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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my mum bloody rude?!

62 replies

ibetitsonlyme · 12/02/2010 20:03

I am 40+ weeks pregnant, have SPD and a very active toddler and I have a chest infection .

Whilst working P/T my mum usually has DS twice a week. Whilst I have been off on maternity leave she hasn't offered to have him.......I feel quite hurt by this as I have been really poorly and have asked for some help but there is always a long sigh and I am made to feel like I am not being a pain. She is hard work so I am not massively shocked by this.

Anyway, we now share the same hairdresser and both have an appointment for Monday. To make it easier for the hairdresser it was agreed that she would do both of us at my house. As I am now overdue, when my midwife called today to book me a home visit and a cervical sweep I thought perfect, come on Monday and there will be my mum and the hair dresser to keep an eye on DS and I can get sweep down upstairs etc.

mum tells me tonight that she was going to cancel her appointment on Monday (not much notice to poor hair dresser) and I was veryt rude to assume she would be here to watch DS

On her way out the door she said to my DH that she should have taken the day off (she knows we can't afford for him to take a day off)

I felt terrible for my DH and its clear she won't be giving us any help if the baby comes next week.

AIBU or was she horribly rude??

OP posts:
gorionine · 13/02/2010 11:30

I think you are an bit U expecting that she should be there whenever you think she should.

I do not think she is rude, she just has her own life now shwe has finished raising her child/ren.

Lighteningbugs · 13/02/2010 11:33

Does she take care of your children for free ? Have you calculated what the cost of that childcare would be ? Is she reliable when she does this ? Do you thank her ?

googietheegg · 13/02/2010 12:04

I totally agree with Coralanne. My brother and his wife are like this with my mum and she feels like she can never do enough for them. Whatever she does do is just what's expected so she's given up. I can't talk to him about it as it just ends up in a row.

You're the parent. Look after your own kids. Anything else is a bonus.

violethill · 13/02/2010 12:19

Yes, Coralanne's post sums it up excellently.

It's really quite offensive the way some people turn the grandparent/grandchild relationship into something with strings attached. And I think often people fail to see the reality of what they're doing, they just think 'Oh well, granny enjoys doing it, she never complains' etc. What would they prefer? That granny moans like hell and makes the child's life miserable? Of course, most grandparents won't do that, because they love their grandchildren and after all it's not the child's fault.

Be an adult. Think seriously about the fact that grandparents have a life of their own and maybe don't want to be used as free childcare. Let them enjoy their grandchildren without conditions being attached.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/02/2010 16:19

I agree with Coralanne in that their are some very selfish people on this thread. Having a child/children is a parents choice and not something that a grandparents chooses. They have raised their own children and many want to simply enjoy their free time with no conditions attached to seeing their grandchildren.

OP, YABU - you choose to have another child and sound like you expect your mum to be at your beck and call to look after the child you have. Perhaps she thinks it will get even worse when there are two children. You should be very grateful that you have enjoyed free child care whilst you were at work and now let your mum enjoy her free time. If you need childcare, find a regular paid babysitter.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 18:00

Firstly I am always hughly greatful to both my parents for having my DS.

Secondly, they offered to have him whilst I worked, in the same way their parents helped them.

With regards to my issue about Monday, my mum was always going to come to me anyway (to have her hair done) the fact that the midwife would be here is a bonus really.

I agree that he is my DS and I am totally responsible for his care, however what happened to a family raising a child??? They always say how much they love having him.

My mum did say she would continue to help me out on maternity leave. She moaned at me for weeks to stop work as I was so sick and the SPD was so bad I have been on crutches.....then when I do stop she doesn't offer to help me out......my point is she blows hot and cold all the time and its emotionally very hard when she is so cold sometimes.

Comments such as "be an adult" seem really rude and unhelpful to me.

Family should stick together. I am 40 weeks pregnant, really exhusted, not 100% and need my mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 18:03

Thank-you groundhogs, that really is just how I feel. Hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
violethill · 13/02/2010 18:05

'I agree that he is my DS and I am totally responsible for his care, '

But then you go on to whinge about her nor helping when you want!

If you're genuinely really grateful to her for already having your child two days a week while you earn, then accept that she can't always be at your beck and call. If she blows hot and cold, maybe it's her way of showing that actually, she feels put on. As I said before, she's hardly going to take it out on the child is she - not his fault.

Read the signals she's giving off. She isn't coming on Monday. That's her decision. You need to find someone to look after your child while the midwife comes, same as countless other people do. It doesn't necessitate your husband taking a day off - just get organised. And in future, I would make other arrangments, so that you're not assuming that your mum will always be around when it suits you.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 18:11

I wouldn't ask DH to take time off violethill I have already said that.

I have made alternative arrangements for Monday. I never expect her to be at my beck and call......the point was she was always coming here, changed her mind last minute and left me a bit stuck, no big deal, I arrage something else.....its how cold she can be that upset me. I'm sitting there coughing up crap into a bowl, over due, and needing a bit of love and she is all moan moan moan.

Anyway your clearly sick of me moaning violethill....so I'll leave you to your saturday night.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/02/2010 18:14

OP, do you actually ask your Mum "would you please do this for me?", or do you arrange& assume?

She offered to have him whilst you worked-but how did this come about?
If for eg you were talking about returning to work and childcare being expensive, perhaps she felt she had to offer?

