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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have double booked childcare....should I ask them to cancel?

79 replies

CinnabarRed · 09/02/2010 14:05

In November, DP received an invitation to a stag do in Prague in early March. He asked me if it was appropriate for him to go, given I'll be 35 weeks pregnant at the time. I said I was fine with that, provided that his parents (who are lovely) could come to stay with DS and me while he was away.

My main reason for wanting my PIL's here is that there's a small risk that the baby might be premature or that I might suffer complications (this is deemed a high-risk pregnancy because of various medical issues I had when pregnant with DS) and I want someone here to look after DS if anything unexpected happens. It would also be nice to have some help with DS (2.3).

PILs said yes, that they'd be delighted to come to stay. They seemed most pleased at the thought of spending more time with DS, who they adore! I also planned to cook them a special meal to say thank you.

Anyhow, the PILs came to stay with us this weekend, and mentioned in passing that they're really looking forward to a special weekend that one of MIL's sisters has arranged for her 60th birthday. Family flying over from Ireland, big get together, first time one of the sisters has seen the others since getting the all-clear on a cancer scare, you get the idea.

You've guessed it - MIL has accidently double booked it with the weekend that DP is away.

PIL were mortified when they realised, and immediately phoned MIL's sister to rearrange. Too late, the flights from Ireland have been booked and can't be rearranged as they were special offer. PILs have put a brave face on and said that even so they will come to ours to be with DS and me while DP is away. DP offered to cancel the stag do, but they wouldn't hear of it.

Thing is, we could see how very disappointed they were to miss this big family weekend. At the moment I feel OK physically (but then I did at the same stage with DS). Should I tell them to go ahead with the big family weekend, and keep my fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong with this pregnancy?

I don't have anyone else to call on in a worst case scenario. My mum is wheel-chair bound; my friends would happily take DS for a couple of hours but I couldn't ask them to step in for longer because they have young kids of their own.

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 09/02/2010 23:23

It's only a stag do - there is no reason for your PILs to beat themselves up or feel guilty. It's not like he's being awarded the OBE. He's missing a weekend abroad with some mates. DP just needs to cancel and then tell them as a done deal. If he points out it's no big deal then they don't need to feel guilty pointlessly.

I really couldn't sit with my in-laws knowing they were missing a big and rare family get together for no reason.

Dp needs to cancel then ring them and say 'no big deal, I've cancelled, enjoy your weekend'.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 09/02/2010 23:27

saintly - agree with every word of what you said. Your DP needs to take charge here and firmly but graciously tell his parents he's cancelled. He can tell them it was a relief, he was secretly not wanting to go and now he has a good reason to stay home and relax. They can enjoy their weekend and your DP has responsibility for being with you just in case, which is how it should be to be honest.

Agree he shouldn't be offering to cancel - he should do it then tell them.

DandyLioness · 09/02/2010 23:28

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cat64 · 09/02/2010 23:30

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MinkyBorage · 09/02/2010 23:35

oh fgs, your dh should just cancel his stag do, it really isn't that big a deal. Why does it even matter that pils won't even hear of him cancelling it? If your dh was serious about offering to cancel it, then he should just be a grown up and cancel it!

MinkyBorage · 09/02/2010 23:36

sorry, that sounded harsh, didn't mean to. Good luck.

ChippingIn · 10/02/2010 01:31

I love it on MN when you post a question & everyone makes negative comments about something else in your post that you are actually fine with

You should ring your PIL, tell them your DH has cancelled his stag do. Ask friends who would be available to look after DS should it arise. Ask the CM if she would have him at hers or yours overnight if necessary (she could do it as a favour to a friend and you could reimburse her somehow else so it's not 'working' couldn't you?).

There seem to be a lot of people around able/willing to help you out - take up their offers. DH gets to go to the stag-do and PIL's get their family weekend - & DH hasn't lied to his parents

If you aren't well the week leading up to it DH can still cancel, if all is OK, he can go (which is what you were already doing anyway) and the chances are, this is a lot of fuss over nothing and the baby wont come for weeks after!!

LegendLay · 10/02/2010 03:43

Good luck op

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 10/02/2010 03:54

Thanks everyone.

I do feel sorry for DP. I feel he did everything right - checked with my first, found people to be with me, was entirely unresponsible for PIL's diary error, and now looks like he'll miss out on a weekend he was really looking forward to.

BTW - the PILs already know how much he wanted to go because we explained it to them when it was first mooted back in November, and have also thanked them profusely for agreeing to come down several times since. It's not that easy or convincing to turn round months later and claim he didn't really want to go after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
CinnabarRed · 10/02/2010 04:46

Also, I wonder how posters would react if the situation were reversed?

Suppose instead we had this scenario: FIL has planned a jolly weekend away; he asks DP and me to spend the weekend with MIL just in case (by way of background, MIL sometimes has a bad back - she's fine most of the time but can get unpredictable flare ups). We agree happily and all is arranged. In the meantime, DP and I cock up our diary and accidentally double book ourselves for the same weekend, doing something we really want to do (perhaps last long weekend away with DS before the new baby comes). Clearly, the fault is ours; we screwed up. Surely in this scenario posters would be urging DP and me to honour our original commitment to MIL, no matter how disappointed we were to miss our weeknend? I can't imagine anyone would say that MIL was FIL's responsibility if we'd screwed up in the same way?

