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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to burn the baby whisperer book!

79 replies

Littleknight · 09/02/2010 11:31

Hi

I've just had a few days of tears and self doubt in my role as a mummy to my gorgeous 4 and a half month old baby after reading the baby whisperer book.

Until now I've always bf DS on demand and until recently we were co-sleeping. He had moved to his cot in his own room very well but I was BFing him to sleep then putting him in. I wanted to get him used to falling asleeep more independently rather than dropping off on the boob! I also felt that I needed a bit more of a feeding routine - but not a really regimented GF style one - SO I started reading the baby whisperer. Big mistake in hindsight!
I used the BW pick up/put down strategy to settle DS which is fine but then I started reading more of the book ....big mistake
DS sleeps well at night once settled but will only nap for about 30 mins at a time during the day usually totalling 2ish hours over the day. I'd never really worried about this before reading the stupid book - but according to BW this type of napping is a sleep problem. I've just spent 2 days 'observing' my DS (as the book recommends) and basically misinterpreting his every move and sound for overtiredness and overstimulation.
After a tearful chat with my mum and heeding her wisdom to chuck the book I feel normal again and am enjoyng my baby again instead of feeling guilty and inadequate.
I sure BW works for some but it's going in the bin!

OP posts:
ChairmumMiaow · 09/02/2010 11:33

It made me feel the same with DS. I didn't burn it but I don't recommend it to other people!

MrsBadger · 09/02/2010 11:34

yanbu

she has a vested interest in defining all sorts of things as 'problems' which only she knows how to fix.

The only thing I got out of it was that, far from being E-A-S-Y, dd was an AH-YES baby (Awake and Happy while I had some You-time, then got hungry so would Eat till she Slept...)

mistletoekisses · 09/02/2010 11:36

YANBU at all. If it didnt work for you, then the bin is the place for the book.

But I love the book. Helped me loads with DS1 and I hope the techniques will also help with DS2. I think the 'accidental parenting' parts can freak people out, but I just picked the bits that worked for me and went with it.

oldandknackered · 09/02/2010 11:36

Bin the book - and enjoy your baby.

JemL · 09/02/2010 11:37

I'm glad you threw it away!!

This is why I have a problem with these books - they seem to make almost everyone who tries them feel like failiures

MrsSawdust · 09/02/2010 11:40

Your ds's sleep habits are only a 'problem' if you see it that way, or if he seems to not be properly rested.

Don't let any book tell you what's right and wrong when it comes to your baby. Use the books for a bit of guidance if you must, but trust your own instincts. You know your son better than anyone.

BornToFolk · 09/02/2010 11:45

I liked some bits of this book but other bits were totally bizarre, like the baby personality test! I hate those things for adults but it's even worse for babies.

FWIW, DS never, ever had the "right" amount of sleep until he dropped to only one nap a day at 11 months but he's managed to grow into a happy, healthy, bright two year old who now sleeps 7-7 with a two hour nap.

If you are looking for a good book about sleep issues then I highly recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution. It's full of suggestions, rather than rules and the author is a mother of four children.

Elemental · 09/02/2010 15:08

I read this when ds was a few weeks old and found it useful with regards to some breastfeeding info but wildly worrying and confusing in many other respects. There just seemed to be mentions of newborns feeding for 30-40 mins at a time, which ds never did, he had lots of shorter feeds. The book was saying that they shouldn't need feeding more than every 2 hours, which he certainly did, and that he would lose certain types of milk if he didn't feed for longer.

I was panicking and worried he wasn't getting enough, until a puzzled friend of mine said "But look at him!" and made me realise that he was a perfectly fine chubby little boy who always put on the right amount of weight for his centile. Somehow I hadn't seen that as important as what the book was telling me!

When I mentioned that I was confused that ds was awake longer than an hour and a half, (which the book said was impossible!)a friend of mine growled "Burn the baby books", I was shocked and couldn't imagine why she would say that. But further down the line I realise that you have to go by your instincts so much more.

diddl · 09/02/2010 15:11

I wonder what people ever did before books?

Undercovamutha · 09/02/2010 15:21

Its horses for courses IMO.

I LOVED the baby whisperer book (the EASY routine saved my sanity). I read one or two other books that weren't right for me/DD, but I also didn't take ALL of the BW book on board - just bits and pieces.

Burn it if you want, but I'm not burning mine!!!

HaveToWearHeels · 09/02/2010 15:26

to be honest i through ALL the books aprt from "what to expect the first year" and I only pick that up every now and then (I do like this book as it gives 2-3 options but then says go with what makes you comfortable). Maybe I read too many but they all have conflicting advise. As soon as I ignored the advice and just went with it I really enjoyed being a Mum.
As for GF she is a baffoon, "you must start the day at 7am, try telling that to a five month old who woke for a feed at 6am and is now blissfully asleep and will remain so until 9am (gives me time to put on a wash and have my breakfast)
BIN THE BOOKS....

skidoodle · 09/02/2010 15:26

yes, the world was so much better before books

perhaps we should burn them all?

sasamaxx · 09/02/2010 15:29

As someone else said - bin the book and enjoy your baby.
Sounds like you were getting on just fine and the book has just created problems that weren't there in the first place.

flimflammum · 09/02/2010 15:29

YANBU - if it makes you feel inadequate and doesn't help, then burn it.

