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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay married to a man who does not love me?

60 replies

Irons · 13/02/2010 21:07

I didn't know where else to post this. My marriage is pretty much over and my husband seems to blame it all on me. Since having DD 8 months ago I have realised the true man I have married and he is not who I thought he was. He is not a family man and often comments that it was me that nagged for a baby that he did not want. I do everything for our DD as he is not a hands on father. He works all the time and says he prefers to be at work than at home with us and he says I nag all the time. I do everything in the home because I'm on maternity leave but he still complains because he has to cook dinner 4 times a week.

"Spending some time together" or "going on a date" will not save this marriage!

I can't leave because I have nowhere to go and he already has an ex wife and child who he supports.

So really, what I need to know is how do I carry on living with this husband who doesn't love me? How do I cope and get on with it? At the moment I am just poaring all my time and energy into my DD as she is the only thing that makes me happy.

LOL and tonight I found a £5 ASDA voucher on my laptop. I guess this is my valentines gift!

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 13/02/2010 22:07

O.k do you go out and leave him with DD?

I don`t think that you got pregnant on purpose without his knowledge

If it was you that "nagged " for a baby he could have done something about it
BUT he did`nt

Georgimama · 13/02/2010 22:09

I agree with Queen, but then I have also had wine. TBH I would go for blazing row in attempt to clear air/force him to be utterly up front and unless there is an epiphany, I would leave.

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 22:13

QueenofWhatever thank you, and I hope you're enjoying the wine.

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 13/02/2010 22:14

I too have had wine

What he felt sorry for you?
No no no no no

Having a baby is not that

He knew Irons
Stop beating yourself up
He knew what unprotected sex meant

You are not "nagging"

blueshoes · 13/02/2010 22:18

Once your dh agreed to start trying, he can no longer back out! The cheek of him to now turn around and blame your 'nagging'. If he had any backbone, he should take responsibility for his decisions.

I am unable to see his point of view at all. I am sorry to say I agree with Queen.

Original poster
Irons · 13/02/2010 22:19

Thank you for all your replies. I have to be off now as he's on his way home. It's been really good to chat with people, other than myself, about this. I hope I can make a decision or maybe in time things will get better. Perhaps even when I return to work he will be less stressed and start to return to his old self.

You have all been helpful and all your comments have been appreciated, even the wine fueled ones

OP posts:
twotimes · 13/02/2010 22:48

Actually I agree with queenofwhatever, if you leave now it wont affect your dd as much as she won't be as attached. It may also give dh a chance to think about what he really wants. Is it possible you could move in with your mum (just temporarily whilst you sort yourself out) as you say she knows the truth. I'm sure it would take the pressure off.

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2010 23:05

'So really, what I need to know is how do I carry on living with this husband who doesn't love me?'

Do you really want to though? Is your self esteem really that low that this is better than starting again, and maybe, just maybe, in the future meeting a man who loves you?

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2010 23:10

"Why does your DH cook dinner four times a week if you are on maternity leave and have only one child? If he is working FT he might legitimately expect you to have managed to prepare his evening meal"

So it's OPs fault because she expects not to have to do EVERYTHING? What a stupid comment!

saggyhairyarse · 13/02/2010 23:11

Sounds like my DH, and I knew at 8 months what sort of husband/family man he was going to be and he hasn't changed. Interestingly I had a bereavement shortly before meeting him...Don't stay for your child, you will end up as miserable as me.

CardyMow · 14/02/2010 01:20

I can come to this from the point of view of a child who grew up knowing that it was only her dad who was interested in her. My dad ended up an LP to me. It was infinately preferable to when they were together and my mother just ignored me, or blamed my dad for my being here. . Get out now. For your DD's sake. She shouldn't have to grow up feeling unwanted by one of her parents. And she will feel that if you stay with him, you are colluding with him, allowing him to ignore her or be indifferent to her. Do you wonder if his split with his ex-W was in any way to do with the same issues? Because if it was then he won't change. I agree, he might just not 'do' the baby stage, but when does he start getting interested?

Or could it be that he feels that he's failing his other child by not being there all the time and therefore is trying to be 'fair' to his other child and only be there in mind for your DD an equal time as he is for his DS? That is a possibility, as he is seeing his son maybe once a fortnight, and feels he is 'pushing his son out' if he does too much for your DD. And may not want to talk about it as it would be a very emotive situation for him, and some men...err...aren't keen on admitting when they feel they are failing at something, or if a subject is emotive. Could you have his DS to stay with you? that may ease some of it. And have him to stay more often. Do you get involved with his DS? because if not, why not? His ds will always be a part of your DH's life, and if you want to be a part of DH's life, you will have to maybe try harder with his DS. For your DD's sake.

CardyMow · 14/02/2010 01:26

All you have said about his older son is he does a lot with him. Do you not go out as a family, you, your DH, his DS and your DD? In a blended family, there are a lot more 'sticky points' than if neither of you have children from other relationships. And you say that you do all the childcare. Does that include for your DH's DS as well when he is with you? I'm not trying to be nasty, just trying to see all the points of view here, as I've also been with someone (my Ex-fiance) who had dc's from a previous relationship, and it took a lot of work to try to integrate everyone.

