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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have made a contraceptive decision alone?

24 replies

TreeTrunkThighs · 18/02/2010 00:53

I have been on the pill for 18 years. I had one shot of depo once and didn't get on with it.

Dh and I have discussed vasectomy and agreed it is not a way forward.

I have looked at and researched my options and have decided on a mirena coil. I have made an appointment to have it fitted next week.

Dh has taken offence, says we haven't discussed it and is generally being an arse about it.

We don't want any more children. He won't take responsibility for contraception. I have.

My body. My decision.

Right?

Or should I have discussed it with him more?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/02/2010 00:56

You've discussed and agreed on no more children? Then it's totally reasonable for you to make the contraceptive decision. If he was wanting more kids, that'd be different - that's not what's actually going on, by any chance?

If you're both on the No Kids side, and he doesn't want a vasectomy, I don't understand his objection.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 18/02/2010 00:57

No I don't see how it is his business tbh. It's not affecting him. He wants you to not get pregnant - you have sorted that. What is the issue ? I got my coil fitted without talking to DP about it, and he wasn't bothered - just said he thought I was brave!

Heracles · 18/02/2010 01:00

What's to talk about? You don't want kids, you're getting contraception, he gets to do fuck all. Everyone wins, surely...?

LackaDAISYcal · 18/02/2010 01:02

given the circumstances, YANBU at all and he is.

now if you were making the decision to ditch contraception altogether without telling him, that would be a whole different thread.

Vallhala · 18/02/2010 01:07

Right. Pure and simple.

You both don't want more children, he won't have a vasectomy, you've researched the options (and doubtless know the risks of the pill in 'older' age/long term use).

YOU are the one who would have to carry a baby you both decided you didn't want, give birth to it and live with the consequuences. If you are like most women YOU would have to do the majority of the childcare and rearing, put your plans and/or career on hold and probably suffer the impact on the children you already have more than your DH.

He can offer no reasonable alternatives and so you have made a (very brave, from the POV of this coward) decision to have a coil.

YANBU and he is being plain awkward.

Tortington · 18/02/2010 01:15

i can't see its any of his business what method of contraception you use - if you have agreed not to have any more children - as long as this decicion is reversible.

i could understant his POV were you to say - fuck it i'm going to get steralized - this may warrent more discussion ( but your choice still)

same as if he wanted the snip

seems weird

your dh is a weirdo

CheerfulYank · 18/02/2010 01:19

Mirena isn't even permanent is it?

And I don't think YABU.

Kaloki · 18/02/2010 01:35

What did he want you to discuss?

CheerfulYank No, it's not permanent. Or at least I hope not, might scupper my TTC chances otherwise

EcoMouse · 18/02/2010 01:46

YANBU for all the reasons already raised!

What's his problem?

differentnameforthis · 18/02/2010 03:33

I think YABU to choose Mirena, but not to make a decision if he can't be arsed!

nooka · 18/02/2010 03:45

Well it depends. Did you tell him you were thinking about it, or did you just say something along the lines of "right that's it I'm having a coil fitted next Tuesday". If the latter, yes you should have talked about it a bit more. I think that your decision is perfectly reasonable though, but I do think contraceptive decisions do affect both partners and (in general) should be discussed.

weegiemum · 18/02/2010 05:35

Popping up as normal on a mirena thread!

Just to say - either have a smear at the time before it is put in or make sure you get a coil check if you have a smear after it is put in.

I didn't. Dd2 is now 6!!

weegiemum · 18/02/2010 05:35

YANBU by the way!

Malificence · 18/02/2010 11:25

If he's too selfish to have a vasectomy then he's being very unreasonable in getting arsey with you.

kinnies · 18/02/2010 11:42

What has he said?

Cant understand why he'd think you BU.

Is he normaly controlling?

JaneS · 18/02/2010 11:43

Eh? Why on earth does he care?

Fimblehobbs · 18/02/2010 11:52

YANBU. You're not doing anything permanent or anything that affects him. Does he understand that? Has he got the wrong end of the stick somehow? It seems a very odd reaction.

l39 · 18/02/2010 12:00

Does he have moral objections to the idea of fertilised eggs not implanting? I have the idea that this is all a normal coil does, but a mirena has hormones to prevent ovulation so should be less of a moral problem?

(haven't had a coil, may have got that wrong)

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 18/02/2010 12:04

YANBU. Don't understand his problem, tbh. You have taken steps to prevent a pregnancy, so why is he annoyed?

Reallytired · 18/02/2010 12:06

Does he not understand the mirena. I think it would be good for him if you both make an appointment to see a nurse at the family planning clinic. Then he would see that the mirena is no different to taking the mini pill.

Or does he secretly want children?

Rejessta · 18/02/2010 12:14

It sounds like your DH is just frustrated that you have had several conversations on the subject and that you then arrived at a separate conclusion. This is just another example of the vast gap between male and female dialogue. The former tends towards the absolute. Having had a long conversation in which conclusions were drawn he had probably assumed that the matter was dealt with so your introducing a new alternative has thrown his assumptions out of whack unfortunately dislocating his nose in the process.

He's not actually being an arse, he's just being male (yeah, synonyms, I know).

I wouldn't be too fussed about it, he'll get over it once he gets his head around it as long as you don't keep bringing it up. You've made your decision, stick to it and leave him to resolve his issues.

ScreaminEagle · 18/02/2010 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BarkisIsWilling · 18/02/2010 12:45

If he wants to be included that much, he can come along for the fitting?

YANBUITL

(in the least)

BlauerEngel · 18/02/2010 13:13

I think under the circumstances you are entirely justified in going ahead with any form of contraception you deem appropriate, since he doesn't appear to want to take responsibility.

What about getting your tubes tied? Sorry, don't know technical name for op but it's very minor by comparison with a hysterectomy. Since your family is complete, a permanent solution shouldn't be a problem for him. Nothing else to discuss.

I know several women who have had this op (in and out the same day) precisely because their dhs were crossing their legs when the subject of vasectomies came up, but not suggesting an alternative.

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