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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To...Ahem...Fake It?

37 replies

MrsMontague · 18/02/2010 16:22

I have been married to DH for just short of a year, we have been together for 6 years and have 1 DD.

Since we have been together, I have only ever had 1 orgasm...and that was just after we got together and we were drunk students who had fancied each other for a good year or so, so I imagine the chemistry had a part to play.

But that's it! I have always still really enjoyed sex with him, I do, although it never really results in anything for me! So I'm ashamed to say I have always faked it, as when we were first together obviously I didn't want to make him feel bad, and then it had just been too long etc. So after we got married, I tried just not doing anything, not faking it but not actually adressing the problem. he was very confused as to why I suddenly couldn't climax anymore, and this had the opposite effect and he became very insecure and we pretty much just stopped having sex!

So, I shot myself in the foot and just faked it again. And we have sex around 5 nights a week and Dh is back to thinking he is an absolute sex god , have I set myself up now for the rest of my life eh? There is no way I can just tell him after all of this time. I mean, is this normal? i did read somewhere that not many women ever reach orgasm...is that true? Tell me it is, and that I'm not missing out! Hehe. Thankyou all!

OP posts:
notanumber · 18/02/2010 16:24

Can you reach orgasm easily when you masturbate? Have you achieved orgasm easily in the past with other partners?

SerenityNowakaBleh · 18/02/2010 16:26

Hm. Personally, I would be very wary of faking for DP, despite the boost to his ego, because once you start ... that's it. You're faking for life.

The time you did, was that with penetration? or other methods?

SpicedGerkin · 18/02/2010 16:27

If you're happy with the situation then fine.

I don't fake it i get a real one

However i have been known to fake it when i just know i wont but am happy to carry on iykwim?

PrettyCandles · 18/02/2010 16:27

It is true, not everyone orgasms every time, and some women don't orgasm at all.

But the real point is, does it matter to you whether or not you orgasm? If not, if you're happy with your sex life, then personally I don't see anything wrong with going on as you are. If OTOH you don't like the current situation, and you do want to orgasm, then it's something that you need to address. Which may well mean that you will hav to tell him.

Original poster
MrsMontague · 18/02/2010 16:29

I can reach climax by myself yes and I have tried to show him, oh.so.many.times but he just erm...rubs until I'm sore.

Gosh, on a Thursday afternoon! Please forgive me everyone.

Yes I have always with partners in the past, when I was late teens. poor DH just can't seem to manage it. But he is actually very good in bed, not a fumbling nervous man, my body just doesn't respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMontague · 18/02/2010 16:33

Exactly serenity, thats what I have got myself into. And it was through him using his fingers, that one time.

In reponse to those of you asking if I am happy to carry on, to me it isn't worth causing a fall out over, and it was much worse when he got all insecure and then we didn't do it at all. I don't think I could bring myself to tell him now, it would probably do more bad than good. I suppose I will just have to keep trying to show him, and hope one day I will find a technique that works!

OP posts:
notanumber · 18/02/2010 16:35

Right, so the 'problem' is not that you can't achive orgasm then.

As spicedgherkin has said, it depends whether you're happy enough with the status quo or not. Basically - given that you do enjoy the sex - are you happy to never have another orgasm through sex for the rest of your married life? If so, then there's no problem.

If not, then you're going to have to tell him, or do some strategic planning to encourage him to try differnt techniques, timings etc.

WhoIsAsking · 18/02/2010 16:37

Have you thought about buying a little bullet vibrator and maybe some other shit stuff from a sex toy shop and breezily saying something like "I was shopping earlier and suddenly felt really horny so I nipped into and bought us some toys!"

TeamEdward · 18/02/2010 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2010 16:37

get a vibrator

incorporate it into your sex life

job done

spudmasher · 18/02/2010 16:38

It might just be a small issue of positioning.What have you tried?

SpicedGerkin · 18/02/2010 16:40

Variety is the spice of life, my DH does rather like it when i mix things up a bit, good opportunity to differ from the norm?

tallulahbelly · 18/02/2010 16:41

Whoisasking

OP you are in capable hands here so I am going to leave right now before Mal shows up.

