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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you go to this party?

60 replies

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 10:15

more or a wwyd than aibu.

a few weeks ago I got an email re a friend's 40th. it just said to keep the date free. I replied saying great we'll see what we can sort out kid wise. so not so much an invite and an acceptance - all rather casual, but the implication was that we would come.

a couple of weeks later we get a follow up with details.

the friend lives about 3.5 hours drive away. he was in dh's year at uni, dh was his best man. I was at uni with him too so obv a close friend of mine as well. we see each other as families a lot and until recently lived about 20 mins apart. last night I had a moment of horror when I realised that the party is the night before I am meant to be doing a 22-mile rather awesome running race - it's not just any old road race it's a mountain/fell race across stunning wild scenery. it happens once a year. it fills all its places. it's near where I live and next year I may well not be living here any more. and obviously I've been training for it.

we see the friends a lot - they;ve visisted us since we moved, we went away with them over new year and going away with them again a week after the party.

if I don't go dh will still go.

[if anyone who knows me reads this I will be instantly recognisable...I've never bothered hiding on mn]

so what would you do? be gentle with me...I post with no preconceptions about what I should do. I guess the only thing you can slate me for is for even asking. but surely, in their inner thoughts, most people would have at least a wee bit of uncertainty

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 16/02/2010 10:17

you stay at home, your husband goes. Simples.

helenium · 16/02/2010 10:17

Tell them the truth. Send dh. If they are true friends then they will understand.

You can't not run if you have been in training for it for so long.

Cyb · 16/02/2010 10:18

well it sounds like you will have to apologise and decline (dh could still go).

But did you not think about the dates when you casually said you could come?

She will understand I am sure, perhaps you could do something the following weekend

Habbibu · 16/02/2010 10:19

run the race.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/02/2010 10:19

If they are that good friends then they will understand and you are going to see them the next weekend.

ArcticFox · 16/02/2010 10:19

Let DH go on his own.

I skipped my friends' engagement party as I had the London Marathon the next day. They were totally fine about it.

Pheebe · 16/02/2010 10:20

Your friend is only 40 once. They gave you plenty of 'warning'. A running race is after all only a running race and there's nothing to say you can't do the run yourself another day or makean even of doing the race next year.

I would go to friends celebration no question

Pheebe · 16/02/2010 10:20

make an event

ChippingIn · 16/02/2010 10:21

Tell them the truth. Send DH. If they are true friends they will understand.

You can't not run if you have been in training for it for so long.

(helenium - sound familiar )

Have fun running!

MmeLindt · 16/02/2010 10:22

You have been training for the race. Go.

Email them explaining that you made a mistake and that DH will go the party alone.

hanaflower · 16/02/2010 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 16/02/2010 10:28

Talk to friend. Tell them how it is. Send DH - go to bed early and run your race. They'll understand.

WildSeahorses · 16/02/2010 10:32

In your shjoes, I would think carefully before declining the party invitation. Your friends may well feel a bit slighted - I know that I did when someone decided to back out of my wedding at short notice to play in a netball match. I felt like the wedding was a really important event for me and that if in their eyes it came second to a sporting event then I obviously wasn't that important to the friend in question. We are sitll in touch, but it has affected the friendship TBH.

If in doubt, why not go to the party but stay off alcohol and leave fairly early. It may not be the ideal preparation for the race, but it might be the best thing for your friendship. Your friends will really appreciate you making the effort and, at the end of the day, aren't friends one of the most important things in life?

BitOfFun · 16/02/2010 10:37

They are only forty once, true- but what adult is really that arsed about birthday parties? Surely if you see them now and again anyway and are good friends they will understand that you can't drive three hours and get bladdered the night before a run.

purpleduck · 16/02/2010 10:38

Ah the parellel universe thing.
I do this all the time - forget to realise that I actually can't be in 2 places at once. In other universes, it all works out

Do you race and tell them you hadn't thought the whole thing through - send a lovely bottle of whatever with your dh.

ChippingIn · 16/02/2010 10:38

Wildseahorses - there's a bit of a difference between a birthday party and a wedding!

Yes - friends are one of the most important things in life - which is why her friend should understand she already had other plans - why should she cancel (or be too tired to run properly) when she has been training for it. She can hardly leave early enough to get home at a decent hour when the party is a 3.5 hour drive away can she! - she'd need to leave before the party starts!

OP - send DH, an apology & a present

Doodleydoo · 16/02/2010 10:39

Everyone makes a few mistakes re dates - we are all guilty of that and it really shouldn't matter too much if you say you are sorry.

It is so sad that it is all at the same time, I really feel for you being in that dilemma tbh as they are both things that you would obviously like to do - they will know you have been training for it and am sure they will understand.

Seuss · 16/02/2010 10:41

If your DH can still go then no problem. If they are good friends then they will know why you want to run the race. Plus if you are seeing them a week later anyway then I doubt they'll mind, say you'll have a mini-celebration with them then.

cocolepew · 16/02/2010 10:42

Do your race, they're adults and it's only a birthday party.

lololol · 16/02/2010 10:43

I disagree with most of the replies.

Keeping a friendship going when there is distance between you is hard work. Especially when there are children, travelling needs more planning etc.

It depends what sort of runner you are. Are you going to win the race/get a placement or is it just for fun/fitness/personal achievement? If the latter, you could just go running on your own somewhere and admire the scenery.

He's only going to be 40 once, you can travel to this race another year. Presumably he doesn't have a big bash like this very often (ie every 10 years if that). Personally, I'd go to the party.

I speak as someone who has failed to keep a particular friendship going over a long distance .

cocolepew · 16/02/2010 10:44

But they are going away together the week after the party.

helenium · 16/02/2010 10:46

lolo - i think you are missing the point that it is the dh whos original friend it is.

The running is very important for the OP as she has stated.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/02/2010 10:46

lolol - they are keeping the friendship going, they are all going away together the weekend after. I am 40 this weekend, one couple have backed out for a lesser excuse and that is fine, something that is obviously important to them has turned up.

runnybottom · 16/02/2010 10:46

Why can't you do both? Go to party, don't drink, leave earlt, race.
Or do whichever you want. I don't actually see any dilemma here.

AmesBS7 · 16/02/2010 10:46

Controversially, I would say ditch the race. If you said you would go and there's no kid-related reason for you not to, and it's pretty clear that they were keen for you to be there as they contacted you to save the date, it's a bit off to then prioritise your own event over theirs.
Events like 40th birthday parties are the cement of friendship and missing them could risk causing distance with your friends.
If you really want to run the race, you could talk to them about it, but they will feel obliged to give you the go-ahead t do your own thing, so the result will be th same.
If, on the other hand, the fell-race is in fact more important to you, then that is the message that you will send them and that is possibly no bad thing.
The friendship with your DH will not be affected if he does go alone.

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