For thinking that "the mummy wars" are a load of bolleaux?

[theboobmeister]

I'm always hearing about the "mummy wars" in the press. Apparently those of us who work and those who stay at home are permanently at each other's throats in a war over who is more irresponsible/smug/uncaring/letting down the sisterhood/whatever.

Just another example from the weekend papers - "The abuse women hurl at one another over the choices they make is vitriolic; wars between stay-at-home mums and the working breed are toxic and available at any mums' forum you might care to visit."

Thing is, I NEVER come across this so-called war in everyday life, or on MN come to that. I'm a working mum; I have mum-friends who work, some who don't, some with high-powered careers, some who work a bit occasionally. I never sit around slagging off SAHMs with my working friends. WTF would be the point? We all make our own difficult choices and compromises, I doubt any of us see ourselves as the living embodiment of female virtue.

So am I being unreasonable to think that "the mummy wars" are basically an invention of journalists, ad men like our friends at Beta and other people who know J.S. about what it's like being a mum in 2010? Or maybe it was all the rage ten years ago and I missed it? Or maybe I just hang out with stupidly nice people and actually we are all supposed to hate each other?

What do you think?

DaddyJ - has it? That is really interesting.

Have to say, I'm always very impressed at the way that MN seems to have evolved its own etiquette and that almost everyone seems to understand how it works ...

I have encountered a bit of mum-on-mum slagging off , from an otherwise lovely steiner group i used to attend with dd's.

There was quite alot of snobbery towards working mums and anyone in mainstream education. It all got a bit too much for me, and too radical, and frankly too bitchy so i stopped going.

I agree with Lolapoppins, it's often what you represent for others that they find threatening. If one choose to do things a bit differently people think you are looking down on their own decisions. I think basically we're all worried about getting it wrong and constantly wondering if 'they' are getting it right. Parenthood is racked with guilt what ever we do.

Lolapoppins I'm glad that you've realised that what other people think of you is'nt important.... unfortunatly i'm still struggling with that one.

On here, there have been plenty of debates / catfights about it over the years. But in real life, I think most women I ahve come across have more of a live and let live attitude.

That said, almost all the mums I know do work part time, to a greater or lesser extent, even most of those who call themselves SAHM. They work, just evenings or weekends, or phoenix parties or whatever. I can only think of 2/3 mums that genuinely do no paid work at all, and the same that work full time.

Yet, despite part time working being the reality for about 90% of mums I know, it very rarely comes up in these debates! So it does make you wonder how much these so called debates reflect reality.

I've heard a lot of comments about full time working mum's but mainly from childminders. I spend a lot of time with childminders and a lot them feel sorry for the little ones that get dropped off at 8am picked up at six.

My friends do the lot between them andI find they are all a little bit jealous of each other and all look down on each other's choices in a defensive way but would never outwardly express that to each other.

Of course the 'mummy wars' are real, in my town we all met down the park after school and give it some.

Last week the working mums throw loose change at us sahm s, there was some serious bruising on our obviously bare breastfeeding breasts from their copper collections.
This week us sahms are are going to overcook our chelsea buns and aim them at their laptops. That'll show em.

Come on everyone 'FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT...'

i like it bobdog

Lol bobdog It's all a bit silly really, and only really works if you think war = disagreement, with the occasional bitchy remark. Which given that we are currently fighting some real wars with casualties on a regular basis is somewhat crass.

I don't principally define myself as a "mummy", nor so I see the world as being divided into different "breeds" of mum (how offensive is that really). Generally I see parenting as one of the things I do, and a parent as one of the things I am. But I always enjoy a good debate too (although personally like my arguments to be a little more reasoned and evidence based than "the SAHMs are all dull/WOHM don't care about their kids" dichotomy).

In any case all internet boards (at least the ones with more than a few members) are full of stupid arguments - dh hangs out on boards about video gaming, and their arguments get a lot more heated than anything here, and that's about really important things like which gaming console is best

Yes I guess that's it then isn't it - forums allow us to talk about tricky, emotive stuff in a safe way - without having to label everyone or everything as BAD or GOOD, or indeed piss off the neighbour who you have to see every day outside DCs school. Another reason why you can learn everything on MN and nothing from newspaper columns.

PS Love the Fight Club for mums idea. Apparently we control the outcome of the next election - could we get it adopted as govt policy?

I have visions of groups of marauding mums patrolling backstreets, anchorman style.

lolapoppins, you are right in your comments. My nephew home schools his DS's and constantly gets unflattering comments from everyone from relatives to strangers who they may see in school hours.

Even my mum looks puzzled and says"but when do they learn if they don't go to school".

If you addup the amount of quality learning time that most children get, it would amount to about 2 hours a day.

When this is pointed out to people they then go down the road of isolation, not able to socialise. These children play lots of sport so meet lots of different children.

In the area where they live there is a very strong home schooling population and they have outings etc. together.

They are two very well adjusted polite boys of 10 and 12.

They have lots of cousins and friends from church etc.

You say you are reading about the 'mummy wars' in the press. They have to sell the newspapers somehow!

i do think it's bollux yes. stirred up by the media. gives the lovely impression that women all hate eachother.

I agree its total cack!..most of the mothers I meet are working because i do too..I wish i could afford to work less but at the mo I cant...we dont judge each other and if anyone tries to say anything about sahms I'm not having it..each mother does what she has to do for her family imo...

is it just me or does 'bolleaux' sound like a cheap headache inducing vino?

I have not really found it to be a huge problem although I have found a few people in real life have been very critical of my being a SAHM, this might just be me though!

That breast is best thread got quite nasty though didnt it?

I think in RL people just get on with their own lives and dont relaly care what other people do, but on the net people are probably alot more vocal cos at the end of the day they are talking to total strangers and quite frankly some people LOVE an arguement!

No they don't.

I think you'll find they do - dont argue with me.

I've never had anyone say anything to me about being a SAHM, but then as a SAHM with 2 under 3 I dont get out much!

feeding and sahm/working threads bring out all the bulgy eyed zealots and lame cliches.tapping feverishly as it is all humphy faces

you know its time to depart whn someone says why did you bother having children at all

man those gals know how to flame

It won't fit.