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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be f*cking fuming at this?

78 replies

IvaNighSpare · 15/02/2010 16:56

I'm totally at a loss as to what to do.
My DD (8) was invited on a sleepover with a 6yr old friend. We only know the parents through brief conversations at the the doorstep when picking up/dropping off kids. I have the parents phone number and know their house.
Anyway, the sleepover was arranged and a few hours ago DD went there. About 20 minutes ago I nipped to her friend's house (2 minutes away) to drop off a forgotten toy and wish DD goodnight. Also to thank the parents for having her.
I was greeted by the two girls at the door and when I asked where the parents were I was told "they're not here, they've gone swimming". I asked who was looking after them and was told the elder 14 yr old daughter was in charge.
AIBU to think this is out-of-order irresponsible behaviour when you are entrusted with someone else's child? I'm not even considering the legality of it, just the moral responsibilty. Why invite a child over if you're not prepared to loom after them?
I don't want to cause a scene but am really tempted to fetch DD back home.
I'm going to give it an hour and drive back to see if the car is back in the drive. If it isn't then I will kick off.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 15/02/2010 17:16

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kittyonthebeam · 15/02/2010 17:17

YANBU!! I'd have taken her back home but then again, I'm one for firing before asking questions. You sound very reasonable and clear on this. I think it's outrageous that they didn't mention this to you. Clearly there will be no repeats. I wouldn't worry too much about your DD's sleepover being spoilt, but rather on her safety. What do you know about that 14 yr old?

SixtyFootDoll · 15/02/2010 17:18

Thye should have told you they were leaving your DD with a babysitter.
IF you are all on a base I assume they are swimming not far away anyway and it is a pretty safe envt all round?

LIZS · 15/02/2010 17:18

I'd expect to have been told if they were planning to go out.

kittyonthebeam · 15/02/2010 17:18

@Custie: but you'd want to be told who they're staying with, no? I think it's the fact that the OP wasn't being told and doesn't know the teenager which is the issue.

OrmRenewed · 15/02/2010 17:19

"i have let my kids stay at lots of parents houses that i don't know "

Me too. Once they have been at school a few years their friendships change all the time. You can't know all the parents.

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/02/2010 17:19

I suppose its entirely possible that the parents, being used to leaving their younger child in the care of their older one, didn't even consider that you might object to your dd also being left with her. If you are going to bring her home, I'd give the parents the benefit of the doubt and think of it as an oversight on their part, rather than anything deceitful or neglectful.

Veritythebrave · 15/02/2010 17:24

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noddyholder · 15/02/2010 17:26

The 14 yr old obviously often looks after her little sister so they prob assumed it was ok and didn't think.It is quite early too not evening so they will probably swim for half an hour and be home.

mumblechum · 15/02/2010 17:26

"What do you know about that 14 yr old?"

Definite overreaction here. What do you need to know ffs?

usualsuspect · 15/02/2010 17:28

I wouldn't be bothered by this at all..also agree you can't possibly always know every parent

lockets · 15/02/2010 17:32

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BlauerEngel · 15/02/2010 17:37

Definitely too much OMGoding about this. Yes, they should have told you beforehand, but if they let the 14 year old babysit her little sis regularly it probably didn't come across strangely to them. I babysat when I was 14, and I didn't have a little sister so this girl is presumably more experienced and capable than I was.

Is this your eldest child by any chance?

Lymond · 15/02/2010 17:45

YANBU.

What is it with sleepovers anyway? We just don't let any of our DC (oldest is 7) do sleepovers, apart from with family, at the moment.
My opinion seems very different to most people (in rl and on mn) though. I don't get it.

Original poster
IvaNighSpare · 15/02/2010 17:45

Right, update!
Left it an hour, did a drive-by, no car in the drive.
So giving the parents the benefit of the doubt, I pulled up round the corner and phoned the house. Teenager answered the phone and when I asked to speak to the parents (under the premise of thanking them and checking DD was settling down) was uncomfortably informed that they were out.
Was just about to go back to the house to fetch DD when their car came round the corner.
Teenage daughter said she tell them to call me but so far no call so I don't know if the message wasn't relayed or they don't want to talk to me, suspecting I'm not happy.
Have left DD there, and am just putting it down to experience and differing parenting methods.
Still not entirely happy but a few lessons learnt.
Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:
TrickyTeenagersMum · 15/02/2010 17:45

We have a big family and our older dd, who is now 19 and studying nursing (that's the kind of kid she is), used to look after the little ones when she was 14. She was fantastic with them and far more sensible, calm and responsible than many twice her age. We always had our phones on us and she knew to call ambulance, run to the neighbours etc in emergency.
They should have told you, just for courtesy, just in case. But they is hard to understand another person's fears if you don't share them, isn't it? For instance the post on here about being fearful if a child opens a door - to me that's just a bonkers way to think, but the poster must think it's a genuine concern.
The parents have gone swimming, not to an all night rave.
I would take a chill pill if I was you.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 15/02/2010 17:48

Blauer engel - I really did lol! I know what you are thinking!!

Original poster
IvaNighSpare · 15/02/2010 17:55

methinks blauer is hinting that i'm the PFB-type....
just a bit shocked really, have calmed down a bit now having got a few other opinions.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 15/02/2010 17:58

YANBU if you invite a child for a sleepover thaN you should supervise them, or inform the parents if things change and if its ok; after all if anything were to happen to your child , they would be responsible. Fair enough if they leave their child with their 14 year old sister thats ok, they have weight up the risks and feel that its ok, but when they have another persons child there no no.

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2010 17:58

A 14 year old is usually quite responsible. And I assume you live 'behind the wire'??

Irishchic · 15/02/2010 17:59

FWIW Iva i dont think you were being unreasonable at all. You should have been informed what the plans were, and I would not have been happy to discover this by accident.

SeaTrek · 15/02/2010 17:59

YANBU

I would have taken my child home, too. Sounds like a very strange thing to do.

Coldhands · 16/02/2010 10:06

Haven't read all the replies.

I used to be left when I was 13 with my 8 year old sister and 3 and 4 year old brothers. Didn't think anything of it at the time but who knows what I would have done in an emergency. Saying that I was a pretty sensible teenager and would have got a neighbour or other reletive something had gone really wrong. I think a sensible 14 year old could probably manage a couple of 8 year olds will the parents went swimming (I'm assuming that they wouldn't be that long). But they should have asked you if you minded first. That would have been the polite thing to do. Also, I used to go to friends houses where my nan (who I grew up with mainly) didn't really know the parents. Didn't we all do that, so some replies are very OTT IMHO.

DandyLioness · 16/02/2010 10:08

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PeedOffWithNits · 16/02/2010 10:20

a sensible 14 yr old can probably safely look after 2 younger kids and react appropriately to any emergency (however, letting them answer the door in the dark was wrong IMO)

But I am another "no sleepovers" (well I have had one friends child for an emergency,when her baby was in hospital, thats all )

  • it just leads to pressure to reciprocate - and we do not have the space, and leads to a cliquiness of those who get invited to playdates/sleepovers and those who do not. the oneupmanship round here is unbelivable. ...
x made pizzas at her sleepover, so Y made muffins and hot chocolate, so z had a beautician round and they all had manicures/pedicures etc (NOT real instances, but you get the idea!)

we never HAD sleepovers when I was a kid and we survived OK! I might let my 10 yo go to a sleepover if she was asked, but only to families we know very well