PIL have double booked childcare....should I ask them to cancel?

[CinnabarRed]

In November, DP received an invitation to a stag do in Prague in early March. He asked me if it was appropriate for him to go, given I'll be 35 weeks pregnant at the time. I said I was fine with that, provided that his parents (who are lovely) could come to stay with DS and me while he was away.

My main reason for wanting my PIL's here is that there's a small risk that the baby might be premature or that I might suffer complications (this is deemed a high-risk pregnancy because of various medical issues I had when pregnant with DS) and I want someone here to look after DS if anything unexpected happens. It would also be nice to have some help with DS (2.3).

PILs said yes, that they'd be delighted to come to stay. They seemed most pleased at the thought of spending more time with DS, who they adore! I also planned to cook them a special meal to say thank you.

Anyhow, the PILs came to stay with us this weekend, and mentioned in passing that they're really looking forward to a special weekend that one of MIL's sisters has arranged for her 60th birthday. Family flying over from Ireland, big get together, first time one of the sisters has seen the others since getting the all-clear on a cancer scare, you get the idea.

You've guessed it - MIL has accidently double booked it with the weekend that DP is away.

PIL were mortified when they realised, and immediately phoned MIL's sister to rearrange. Too late, the flights from Ireland have been booked and can't be rearranged as they were special offer. PILs have put a brave face on and said that even so they will come to ours to be with DS and me while DP is away. DP offered to cancel the stag do, but they wouldn't hear of it.

Thing is, we could see how very disappointed they were to miss this big family weekend. At the moment I feel OK physically (but then I did at the same stage with DS). Should I tell them to go ahead with the big family weekend, and keep my fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong with this pregnancy?

I don't have anyone else to call on in a worst case scenario. My mum is wheel-chair bound; my friends would happily take DS for a couple of hours but I couldn't ask them to step in for longer because they have young kids of their own.

Belle - we always knew that there was a chance that he'd miss the birth no matter what.

My labour with DS was incredibly quick - less than 3 hours from waters breaking to delivering the placenta - and so my consultant has made specific preparations with the hospital on the assumption that this one will be even quicker. At the first twinge I must call an ambulance (which will be sent with a midwife as part of the crew) to blue-light me to the labour ward, which is a 30 minute drive away. Assuming the baby hasn't come by then the plan is that DP will stay at home with DS until the PILs can get here (they live a 3 hour drive away) and then will join me in hospital.

Personally am abit shocked at your DH going away ABROAD when you are 35 weeks. Admit my view is skewed by the fact my second child was born at 35 weeks and the labour was 5 hours (after the first labour taking days) so if this happened to you he would miss the birth no question. Your DH must really want to go on that stag weekend . I would certainly not be being so tolerant on that score but then I am mean!

Sorry, I'm with kerala1. I'd not be a happy bunny in a very big way.

Yup, I can´t see why he even agreed to go tbh.

OP, did your husband make it for the birth of your first?

Yes it can happen.

I went into labour unexpectedly & gave birth one hr after first pain!

But to deliberately choose to be away is odd imo.

Thing is, I'm so used to the thought of DP missing the birth that it just doesn't bother me. Obviously both of us would much rather that he were there, but I'm resigned to the fact that he almost certainly won't be, no matter what happens.

When DP asked me whether he could go on the stag-do, it didn't even occur to me to say no. Particularly as I thought the PILs would be with me. It's just sod's law that when MIL was copying details from her 2009 diary into her 2010 diary that this is the one weekend that she cocked up. So easy to do.

And dont make the fatal mistake of thinking that because the first labour was long and ardous the second will be the same. This train of thought led one friend having her second in the back of black cab and another in her hallway .

Maybe the OP husband is not going to be at the birth fair enough I suppose and if thats the case its no big deal that he goes away. If its important to them that he is there it seems like an odd time to check out the delights of Prague but there you go.

