To be f*cking fuming at this?

[IvaNighSpare]

I'm totally at a loss as to what to do.
My DD (8) was invited on a sleepover with a 6yr old friend. We only know the parents through brief conversations at the the doorstep when picking up/dropping off kids. I have the parents phone number and know their house.
Anyway, the sleepover was arranged and a few hours ago DD went there. About 20 minutes ago I nipped to her friend's house (2 minutes away) to drop off a forgotten toy and wish DD goodnight. Also to thank the parents for having her.
I was greeted by the two girls at the door and when I asked where the parents were I was told "they're not here, they've gone swimming". I asked who was looking after them and was told the elder 14 yr old daughter was in charge.
AIBU to think this is out-of-order irresponsible behaviour when you are entrusted with someone else's child? I'm not even considering the legality of it, just the moral responsibilty. Why invite a child over if you're not prepared to loom after them?
I don't want to cause a scene but am really tempted to fetch DD back home.
I'm going to give it an hour and drive back to see if the car is back in the drive. If it isn't then I will kick off.

You don't know these parents except for brief conversations on the doorstep and yet you left your child with them overnight . Surely I don't need to say any more!!!

Bog off Pheebe, that's not helpful.

A 14 year old is responsible.

Are the parents of the other child Cypriots? Sounds like a cultural gap to me - in Britain parents are a lot more concerned about their children, perhaps frightened by the tabloid bogeyman of the lurking child snatcher. It is different elsewhere in Europe and in many countries it would be quite common for an older child to look after younger kids for a short time.

Just a suggestion but if that is the case then a strong, angry response will probably be met with consternation and confusion.

I don't understand why you left her there. I would have removed her immediately.

yep - me too FAB

Maybe not mumblechum but still true. What sort of irresponsible fool leaves their kid with people they don't know!

YANBU.
The parents should have asked your permission to leave your daughter with a babysitter before they went swimming.
Around here, I would not want young kids answering the door when the adults were out.

Massive over reaction on this thread - mainly from people whose PFB is still very young.

Give it a few years and some of you will cringe at your hysteria.

YABU for thinking that a 14 year old cannot supervise younger children, YABVU for making a song and dance about it by moaning here rather than taking your PFB straight home if that was the way you really felt about it.

I would argue there's an apparently massive UNDERreaction from some people who seem to think its OK to leave their kids with virtual strangers and then drive away when they discover other kids looking after their kids.

No, no over reaction, is a 14 yr old realy mature enough to deal with an emergency situation such as a major burn or choking situation?? Wouldn't trust them to be that observant or responsible, isn't there laws about this kind of thing. Thought 12 years was old enough to be left alone for a short period surely there is an age limit to being in charge of minors??

Right- a few questions to answer here:
Yes- we do live behind the wire
No- they were not Cypriots, they were Brits

Also, due to the transient nature of life here on an RAF base, where families move every couple of years, it's very hard to get to know people very well. Children form very immediate relationships and its hard playing "catch-up" with the parents.
On the whole it's an incredibly safe environment, much more so than I'm used to in the UK. Everyone who lives here i security vetted up to the eyeballs, too!
That being said, I do have misgivings about my decisions to let DD go.

I think what p*ssed me off the most was the fact I was never consulted about the change of plans, as it may have influenced my decision to let DD go. At best, it was incredibly rude, at worst- well.....

On reflection, no harm done but lessons learnt.

Thanks for all your opinions and input, it's opened my eyes to the huge spectrum of parenting out there and maybe taught me a little caution, and, conversely, a little tolerance.

I agree that there is a worrying amount of overreaction here. When I was 14, I babysat 2 children (6 and 4) and my brothers when my parents left. The people I babysat for only knew me by reputation (lived down the street) and from the school bus-stop. I would say that I was pretty capable of dealing with most situation (or know what to do if I couldn't). I would have no problem leaving my 2 children for a short while (1-2 hours) in the late afternoon or early on in the evening with a responsible 14 year old.

I do agree that they should have let you know, but perhaps they didn't realize how uptight concerned you would be.

I would have thought a 6 and 8 year old would have far more fun with a 14 year old than the parents.

When I was young we were often left with older siblings/cousins to look after us and we had a fine time.

Parents just brought the whole thing down and wouldn't let us eat all our sweets whereas my older brother wasn't bothered how many sweets we ate...but he certainly was responsible enough to get 3 of us onto a bus, to the cinema, pay for tickets, get us sweets and find our seats then get us home again.

Looks like I can't bloody win here-
had I fetched her back I would've been uptight
leaving her there makes me neglectful

that was the very moral dilemma that caused me to hesitate in the first place

serves me right for throwing myself into the lion's den in the first place I guess!

Iva, well done you. I think your initial reaction was a sort of gut reaction, why didn't they think about my dd sort of reaction and you calmed down and looked at the bigger picture before getting all indignant.

I'm sure it would be fine to say to the parents when you see them next time, that dd had a lovely time and how great it is that they have a reliable older sibling to help look after littlies, however you not knowing she would be babysitting meant you initially were surprised when they weren't there when you went calling.

Your point is made, subtly, they realise that next time they may have to let the parents know.

Being on a base probably meant the parents felt safer and happier to leave the 14 year old in charge, certainly on our gated compounds, I wouldn't mind as there are always others around.

Sofaqueen, when I was 14 , I too looked after children but their parents were aware that I was as they had actually hired me. That is what makes all the difference to me.

If I sent my Dc to someone for a sleep over and they were looked after by an adult neighbour of the gest (that I did not know) I would be fuming all trhe same IYSWIM?

IvaNightSpare, FWIW I do not think you were neglectful to have left her there, I just would not have done it myself but I must say I am not the keenest person on sleepovers anyway so this would probably have been a good enough excuse for me to back out.

I have one question. Was it to a public swimming pool with lifeguards or was it a garden pool?

The SBAs have a sad history on accidents in MQs swimming pools. More than anything that would influence how I felt about supervision. A 14 year old may be sensible enough to play nicely with a 6 and 8 year old in a safe and familiar environment, may be sensible enough to know when to call for help, but is less likely to be able to lift an 8 year old out of a pool. Sorry for bringing in the worst-case scenario.

It wouldn't worry me - not for a few hours - in fact I think my 8 year old has been left with his friend's teenage sisters when he's been there and I don't remember being told. It didn't occur to me to be criss about it. Having said that my eight year old is very sensible.

I wouldn't be happy about my five year old Ds3 being left with teenagers. In part his age but more because he is a bit crazy and not as sensible as ds2. So maybe it depends on the child being left.

I used to babysit quite a lot when I was 14 and was sensible. With mobile phones it's even easier these days.

The kids weren't swimming, the parents were.

The parents went swimming lexi. Not the children.

Tbh I don't think they were rude - I think they're so used to leaving their six year old with their 14 year old it just didn't occur to them anyone would have an issue with it.

I think I've left extra children with one of my helpers before (usually a postgrad student) to pop to the post office as it's the only opportunity I had. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask the parents - in fact I'm sure all would be fine - 90% of ds2's friends have older siblings and seem used to leaving them in all sorts of arrangements - more than us where ds2 is effectively our oldest for this sort of thing.

I think the ONLY thing anyone did wrong here was not to tell you. I don't see any problem with a 14 year old being left in charge for a couple of hours - my 14 year old dd regularly does this with my 8 year old and his friends. She is much stricter and organized than I am - and they love it!

BUT I wouldn't do it without checking, and I wouldn't ask her to do it in the evening for anyone but her own brother.

It does sound as if they are so used to doing it it didn't cross their minds to check with you.

oh sorry. !!