For thinking that "the mummy wars" are a load of bolleaux?

[theboobmeister]

I'm always hearing about the "mummy wars" in the press. Apparently those of us who work and those who stay at home are permanently at each other's throats in a war over who is more irresponsible/smug/uncaring/letting down the sisterhood/whatever.

Just another example from the weekend papers - "The abuse women hurl at one another over the choices they make is vitriolic; wars between stay-at-home mums and the working breed are toxic and available at any mums' forum you might care to visit."

Thing is, I NEVER come across this so-called war in everyday life, or on MN come to that. I'm a working mum; I have mum-friends who work, some who don't, some with high-powered careers, some who work a bit occasionally. I never sit around slagging off SAHMs with my working friends. WTF would be the point? We all make our own difficult choices and compromises, I doubt any of us see ourselves as the living embodiment of female virtue.

So am I being unreasonable to think that "the mummy wars" are basically an invention of journalists, ad men like our friends at Beta and other people who know J.S. about what it's like being a mum in 2010? Or maybe it was all the rage ten years ago and I missed it? Or maybe I just hang out with stupidly nice people and actually we are all supposed to hate each other?

What do you think?

People will debate it on here; I will debate SAHM/WOHM on here. I will also debate recycling issues on here.

But I don't, in real life, go around making judgements about people based on their recycling habits or what they do with their waking hours.

And I have only ever met one Mother who had a go at me for working. So I suspect nobody cares.

I absolutely do not care what other Mums/or similar think what I do or how I've chosen to raise my children. Why should I? Who are they to judge my choices???
I do not believe there are people who take anonymous Internet boards, such as this one or zillion similar ones, seriously. Why would they?
[slightly repulsed and seriously baffled]

I can't imagine why anyone would give a flying shite what I do with myself. Even I don't care half the time, so why any of you internet sprites would give a shit is beyond me!

Its just the media, innit? Divide and rule and all that jazz.

Well that confirms what I thought, but I mean, why has this idea of mummy wars taken such a hold then?

What sort of debates go on here on MN? I haven't seen any ..

No to RL definietely.

If you looked at MN on teh right day you could get that impression though. There have been some spectacular threads that I have seen.

Threads that usually start out with a new bit of research saying that nurseries are bad, or that nurseries are good, and the fun follows from there

I hate all that nonsense.

In RL, I get it in spades. From choosing to bottle feed my ds to choosing home educate him, I have had other womens opinions hurled at me seemigly endlessly over the past seven years, so much so that I mostly avoid other parents in RL, I can't stand it.

I am suprised that more people haven't found the same. Maybe it is just me.

I think people are just defending their own choices. Not slagging eachother off at all.

We are all different people. It stands to reason that we will differ in our ideals and thoughts on child rearing.

I am a SAHM. I think its right for myself and my family atm. I wouldnt presume to know what is best for others and I dont think other (in genral) mnrs do either.

actually they are right peruse any sahm/working thread for argy bargy

in rl i havent encountered any jip for working but on mn have been asked "why have children if you let strangers watch them..."

internet allows an anonymity and verbosity that one wouldn't see in rl.nature of the medium

also in rl you wouldn't have friends with such views.being diametrically opposed like that you wouldn't be mates

Love the word "bolleaux"- has a certain class to it.
Agree with scottishmummy- people say things on here they wouldn't say in RL.
I have friends whose parenting is more laid back than mine- but they've got great dcs as are mine! Everyone's different.
I've encountered parents at the school gate (not friends) who have made a face when I tell them where ds is probably going to secondary school, but they're not part of my life.

I don't get it in RL, but I am sure I am judged as I in turn -judge evaluate others' choices.

It is under the cover of anonymity on mn that people say what they really think. I know people hold such views. It would be foolish to think otherwise. On mn, I get the full story - which is refreshing, or not, depending on which view it is.

If the media likes to paint it as mummywars (do they? Never really noticed), then it has all the prurience of calling attention to a catfight.

Men judge parenting too, though perhaps not as often as women, not being a subject of particular interest to them.

I have never had any negative comments from other mothers on my SAHM/WOHM choices, nor have I judges others on their choices. It just isn't an issue.