I;m astonished that people say your dp should cancel his weekend away, what on earth for. I am sure you do not have a minder with you 24/7 so why, for one weekend, do you feel the need for a permanent buddy.

Of course your friends will have your ds for more than a couple of hours, you just need to ask them.

I think you should tell your PIL that you have arranged for a friend to have your ds if need be and let them enjoy their party. They can see you more easily than the family that are flying in.

If your labours are so quick then, unless your dp is glued to your side, there is a possibility he could miss it anyway. Dont forget, you will be 5 weeks away from giving birth not 5 days so odds on it wont happen.

How old is your DS OP? Forgetting about the Prague things for one second, am a bit that your DH is going to stay with your DS when you go into labour, whilst he waits for your PIL. If you have friends who would help out in an emergency, then why don't you ask them to have your DS until your PILs get there so that your DH can be with you when you have the baby. Presumably you'll have to rely on friends anyway, if your DH is at work, and your labour is very quick?

So PILs would be to look after your son should you go into labour?

But you have friends who will do that?

So no one needs to cancel anything?

I think some posters are being a bit harsh to OP?s DH. His trip was arranged 3 months ago, they discussed it and everyone was happy with the decision they made. Whether he should have wanted to go is another question, but OP admits she was quite happy with the situation.

The only thing that has changed since then is that the PILs have f*ed up ? it happens, but they have acknowledged that the fault is theirs so they have, rightly IMHO, offered to stand by their commitment to the OP. Good for them.

I guess maybe I've been too reticent in the past to ask friends for help. I know that I would be entirely happy to help out a friend if the situation were reversed, so I don't have any valid reason for thinking that they wouldn't be there for me too.

DS will stay with his childminder if I go into labour during the day while DP is at work. She is also lovely (I'm very lucky to be surrounded by very kind people - even my boss at work is a gem), but not registered for overnight stays.

Have spoken to PILs, and the problem isn't solved

They won't hear of me driving from here (Buckinghamshire) to there (Yorkshire). They say they wouldn't forgive themselves is anything happened. I've explained how unlikely that is but FIL in particular isn't budging.

DP said a second time that he would cancel the stag do; PILs again won't hear of it. They see it as their error and therefore up to them to sort out.

So the next plan of action is for DP to see if he can rearrange his flights to go from Doncaster or Birmingham rather than Heathrow. If he can then he'll drive me to PIL's house and then fly out. If he can't then I'm fresh out of ideas....

For goodness sake. Just get your DP to ring them and tell them he's cancelled it all. Past tense, it's done, dusted, over.

Then see how you feel in the week running up to his stag. If you're not feeling 100%, he doesn't go. If you're fine, then take the risk. Get him to change his flights now so that if he does go he's away for the absolute minimum time possible.

Simples.

If there is a risk (however small) of baby being prem, wouldn't your dh want to be there?

DP needs to cancel then ring and tell them he's cancelled, end of story. Perhaps he could drive you all up to the family get together?

Your PIL's sound lovely, but I'm sure they'd appreciate dp doing that.

Why would their weekend be spoiled?

Yup, mjinhiding, I'm pretty sure that's what PILs would do - still not enjoy their weekend.

I did suggest to DP that he should tell them he's cancelled but not actually cancel, and he doesn't want to - says he didn't lie to his parents as a teenager and isn't comfortable starting now!

I don't think I could cope with all the rellies coming here, not at 35 weeks pregnant and without room to put them up. MIL is the youngest of 5, so it would involve somehow hosting 10 people, not all of whom I've even met.

Am I the only one who thinks you and your DH were unreasonable from the start expecting them to take care of you & your son in the latter stages of a high risk pregnancy?!

If whatever the problem is is so unpredictable in nature that you cant be left unattended then I think it's very simplistic of you to say that you don't mind/are fine with it if DH isn't there.

Your poor IL's wont change their plans now as they feel like you're their responsibility, so I'm sure it'll work out fine.