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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay married to a man who does not love me?

60 replies

Irons · 13/02/2010 21:07

I didn't know where else to post this. My marriage is pretty much over and my husband seems to blame it all on me. Since having DD 8 months ago I have realised the true man I have married and he is not who I thought he was. He is not a family man and often comments that it was me that nagged for a baby that he did not want. I do everything for our DD as he is not a hands on father. He works all the time and says he prefers to be at work than at home with us and he says I nag all the time. I do everything in the home because I'm on maternity leave but he still complains because he has to cook dinner 4 times a week.

"Spending some time together" or "going on a date" will not save this marriage!

I can't leave because I have nowhere to go and he already has an ex wife and child who he supports.

So really, what I need to know is how do I carry on living with this husband who doesn't love me? How do I cope and get on with it? At the moment I am just poaring all my time and energy into my DD as she is the only thing that makes me happy.

LOL and tonight I found a £5 ASDA voucher on my laptop. I guess this is my valentines gift!

OP posts:
GetDownYouWillFall · 13/02/2010 21:11

Oh dear I am so sorry to hear that. However you have an 8 month old. This is probably going to be one of the most stressful times in your marriage.
It's not uncommon to feel a lack of love both ways at this time.
As you DD grows out of the "baby stage", with all it's troubles, you DH may start to enjoy being with you both?

Do you want to stay together? If not, you shouldn't use "it will be too difficult" as a reason not to break up, because many women have done it. But if you want to make it work there surely must be a way. What did you like about him when you married him?

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/02/2010 21:13

Oh Irons how awful for you... I'm so, so sorry.

What you haven't said, though, is what you want. What do you want/need?

Bonsoir · 13/02/2010 21:14

Why does your DH cook dinner four times a week if you are on maternity leave and have only one child? If he is working FT he might legitimately expect you to have managed to prepare his evening meal.

Ewe · 13/02/2010 21:14

YANBU as such. However, it is very sad that you would accept a life with a man who doesn't love you or want to spend time with you and your DD.

Is there really NO chance at all of fixing things? If not, I personally think you should leave. You deserve more than this.

Niftyblue · 13/02/2010 21:15

This is not about him and how he already supports a ex and child

Its about what you want

Take it you have tried talking and he says ..........?

Georgimama · 13/02/2010 21:18

In some ways I do kind of agree with Bonsoir but that is kind of a side issue because things have clearly reached a make or break point.

Are you actually sure he doesn't love you or are you both stressed/tired/worn down?

I have to say though, if my husband had ever said he didn't want our son I would have left him in a heartbeat. I would have found somewhere to go. A refuge even. Saying he didn't want me as a stress reaction I could forgive. Saying he didn't want DS would just be too far for me.

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 21:26

Actually I've not been able to decide what I want. I go from one extreme to the next. I want to leave then I want to try and make it work. I make efforts and he turns me down/away every time. Then he'll decide he's in a good mood and we'll have a good day of being nice to each other.

As for the question of why I fell in love with him, well he was a charmer (not so charming anymore). It's a long story but to cut it short I had been widowed 9 months before we met and he offered me a new life and I took it. I needed someone to love me and he was there. I still love him but sometimes I hate him too .

Bonsoir to answer your question, he cooks because when we met he knew I don't like cooking and he said he likes cooking. When I worked FT he cooked all the meals because he used to come home much earlier than me, but now he chooses to stay at work longer. And usually while he's cooking I'm putting baby to bed.

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notanumber · 13/02/2010 21:26

What sort of relationship does he have with his oldest child, Irons?

Is it possible that as your daughter gets older his relationship with her will improve (this is quite often true of many fathers - and mothers for that matter!) and therefore will want to spend more time at home and your relationship with him will improve also?

I know this is no good to you right now, but 8 months is very young still and a new baby is real testing point for relationships.

Georgimama · 13/02/2010 21:28

Oh Irons. How long did you know him before you got married? Not long I fear.

notanumber · 13/02/2010 21:29

Bonsoir, I have to say that if if Irons is doing all of the childcare, including the night-time get-ups and the evenings when he is at home, then I'd say that him cooking a share of the dinners as he had done previously is fair enough as the arrival of the baby has not otherwise impacted on his free time or sleep.

twotimes · 13/02/2010 21:33

You have said that he blames you for wanting the child, think about it and answer honestly, did he really want a child to start with? I only ask because as getdown has already said, this is bound to be a really stressful time in your marriage, but if he really didn't want a child, he is bound to feel resentful.

I also agree with Bonsoir, about the dinner thing but as georgimama said, its a side issue. you have to decide whether you love him, and ask him outright whether or not he loves you? Have you had a proper sit down and talk where you have both been able to air your grievances? It may help, you'll be able to tell if your differences are resolvable or whether or not it is possibly not worth it.