Can be an issue on here though, but only by a few keen posters

love pooexplosions thoughts!

Also, most threads develop into a bf/ff debate after a while. There ought to be some sort of 'Godwin's Law' for it actually...

I think its a little naive to assume judging doesn't go on between mothers that work and those that are at home.

IMO, it is based in a lack of confidence and guilt in thinking you aren't doing the best for your child/setting the best example etc etc. In other words, its people projecting their concerns and issues about themselves and their situation on others. Its not really to do with thinking the other person has made a bad choice.

Of course there are plenty of people out there that are confident and happy in their decisions as well. But to say it doesn't go on is inaccurate.

taffetacat - I agree 100%

FWIW, I get a lot of nasty comments for home ed. It's like being a SAHM with knobs on. The most frequent comment is 'I couldn't do it, I couldn't be with my kids all day', people think I judge them I think, because they send their kids to school (I couldn't give a monkeys what anyone else does), and project those feelings back onto me. I haven't really explained that properly, but your post summed it up perfectly.

Taffetacat and lolapopins, who makes these remarks though? Friends? Random women? I am not disputing it; I am just interested to know.

boobmeister you have not came across an irascible thread on mn

really?

ok, then i suggest go peruse these topics
feeding
and sahm/working mum

for inspiration some words that may ease your initiation are
"why does anyone have children and then use nursery"

"surely everyone knows breast is best

sit back,mummy war time that a team of un negotiators couldn't settle

MillyR - IME, there are a lot of veiled references to it. Other mothers at the school gates, friends, relations, posters on here, wherever you look.

I tend to hear the veiled references appropriate to my situation, as if the person making the remark has an ally.

I've never had any negative comments about it. I have friends in various different situations and it's never been an issue. TBH though, for most of the mums I know the word choice is a bit misleading- they either work because they can't survive on their partner's salary, or stay at home because they'll earn virtually nothing after childcare. And if that's the case, I don't see how someone else could pass judgement.

oh dear, seems I have wrongly painted myself as a Polyanna ... No, I have contributed to many an irascible thread myself - on BF and the Tobin tax! - and for the record, I can be every bit as revolting as the next poster.

But I hadn't come across much in the way of Mummy Wars stuff on MN - so in part was just asking out of curiosity where this stuff was to be found.

But mainly was asking about what goes on in RL, cos my experience is that most of us tend to be pretty courteous to each other face to face - and wanted to know if my experience was unusual.

MillyR - same as taggetacat. I get the veiled references as well, but the remarks about home ed are always pretty full on and come from anyone from family members to random shop workers.

I get a lot of remarks as I don't fit a certain stereotype for any of the things I do IFYSWIM. I home ed, so people think I must be really free and easy, slightly hippy, anti school - I am nothing of the sort. We co slept with ds until he was 4, people thought I must have been an earth mother type and assumed I must BF etc, again, I couldn't be more different.

I have found that people like to slot others into pigeon holes, and if you don't fit into one, it really throws people and they can sometimes get nasty. That's been my experience anyway.

Lolapoppins, I agree with you that people want to stereotype and put people into a box. You are going to get much more grief in life if your choices don't all slot together in the way people expect.

I've never heard any mother slag off another mother's such choices, so yes, I agree, it's a load of old bolleaux!

Oh yes, and believe me, I have spent the most part of my life getting grief for most things I do. But you know what? A couple of years ago, I realized that I am a good person, and if others can't see past their perceptions of certain ways I choose to live, then fine, they don't have to like me. I never, ever judge a book by its cover these days, there is always so much more to a person than what they choose to show you.

No war, no, but certainly a robust exchange of ideas, particularly on Mumsnet.

Contrary to what various articls/threads in the recent weeks and months have argued, Mumsnet has actually become a much calmer, less combative place so I can see how the OP might have got the impression that journalists are just making stuff up.

Pozzled - I was aware after I posted that I referred only to choice and decisions.

Having said that, a few people I know who don't have choice still make reference to it, again IMO as a projection of unhappiness at their situation. And again, then I know people that accept/are happy with their situation.