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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL have double booked childcare....should I ask them to cancel?

79 replies

CinnabarRed · 09/02/2010 14:05

In November, DP received an invitation to a stag do in Prague in early March. He asked me if it was appropriate for him to go, given I'll be 35 weeks pregnant at the time. I said I was fine with that, provided that his parents (who are lovely) could come to stay with DS and me while he was away.

My main reason for wanting my PIL's here is that there's a small risk that the baby might be premature or that I might suffer complications (this is deemed a high-risk pregnancy because of various medical issues I had when pregnant with DS) and I want someone here to look after DS if anything unexpected happens. It would also be nice to have some help with DS (2.3).

PILs said yes, that they'd be delighted to come to stay. They seemed most pleased at the thought of spending more time with DS, who they adore! I also planned to cook them a special meal to say thank you.

Anyhow, the PILs came to stay with us this weekend, and mentioned in passing that they're really looking forward to a special weekend that one of MIL's sisters has arranged for her 60th birthday. Family flying over from Ireland, big get together, first time one of the sisters has seen the others since getting the all-clear on a cancer scare, you get the idea.

You've guessed it - MIL has accidently double booked it with the weekend that DP is away.

PIL were mortified when they realised, and immediately phoned MIL's sister to rearrange. Too late, the flights from Ireland have been booked and can't be rearranged as they were special offer. PILs have put a brave face on and said that even so they will come to ours to be with DS and me while DP is away. DP offered to cancel the stag do, but they wouldn't hear of it.

Thing is, we could see how very disappointed they were to miss this big family weekend. At the moment I feel OK physically (but then I did at the same stage with DS). Should I tell them to go ahead with the big family weekend, and keep my fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong with this pregnancy?

I don't have anyone else to call on in a worst case scenario. My mum is wheel-chair bound; my friends would happily take DS for a couple of hours but I couldn't ask them to step in for longer because they have young kids of their own.

OP posts:
inveteratenamechanger · 09/02/2010 14:08

Your DH should cancel the stag do - no question. Even if his parents say they'll come anyway, he should just let them know he's decided to stay at home and let them enjoy their weekend with your MIL's sisters.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 09/02/2010 14:09

You really can't ask them to cancel. Can't you and your little one go and stay with them? Set up a friend rota, they all come to your house to help out for a few hours each?

rubyslippers · 09/02/2010 14:09

Don't ask them to cancel

if you do go into labour, and it is a big if, then your friends who would take your DS, i am sure would take him for longer

I wouldn't hesitate to do this for a friend (exceptional circumstances)

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 09/02/2010 14:09

or tell DH to cancel, his family are far more important then a stag do.

rubyslippers · 09/02/2010 14:09

if anyone should cancel, it should be your DH i think

bumpybecky · 09/02/2010 14:10

Are you sure you friends couldn't have your ds for longer than few hours? given that it's not a definate need, but an in case of emergencies thing?

I know I'd be willing to help out a mate in such circumstances, expecially if I knew I was 'on call' so to speak in advance.

I've not had high risk pregnancies though, so not sure....

mo3g · 09/02/2010 14:13

Well if it were me, i would ask my Dh to cancel i think you and his unborn baby and ds come first you are having a high risk pregnancy and being so far on i think he should stay with you i dont think a stag do is important enough to leave you on your own just my opinion.

pooexplosionsareimproving · 09/02/2010 14:13

Its so kind of them to offer to cancel, but I would insist that they didn't.
Do you beleive that you are high risk or do you think its just precautionary? I mean, is it a very remote (as in same for anyone) chance that you will go into labour/have problems If yes, then I would let DH go, if no he has to cancel.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 09/02/2010 14:14

Wouldn't your husband want to be there with you for the birth of your baby? He really should be at home, just incase.

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/02/2010 14:15

They should not cancel their big family weekend. They sound like lovely people bless them.

Either you see if you can go and stay with them whislt the weekend is on, and join in the family celebrations. I can imagine that will be hard seeing that you are probably having a bit of extra attention due to having high risk pregnancy.

