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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you go to this party?

60 replies

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 10:15

more or a wwyd than aibu.

a few weeks ago I got an email re a friend's 40th. it just said to keep the date free. I replied saying great we'll see what we can sort out kid wise. so not so much an invite and an acceptance - all rather casual, but the implication was that we would come.

a couple of weeks later we get a follow up with details.

the friend lives about 3.5 hours drive away. he was in dh's year at uni, dh was his best man. I was at uni with him too so obv a close friend of mine as well. we see each other as families a lot and until recently lived about 20 mins apart. last night I had a moment of horror when I realised that the party is the night before I am meant to be doing a 22-mile rather awesome running race - it's not just any old road race it's a mountain/fell race across stunning wild scenery. it happens once a year. it fills all its places. it's near where I live and next year I may well not be living here any more. and obviously I've been training for it.

we see the friends a lot - they;ve visisted us since we moved, we went away with them over new year and going away with them again a week after the party.

if I don't go dh will still go.

[if anyone who knows me reads this I will be instantly recognisable...I've never bothered hiding on mn]

so what would you do? be gentle with me...I post with no preconceptions about what I should do. I guess the only thing you can slate me for is for even asking. but surely, in their inner thoughts, most people would have at least a wee bit of uncertainty

OP posts:

cocolepew · 16/02/2010 10:49

Do people really think adult birthday parties are important?

lololol · 16/02/2010 10:50

" I was at uni with him too so obv a close friend of mine as well" - from the OP

I suppose it comes down to whether the friend will understand how important the running is to the OP. It doesn't matter if the OP is "right" or "wrong", it matters how this guy feels about it. If he is OK with it, it's fine to run, if he's not, you do risk damaging a friendship. I damaged a friendship with a uni friend accidentally (doing something I still believe to be totally reasonable).

pigsinmud · 16/02/2010 10:50

Do the race. He's 40. It's only a birthday. Sorry I have an issue about adults making such a big deal of a bloody borthday.

If they're good friends they won't mind.

AmesBS7 · 16/02/2010 10:50

If they are actually having a party, with invites and who knows what else organised, then obviously they do, yes!

junkcollector · 16/02/2010 10:51

Ring them and explain before hand.

If your DH is going and you send a fab present I can't see that your friend would be that bothered. Presumably it's a big party so he'll have lots of other people to talk to.

Would you have done this if you hadn't been able to get a babysitter anyway?

booboobeedoo · 16/02/2010 10:52

erm.... can't you do both?
The party is in the evening, the run is the next day. It's a long drive back from the party, but it certainly can be done, can't it...?

helenium · 16/02/2010 10:53

I don't think it will ruin the friendship if OP does not attend. The dh would go. They are all off for a weekend together to celebrate.

It is only a bloody party fgs. There will be other people there, hardly a lmassive void without the OP. If it was a choice of the run or the weekend away, it would be slightly different because that would make a difference to the whole thing, but a party full of people, i don't think so.

helenium · 16/02/2010 10:54

Ad to the fact that it is a mans 40th, they wouldnt care less who was there, as long as the alcohol waws flowing freely

Women tend to get alot more het up about such things.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 16/02/2010 11:00

Race.

I am with the group saying adults shouldn't be precious about birthday parties.

It's my 40th this year. I may have a party. If someone had to choose between my party or a challenging race they had been training for I would be staggered (and think them mad) if they chose my party.

Habbibu · 16/02/2010 11:00

I reckon that a friendship that wouldn't survive non-attendance at a birthday party would have to be fairly rocky anyway. If you're seeing them the week after, promise them something special - do something he'd love. We had people who couldn't make it to our wedding - doesn't mean we're not friends!

Original poster

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 11:07

doing both isn't really feasible. we will be staying the night, along with several others, including hoardes of children. the house will be rammed and noisy til the small hours. I would have to leave at 6am at the latest. ideally earlier. drive 3.5 hours and then race.