Prinpo · 18/02/2010 16:43

Mmm, I faked relentlessly with a particularly bad shag way back when I was a mere lass and, consequently, devised a no-faking rule for myself when I met DH. The result is that sometimes I orgasm, sometimes I don't, it depends upon the type of tomfoolery we're getting up to.

There are, however, a number of, ahem, devices {blush} which you may want to have a look at (I know because I was looking for recently separated friends - no, honest, I was!). These fit over the man bits and do all sorts of wonderful things to the woman bits at the same time. I haven't tried them myself (see, told you it was for friends) but they look like just the sort of thing a gal could innocently introduce into the bedroom as a bit of a treat for the man whilst, hopefully, sorting out the problem of not having to fake it.

I understand why you wouldn't want to tell him you'd been faking all this time and also why you don't want to stop having an (albeit fake) orgasm when you do have sex. Perhaps this is an option?

spudmasher · 18/02/2010 16:48

MrsM before you get devices can I recommend a rather simple strategy. Get your DH to move up towards your head once he is ..erm..in.. so that his pelvic bone is quite hard against your magic button. And away you go. You on top but down a bit would do the job as well.

Original poster
MrsMontague · 18/02/2010 17:06

Wow thanks everybody, plenty of things to think about there!

We have tried all of the obvious positions, missionary, me on top, from behind...that's it really. spudmasher do you mean me on top and then him sit up? I shall try that tonight I think...DH won't know what's hit him if I put all of these suggestions into practise.

prinpo I will have a look on Ann Summers now, you hit the nail on the head. I want to just fix the situation without having to actually confront it, as it will no doubt just set his insecurities off.

We have tried plenty of things experimental, erotic books, adult films, they all set the mood nicely and definitely do it for DH, and I'm just there all worked up and nothing!

OP posts:
Southwind · 18/02/2010 17:07

tomfoolery im gonna give that a go tonight...

SpicedGerkin · 18/02/2010 17:09

Do you think it's built up to a big thing in your head a little, so you now can't?

Have you tried making yourself orgasm while the pair of you are at it?

BarbaMamma · 18/02/2010 17:11

Try to masturbate yourself while you're having sex, at the same time as indulging in an excellent fantasy. One, both or the other work for me every time !

spudmasher · 18/02/2010 17:12

This explains what I mean a bit better Basic but highly effective

cluckyduck · 18/02/2010 17:13

Do you use lube? Honestly its life changing - and you wont get sore when he touches you, not if you show him how you like it

Mumcentreplus · 18/02/2010 17:24
Hmm
petisa · 18/02/2010 17:33

I agree with Barbamamma, do you masturbate yourself while having sex? I always do (or he does it) or otherwise there's no way I'd orgasm with just penetrative sex. And I always do have one

Agree with clucky re lube and in your position I would definitely be giving my dh some "gentle guidance" on his technique!

Good luck!

carmenjones · 18/02/2010 17:37

I've never had an orgasm through penetration. I think it's to do with the position of my bits - not possible to get contact with the ol' love button during penetration no matter the angle (and believe me, dh & I have tried every angle ).

Luckily dh is an oral maestro so I always come and I do get pleasure from penetration, just not the sort that leads to a climax.

I did fake it in previous relationships, but it's soooo much better dh knowing what I like and vice versa. I don't think I could manage a lifetime of pretending.

I get that it would be very hard for your dh to find out after all this time, but the suggestions to introduce different things to "spice things up" are good. It happened once so it can happen again.

Muser · 18/02/2010 18:23

Can I advise not going to Ann Summers? I would heartily recommend Sh, it's much less trashy and has great stuff. If you are ever in London and can get to their physical store the lovely ladies there will advise you on anything you might be interested in, and give you a cup of tea! It's women only, men must be accompanied to get in.

They have a website, if you google Sh it should be the paid link, or try Sh Women Store. I probably shouldn't link to it directly!

I third the lube suggestion. It makes such a difference. You could also go for the show rather than tell approach, he might quite enjoy it. A bit of DIY while he's watching and everyone's a winner.

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