So think would be ideal if your DP cancelled the stag do to be honest. Stag do is not as improitant as a family get together imo. And just because PIL's 'wont hear of it' they are only being polite and self-sacrificing, bless them.

DaftApeth · 09/02/2010 14:16

You can't expect your pil to cancel their arrangements. It sounds like a special weekend for them.

Your dh should cancel his weekend away if anything, especially as he will be so far away.

Alternatively, are there any nannies that you know who could come to sleep at yours each night and then have friends on stand-by during the day-time?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/02/2010 14:16

I agree with others who say, ask the friends with small children. I'm sure someone will agree to take him if necessary.

I was "on call" when my friend had a homebirth with her 3rd, to look after her first two. I ended up with them overnight, which, yes, was a minor pain, but not a terrible hassle in the circumstances, and I was happy to do it for her.

mice · 09/02/2010 14:17

What does your dp say?

nannynobnobs · 09/02/2010 14:18

Your DH should pull out, I know he'll be gutted but he can do the noble thing here! Surely if there is a real risk of you having the baby early then he should be with you anyway?
IMHO.

nancydrewrocks · 09/02/2010 14:18

If anyone ought to be cancelling their plans it is your DH. You absolutely cannot ask your PIL's to cancel.

However since you are OK with the small risk that your DH might miss the birth if he stays away I would have a word with a couple of friends.

I wouldn't hesitate to step in and look after a friends DC if she was in labour in fact I have in the past and would be delighted to in the future.

Hulababy · 09/02/2010 14:18

Don't let them cancel.

DH should just cancel his night away, and tell his parents when it is done.

TBj if the pregnancy is such high risk that you could go into early labour, then you need dH there anyway.

Missus84 · 09/02/2010 14:19

PIL are very kind, but if anyone should cancel then it has to be DP I'm afraid.

SeaTrek · 09/02/2010 14:19

I agree - it is your DH who should do the cancelling not your PIL's.

I am sure your friends would take your DS for longer, too, if needed. If they have young kids of their own then they sound well-placed to do it.

I wouldn't ask either to cancel though, but I haven't had a high risk pregnancy. If I really did think that there was a reasonable chance I could do into labour then though I wouldn't be happy with my DH doing on a stag-do then full stop.

diddl · 09/02/2010 14:20

If anything does happen, your husband isn´t likely to get there in time,is he?

So, if there really is a chance of something happening, he should have declined the stag do in the first place imo.

I think ask the friends.

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/02/2010 14:24

I wouldn't like to rely on friends for this actually.

OP you need to judge whether you are high risk enough to warrant DP not going on this stag do at all.

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 09/02/2010 14:29

Thanks for all your replies.

Re risk of premature labour, the answer is that no-one knows. The complications I had with DS were so rare that there are no statistics on subsequent pregnancies. The only thing I can tell you with any certainty is that at the moment I feel just fine. Let's hope it stays that way!

DP has told his folks that he'll cancel his stag do, but they flatly refused - said it was their mistake and that's the end of it. (BTW, despite the admittedly misleading subject, neither DP nor I have asked them to cancel their family weekend, they offered. Although in hindsight I wish I'd argued harder with them.) They're so lovely, and I'm very lucky to have them.

I like the idea of going with them to the family do - it's not at their house, but I'm sure something could be done to accomodate us. I've left just left a message on PIL's phone to suggest it (they're both at work).

If they don't agree to this then I will tell DP to tell PIL that he has cancelled the stag do even if he hasn't really, so they can enjoy their weekend guilt-free. And ask friends to be on call.

OP posts:
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 09/02/2010 14:31

Do you not think it's a bit bad for your DP to even consider going away for a weekend at this late stage in your pregnancy? He may not be back in time to watch his child being born if you do deliver early, IMO he shouldn't have even booked it.

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 09/02/2010 14:31

And if I'm not feeling well enough physically by then, then DP will definitely cancel - I know he wouldn't enjoy himself if he thought DS and I were struggling at home in any case.

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 09/02/2010 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/02/2010 14:39

That's a good result Cinnabar.

It would be lovely if logistically it could work out that you could go to the family event.

You sound very lucky in your in laws - they sound lovely and caring like mine!

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