in thinking she's mentally ill??

[twisha]

my sons partner of 2 yrs doesnt let him 1.leave the house without her agreeing first
2.doesnt let him have money.
3.wont let him visit us without her sayso.
4.wont do anything in the house,he has to.
5.wants him to do everything with their baby,as she doesnt want to look after the baby herself.
6.makes up things to make her get sympathy.
7.tells every1 that my son does nothing.
the back ground is one of her (many) past relationships has resulted in 2 other children 1 she has living with her the other the boyfriend has custody of, she doesnt care about either of the kids, my son makes sure that theyre fed cleaned and taken care of. i think she has serious mental issues she will not look after the baby and my son has to take her everywhere, my son is also scared to leave the baby incase she just doesn feed/change her, the old boyfriend only got custody of the 5yr old because her solicetor "got her files mixed up". any views or advice would be most welcome as my sons thinking of leaving her but wants full custody of his baby.

So many issues going on here. When you say she won't let him have any money what do you mean? has he given up his job to look after the baby?

It all sounds v strange, was the baby planned and how was their relationship before? I don't understand why she had a baby in this situation? Does she look after her other child living with her?

He needs to talk to a soliciter. I wonder if he could start by seeking advice at CAB?

Yes she is very controlling at the very least... assuming you're describing the situation fairly. No offense meant, it's just that you are of course very biased about taking your son's side in any dispute with her.

Look at Karen Matthews, most of her offspring were living with their fathers. Your son has a decent chance in a custody dispute.

well theyre on income support,and it goes straight in her bank so if he wants the money to get the shopping he has to ask her first and she then gives him what "he's allowed" to get the food with.
she was with another person and left him to be with my son as she says he used to beat her. her older son (11) was given to another previous partner, but he decided he didnt want him either and dropped him off at his grans to follow his "music career".the boy has problems himself he for instance shouts in shops that his mum doesnt feed him, which isnt true as my son does all the cooking and makes sure they all have meals.the 5yr old she hasnt seen since xmas when my son went and got her from her fathers on boxing day but when he askes when theyre seeing her she says whenever.their baby was a pleasant surprise for him even though he takes care of her 24/7, day/night feeds ect. he is 23 and she is 29.

Not only is she mentally unstable, her controlling behaviour is domestic abuse. Definitely start at the CAB and/or a solicitor.

Horrible thread title

If this woman does have mental health issues, then is she getting any support?

It is perfectly possible i suppose that she is a lazy cow and your DS is better off rid - he will have to file for custody and if she is as bad as you make her out to be he wont struggle, good luck to him.

I suffered from crippling PND, and whilst i was able to look after my DD, and if anything was over protective, over loving of her - it can be the opposite, i made my partner's life hell. I wouldnt even let him go to work , i threw scalding ht tea over him, tried to burn him in the shower, threatened him with a kitchen knife. Thank god that he saw that i was ill and didnt try and take my daughter away from me. YES i was mentally ill - but you use the term like an insult and it leaves a vile taste in my mouth

Id get your son to just take his child (he does have PR, to the child, and move into yours, and also contact SS. Saying so.

If she wants to see her child, then she will have to go through courts to prove that she can adequately take care of the child. until then I would make sure supervised access is a MUST!

Why doesnt your son work?

I'm sorry, but I have to ask: is it possible your son has some kind of problem that she knows about? My automatic reaction is, of course, that she is being very controlling. But if he is a coping addict, as many are (eg. with alcohol), then he may find it hardest to admit to you, and there might possibly be a rationale behind his partner's actions?

I'm aware this is unlikely, I just thought I ought to mention the possibility - hope that's ok.

we have tried everything to try and help them in the early days, like when she said he ex was trying to get in her house, we offered to go collect them to save her stress. we got her lots of baby clothes as they dont have much money, and she gave them away. ive taken food over to them because she asked if we could help as they had no money...she actually had £40. she has said she doesnt want the baby (9mths) over ours but then asks why my son cant take her with him as she cant look after her for "what ever reason" she comes up with on the day.
she has told the doctors she has agrophobia then goes to her friends house, without baby.

I was going to ask the same as LEM.
And how is it that you can presume what this woman's feelings are for her other children?

I'm not saying you are being untruthful nor that your version of events sounds like a healthy environment for your son or his child but if his partner has mental health issues she needs support.

How did he get involved with such a useless article in the first place? Come ON, this woman needs help not raking across the coals - your son clearly isnt the one to do it so they should split up, custody of the child needs to be assessed by social services as she clearly does have mental health issues.

Why doesn't your son work?

well, my son without being biast is a very caring lad, he's honest,and loyal. he doesnt have any issues with drugs/booze etc. she is his 2nd girlfriend. if anything he doesnt like confrontation, he was bullied at school by 1 person who then got expelled, but i think he "cant stand up to her" he doesnt like arguing. if she is mentally ill then i agree she should get help, but how do you approach it with her?