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 10/02/2010 09:02

Your DP is a man with a young child and a heavily pregnant wife with history of 'risk' attached to the pregnancy.

The PILs party is a 'big' one, a 60th plus family get together.

IMO, that basically outweighs your DP going on a stag do.

I don't think it's good to be too rigid in this kind of issue and think "who is who's responsibility".

You just judge on the issues involved, imo and prioritise accordingly.

If I were your in-laws, I would be sad that I'd messed up but I'd be very proud of my son if he came to me and said "look, I've cancelled because mine was only a stag do and I would rather you got together with your sister and the family. It's probably a good thing for me to be with Cinnabar anyway".

mjinhiding · 10/02/2010 10:45

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saintlydamemrsturnip · 10/02/2010 10:55

Asides from the fact that a one-off very special family event outstrips a stag do (and it does) the situation couldn't be reversed because ultimately your dp is responsible for his child - and if you need care - you. It's a different type of responsibility. And anyway the chance of a last weekend together is nothing like a rare big family get together.

It is crazy to have a situation where your PILs insist on coming down just because they said they would when they thought they were available. Arrange to go and stay with a friend if your dp still wants to go.

Whichever way just tell your in laws their help is not needed, alternative arrangements have been made. If they treat you like adults they will accept that.

Could you really have them to stay knowing they were missing their very rare family get together for a very special occasion?

Bramshott · 10/02/2010 11:01

Send DS on the stag trip with your DP?!?

SE13Mummy · 10/02/2010 11:26

If you don't want your PsIL to miss their party and they don't want your DH to miss the stag do then how about suggesting that your DS go and stay with them for the weekend/little bit longer and they could bring him back down and stay with you all for a day or two afterwards? That way they'd still be honouring their promise to look after him but they'd also be able to show him off to the other relatives at the party and you'd have a peaceful weekend before your baby is born... maybe!

DandyLioness · 10/02/2010 11:35

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Ziggurat · 10/02/2010 11:42

OP - the situation you describe is nothing like the situation you find yourself in.

Yes, your DH did everything right, but assuming your PILs hadn't got their dates mixed, then he would have been told from the off that they had the party, and they couldn't have helped. And he would never have been able to go on the stag do.

It's only now that it's been dangled in front of him that everyone seems so unwilling for him to give it up.

I really don't get it - out of everyone's situations that weekend, his is the least pressing, yet everyone's dancing around him. Unbelievable.

ChippingIn makes total sense.

ConnieComplaint · 10/02/2010 11:47

You'll be 35 weeks - how premature was your ds?

It's unlikely you'll go into labour on that specific weekend, so I think you should remove the cotton wool & suck it up

googietheegg · 10/02/2010 12:02

I think you've got too used to having such lovely in laws and have forgotten to put them first in terms of this particular weekend.

Your husband should definitely cancel his stag do and NOT lay it on thick to his parents about how much he was looking forward to it - that's v passive aggressive.

Although I would certainly help a friend in similar circumstances happily, I would not be happy if the reason the husband was not there was because of a bloody stag do!!!! Work or something necessary yes, but not a stag do!!!

ErnestTheBavarian · 10/02/2010 12:48

you obviously believe the pil should cancel their rare family get together so your dh can go off on a jolly and you can be looked after.

tbh I think YABVVU.

Chances are you'll be absolutely fine and they'll have cancelled for no reason. You say yourself it's a small risk the baby might be premature.

There ARE other people who can help in an emergency.

Your dh if anything could cancel if you don't want to risk it.

I personally would risk it. Is it really that much of a risk?

Plenty of people cope w. the latter stages of pg without so much help.

I think you're both holding out sighing about it, waiting for them to cancel. As others have said, very PA and pretty spoilt & childish too imho.

But then, like so many people, I coped in 'worse' situations absolutely fine.

diddl · 10/02/2010 12:53

Of course PILs shouldn´t cancel imo.

They made an honest mistake, but their duty is not to you, your husbands is.

If necessary he should cancel as it should be up to him to be putting his pregnant wife& young son first.

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/02/2010 12:55

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fernie3 · 10/02/2010 13:13

It depends on the risk of labour being early, if you feel there is a good chance labour could be at 35 weeks OR that you will have complications that mean being in hospital then then you OH should cancel. I am surprised he agreed to go if that is the case.
IF the risk is small then its not so clearcut.

Both of mine last two have been 4 and 5 weeks early, I was also in hospital for a week or so beforehand - I am pretty sure my husband is not planning on going any further than work and back after about 27 weeks this time (wehn problem have started for me before) not so much because he might miss the birth but because I will need support and he is the natural person to give it.

thesecondcoming · 10/02/2010 13:14

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ArcticLemming · 10/02/2010 13:23

Just a thought. You mention your childminder would look after DS during the week, but doen't have an overnight licence. You know she can get one very quickly and easily, don't you if she would be up for it? Mine did for me when I have DD2 and no-one to look after DD1. It worked perfectly.