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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my mum bloody rude?!

62 replies

ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:03

I am 40+ weeks pregnant, have SPD and a very active toddler and I have a chest infection .

Whilst working P/T my mum usually has DS twice a week. Whilst I have been off on maternity leave she hasn't offered to have him.......I feel quite hurt by this as I have been really poorly and have asked for some help but there is always a long sigh and I am made to feel like I am not being a pain. She is hard work so I am not massively shocked by this.

Anyway, we now share the same hairdresser and both have an appointment for Monday. To make it easier for the hairdresser it was agreed that she would do both of us at my house. As I am now overdue, when my midwife called today to book me a home visit and a cervical sweep I thought perfect, come on Monday and there will be my mum and the hair dresser to keep an eye on DS and I can get sweep down upstairs etc.

mum tells me tonight that she was going to cancel her appointment on Monday (not much notice to poor hair dresser) and I was veryt rude to assume she would be here to watch DS

On her way out the door she said to my DH that she should have taken the day off (she knows we can't afford for him to take a day off)

I felt terrible for my DH and its clear she won't be giving us any help if the baby comes next week.

AIBU or was she horribly rude??

OP posts:
Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:04

Sorry :

"On her way out the door she said to my DH that he should have taken the day off (she knows we can't afford for him to take a day off)

OP posts:
MrsToffeeCrisp · 12/02/2010 20:09

Sounds like my Mum. Very hot and cold and can't be relied upon for help with DC. I think my parents don't like to feel they're expected to help. They like to enjoy the Dc when the mood takes them, which is reasonable if I sit and think about it, just doesn't make my life any easier!

I wouldn't expect DH to take time off a sweep as will most likely be on paternity leave very soon. Do you have a friend who could sit with Ds instead?

Sorry not really any help, but recognised the situation and had SPD myself, so know what you're going through.

SteakAndChips · 12/02/2010 20:09

You say she's hard work. Maybe she doesn't really like looking after your DS and his worried you'll be needing her even more when the baby comes?

YANBU but if she's hard work she might think you are...

Did she look after your DS before you got pregnant?

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:14

Thank-you MrsToffeeCrisp (you have me craving a toffee crisp now! )

There is every chance he will have a sleep but I can just see it now.....he won't go down and will pulling at my leg with the strange lady in the house.

She didn't even ask how I was today

Feeling very unloved

OP posts:
KimiLivesInStarbucks · 12/02/2010 20:14

Just make sure you are too busy for her to come and visit the new baby when it comes

2rebecca · 12/02/2010 20:14

Maybe you should have asked your mum if she'd look after your son whilst she had the sweep, rather than expecting her to do so. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to her about how much childminding she's happy (and the happy bit is important she shouldn't feel emotionally blackmailed into it, he's your kid) to do.
All the sighing and huffiness make it sound like she's had enough and is maybe getting too old for it/ has other priorities.
Sit and discuss it. and be prepared to look for paid help if she's had enough.

2rebecca · 12/02/2010 20:15

sorry, whilst YOU had the sweep.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:16

SteakAndChips she always says she adores him and he is very well behaved etc. She has him twice a week when I am working.

OP posts:
minkulus · 12/02/2010 20:16

Oh bless you! Mother's can be bloody unpredictable when it comes to helping out with DCs. I think she was being a bit of a PITA about helping out with your DS and as you see it, it makes more sense to get it all done whilst she was there - Hair done, baby sat, sweep ! I must admit the last bit made me a little uneasy, I'm not sure i would even want my mum around when they did that! however, do you think maybe your Mum was worried in case the sweep bought things on a bit sharpish and wanted you to have you DH there to help out, iyswim?

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:19

Perhaps SHE should have the sweep!

I really don't get it, she was coming here anyway to have her hair done.

Re age she is 53.....very active......the sighing and huffiness is over everything! She hasn't got any friends as she is such hard work. She moves from job to job as she falls out with everyone......I know I sound a cow but its true!

OP posts:
MrsToffeeCrisp · 12/02/2010 20:19

Forgot to add, if she's anything like my Mum she'll just turn up on Monday as if you knew she was going to be there all along, be nice as pie and leave you confused why you were worrying all weekend.

(BTW was addicted to Toffee Crisps whilst pregnant, started believing DS3 might come out in an orange wrapper!)

MrsToffeeCrisp · 12/02/2010 20:22

Maybe my Mum has secret family.. Also 53, no friends, sighing and huffing...!!

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:24

Thanks minkulus DH could be home really quickly if needed. She knows how worried he is about work at the moment and I really felt she was just being horrible to him.