I guess the only vaguely feasible thing would be to leave at 10pm.

helenium - you are very right. he's not the sort of person to get offended.

OP posts:

gladders · 16/02/2010 11:17

I think I would go with the getting there early (can you even help them set stuff up or maybe get over there for lunch?) and leaving early. if your dh wants to stay he can and then get the train back the next day?

FWIW am also a runner - our last holiday was planned around the date of hellrunner! - so i feel your pain.

MrsGravy · 16/02/2010 11:22

I'd do the race definitely. It would be a bit off for you AND DH to cancel or if the party was for your best friend rather than your DH's but I don't see the problem at all with you bowing out in these circs.

helenium · 16/02/2010 11:23

But then the OP has 7 hours of travelling the day before the race. Cant be good for anyone.

says she who doesn't really run anywhere lol

shonaspurtle · 16/02/2010 11:30

If you'd remembered about the race when you got the original email what would you have done?

Said sorry, I've got a race on the next day? If so, then it's not that you're declining the invitation because something "more important" came up - that does nark me, when people ditch you for a subsequent engagement .

It's presumably going to be a fairly big party and there'll be lots of other people there who are important to your friend. I doubt they'll mind.

WildSeahorses · 16/02/2010 11:31

Even if some adults don't make a fuss about birthdays (BTW I'm actually in this category), some other do think they are important occasions (particularly "milestone" birthdays) and I don't think it's fair to say that just because some people don't care about them then neither should other people. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Personally, if I had cocked up my diary and accepted a invitation to something, I wouldn't later decline it because I realised it clashed with something I wanted to do - to me, it seems impolite to do that. I would take the view that I had made the mistake and therefore I should miss out on my event.

PrettyCandles · 16/02/2010 11:34

IMO (and my dh is also training for a long run which affects our arrangements) I would not go to the party. If you don't feel you need dh there to support you for the run, then there's no reason why he shouldn't go, fut if you want him with you for this very important experience, then he should stay.

cocolepew · 16/02/2010 12:57

Hatwoman has, presumably, been taining for months for her race. It's not that she got a better invite and is blowing her friends out for it.

I don't know why this is annoying me so much .

[note to self: get a life]

mattellie · 16/02/2010 15:05

Phone up friend, say ?terribly sorry, but it?s the day before my big race, you know the one I?ve been in training for for ages, but of course DH will be there and I?m looking forward to seeing you all the following week for a good catch-up and to hear all about your party ? and see the photos??

Does it need to be anything more complicated than that?

Original poster

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 19:11

thanks for all the replies. the extra problem is that a friend of mine is doing the race and - although we never agreed it firmly - she would like us to run together (you have to navigate too, which is tough, so lots of people do it with partners or a team). but we'd definitely drive their together. so either way (through my own f-wittedness) I'll be letting someone down.

It's been plaguing me...but I think I may have a plan. dh and friend, and anyone else who cares to are going to a football match during the day followed by a quick drink in the pub. although normally I'd pass on the footie, if I can get my mum to have dds then dh and I could go down sat morning, go to the football, then to the pub for a quick pint, and I'll get the train back, or drive. it'll be quite a day. and my presence at the football will, realistically, be quite superfluous, but it means I'll see him on the day. and he'll appreciate that.

OP posts:

Original poster

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 19:13

their??? I'll have to profer my resignation to the pedants immediately.

OP posts:

sarah293 · 16/02/2010 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumblechum · 16/02/2010 19:48

Sounds like a good plan Hat

girlsyearapart · 16/02/2010 20:01

Hi hat so you are well enough to race?? Do the race then you loon! who knows if you'll be up for it in subsequent years?

And while you're at it do a few miles for me the no running thing is driving me crazy.

Original poster

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 20:02

riven it was in serious doubt in january...I should apologise for not updating you and others but after a pretty awful jan I'm nearly back to normal. however I suspect sane/knowledgeable people would tell me not to do it. but by next year it could be a complete pipe dream. carpe diem and all that.

OP posts:

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