Don't use the excuse it will be too difficult; it will be difficult, but you will manage it. Otherwise you are likely to find yourself plunging head first into depression, and with a little baby that's all to easily done.

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 21:38

niftyblue when I try talkinghe says........"stop nagging!"

Georgimama you are right, the cooking is a side issue and probably just one of the pathetic things we argue about. What he said about DD has really hurt me and I can't believe he would say that about such a georgious innocent little thing.

And I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. Everything he does and says tells me so.

The reason I stop myself leaving is because of my daughter. I don't want to unsettle her life. I know she loves her daddy by the way she smiles when he walks in the room. I don't want to take her away from that and like GetDownYouWillFall says, I'm hoping when she is out of the babystage he will be different.

OP posts:
fernie3 · 13/02/2010 21:43

I think the first year of a first childs life is the hardest in any relationship. To be honest from what you say in your post I dont know why you think he doesnt love you, I would put it more down to him being unsure about being a dad and finding the new responsibility and pressure much more difficult to cope with than you are. This doesnt make him a bad person and even what he said about you daughter doesnt strike me as AWFUL rather a sign of stress.

If you really dont want to stay with him then of course it is not the right thing to do BUT I would really try and see how things go once the baby stage is over.

heQet · 13/02/2010 21:45

How bloody ridiculous!

Georgimama · 13/02/2010 21:46

I really think what you do depends on what he genuinely thinks and that is almost impossible to know, certainly impossible for us to know.

But if you really think he doesn't love you or want your child, I have no idea what is keeping you there. Pride? I don't mean that nastily, honestly. But there are more important things than maintaining a good shop front.

heQet · 13/02/2010 21:46

Oh god, no no no no no. that was not meant for this thread!! It was meant for this one

sorry sorry sorry

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 21:51

Phew, thanks for all the replies, I'm trying to keep up so do apologise if I miss anyone.

Not long Gerogimama, I moved in after a month and we got married 2 years later and this year we'll be married 4 years. Blimey, it doesn't feel that long!

notanumber he is fine with his older son, they do loads together and he loves him dearly. I'm hanging onto the hope that he will be the same when our DD grows up. And yes, I do do all the childcare.

twotimes I know you are right. He does resent me for having the baby. I just wish he had said no before we decided to start trying. That part he enjoyed!

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 13/02/2010 21:57

BUT you are not nagging
Your trying to sort it

At 8 months dd will not notice if he is there
But as she gets older she will notice that he does`nt pay her any attention

Irons it is stressful having a baby
My h was`nt into our Dcs until they got about 1
But he did get involved nappy changing,bathing,feeding etc etc

I too am a crap cook and prefer H cooking
But maybe swapping
You cook and he puts dd to bed
Maybe he needs time to bond with your dd
Maybe he is feeling stressful with being the one at work and the main bread winner
I am not making excuses for him
Honestly I am not

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 21:57

fernie3 thank you, what you say in your first paragraph does make a lot of sense.

heQet you're excused

Georgimama Pride probably is one of the reasons. I'm very good at playing happy housewife. The only other person who knows the full truth is my mother.

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 13/02/2010 21:59

Also it takes two to make a baby
as you say he knew you were trying and he enjoyed it
so no surprises when it happened

blueshoes · 13/02/2010 21:59

Irons, did you know your dh did not want a child when you got together with him?

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 22:03

Niftyblue I have tried offering the swap and he turns it down. Perhaps he is scared, I don't know but he certainly won't admit it if I asked. How do I help him if he is stressed? I have often wondered if he is suffering with "postnatal depression". He sure acts like it sometimes

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2010 22:04

Irons: "I just wish he had said no before we decided to start trying. That part he enjoyed!"

So your dh never made it clear he did not want children and even went along with actively trying to get you pregnant? Then he is bang out of order now.

I am not sure about the significance of your comment about your dh enjoying it. It is always possible to have sex (and enjoy it) without trying for a baby if you use contraception.

QueenofWhatever · 13/02/2010 22:06

This is a Saturday night post after a couple pof glasses of wine and you might not want it. But I knew within a week of DD being born that my ex had no intention of being a 'real' Dad and that I was almost incidental.

Yes, having a young baby is very hard work but there is also the argument that the real person comes out in periods of stress. He doesn't seem to be really there for you or your child. i talked myself out of leaving saying that having a young bay was stressful etc., but I wish I had left there and then. Your baby actually won't miss him that much at this age and I think it's more important that you are happy, it'll also make you a better parent.

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 22:07

blueshoes to be honest I can't remember discussing it much in the beginning, but as the marriage progressed and I started to develop fertility issues I started to push for it a little because I was scared I'd never be able to conceive. He said not now but maybe in the future, so I left it for another year then brought it up again and he agreed to start trying. I did get very emotional about it so perhaps he felt sorry for me.

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