You are grateful-but do you say it or assume she knows?

violethill · 13/02/2010 18:16

Well it's crap if you're feeling really ill, so you have my sympathy there, as I was always sick as a bloody dog through my pregnancies!

I still think the best thing for your own piece of mind is never to assume in future. That way, she'll get the message that you're not relying on her. I mean, if she were still coming on Monday, and you'd already lined up a babysitter for while the midwife came, then if she started saying 'Oh I'd have been happy to keep an eye on him', then you could smile sweetly and say 'But I didn't want to take you for granted'. Puts the control back with you.

BTW, is it possible to leave the toddler in front of a dvd while you have the sweep? (I have no idea how long they take though!)

saintlydamemrsturnip · 13/02/2010 18:17

I would be upset as well op. After all she was going to be at your house anyway and it's not a huge ask to request 15 mins supervision whilst you're in the same house. Presumably she could have had her hair cut at the same time. And you're right it is shirt notice to cancel the hairdresser- many would charge a cancellation fee.

Is she being a bit of a martyr because you're about to have lots of attention do you think?

If I'm ever that mean spirited to my grown up children someone take me outside and shoot me.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 18:28

I hope I do say thank-you enough, I feel like I do.....maybe I need to be more OTT, flowers once a month or something......

Re the DVD, yes thats what I was thinking......I was just worried about being upstairs, whilst he was down etc.....he got upset when the health visitor came, its all too much taking about the baby for him bless! He should be asleep anyway......hopefully!

I would just like to think that when I am a nanny I would be there for DS and his wife as much as possible......but then I would probably be an interfering MIL!

OP posts:
hmmSleep · 13/02/2010 18:37

I think your Mum was probably having a bit of an off day and feeling a little taken for granted, (she sounds wonderful offering to look after your ds 2 days a week for free whilst you were at work), and perhaps you're being a bit tired, hormonal and overly emotional yourself with everything that's going on. I had to go in to hospital for a vaginal scan a few weeks ago with 2 dcs watching as I had no childcare, not the best of circumstances but no alternative and was fine, your ds will be fine, a sweep takes 5 seconds. Good luck with the birth by the way

Scotia · 13/02/2010 18:38

Ibet, it wouldn't have killed her to look after your ds for the 10 measly minutes it will take for the sweep. So she's cut off her nose to spite her face by deciding to cancel her hair appointment All so she can make you feel bad for assuming she would watch him for a few minutes. Well, I hope you have alternative cover arranged for when you go into labour because she clearly doesn't want to be involved.

Good luck with the sweep on Monday

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 13/02/2010 18:41

Just stick the tv on for your ds while you have the sweep upstairs. Or pay the hairdresser for her time while you have it done before/after your hair cut.

Scotia · 13/02/2010 18:43

I was thinking your hairdresser would probably be happy to watch him for a few minutes.

diddl · 13/02/2010 18:44

It wouldn´t have hurt her I agree, but perhaps she would have liked to have been asked?

What are your plans for when you go into labour?

It does sound though as if she thinks your husband should do more?

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 19:26

diddl my DH does more than enough. He is self employed in a trade which has taken a massive knock in the last year or so. He works long hours in a physically exhusting job. Mum works part-time mostly from home as she falls out with everyone in the office, arranges own diary sometimes forgets not everyone can do this. DH is really worried about keeping his business going and everyday counts.

Re going into labour.....we have our wider family now on standby, mum and dad had offered but now I don't want to take them for granted

OP posts:
Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 19:29

Thanks for the best wishes re the sweep, my midwife did one last week and it was like she was fishing for 20minutes! She claims to be the best sweeper in our area with extra long fingers .....didn't work though!

OP posts:
Scotia · 13/02/2010 20:09

Diddle, I know what you are saying, but she was going to be at the house anyway (even though that's obviously not the case now). It's not like she actually had to do anything other than supervise a toddler for a few minutes. Presumably the op doesn't have to ask her mother if she minds looking after ds while she makes her a coffee? Not much difference really in the time she would be left alone with this great burden

Fingers crossed this time the sweep does it's job Ibet

diddl · 13/02/2010 20:16

But just because she was going to be there doesn´t mean you don´t have to ask.

OP, I´m not saying your husband doesn´t do enough-but maybe your mum thinks he doesn´t.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 13/02/2010 20:23

On the sweep point, my DS1 (then aged 2.3) cmae with me to midwife appointment. It took a couple of minutes and he had no idea what was going on.

Original poster
ibetitsonlyme · 13/02/2010 20:27

diddl sorry but I think thats OTT, I would start to sound like I don't trust her!

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 13/02/2010 20:34

When I was pregnant with DD2, had SPD, moved to a new area knew no one, my Mum never once offered to help, even when I was booked in for an induction and DP would have to miss the birth to care for DD1, as it happened I was extremely lucky and had a lovely HB. I had sinusitis, bad SPD and an 18 month old to look after and my Mum said to me "well theres no point in me coming up until after the baby is here now" a month before she was born.

Less than 2 days after DD2 was born she came to visit and moaned as I hadn't made her a bacon sandwich only ham! I think I lost a lot of respect for my Mum during that time.

I also had to take DD1 to a sweep appt the MWs were lovely one sat with her whilst the other one pulled the curtain round me.

Anyway good luck with the sweep, I think with your Mum situation you should try and not rely on her for anything childcare wise, if she offers accepts but don't ask her.

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