in thinking she's mentally ill??

[twisha]

my sons partner of 2 yrs doesnt let him 1.leave the house without her agreeing first
2.doesnt let him have money.
3.wont let him visit us without her sayso.
4.wont do anything in the house,he has to.
5.wants him to do everything with their baby,as she doesnt want to look after the baby herself.
6.makes up things to make her get sympathy.
7.tells every1 that my son does nothing.
the back ground is one of her (many) past relationships has resulted in 2 other children 1 she has living with her the other the boyfriend has custody of, she doesnt care about either of the kids, my son makes sure that theyre fed cleaned and taken care of. i think she has serious mental issues she will not look after the baby and my son has to take her everywhere, my son is also scared to leave the baby incase she just doesn feed/change her, the old boyfriend only got custody of the 5yr old because her solicetor "got her files mixed up". any views or advice would be most welcome as my sons thinking of leaving her but wants full custody of his baby.

he might have used a condom and it split! YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS, AS PREVISOULY SAID, MISTAKES HAPPEN! they are not the ist and will not be the last to be in a situation similar to this!

Yes I have suffered depression, and also my own mother is bipolar, but she DOES HAVE TO HELP HERSELF! she needs to go to the Dr's, she needs to keep appointments, she NEEDS to take her medication! it is is no way a ridiculous statement, if she cannot help herself or allow others to help herself, then she is allowing the situation to continue, to the detrimental affect off others!

Unless she is admitted to under section, she needs to help herself, in getting help! no one will force her to do so otherwise, unless she is a danger to herself or others!

The OP is worried for her son, and her GC, im sure most parents will be if their child was/is in a similar situation!

It's hard to understand this story to be honest, it is so complicated and convoluted.

bottom line - if you are worried about the child, you should phone the health visitor for advice. SS will probably get involved and they will assess the situation.

Have you talked to your son about the situation and what he wants, or is all of this only your perception? If he does want to leave and take his daughter, can he live with you? He needs to get a job to show that he can support the baby. He may not get the baby - that is a reality you need to consider.

If your son does not want to leave her, then you need to butt out.

i can see that the "mental issue" statement has obviously annoyed a couple of people, i know from working with people in the past that has had problems there are lots of different levels, but whichever way it is a mental health problem, nothing to be ashamed of at all. i just wanted to know others views am i over reacting? how would she get help if this was the case, when she cant see she's doing anything wrong?

From what Iread I thought he did work and was made redundant then it was an acicdental pregnancy... so well these things happen,contraception is only 100% if you sterilise.

OP i'd say she has pretty severe MH issues,reminds me very clearly of my BM's sister in fact,thankfully she has no children. Yur son does neeed to speak tosomoeone about abuse yes,and also perhaps speak to her GP or someonoe fromSSD about having her assessed WRT to her MH. Try
Mind info line -0845 766 0163?

Right - so, she wasn't like this to start with - she probably has post natal depression if this has happened after the birth of your grand child.

I do understand, of course you want your son to be happy - and you probably feel very angry with this woman - i am sorry if i was harsh but your OP was really quite hateful, perhaps i misunderstood.

Honestly, she sounds seriously depressed and that is not a good sistuation for your GC if she isn't getting any help. Maybe your son could have a chat to their HV, after all, the HV isn't just there for mums.

her old boyfriend did not get custody of the other child becuase files got mixed up

your son needs to get social services and solicitor and doctors invovled

if she is not looking after herself and is not even using sanitary protection, it would suggest a level of mental health issues that need intervention and it is beholden upn your son, the other adult/parent to take some steps to get her the help and protect the welfare of her and the children

Are you planning on showing this thread to your so to convince him to leave his girlfriend? Would you take him and the baby in?

Can your son take her to see her GP? If this is not possible and you're worried about their welfare you could always contact SS.

They'll be able to assess the situation from a neutral point of view and provide the necessary help.

As wellas the mindline I gave below (pleasecall it) and the mens abuse (doesn't have to be physical,many types and on face value definitely financial abuse here) I can also suggest calling the NSPCC as they have this thing where you can disucss a childs welfare anonymously. The number is 0808 800 5000.

I would sit down with a pen and paper,call all the numbers given and see where you end up.

ss have been monitoring her from yrs ago they only decided to stop after 4 months of my son moving in,the health visitor was asked to visit by their doctor after she went to see him about her "agriphobia" and then told him she's in charge of the local neighbourhood watch as its a good way of meeting ppl.the hv talked to her (i dont know what they said) checked the baby and said baby was fine.a little while ago,when they thought they were going to be homeless it was all planned that they move in with us. we dont have a problem with her, to us shes pleasant,talkative,socialble ect, and us back when we go down there, but then my son gets on the phone a couple of days later or comes out and is at his wits end what to do.the solution could be simple,i dont know. he left the begining of jan and we got him to talk to her about what they both wanted and it seemed the same,so after 2 days he returned,but theyre back to square 1 again

You should make an appointment with your GP or someone at the surgery to discuss your concerns about your grand child's mother.