Having said all that, if he GENUINELY has no reason for being like this, then he is being a twunt and you would be best to get rid before your DD is old enough to notice his indifference.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2010 01:42

Your baby is 8 months old. She will not miss him (and he will not miss her, sadly). He has already one child and one ex wife in his wake. He is resentful of the baby, resentful of cooking, uninvolved as far as the baby goes, unloving towards you, accusing you of nagging. When someone accuses you of nagging, they have checked out, emotionally. It is a sign that he resents being reminded of his promises to you, the commitment he made when he married you. He doesn't love you.

He is obliged to support his child, non? This can be worked out through the divorce courts. You don't have to stay. You don't have to feel miserable and apologetic for wanting a child and going through pregnancy and giving birth and taking care of her. You are married to a loser who doesn't love you.

Please don't get caught up in hoping things will get better, hoping things will change, hoping he will change. Confronting the situation head-on is hard to contemplate, but you will waste precious years lost in malignant optimism.

Original poster
Irons · 14/02/2010 11:36

Well the poo poo hit the fan last night and I've pretty much made up my mind that this marriage is not worth sticking around for. In fact I don't think it is possible to continue to live in a loveless marriage because the resentment and hatred will just continue to grow.

Thank you for all the comments, I think you have all helped me realise what I should do. Some of you have said DD won't remember and you are right because I was about 2 years old when my parents divorced and I don't remember any of it so the whole "divorce" thing never affected me as a child.

Loudlass I have tried to do things with him and his son as a family and I have asked him many times but he pushes us out. He'll do things that can't involve us like take him to movies or football. The age gap between the children is very big and his DS is almost 13 so makes it rather difficult, but when he is here I try to involve him with the baby but given his age he is more interested in telly and computer games.

Unfortunately I can't go live with my mum because she is married living in a 2 bed flat and has my 24 year old brother living with her. Eeek, might be a bit cramped .

Well, I have a colleague who is a divorce solicitor and I have decided to put my pride in my pocket and phone her tomorrow for her help. I also have the phone number for the local housing needs manager. I guess I just needed the push to get things going. So here goes......

Thank you again for all the input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irons · 14/02/2010 11:37

PS: Happy Valentines Day

OP posts:
Georgimama · 14/02/2010 12:09

You poor thing. Good luck. I'm afraid it does actually sound like you are doing the right thing, unfortunately.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2010 13:23

oh dear, Irons, I feel very sad for you

it seems you have really tried, but it will never work if he isn't putting in at least the same level of effort

it really is better to split now...before his disinterest in you starts to erode your self-esteem and before your dd is old enough to notice

all the very best of luck to you

keep us posted and tell us how you are x

blueshoes · 14/02/2010 14:53

You are a brave woman, Irons. It is the right thing to do for your dd and your future happiness, which Will come once you have sorted this out. I wish you and dd all the best. You both deserve so much better.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2010 15:07

Hats off to you, Irons. No point in trying to clap with one hand.

2old4thislark · 14/02/2010 15:15

Oh dear, I was going to say stick with it for a little longer - prob a bit late for that now. It's very stressful when you have an 8 month old baby, for both of you. He's working hard to support 2 families so there is a lot of pressure on him too.

If you're rowing all the time then that's obviously not a good environment for a baby.
However, if you have a nice lifestyle but need a little more love and attention, maybe that can be worked on.

I divorced and am on my second marriage, I know my children would have liked us to be together. I do have regrets sometimes as I think our problems were fixable. Sometime it's hard to see that at the time though.

Elasticwoman · 14/02/2010 17:10

Irons, do you think it is worth being upfront with dh and saying

"I am very unhappy because I don't think you love me or our baby. Do you want me to leave? Is there something I could do to make you love me again?"

If he won't let you say it and accuses you of nagging before you can get that much out, you could put it in writing, perhaps on the fridge door, and be out when he reads it.

In your position, I wouldn't want him to have the opportunity to blame you for the separation.

Georgimama · 14/02/2010 17:26

Does it matter if he blames her? I presume (not that she has probably got as far as thinking about it) that the OP will eventually divorce her husband on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

blueshoes · 14/02/2010 17:59

Elastic, why is it important that Irons not be blamed by her dh? In his mindset, he will blame whether or not he is in the right. I don't think Irons needs to worry about this issue.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 14/02/2010 18:44

Irons - out of interest - how old was his older child when your DH split up with his ex ?

mathanxiety · 14/02/2010 19:37

He accuses her of nagging. He says he prefers being at work to being at home with her and his adorable little baby. He resents cooking. He does no hands-on care for the baby. He makes no effort to integrate the OP and the baby with his DS and forge some sort of family atmosphere together.

He is a shallow charmer who has lost interest now that responsibility and the actual effort of sustaining a relationship has appeared. Things are not shiny and new any more and he has checked out.