In my case, it saved my sanity when I was desperate for sleep but didn't want to do controlled crying - at 8m my DS was waking every couple of hours to bf back to sleep, and I had naively thought he would naturally grow out of this. When I met another mum whose child was still waking lots at night at over a year, I realised I had to do something. The pick-up, put-down technique worked dramatically well, and DS starting sleeping through to 5 or 6am.

On the other hand, some of the other stuff in the book I didn't like and don't agree with. You just have to pick and choose what suits you.

HaveToWearHeels · 09/02/2010 15:32

can you tell I am typing while bf'ing ? that should read "to be honest i threw all the books apart from"

sungirltan · 09/02/2010 15:38

mrs badger - love it! my dd is an AH YES baby....now we have an acronym we must be succeeding he he.

i got bw from the library. i rejected most of it but i did find the bit about learning the baby's sleep cues really helpful and i've got dd to nap in the day now which i sruggled with before

kamsmum · 09/02/2010 15:38

Some of the baby books have made me so mad and they have landed in the bin with an almighty thump!! However, I did like "the baby Whisperer" and I really like Penelope Leach's books.
You need to take all of these "manuals" with a great big pinch of salt. If babies were so easy to manage you would think we would have had the definitive guide by now.

dixiechick1975 · 09/02/2010 15:51

Hated the 'love' every page and i'm northern.

SeaTrek · 09/02/2010 15:58

YANBU.

I remember reading, many times, both the baby whisperer and the contented baby books. Took some advice from both but in hindsight I think I would have been better without them. I was sensible enough to ignore GF's appalling advice about breastfeeding, but I do remember wasting a lot of time, effort and worry trying to be 'perfect' according to one or the other. I eventually worked out that both my son and I were individuals and we would do it our way!

TottWriter · 09/02/2010 16:00

Wow. Am I ever glad I'm too disorganised ever to have gotten round to reading any baby books! It sounds like I got off lucky (though we do have Stoppard's complete Baby and Childcare which I flicked through briefly when DS was born...).

My DS would probably be a problem child in every one of those routine books if I read them. At 22 months he's going to bed at 8pm (no, not seven, gasp!) and waking in the night still. In fact, I've only just stopped holding his hand until he's asleep, and he still goes off for his nap in my arms. Still, he's happy and healthy and seemingly quite bright. Mind you, I fret enough without being told that he should be doing this that or the other - I get guilt trips about pretty much everything when comparing with other childrne at groups.

YANB Completely U for wanting to burn a book, though I don't normally approve of that sort of thing. ironically, I think my Dad had the best idea when he told me that everyone would give me lots of advice when DS was born, but that I should mostly ignore it and work things out for myself and for DS.

AliGrylls · 09/02/2010 16:08

I read it. It was okay. I took what I wanted (which I prob would have done anyway) and left what I didn't want. It is just a book after all.

Sunshinemummy · 09/02/2010 16:10

Ha DH and I were classic first time parents using this book - we had a spreadsheet where we logged what time he slept and how long for, what time he ate and how long for, when he weed and pood and how long he was awke for! It last 6 weeks before we gave up.

We'd also spend hours discussing the differences in his noises trying to interpret them

I didn't even look at it for DD.

TheMysticMasseuse · 09/02/2010 16:15

YANBU! the day i finally brough the baby whisperer to the charity shop was the day i finally could bond with my baby. Sadly she was 4 months by then, I wonder how different things would have been if i hadn't been worried about "doing" the book all the time...

in hindsight, two things drive me mad about the baby whisperer:

  1. her use of the expression "accidental parenting" which has such heavy connotations of "trusting your instincts is wrong"
  2. she states that colic does not exist, and it's somehow your fault for not doing the EASY routine if your baby screams for hours every day. That particular passage caused more tears and guilt and self doubt than anything else in those foggy sleep deprived days.
RunningOutOfIdeas · 09/02/2010 16:29

YANBU. As others have posted, I took a few useful ideas from these books. But all babies are different - they can't be expected to fit any author's particular idea of the correct routine.

At 4 months my DD usually only had three 30 minute naps each day. It was a real battle to get her to sleep. She was (and still is) very lively so I think she just didn't want to miss out on anything.

She started nursery at nearly 6 months. One day the nursery manager said to me that DD would be much happier when she only needs one nap a day. Surprise, surprise this woman with loads of day-to-day experience with children similar to my DD was exactly right. DD (21 months) now typically sleeps 1.2 to 2 hours each day.

sungirltan · 09/02/2010 16:30

sunshinemummy - you can get a computer program for that - i read it in the independent - think its called trixietracker or something. you even have to log when the last nappy change was!