Why did he get her pregnant? was he not using contraception? Was he not working at the time or did he have to give up work to take care of the baby? im confused

Do you honestly give a monkeys about this woman? no

Of course you want to stick up for your son, that is admirable, but please don't use the mentally ill card - its cheap

mentally ill could mean one of many mental health problems.....it would need diagnosing properly,by a professional. but i really think someone else would have picked up on this before now....seems odd that a mother in law would pick up on it,someone who she isnt close to by the sounds of it!

they were living together and planning getting married, then he got made redundant and she fell pregnant just befor xmas. i personally leave my views open until i know the person, at first we thought she was ok, pleasant, friendly, she came out to see us 3 times then stopped were not against her, just the way she is now, she goes down the shops with no towels on when she's on her monthly,for instance,she doesnt wash from one week to another. yesterday she had victims support in because she said some1 shouted at her from a car, then hit off infront of them with temper because my son said he was going to the doctors and couldnt take the baby. even the woman asked if she was always like that.

Still don't understand why he got her pregnant when both of them don't work and she already had one child taken away from her. I think this is one for jeremy kyle tbh.

she sounds like a very vulnerable person

How do you know she goes out without sanitary protection?!

Whoops, lost a big chunk of that message. If what you're saying is true she sounds horrendously depressed and needs help.

well, i can see why your son fancied her I would assume this has happened since the birth of the child or does your son fancy dirty women? FFS next thing you will be telling us she walks arund with pencils in her nostril shouting wibble

Im not entirely sure hwat you want from this thread

are you wanting us to gang up an say, yeah, shes a fruit loop, take the child away

are you feeling compassion towards her and asking for advice on how to get help for your sons family?

lem it takes two to tangle not just one!

he didn't get her pregnant they both did, its not as if he made her get pregnant unwillingly.

mistakes happen, and never the less both cannot change what the situation is now, they can only move forward from the situation!

The lady may be a very vulnerable lady, but she must help herself and stop being so reliant on others, especially when it is detrimental to the OP son and child's life, where he feels he need to move out and take his child with him, as she is not able to look after the child herself.

Until she sorts herself out and gets the help and support networks for herself, the OPs need to think of his and his child well being.

OP, based on what you have written it very much does sound like an abusive relationship. I don't buy the line from her that she lost custody of her older child because the solicitor got the files mixed up.

Whether she behaves that way because she has a mental illness or not, I'd strongly recommend you get your son to call Men's Advice Line and Families Need Fathers.

As for the other posters asking why he got her pregnant, do you ask women who are in abusive relationships why they got pregnant with their abusive partners or is this something you only reserve for male victims of abuse?

Neither of them work so BOTH OF THEM should have made sure that contraception was in place. Unless she lied about being on the pill then he is equally responsible. He should have worn a condom - it takes TWO to have that discussion,"are you on the pill dear?" "no, ok, i'll use a condom" or is the man just to assume the woman has it taken care of.

From what the OP says, this woman doesn't sound capable of caring for her child - that is very very sad. If her mental health issues are as severe as is made out, i am sure social services are already involved.

I'm very skeptical about this thread to be honest. If the OP hadn't been so vitriolic about this woman i would have probably agreed with you Snorbs, as you are right, it is not just women who are the victims of domestic abuse.

Either way - this woman needs help, but i think she will wait a long time before she gets it from her ILs.

LittleMrsHappy - have you ever suffered from depression? Have you any idea how ridiculous your comment that she should "help herself and not be reliant on others" is? Yes, ultimately people with depression don't tend to get better until they get to the stage when they can help themselves, but sometimes people are so low that they simply can't.

I would hve been equally suspicious of the OPs motivation if she had been talking about a man as she would a woman. She just wants to use mental illness as a stick to beat her with - i am not the only one to see that straight away.

The most important thing is the child - so, social services need to be informed - if she indeed isn't coping and the OP can offer a stable home for the child while this woman gets help or whatever happens then that sounds like the best solution allround.

firstly all i want is my son be happy, whoever he is with. the reason for this posting was to see if my thoughts was wrong going on the things i have said. i know she doesnt wear towels,because when ive been down there i have asked her if she wanted me to buy her some assuming she had'nt got any, and she said she never wears anything and i could see by her clothes she wasnt lieing. she is not abusive as in hitting him ect. when they got together she was ok, never been much of a house keeper but my son was happy. then her ex (who has the 5yr old) and lived 10 doors up moved about 15 miles away, even when they lived close she only saw the daughter every 2weeks,(she got part custody to see her 2 days a week) she always put in reasons why she couldnt have her as agreed. they were happy in their relationship and she got pregnant and were happy until this point,i really dont know if she is ill or depressed or what, all i know is its not a normal behave. my son would be happy if she was like she was at the start, but he doesnt know what to do.