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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about sleep or is DP?

56 replies

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 10:31

DS2 is 8 months old and we have co-slept since he was born. DP has never helped with him at night. He is at work and I am on maternity leave so I don't mind doing the majority of the night times but he never helped even though he was on paternity leave for the first 3 weeks and he doesn't help at the weekends either. I don't really mind this but we co-sleep because it is easier for me that way and I get more rest.

DP doesn't want us to co-sleep anymore, he says it disturbs him too much and he wants his bed back. I can understand this and agree it is probably time to try to get DS to sleep in his own room.

DP wanted to do controlled crying but I can't. From what I have read about it you need to both be committed and I know I would cave in straight away. It just won't work for us because I don't believe in it. I have looked into other ways of sleep training and we discussed it and agreed to try putting him in his cot and soothing him, sushing him etc. but not leaving him on his own to cry. I knew that this would take some time as DS is not used to sleeping on his own.

DP agreed to help and suggested that we start on a Friday night so that we have the weekend to get some rest.

So this Friday I went in and out of DS's bedroom, comforting him off and on throughout the night. It wasn't as bad as I expected but I still didn't get much sleep. DP didn't get up at all.

Saturday night I went to bed early, expecting little sleep again but DP had said he would get up this time. Instead he stayed up really late, drank a bottle of wine to himself and played on the xbox till the early hours of the morning and then slept on the sofa.

So I again did all the night up and down comforting DS.

Of course last night came and he said he couldn't help because he had work the next day and needed his sleep.

I really feel like going back to co-sleeping again. I was happy give the sleep training a go but don't see why I should be the only one to get up, especially at the weekends.

So AIBU to go back to co-sleeping or should I be sticking this out so that DP can have his bed back?

I should point out that he is a really good father/DP in every other way. We share the cooking, housework, childcare etc. during the daytime, it's just at night that he will not do anything.

OP posts:

TubbyDuffs · 08/02/2010 10:37

It would be a bit daft on your part to undo the work you have done by going back to the co-sleeping, if you do want him to have his own space/room now, but I think your DP is being very bloody lazy!

Can't believe he thinks he can have any say in how you deal with sleep issues with the baby if he doesn't even help with it!

You need to kick him firmly up the arse and get him doing his fair share at least during the weekend. Once the baby is in his own room and sleeping happily it will be of benefit to both of you, so he should be happy to help.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 10:38

He is NBU to want the bed back, but he is BU to not get up with your DS in the night at the weekends! Why doesn't he help with this?

What are you going to do at the end of mat leave? are you intending to go back to work?

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 10:40

I go back to work next month

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mistletoekisses · 08/02/2010 10:41

I will probably be flamed for this but I really think that you need to continue to work on settling your DS into his own room. I am all for co-sleeping, but really believe that it only works when both parents are truly happy with the arrangement.

Your DP is perfectly within his rights to want his bed (and his partner back). I dont think you are wrong to be annoyed with him at not helping over the weekend, that is out of order.

But the longer you leave this - the harder it is going to be to get your DS to settle. Is there any way you can set up bed in your DS's room for a week or so? Apparently that helps when trying to settle a slighty older bub in their room.

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 10:43

mistletoe I spent a lot of last night on his badroom floor so yes a bed in his room would be good!

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Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 10:44

bedroom floor! Lack of sleep is doing nothing for my spelling!

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bubblagirl · 08/02/2010 10:49

i think the main problem here would be maybe you need to be more vocal in what you expect your dp to do

tell him ok if he has work etc next day you will get up but when you go back to work you both have to share that responsibility and when his not working take in turns to get up

i found my ds settled well into his own room with some back ground noise soft music playing night light on we never spoke to him of a night just fed settled and back to our room

we used to leave him for 2 mins crying go in and ssshhh then leave room then leave 5 mins ssshhh then leave room we normally didnt have to go in much after that as he settled himself

but if worse comes to worse set up a temp bed on his floor but he does need to learn to settle without you so would suggest try and stick it out for a bit and get dh more involved

bubblagirl · 08/02/2010 10:51

i fully understand too although my dp had every intention to help at night he slept through it all the time but if he did wake up id send him that was very rare lol

Fimblehobbs · 08/02/2010 10:55

YANBU, your DP is being lazy and selfish. However if you do want to stop cosleeping I wonder whether it would be easier on your baby if you are the one doing all the comforting. He is used to you reassuring him at night so the continuity might be good for him. Especially if your DP would rather do CC. I suspect you have the calmer touch with the baby and would be quicker to respond to him?

I know this lets your DP off the hook, which really grates, though you have said he is great the rest of the time and so he bl00dy well should be!

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 11:00

In many ways it is easier for me to carry on doing it all. DP is so moody if he doesn't get enough sleep and DS does respond better to me.

It's really anoying me though! DP is the one insisting that he goes in his own room and then does nothing to help. I think the fact that he stayed up drinking and playing games is what has really wound me up. If he really needed his sleep he should go to bed early like I have to.