If you are concerned the baby isn't being well looked after you need to contact the health visitor.

If you just want your son to leave her, then butt out.

And just because social services have stopped having contact now doesn't mean you can't call them again?

Your son is the only one who can change anything here. He needs to decide whether he wants to stay or go, in the circumstances you have described here he should take the baby with him if he leaves.

Many, many women lie about taking contraception, it happens.

I once had a stinking row with a good friend who indicated she might 'forget' to take her pill because she wanted another baby and her partner was unsure, they had been in a relationship for 10yrs so not exactly a fling!

Lets face it, the vast, vast majority of contraception is aimed at women, and not all women can be trusted unfortunately.

there isnt or wasnt a problem about her being pregnant,with them or us,as i said they used to be very happy. no-one knows what her problem is now, if she really cant help being like it then she needs help i dont know if its a common sign of different mental problems or if shes doing it on purpose,for what ever reason.my gc is fine i have no concerns about her welfare at all my son looks after her very well. i dont really want him to leave his partner if she's not well and can be "made better" because before all this they were good together.

Sounds like some kind of postnatel depression tbh, maybe she went the same way after having her other child ?

Totally agree with lulumama's post and with korma. Your son needs to stop talking only to you about this, and talk to her about accepting some help. And yes, talk to GP/HV about her needing some help, too.

until she has been assessed wait upon a diagnosis.guessing on internet is not a substitute for face to face ax and social and mental history

someone objective (not you,sorry you aren't objective)and qualified

needs to assess this situation.
talk to the adults,
assess if any vulnerable children issues

if you have genuine child protection concerns do call ss ask for intake /duty worker
or contact hv or gp
be prepared to make a statement and account of events.

interesting that you say she didn't always used to be lime this.that is definitely worth following up

as soon as my son says/does anything she doesnt like she gets in a temper swearing and shouting, not in public just indoors,and this can go on for an hour or so,hes been on the phone when its happened,so i dont even want to imagine what she'd be like if he suggested going to the doctors about her behavior, i certainly would not even bring it up to her. she doesnt speak to her family because she says they had a big argument yrs ago after her brother attacked her, what for i dont know. so far according to her, shes been beaten by all her ex partners and they were all either gamblers/alcoholics. she also said to my son that if he goes out without the baby,she will go to a hostle and book herself in because he left her with the baby.

Obviouskly nobody can dx her from a distance

But she certainly puts me in mind of peole I have known with various MH issues,both eprsonally and professionally (not as a Psych, but I did spend time nursing in a Psych unit- short time).

She needs assessing, iyt would be a kindnessto her.

what are you actually going to do?recount their arguments or act upon alleged child welfare concerns

if this is you being a concerned mum about volatile adult relationship,then you support your son but ultimately he has to make his own decisions.whether or not you agree with them or like his girlfriend.

if you have genuine vulnerable childcare concerns then do contact ss

otherwise maybe you are embroiled in their relationship.as adults they have to fix it.not you.he has to decide what he wants

this is the problem,he askes me for advice, but i dont know how to do this, i dont want to let him down as he doesnt know what to do himself. i cant say leave her/stay with her i can only give my views, ive said about maybe she should see a doctor about how she feels, and its not normal behavour. but he doesnt want to confront her as i think he's a bit scared of what she'll do. i also think theres things that has happened that he hasnt told me about as he's said he thinks its bad that she doesnt want to see her other child. and when the eldest one does something wrong she shouts at him alot so my son takes the children out for a walk to get them away from her shouting.(my own personal view to say to him is to get some b--ls and tell her straight he's not putting up with it, but i havent said that) she does like to be the "victim" about everything and doesnt like either her kids or my son getting any attention,she never has, she would always take over the phone and chat herself or just phone for a chat about anything.she does that now, but as soon as we ask if our sons there for a chat she says he's on the loo/out/seeing to baby.
i know my son would never let her do anything to either his daughter or her son so there are no worries there. i want him to make the right decission himself what to do i can only try and find out from others why she may be like this.

i see your dilemma,loving your son unconditionally but having to watch them both in a volatile relationship,and a wee baby too.

however he is an adult,and they are both embroiled in what you describe as volatile and chaotic relationship.and for what ever reason things have deteriorated for them

support your son.but also he has to decide what to do.

would they go to relate together
encourage girlfriend see her gp

i do emphasise any vulnerable child protection issues you must alert ss/gp.

hope things work out amicably
hope your son and girlfriend find some order and return to how things used to be

Look - you paint a picture of a nutter, if you really believe that to be true, pick up the phone and do something about it for the sake of your grandchild.

I can't shake the feeling though that you are an interfering MIL who needs to tell her son that if he wants to be a man and have children, to sort it out and not expect his mother to do it for him. Tell him to go to the doctor and express his concerns.

I'm confused, one minute you are concerned for your GC welfare and then you are not.

Im sorry if i appear unsympathetic but your posts just read like you are slagging her off as opposed to showing genuine conerns about her coping abilities or worrying behaviour.

Your OP tore her to shreds and then when people pulled you up on this, you tried to turn it around that you were concerned for her