was shopping in town without adults in my last year of primary school. Probably a 30 minute bus ride away.

TheFirstLady · 18/02/2010 17:12

Could you let her go on a day when you had business there yourself? Then you would be nearby if there was a problem, but not actually with her IYSWIM. I have done this with my DD - let her off on her own in the city for a couple of hours, knowing that I wasn't far away if she needed me.

Original poster
diddl · 18/02/2010 17:40

Re wandering aimlessly-she´s like me in that she has an idea of what to look for & tends to like to do that & go.

Admittedly, she probably wouldn´t be like that with friends.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 18/02/2010 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Slambang · 18/02/2010 17:50

Agree tis normal but understand the worries.

An houer's bus ride each way makes for quite a long day. Could you make some excuse about need ing to go in to town too so you can drop them off there?

EllieMental · 18/02/2010 17:59

I think it is the distance which is a problem, rather than the activity.
My 12-yr-old son regularly goes into town with his friends. We have talked explictly about watching out for pickpockets etc, (personal safety) and being aware staff in shops do NOT like groups of children so to be aware that their behaviour must be exemplary...
they take their mobiles and look after each other and if anything terrible happened, I am lucky enough to be 5 minutes' away from town centre.
I'd be tempted to go with her and let her go off by herself and meet up later. Work your way up to it all
Town centre on a saturday is almost entirely 12-year-olds where I live

Original poster
diddl · 18/02/2010 18:06

Yes, town centre I have no problem with.

City centre a little different.

OP posts:
DecorHate · 18/02/2010 18:08

I agree it is a normal thing for a 12 yr old to do but I can understand your concerns if it is an hour away and you are a bit doubtful about the friend....

With my dd (same age) I am happy for her to go into town with her friends but it is 10 minute walk away and no different to walking to school on her own. She wanted to go further afield this week - we initially felt that as she hadn't been there before I should drive her and her friend there and go off shopping myself till they were ready to come back. In the end as I had to take ds's too, I dropped her off and took the ds's somewhere about a 10 minute drive away. She phoned me when she was done (earlier than expected as she had spent all her money!)

Is it feasible for you to offer to drive them there? In any case make sure she knows what to do if she loses her money/phone/bus ticket

TubbyDuffs · 18/02/2010 18:11

I used to go into town on the bus with friends at 12, and that was before mobiles!

deaddei · 18/02/2010 18:13

Totally normal- reinforcing behaviour is a must- I told dd that she never knew if her teachers would be on the bus/in the shops.
As long as she knows what to do if she loses bus pass/money etc- let her go and have fun. We all did when we were her age!

Rindercella · 18/02/2010 18:15

No problem at all. In fact, I think it is good for children to be gaining a level of independence.

I used to regularly meet friends in the local town from about 11/12 years old. I was 12 the first time I went to London without adults. I somehow managed to lose my friends down the escalator at Waterloo tube, got myself to Carnaby St (where I knew they were going) and found them again. This was way before the advent of mobile phones as well.

elliedodger · 18/02/2010 18:16

I started going into town with friends at 12ish. I think it's about the right age, assuming you're not talking about a huge city like central London.

I'd arrange a time when she has to be home by and make sure she's got a phone to contact you with, but I'm sure she'll have a lovely time pottering round Claire's Accessories / Primark etc.

EssenceOfJack · 18/02/2010 18:17

yabu, I wouls say by the time they are in secondary school they are more than old enough to go out on their own for the day. I used to get the train to Coventry (god knows why) which was a good half hour away.
But yes, she will wander aimlessly for hours buying shit she doesn't need. And then hide it from you and tell you she bought nothing

thedollshouse · 18/02/2010 18:17

I used to go on my own from the age of 9 (too young imo) I think once they are at senior school they should be capable of going alone without adults.

EllieMental · 18/02/2010 18:18

are the buses regular? Be awful for her to be stranded for hours when she wanted/needed to come home?

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise that I probably wouldn't let my son (who is also 12) go into a city centre by himself - given he was targeted by some kids in our town centre who didn't like the way he looked....

samsonara · 18/02/2010 18:18

You know your child best and if they would enjoy, cope with it. It's your choice. I personally think 12 is too young, but I do know it is quite normal, evidence of that all round in town centres. Why do I think this? just from teaching, my opinion is alot of year 7 or year 8 pupils ie 11 turning 12 years, or 12 turning 13 years or there abouts aren't that self confident yet and won't necessarily stick to parents rules they are easily peer pressured and it's not the activity of going out with friends itself, but that once they've done that a few times, they will really start to feel independent, which we want ofcourse but I just think society makes children grow up too fast as it is, I certainly wasn't allowed out alone until I got to the upper years of secondary school, year 10. But if your child has a phone, you should feel ok about it, it's personal choice. In our local town and nearby shopping centres I always see the gangs of boys and girls out, they just seem to be messing about having fun and shouting oi miss if they see me!

Northernlurker · 18/02/2010 18:18

Mine isn't 12 till April and not only has she done this with friends (when she bought cheap shoes in New Look) but she's done it several times alone. It's fine.

kansasmum · 18/02/2010 18:33

MY YD is 13 now (nearly 14) and we live a good 40 min bus ride from town- when she was 12 we would drive her up to town and then let her go shopping with her friends with arranged time to meet up. Then she went on the bus a few times with her older sister and now she frequently goes on the bus with her mates. She has her phone and once they did miss the bus and I had to go and get them but she learnt that, unlike Mum, buses wait for no man (or teenager who has bought the entire contents of Primark!)

And yeah she will come back with bags full of crap and have spent a fortune on sweets and junk food but it could be worse!!
And as my two have learnt when the money has gone its gone!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 18/02/2010 18:33

Unless she's an unusually young girl for her age in terms of maturity or has any SN I would say this was fine and a very appropriate way of allowing a little autonomy and independence into her life in a controlled way. I think it would be inappropriate to stop her really, and I put myself down as a over very protective mum!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/02/2010 18:36

I did it at this age. And without a phone.

I appreciate that the world is a much more dangerous place now, though.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/02/2010 18:37

sorry, meant to

Original poster
diddl · 18/02/2010 18:39

It´s not her going out for the day-she´s done that before, although only locally so can get home easily.

I suppose it´s more the distance & having to be back to catch the bus by a certain time.

OP posts:
seeker · 18/02/2010 18:41

That's what they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

majafa · 18/02/2010 18:44

I may get flamed for this, but I agree with samsonara,
My 11 yr old (12 in september) is definatly an 11 yr old, he tries to act 'big' for his age but something doesnt quite gel, and is also easily led.
I would be worried hes getting in to trouble,
He has a tendancy to put his phone on to answer machine if he doesnt want to talk to me! And that, imo, makes me think hes not quite ready to be let loose on the general public just yet.

Horton · 18/02/2010 18:52

I think 12 is fine for this kind of thing. I did it at her age, into central London on the tube alone, wandered round Covent Garden and Kings Road without a mobile phone. My mum just told me what time to be back and I stuck to it. Wandering round aimlessly giggling with your friends is really good fun when you are 12. I quite like it now and I'm 41.