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mayorquimby · 08/02/2010 11:46

Much the same on both parts. Neither of you fully agree on the direction to take yet you both seem to expect the other to fully commit to your own ways because you both think you are right.
Needs a sit down for more discussion and a clear plan which you both agree on.

fernie3 · 08/02/2010 11:54

have you tried a bedside cot? or even just bringing his cot into your room he may feel less alone then.

ChippingIn · 08/02/2010 11:57

Much the same on both parts my arse.

Happymatleave's DH wants their DS in his own room, she's going along with it, DH doing f'll to help.... it's not the OP that is being unreasonable here!!

OP - I would like to suggest telling your DH to grow up he is on night duty the next two nights as you have done 2 - tough luck it falls in the week, as you say, he could have done it at the weekend, HOWEVER, for DS's sake I think it would be better for you to do it as I think you will be more comforting and patient etc. DH should be running around making dinner, doing all the evening chores so you can have a bit of a rest before the 'night-shift'. You need some sleep even if you are 'just at home'.

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 12:01

mayorquimby - sorry I don't understand. I have agreed to DS going in his room because it is what DP wants, not me. I am not wanting my own way, just some help. We did have a plan that we agreed on but DP has not made any effort to implement it. How am I expecting DP to fully commit to anything? All I am asking for is a little help from him to in order for us to get to where he wants to be.

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Chulita · 08/02/2010 12:07

I was kind of in the same situation a few months back except it was getting DD to drop her 3 night feeds rather than changing rooms. DH has never been good at getting up with her at night and I spent 10 days crawling between our room and hers to resettle her. I carried on because I'd started and it worked but it was difficult on my own. DH just isn't good at waking up and now that DD's 15 months she won't have him settle her because she's not used to it.
If you don't want your DS to get used to you and only you at night you need to give your DP a good poke in the ribs to get him going. Especially if your DP is the one who really wants his bed back you need to tell him 'if you really need your bed back, you need to help me because I can't do it on my own'. I really wish I'd asked DH to do more at night with DD - something I won't forget to do with #2!

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 12:08

Thanks ChippingIn. I'm on strike today, no housework, just having lots of nice play time with DS as I'm far too tired for anything else

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Sassybeast · 08/02/2010 12:08

Did your DP want you to co sleep in the first place ? Was he involved in that decision ? Just adding another perspective - my SIL co sleeps and my bro has never been happy with it. They now have a 2 year old who won't settle in his own room and my brother (rightly or wrongly) sort of feels that since SIL insisted on the co sleeping in the first place, she should be the one sorting it out I am NOT condoning that approach BTW - just wondering if there is some underlying resentment on his part which you might need to address first ?

theITgirl · 08/02/2010 12:16

OP. I agree that your DP is being unreasonable. BUT is your DP more of a night-owl? What we did when trying to settle DS is that DH was on 'duty' till 1:00 and I went to bed early, then I was on 'duty'. I am a lot better than DH at getting up in the morning, but am known for falling asleep earlier in the evenings.
BTW if you do try this it is EVERY night and you both get a chunk of time for sleeping and not getting up. The timings depend completely on your & your DP's sleep patterns and also the times your DS tends to wake up.

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 12:19

We never made a decision to co-sleep as such. It's just gradually become like that because DS does not settle well on his own and it's been the only way I've got some sleep.

I think DP does resent that DS is in our bed. I understand that and that is why I have agreed to try to change things. I'm just anoyed that we discussed it, both agreed that it would be difficult and that we had to help each other, and now he is just leaving it all to me.

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LifeOfKate · 08/02/2010 16:39

Your DP is not unreasonable in wanting you/your bed back, but definitely is for not helping you to achieve that! Especially the staying up drinking etc thing, that would bug me as well.

My DS is nearly 9 weeks old and we co-slept at the beginning. DH slept in DS's new room (there is a double bed in there) as not enough space in the bed for all of us. I wanted to get him into a cot so that he wouldn't get too used to our bed. However, cot wouldn't fit in our room, so I swapped with DH and now me and DS are in DS's room. DH spent his first night with us in DS's room on Saturday night. Well, you should have heard the moaning on Sunday morning about how he didn't sleep a wink! This is despite the fact that at one point he woke both DS and I up with his snoring!!!

Anyway, that wasn't at all helpful, sorry, just wanted to make you feel not so alone with a useless DH at night!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/02/2010 16:51

What Sassybeast said.

Your DP should have been helping at night from the get-go.

And he should be helping you now.

I personally think that co-sleeping is fraught with potential partnership problems.

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 17:01

I never co-slept with my older dcs and aleays said it was something I wouldn't do. But then I hadn't had a baby that didn't sleep then

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Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/02/2010 17:21

Yes, I know - needs must !

kinnies · 08/02/2010 17:40

Same here Happymatleave!

Could you do the night setteling if Dp gets up with baby and gives you a lay-in?

Original poster

happymatleave · 08/02/2010 17:59

kinnies I think that's what we'll probably end up doing. I can't see DP ever getting up or DS settling for him so it might be easier just to get on with it and ask DP to do the early mornings instead so I can have a rest.

Hopefully it shouldn't last long anyway [wishful thinking emotion]

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