in thinking she's mentally ill??

[twisha]

my sons partner of 2 yrs doesnt let him 1.leave the house without her agreeing first
2.doesnt let him have money.
3.wont let him visit us without her sayso.
4.wont do anything in the house,he has to.
5.wants him to do everything with their baby,as she doesnt want to look after the baby herself.
6.makes up things to make her get sympathy.
7.tells every1 that my son does nothing.
the back ground is one of her (many) past relationships has resulted in 2 other children 1 she has living with her the other the boyfriend has custody of, she doesnt care about either of the kids, my son makes sure that theyre fed cleaned and taken care of. i think she has serious mental issues she will not look after the baby and my son has to take her everywhere, my son is also scared to leave the baby incase she just doesn feed/change her, the old boyfriend only got custody of the 5yr old because her solicetor "got her files mixed up". any views or advice would be most welcome as my sons thinking of leaving her but wants full custody of his baby.

Sorry- your thread title and post is a bit insensitive.

Like she is some kind of 'monster'. She sounds like she needs serious help.

how old is your son and his partner OP?

i cannot understand any woman of any age who wears no sanitary protection at all, that is definitely odd in itself, without the controlling behaviour and lack of care for baby

are her parents on the scene/do you know how they feel?

my son is 23,she is 29. i have no feelings for his girlfriend, good or bad, as its his life. my concern is for him/gc. i dont care if he's with her or not, i care about whats happening to him,like if he said he was gay i wouldnt disown him, i dont have to sleep/live with who-ever he choose, i as a mother am concerned about his happiness and if he has problems i am here to try and help him.as i said before i have NO concerns of my gc welfare,he looks after her perfectly well.as for title its hard to put it politely
i just didnt think it was all normal myself.
as in a previous posting she has no contact wwith her own mother (by her choice) and her ddads in another country,he was a 1 night sstand according to the girlfriend.

twisha,you seem all over the place about her.so this is not a vulnerable child issue them?

time to butt out methinks

you are incapable of being impartial,and are subject to hearing sons subjective accounts of their chaotic relationship.this has made you hardly neutral about the girlfriend

he is an adult - he made his bed he lies in it

I think the very situation will have an impact of the welfare of your GC. She sounds like she needs some kind of mental health asessment.

He can't be expected to do everything for the newborn and child with no support/ imput from her that is bonkers, as well as all the controlling behviour. This sounds like an awful situation for the children. I am v shocked that they decided to have a baby tbh.

i must add i have 6 children in total and my eldest sons gf is not nice at all,but she doesnt know we dislike her as we are ALWAYS nice to the partners for our childrens sake we try and give an unbiast view to whatever problems they may be having at the time, and giving a view from both sides good and bad so they can make up their own minds on what to do.with this problem i have no idea how to give any advice, to me she definately needs help and the sooner the better, but how to try and make her see that herself i have no idea and i dont envy him trying to persuade her.weve been there to try and help her before when she's phoned up about housing/fiancial/general problems and put both sides to her and helped in lots of other ways,she has no problem with asking us for help,if they need it. we would help her as much as we could if it was say post natal depression or similar, but as some1 said earlier,surly the doc's/hv would have noticed that. i know if she was "back to normal" my son would be happy, that would be a great result all round.

surely your son can arrange the HV or GP to visit her on some pretext if he is worried - or would she be good at bluffing/covering up, do you think? she definitely needs some help

hang on - now you are contradicting yourself

i have no feelings for his girlfriend, good or bad

and then later

my eldest sons gf is not nice at all,but she doesnt know we dislike her

it cannot be both!

twisha,you are incapable of neutrality.and perhaps your changing narrative is indicative of your turmoil

i dont think she would be good at covering up i think it would depend on how they put it. when she asked me before if i could look on the net about agraphobia as she thought she might have it,i read out a page about it and she went down to the doctors with a list of symptoms that she had, she had written down most of what i read out, and told him she found it very hard to get past the front door. but his surgery was a bus ride into town! again a few weeks ago she told the doctor she cant go out because of it, yet does neighborhood watch,going round the houses.