LOL ToffeeCrisp!

OP posts:
Tryharder · 12/02/2010 20:25

YANBU. At all. I read thread after thread on MN about grandparents who won't lift a finger to help and I find it quite sad. Surely families should do all they can to help each other.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:27

Tryharder thats the mad thing! Her mum helped her 24/7!

OP posts:
coralanne · 13/02/2010 08:11

Funny Tryharder, I read thread after thread on MN about grandparents who want to help all the time but are not allowed to because it doesn't fit in with DD or DIL's timetable

I think sometimes the grandparents just give up because they get tired of second guessing if they are doing or saying the right thing.

mitfordsisters · 13/02/2010 09:14

ibet - read your last thread about this. It's confusing and upsetting when people are inconsistent - blowing hot and cold is worse than being consistently unhelpful imo.

I would be inclined to make different arrangements that don't require her to be around. Do you know anyone locally who has a teenage daughter who could be a 'mothers help' a few hours here and there, so you don't have to run the gauntlet of rejection every time.

Try to be cool with her as when you get upset about this stuff she will assume the power.

Also agree that you might an assumption that she would mind ds during the sweep. Think you need to start assuming she will not be helping and act accordingly. Sad I know - wish she was there for you.

diddl · 13/02/2010 09:27

I think you were BU to assume your mum would watch your toddler tbh.

It seems she was OK to help when you worked, but now that your not working she perhaps wants to be a grandmother, not an unpaid childminder.

sheepgomeep · 13/02/2010 09:43

My mum has never looked after my dd2 ever. Even though she lives in the next village. In fact she has only seen the kids for 10 mins in about 6 weeks claiming she leads a very busy life ie she works full time (fair enough) but then goes out all the time with her friends.

She then wonders why dd2 won't go to her

violethill · 13/02/2010 10:19

Agree with diddl.

She already looks after your child twice a week while you earn. Perhaps she's feeling used or taken for granted. Why don't you organise a babysitter when your child needs looking after? It's ridiculous to think about your husband taking a whole day off. Join the real world where people organise themselves and pay!

groundhogs · 13/02/2010 10:24

I think your mum thinks she's 'too flaming young' to be a Grandmother.....

This really pisses me off, when it was HER turn, HER mother would most likely have been younger than she is now, but embraced her role... OF COURSE you need her to help at 40 sodding weeks, who ELSE are you going to need?

My mum was 64 when she trotted out with the words 'I never wanted to be a Grandmother', she's come round since, obviously, but I tell you I was livid with her at the time.

I asked her if my Nan said the same to her? (well known that she wasn't anything other than delighted..) I asked her how long Nan stayed with her when i was born, and how proud she was to have a granddaughter.

I told her that for her to deny me MY family for the sake of her own vanity was the ultimate in selfishness.

Like I said, she came round in the end, and I got a blushing apology which I accepted.

She's your mum, she will always be your mum. If you think she's letting you down, tell her. She ISN'T being there for you, not at all and tbh she needs it pointing out to her. Tell her off, blame it on hormones later if you need to

You are in a position right now where you need all the help you can get and her huffing and puffing about and making snide remarks etc etc, are just unreasonable. She needs to step up, fast.

coralanne · 13/02/2010 11:07

Yes! she is your mum. She's not your unpaid babysitter, slave, general dogsbody.

The last few posters have sounded like spoilt litle schoolchildren.

I ran into a friend the other day pushing one grandchild in the pram with the other one clinging to the pram. She gets ONE day a month off from work.

Guess what does on the one day. Looks after the grandchilden. Yes she was tired but as she said "what could I say".

Does it ever enter your head that your mum has had all those years bringing her own children up and now she wants some "me" time of her own?

When you decide as a couple to have children you should not bring parents into the equation.

If you are planning on going back to work, then childcare should be sorted.

It just seems to me grandchilden can only be enjoyed with strings attached. i.e. Yes you can see them but only if you are my beck and call.

Stop moaning and start acting like an adult.

lou031205 · 13/02/2010 11:12

My Mum looks after my children alot. Mainly for DD1s appts. But I always ask, never assume.

Lighteningbugs · 13/02/2010 11:16

She is your mother not your childrens mother it is your turn now take a bit of responsability. There are loads of women out there that have to manage without any free child care at all.

Lighteningbugs · 13/02/2010 11:20

"I read thread after thread on MN about grandparents who won't lift a finger to help and I find it quite sad." I really don't see how lookiing after a child two days a week while your dd works is not lifting a finger.

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