to stay married to a man who does not love me?

[Irons]

I didn't know where else to post this. My marriage is pretty much over and my husband seems to blame it all on me. Since having DD 8 months ago I have realised the true man I have married and he is not who I thought he was. He is not a family man and often comments that it was me that nagged for a baby that he did not want. I do everything for our DD as he is not a hands on father. He works all the time and says he prefers to be at work than at home with us and he says I nag all the time. I do everything in the home because I'm on maternity leave but he still complains because he has to cook dinner 4 times a week.

"Spending some time together" or "going on a date" will not save this marriage!

I can't leave because I have nowhere to go and he already has an ex wife and child who he supports.

So really, what I need to know is how do I carry on living with this husband who doesn't love me? How do I cope and get on with it? At the moment I am just poaring all my time and energy into my DD as she is the only thing that makes me happy.

LOL and tonight I found a £5 ASDA voucher on my laptop. I guess this is my valentines gift!

Irons, I think you are doing the right thing, speaking to your colleague, phoning up about housing etc...

I also think you should lay it out for him - (as elasticwoman suggested), ask him if he still loves you, ask him if he wants to work this out - like an adult. If he does, tell him what you need him to do, if he is in any way an arse when you ask him - tell him what he is going to do, is get an overnight bag and leave - right there & then - no fucking faffing about!

At least then you will know - you wont ever doubt yourself...

It's always a shame we can't hear both sides of the story. There will obviously be a lot more to this that Irons has told us. The problem with sharing your problems on this type of forum is that people are telling you things you want to hear. They do not know what DH is really like and only going on snippets.

You mentioned that you have discussed things with your mother? I presume she knows DH well? What advice does she give you?

Without sounding abrupt, things seemed to have moved on pretty quickly since you started this thread!! Do you take any blame for the situation you are in or is it all down to DH?

By the way, a £5 ASDA voucher is not to be scoffed at. I didn't get anything....

If you're miserable and you've tried working on the relationship to the best of your ability, and the response to your suggestions is that you're nagging, you're talking to the hand, cos H ain't listening. No doubt the H would have plenty to say about his half of this, but if he doesn't want to engage with her in forging a better relationship together, then it's clearly not a priority for him, and he and his attitude are a major part of the problem.

I notice that Irons has not come back on with any further comments.

Irons is in a difficult position: she is not happy in her marriage. Her dh is not happy either. She has 3 alternatives: either put up with the status quo, leave the relationship, or do something to try to heal it.

I suggest that even if in the end she does leave (or he leaves her) she needs to feel that she tried to put it right. They must have loved each other in the beginning and now there is a child whose future is very much at stake.

When she tries to talk to him, he does not listen. That makes it hard for her to make any changes. That's why I suggested pinning a note to the fridge. But maybe actions speak louder than words. Instead of focussing on her own hurt, maybe she could try Turning the Other Cheek. (Oh where could i possibly have got that idea from?) Perhaps she could surprise him with some unexpected favour eg cooked dinner when he gets home from work one day when he is expecting to have to cook it himself. It seems to me that the terms of their relationship need to be renegotiated; not necessarily who does the cooking and when, but if Irons can get him in a receptive mood and offer to meet some need of his, maybe, just maybe he will want to meet her half way.

If Irons does leave him, she may very well find herself out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Hello again. Thanks for all the further comments. I have read them all and taken it all on board. My solicitor colleague has suggested Relate for some relationship counselling. At first I said no, but after having a think I have decided that it may be a very good idea. H has not yet decided if he wants to join me, but I have made the appointment and given him the option to go with me. Now we will have to talk and listen to each other. If things still don't work after this then I truly know I have tried everything!

You are quite right to try. youve both been through a very stressful time and even when you go back to work it wont end so counselling is an excellent idea. At least you would have tried. The saying marry in haste and repent at leisure says it all. May be you rushed the whole thing inc DD without really knowing (not so) DH. I suspect it won't work out, in which case a) get your job up and running again. b) sort childcare. c) stash as much money away as possible d) set up a good network of friends and family and e) get solid legal advice in the hope that you get to keep the house and H pays child support. (with two children to support, he may think twice about being Mr Charming and conning another woman.
good luck x

I think you are doing the right thing by going to Relate and investigating if there's a future. You sound angry and resentful (and with good reason) and you've got stuck in a rut of arguing/him withdrawing, with you getting even more upset and feeling rejected. I have definitely been there. Apparently the first year after a baby is born is the peak time for couples splitting up and I can really understand why, even just because of the sleep deprivation.If he turned round and said he loved you and wanted it to work, I get the impression you would stay in a heartbeat which is why you shouldn't just quit now without at least exploring how he really feels (past the bluster and cross words and nasty things said in the heat of the moment).

I also think leaving him literally holding the baby for an afternoon (or longer) would be a great idea, his comment suggests he doesn't feel that bonded (again, not your fault) and there's no better way to solve that than simply leaving them to it. My husband was just a terrible dad for the first year, worked late, opted out of nappy changes/baths and generally seemed to be heading towards being an absent father. We had to swop roles for money reasons and he is now fantastic with the children and takes an active part in their lives. So, I don't think this is necessarily set in stone.

I have no idea whether this is a dead relationship and he really is awful, or whether you are just mad and sad at his behaviour but you still both want to be together and are just showing stress. I think it is worth working out which one it is.

Even if you left him, you would be stuck with him as a father to your daughter. That actually depressed me a bit at times, that we would always be linked whatever, even if we got divorced. But on that basis, I'd see how the next few months go, with a little more sleep, a little more understanding, things might look a lot different. Or not, in which case you have the number of the solicitor handy.

Thank you ladies. I like the open and honest opinions of everyone. It really opens your eyes to the whole situation.

Irons - I'm glad to see you're giving Relate a go, that will give you more time whatever happens during the sessions.

I split with my husband when I was pregnant and he tried laying that 'you were the one who wanted to get pregnant' crap on me too. Bit sad that we were trying to blame each other for the presence of our gorgeous baby

For us it was absolutely the right thing to do, some time on his own sorted out his behaviour and we have a much better relationship as a result (not forgetting that you will have to maintain a close relationship with your husband if you do split, especially if you want him to cooperate with convenient times to see your DD!). My ex was also one of those men who seems better with slightly older children, he really wasn't that interested in our DS when he was a baby and behaved accordingly.

All the best.

Irons, can I just add - I admire your backbone in trying to make your relationship work. The fact that you are prepared to put in the work says a lot about you.

I really hope that things work out well for you. You really deserve to be happy.