agrophobia can be a sign of depression, so it sounds like she might realise something is wrong but not know what or what to do about it

she must be very unhappy to be behaving as she is, especially if this is a recent change not just her normal self

the son im on about is my second eldest.
not my eldest.
im not here to get into an argument with anyone, if you feel im lying or something please dont waste your time answering the post.im only after advice for my situation to try and help my son and his situation.
i personally dont know if she's ill or not, i know alot of women have suffered from pnd and some from other forms of illness it was those that i hoped would be able to enlighten me as to whether she's ill or not, others may have had a similar encounter with friends or family and could possibly help.

twisha,all this he said/she said/i said is very toxic

to you
to her
to son
to the children

you now assert no vulnerable child issues.so more their relationship

so yep you have consternations about all of this,but they are adults.they need to sort this -not your sons mammy

Several of the posters on this thread have suffered from PND, or depression - they have all given you advice - over and over and over again - IF all the things you say are true, she needs help. But you don't seem to want to take that on board.

I agree with scottish mummy

Twisha - I think you are getting a lot of negative comments on here that aren't really fair to you. I see what you are saying and I understand your concerns. Maybe this is because I am a mother of grownup sons and a GM of 5 children. I know that it can seem like you are over involved with your son and his partner's relationship and they are both adults and need to sort it out themselves, but it is difficult not to be concrned about our kids, whatever their age.

It sounds to me like your son's partner is a troubled young woman who has had a difficult past, probably a difficult childhood and she clearly has had troubles with her previous r/ships. She may not have a mental illness as such but it may be that her life experiences have left her short of emotional maturity and a rather unstable disposition. Your son sounds like he is quite passive and a bit afraid of her and she exploits this by controlling him. Thing is though he is allowing this situation to happen and he needs to change his behaviour, rather than trying to change hers.

There are lots of posts about women living in these kind of r.ships with controlling men, but this way around is more unusual. There are clearly no worries about the children as your son cares for them.

Just on the legal issues, there is no such thing as custody now. If parents separate, and they cannot agree who should care for the children, then the court has to decide. The Order that is made to determine with whom the child lives is called a Residence Order and if the parents can't agree then the court have to make the decision based on reports made by social workers who will undertake assessments. The court then makes a decision and makes a REsidence Order to one parent or the other and in almost all cases, awards contact to the other parent.

From what you say, it sounds like your son's partner might not object too much if he did want to apply for a Residence Order, but of course there is no way of knowing.

Best advice I can give is to be there in the background to offer whatever support you can to them both. Maybe you have to back off a little if only to save yourself getting too worried. Or maybe advise your son that unless he stands up to his partner, nothing will change and she will continue to control him.

I agree with NanaNina that you have come in for a lot of negative comments, twisha. Your son has asked for your advice and tbh, I don't know what kind of mothers we would be if our 23 year old sons feel they can't ask us for help and guidance if they need it! You don't sound at all interfering to me, just concerned.

However, no-one but a health professional can actually diagnose a mental health issue and I think your son should probably try to persuade his gf to see her GP. If she refuses, he could see the GP himself and discuss it with him/her to see how best to approach the situation.

And for those of you who have suffered from MH issues and have taken umbrage at the thread title, perhaps it would do no harm to remember that being the partner of someone with MH issues isn't exactly a walk in the park either and twisha's son is well within his rights to seek the support of his family.

People are being pretty harsh.

I think you should talk to your son and support him as best as possible. I think the next best move would be for him to make an appointment with his GP. You could go with him to support him. After explaining his concerns to the GP I think he should suggest the GP make a home visit to see the gf and be able to discuss things with her.

She sounds like she has PND if this came on after the baby. I had it pretty badly and the control thing could all be part of this. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life so anything i could control I would. I went (still am) a bit loopy!

This lady needs your support too and you may find it gives you something to build a friendship and relationship on.

thankyou so much for the advice, ihave said to my son to speak to their doctor about his concerns and maybe see if the doctor thinks its a medical issue. obviously i would support both of them with any problem, to be honest i think its best to try and sort it out than encourage them to part,but he's at his wits end. when baby was born i told him to do as much as possible to help her both around the house and with baby until she feels back to normal after having her, but she hasnt slotted in to the role.

Good luck twisha, I think you have the best of intentions - it doesn't sound right at all at present. I hope it works out soon

thankyou,i can only try and advise him but i need to know what im on about first to give the best ideas,theres nothing else that i can do when he askes for my help in trying to sort it out.